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Obi-Wan Kenobi ([info]master_kenobi) wrote in [info]makebelievelog,
@ 2013-08-12 22:36:00

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Entry tags:anakin skywalker, obi-wan kenobi, siri tachi

The Case Of The Disappearing Jedi In The Land Of Attachments
Who: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Siri Tachi and Anakin Skywalker
What: Anakin has taught Siri to silence her presence in the Force. Unfortunately nobody has told Obi-Wan that this can be done.
When: Tuesday, August 13, approx 2am.
Where: Obi-Wan's room, Siri's room and all over the place.
Rating/Warnings: PG with Jedi angst and inappropriate attachments
Status: Closed; Incomplete




Obi-Wan woke suddenly, sitting bolt upright, Siri's name on his lips before he consciously realized what his deeper subconscious had felt in the Force. Siri was gone. He frowned, closing his eyes again to reach out, intentionally looking for her presence in the Force, but it wasn't there. He got out of bed. He didn't even bother pulling on a housecoat or boots over his pyjamas. He went out into the hall, to her room, and banged on the door. When no answer came, he used the Force to push it open, stepping inside with a franticness that was barely hidden under his mildly uneasy exterior. She wasn't there.

Feeling extremely agitated at that point, he hurried out of Siri's room and headed for Anakin's. He banged on the door without any regard for the hour. He'd probably wake Padme, it occurred to him after he'd done it, but it also occurred to him that she'd survive.

Anakin, he projected forcefully. Come out here.



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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 12:30 pm UTC (link)
Siri’s ability to speak died momentarily at Obi-Wan’s words. She hadn’t expected him to bring it up. At all. For a very rare moment she was speechless. Absolutely without the ability to say anything at all. If she was honest she would admit her own failings, her own breaking of their deal. But if she admitted it, would he pull away from her? Would he find reasons to avoid spending time with together with her? Would the distance between them increase?

She could lie. It was possible; she could hide her tells in the Force and lie to him. Tell him no, there was no breaking of their deal. Postpone things a little bit longer. But watching him look down at the water she wasn’t sure she could do it. She wasn’t sure she could do it at all. She wasn’t sure she wanted to.

It was too easy to shift closer to him, to curl her legs under her and shift to face him. Her hand cupping his cheek, she gently turned his face to hers. “If you have... then I have.”

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 01:08 pm UTC (link)
"I see," he said, managing to keep his voice even despite the fact that she was touching him again. But did he see? How was he supposed to process the fact that she was struggling with this as much as he was? Had she always been struggling with it as much as he had? Did she... Did she still...?

"Well." He swallowed uncomfortably, but not because he didn't find comfort in her touch, despite the way it made his pulse race. "Our choices were made quite clear to us back home. ...But they're decidedly less clear here. Everything is... disordered here." Confusing. Everything was confusing because there was no structure to turn to. To lean on. If the Jedi had anything that permeated their entire lives, it was structure. It was called an 'Order' for a reason.

"And I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means that I am if I'm even considering..."

Using the vision of the Order that Anakin gave them from the future to suggest that attachment was okay seemed like a weak justification, used only as an excuse to do what he wanted to do instead of his duty. If he was going to turn his back on the Code, he wasn't going to pretend it was because he'd embraced a new one. He couldn't do that.

"I'm not sure what's right."

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 04:05 pm UTC (link)
Siri’s thumb brushed lightly over his cheek, although she knew she shouldn’t, knew she should move her hand entirely. He was... they were conflicted enough without the adding physical contact making... making things worse. She couldn’t seem to make herself pull away. Not yet.

He was right. They’d made their choice all those years ago, and it had been the right one. She didn’t regret it. Had never regretted it. But... the feelings they’d agreed to set aside had never gone away. Not for her. She’d learned to live with them and let them go as much as she could. But it had been less let go and more deny. And it seemed... he’d not been able to either. Not entirely. Not if he was so concerned about breaking their deal. She’d thought he’d managed it far easier than she had. But she was wrong. This... she’d been so wrong. She’d been fully aware of the fact that she still... (loved him) cared a great deal for him, more than she should. But that he could... that he might still feel the same way... affected her in a way that she knew was wrong and decidedly un-Jedi-like but made her heart flutter in her chest anyway.

And since her sudden return to life she’d found herself... wondering. Wondering if maybe this wasn’t some sort of second chance. She was still a Jedi; she was always a Jedi. Her loyalty to the Order hadn’t faded simply because of her death. But now... She didn’t know. She just didn’t know. There were questions, and doubt... and feelings. Could they be both? Was it possible? She wanted it to be. Thought it could be, but maybe that was just her wanting it so desperately to be so.

But she could not, WOULD not, cause him pain, or push him towards something he wasn’t yet ready for or was uncomfortable with. Something that even she wasn’t sure of (or so she told herself). “Neither am I,” she told him quietly. It was the truth. “But if you need... space. Time...” She could give him that. No matter how much it would hurt her. She could hide it easily enough.

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 04:18 pm UTC (link)
There it was: what he feared. The distance being imposed. He agreed, perhaps, that it did simplify things but it also...well, it just felt terrible. Empty.

"...How much space?" he managed to ask, his voice slightly choked.

What would time or space change anyway? They'd made their agreement years ago and neither time nor space had secured it the way they were supposed to.

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 04:23 pm UTC (link)
“As much...” Siri’s voice faltered, and she swallowed, trying again. “As much or as little as you want.” It was entirely his choice. She didn’t want any at all. The thought of it hurt, a physical sort of ache in her chest that only threatened to get worse. But if he wanted it... he would have it. She could at least give him that. She had never been more thankful for what Anakin had taught her as she was in that moment. Because if he wanted space... she would need to use it.

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 04:52 pm UTC (link)
As he wanted? 'Want' was tricky, but in a way also easy. He didn't want any. But was that the right answer? Was that what he needed? If he decided that...that he would pursue something clearly forbidden by the Code, should he just jump into it, unthinking? Anakin would and even Qui-Gon might, but Obi-Wan had never possessed the recklessness of his apprentice or the unwavering confidence in his own feelings over the Council and Code of his Master. Obi-Wan had thrived as a Jedi because its structure suited him. He rarely, if ever, felt the need to test it.

But there was no Temple or Council or Code here. People didn't even know what Jedi were. Did that mean he should remain more steadfast than ever or did it mean he should, perhaps, give a little? And why bring Siri from after her death? What was the Force trying to say?

"I... I don't..." He didn't know. He didn't know the answer. Any answer could be wrong and have profound repurcussions. "Siri, I'm not..." Not equipped, not prepared, not experienced, not sure of himself.

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 05:07 pm UTC (link)
Siri nodded. He was unsure. So very, very unsure. The smile that appeared on her face was small and crooked. “That’s okay, Obi-Wan.” She’d give him time. She could do that, at least. It wasn’t as though he didn’t know where to find her. They were neighbours, for star’s sake. Taking a breath, she rose gracefully to her feet, stepping back and holding out her hand to help him up. “Maybe we should call it a night? It’s been...” she trailed off for a moment. “A very long one.”

She would get him on his way back to the castle, and then she would go for a swim. Probably a lengthy one. It was sorely needed.

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 06:20 pm UTC (link)
"Wait."

He didn't get up. He accepted her hand only to tug her back down. He was missing information - important information - and how was he supposed to even begin to come to a decision without it?

"What do you want?"

It was a fair question. She'd asked it but not answered it.

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 06:57 pm UTC (link)
She didn’t expect him to tug her back down beside him. And his question caught her off guard. She was a part of this as much as he was. She was well aware of that. But he needed to make the decision that was best for him, without what she wanted coming into play.

Words caught in her throat for a moment. Because no matter how much she wanted to utter the words ‘I don’t want space or time; I want you around’ it wasn’t fair to him for her to say them. Their conversation regarding the younger Anakin was still sharp in her mind. “You need to choose what’s best for you, Obi-Wan.” It was an attempt to deflect his question, and probably an obvious one at that. But she had to try.

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 07:14 pm UTC (link)
"No," he said with a firm shake of his head. "We need to decide what's best for us. Not one at the expense of the other. This isn't something that can be decided in a vacuum. It's...unprecedented, this situation. And especially yours. What you think matters. For many reasons." He paused, watching her hesitantly. "Whatever we decide affects us both equally. It can't be dictated by just one of us."

Especially not him in his confusion and uncertainty.

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 08:04 pm UTC (link)
His words brought her up short. She couldn’t... she didn’t... Kriffing Sithspit. It was wrong how easily he could affect her with so few words. “It wouldn’t be dictated just by one of us,” Siri insisted. “And it wouldn’t be at my expense.” She squeezed his hand gently. “I won’t – I can’t ask more of you than you’re comfortable with. And if knowing what I want influences you to choose something other than what’s best for you... something that you don’t want...” She shook her head. “I don’t want that to happen.”

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 08:17 pm UTC (link)
"If we were talking about something I didn't want, we wouldn't even be having the conversation, Siri. The only issue is what the consequences would be. You know I'm not good at leaping without looking. I need to think about what it would mean, but time doesn't mean space and... if the Code is going to crumble within a few years at home, then what does that mean for us? When everything is destroyed, what did we sacrifice for? I don't know how to be anything other than a Jedi, and half the time I'm certain I'm even doing that wrong."

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 08:53 pm UTC (link)
His words made her heart beat wildly in her chest; confirmation of something that... scared her and made her giddy all at once. She hadn’t been speaking of that, of them, exactly, when she’d spoken of him choosing something he didn’t want, but it had been what she meant, as well. “I don’t know what the consequences would be. All I know is...” What I feel for you. The way I feel when I’m with you. The words caught in her throat. She didn’t know what the consequences would be. She didn’t know what it meant for them. She just... didn’t know.

She leaned forward, knowing she shouldn’t and doing it anyway, pressing her lips lightly against his cheek in an echo of long ago. What she wanted couldn’t be more obvious than with that one little gesture. “You’re one of the best Jedi I know, Obi-Wan.”

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-21 09:22 pm UTC (link)
"So..." So. Coherent thoughts were hard to form at that point. He took a breath, tried to regroup. He cleared his throat. "We'll consider our current options. Revisit our deal. Perhaps, if we deem it...mutually beneficial, we'll make some...adjustments."

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-22 01:42 am UTC (link)
So business-like. It was such a very Obi-Wan approach to things. And it made her smile, lighting up her face, her blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight. She nodded. “Agreed.”

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-22 08:54 am UTC (link)
Why did she have to smile like that when he was trying to think? He nodded too, mostly because he was trying to reorder his words again. This time he did stand, offering her a hand up.

"Then we'll reconvene... at some point that isn't the middle of the night. Once we've had a chance to consider the issue."

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-23 08:34 pm UTC (link)
She took his hand and rose to her feet. This was... not anything she could have expected when he’d first made his way up the outcropping with Anakin. There was a touch of playfulness to her smile, now. “Well, you know where to find me.”

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-23 08:40 pm UTC (link)
Which was extremely endearing on the one hand, but too difficult to process on the other. In the midst of his internal chaos, he managed a small smile and gestured for her to go first.

He'd almost added 'Unless you desappear for real', but stopped himself in time.

"We need to give this very serious thought, Siri. It's not something we can decide lightly. Once we choose a path, it will be very hard to turn back."

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-23 10:18 pm UTC (link)
She sighed, giving him a look that he’d seen often enough; a particular combination of exasperation and fondness underlying the general seriousness of her expression. “Do you think anything about this would be done lightly?”

Shaking her head slightly, she slid her hand free of his, and took a step back. “You should go ahead. I think I’m going to stay here. Go for a swim.”

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-23 11:33 pm UTC (link)
He glanced at her and at the lake. It was 3am. She was going for a swim? But he wasn't dressed for swimming. This wasn't ideal. Obviously they were going their separate ways for the night, but he thought he had the whole walk back to get used to the idea.

And maybe for casual conversation to make what just happened seem less... daunting.

"Oh. Oh, I see." He hesitated, like he was going to take a step, but was rooted to the spot. "You're...going to swim just now? When are you going to get some sleep?"

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-24 12:37 am UTC (link)
She hesitated before answering his question. She wasn’t sure how he’d take the fact that she still wasn’t sleeping. And that she hadn’t woken him. On purpose, anyway. “There isn’t going to be much sleep for me tonight. That was part of the reason why I thought to put what Anakin has been teaching me into practice. Because it seemed like a good time to do it.”

Sighing and smiling fondly, Siri closed the gap between them, curling her hand around his and giving a gentle tug. “Come on, Obi-Wan. I’ll walk to the castle with you.” She would just... come back. Afterwards.

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-24 09:21 am UTC (link)
He looked at her with open concern as he allowed her to tug him along. "Is this happening every night?" he asked. "Are you getting any sleep at all?"

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-24 02:29 pm UTC (link)
She shook her head. “Not every night, no.” There was a pause before she amended that statement slightly. “Not always every night. It changes. I can go for weeks without a problem, where I sleep soundly. And then I can go days where I hardly sleep at all.”

It was getting better, though. But she suspected she was going to be sleepless for entirely different reasons, now.

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[info]master_kenobi
2013-08-24 05:34 pm UTC (link)
"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan told her. "Is there anything I can do?" He hesitated. "You didn't call when you couldn't sleep."

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[info]neverlosefocus
2013-08-24 06:55 pm UTC (link)
“Your presence is...” she trailed off for a moment, searching for words. “Enough.” After everything they’d spoken of, it was unnecessary for her to tell him that his presence was warm and familiar and... a little bit like home. It would only make things more complicated. “No, I...” She sighed. “Sometimes doing something is the only thing that will help; I didn’t think to wake you and see if you would like to accompany me to the lake. I’m sorry.”

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(no subject) - [info]master_kenobi, 2013-08-24 07:17 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]neverlosefocus, 2013-08-24 07:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]master_kenobi, 2013-08-24 08:01 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]neverlosefocus, 2013-08-24 08:58 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]master_kenobi, 2013-08-24 11:37 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]neverlosefocus, 2013-08-30 02:53 am UTC

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