InsaneJournal

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Rachel Sully (rachelsully) wrote in compass_comm,
@ 2014-05-27 19:06:00

Entry tags:

!closed, ~rachel sully, ~tim dixon

Email to Tim

Tim,

So you wanted to know one really good reason why I could never be with a woman and here it is. When I was 12 years old I was molested. The man in question never actually fucked me, but he went down on me ever chance he got. Told me he would kill Sarah if I told anyone about it and I believed him. I repressed the memory for a long time but then Bucky and I started being physical and it just brought everything back up.

I've been going to therapy but I still can't get that image of him between my legs out of my head. I have a panic attack just thinking about someone being down there. And since it's kind of essential in a relationship with a woman, you can now understand why that wouldn't exactly be a possibility for me.

I'm sorry that I've been a selfish bitch lately. I'm sorry that I've been such a downer. And I'm sorry that I've dumped all of my relationship crap onto you when you're trying to be happy. I've learned from my mistakes, though, and I can assure you they will never happen again.

I really hope that you and TJ are happy together for however long it's meant to be.

Rachel

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rachelsully
2014-05-29 05:50 am UTC (link)

I don't know how to do that without pissing off everyone that matters to me. I went off on Steve, Tim. He's supposed to defend his best friend, I get that. But I just couldn't take it. Seddrinth delivered a letter that Bucky was never supposed to see and even after I explained that to Steve he still tried to make me feel like shit about it. Like I was doing it intentionally to keep Bucky hurting. I don't remember him being this much of a dick when we were growing up.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-29 06:13 am UTC (link)
	Well get mad with people who know that's why? I mean that's what the psychiatrist is here for isn't he? And I'll get mad back with you, but most the stuff I don't mean, I just want you to scream at me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

rachelsully
2014-05-29 02:13 pm UTC (link)

I don't know what it is but I'm never really angry when I'm in a session. It's all tears and depression. Anger just never really comes up.

What I would really love to be able to do is to just punch him one time. Because when it all came down to it, he ran away. I messed up big, I get that. But then he just ended it. Didn't even try to work things out or anything. It was just over. And I want to punch him in the face as hard as I can. But all that'll do is have people hating me even more than they already do. I'm not even sure it would actually make me feel better.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-30 04:03 am UTC (link)
	Because you're thinking about stuff that makes you depressed, instead of the stuff that makes you mad. I don't suggest doing that. I think if you hit him it would piss him off and put him in a bad place. Forget what everbody would think. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-30 04:15 am UTC (link)
	Even when I think about stuff that makes me mad, I just feel wrong getting mad at Dr. Lecter. I don't know why. Just because I want to punch him doesn't mean I'm going to punch him. But I need to punch something. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-30 07:11 am UTC (link)
	Well, not mad with him, but exposing him to it ain't so bad. He kinda needs to know about it too. The gym is great for that sort of thing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 01:25 am UTC (link)
	He'll just tell me what I already know and that is that I need to find some way to get the anger out. I'd rather be by myself when I do it so I can yell and scream while punching and I can't do that with other people around. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 02:50 am UTC (link)
	Why don't you just let him do that then? Maybe he'll offer good ways to get it out. The one in Stark Tower isn't busy usually. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 03:52 am UTC (link)
	Hitting things tends to help a lot. I feel like I'm trespassing when I go there. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:23 am UTC (link)
	Well maybe he has a more creative way to get it out? In case it's not a good time to hit things whenever you get mad. That is kinda his job. Come up with me then. Then you wont be trespassing, you'll be a guest. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 04:27 am UTC (link)
	I'll tell him but I doubt it. Okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:39 am UTC (link)
	It's worth a shot. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 04:46 am UTC (link)
	How did I go from wanting him back to wanting to beat the shit out of him? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:55 am UTC (link)
	Part of the dealing with grief process. It was a big loss. It sucks, but it means you're almost done. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 05:00 am UTC (link)
	I think the worst part was still holding onto the hope that if he really did love me we'd be able to work everything out and it would end up being okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 05:10 am UTC (link)
	Irrational anger is kinda the pits too though. But then acceptance will come and everything will be... normal I guess. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 05:13 am UTC (link)
	I think I'm more angry at myself than I am at him. Come on, Tim. You and I both know I've never been normal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 05:40 am UTC (link)
	Yeah well when have I been normal, I meant as normal as you can be. Which is pretty far away from normal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 07:13 am UTC (link)
	Normal is a bad word, Tim. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I don't like that word. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 07:36 am UTC (link)
	Fine, when you're Rachel again. Better? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 07:46 am UTC (link)
	Much better. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 08:02 am UTC (link)
	Good. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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