InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "are you the lobster?"

Rachel Sully (rachelsully) wrote in compass_comm,
@ 2014-05-27 19:06:00

Entry tags:

!closed, ~rachel sully, ~tim dixon

Email to Tim

Tim,

So you wanted to know one really good reason why I could never be with a woman and here it is. When I was 12 years old I was molested. The man in question never actually fucked me, but he went down on me ever chance he got. Told me he would kill Sarah if I told anyone about it and I believed him. I repressed the memory for a long time but then Bucky and I started being physical and it just brought everything back up.

I've been going to therapy but I still can't get that image of him between my legs out of my head. I have a panic attack just thinking about someone being down there. And since it's kind of essential in a relationship with a woman, you can now understand why that wouldn't exactly be a possibility for me.

I'm sorry that I've been a selfish bitch lately. I'm sorry that I've been such a downer. And I'm sorry that I've dumped all of my relationship crap onto you when you're trying to be happy. I've learned from my mistakes, though, and I can assure you they will never happen again.

I really hope that you and TJ are happy together for however long it's meant to be.

Rachel

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 03:52 am UTC (link)
	Hitting things tends to help a lot. I feel like I'm trespassing when I go there. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:23 am UTC (link)
	Well maybe he has a more creative way to get it out? In case it's not a good time to hit things whenever you get mad. That is kinda his job. Come up with me then. Then you wont be trespassing, you'll be a guest. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 04:27 am UTC (link)
	I'll tell him but I doubt it. Okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:39 am UTC (link)
	It's worth a shot. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 04:46 am UTC (link)
	How did I go from wanting him back to wanting to beat the shit out of him? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:55 am UTC (link)
	Part of the dealing with grief process. It was a big loss. It sucks, but it means you're almost done. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 05:00 am UTC (link)
	I think the worst part was still holding onto the hope that if he really did love me we'd be able to work everything out and it would end up being okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 05:10 am UTC (link)
	Irrational anger is kinda the pits too though. But then acceptance will come and everything will be... normal I guess. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 05:13 am UTC (link)
	I think I'm more angry at myself than I am at him. Come on, Tim. You and I both know I've never been normal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 05:40 am UTC (link)
	Yeah well when have I been normal, I meant as normal as you can be. Which is pretty far away from normal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 07:13 am UTC (link)
	Normal is a bad word, Tim. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I don't like that word. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 07:36 am UTC (link)
	Fine, when you're Rachel again. Better? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 07:46 am UTC (link)
	Much better. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 08:02 am UTC (link)
	Good. (Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -