InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "macho macho man!"

Rachel Sully (rachelsully) wrote in compass_comm,
@ 2014-05-27 19:06:00

Entry tags:

!closed, ~rachel sully, ~tim dixon

Email to Tim

Tim,

So you wanted to know one really good reason why I could never be with a woman and here it is. When I was 12 years old I was molested. The man in question never actually fucked me, but he went down on me ever chance he got. Told me he would kill Sarah if I told anyone about it and I believed him. I repressed the memory for a long time but then Bucky and I started being physical and it just brought everything back up.

I've been going to therapy but I still can't get that image of him between my legs out of my head. I have a panic attack just thinking about someone being down there. And since it's kind of essential in a relationship with a woman, you can now understand why that wouldn't exactly be a possibility for me.

I'm sorry that I've been a selfish bitch lately. I'm sorry that I've been such a downer. And I'm sorry that I've dumped all of my relationship crap onto you when you're trying to be happy. I've learned from my mistakes, though, and I can assure you they will never happen again.

I really hope that you and TJ are happy together for however long it's meant to be.

Rachel

(Post a new comment)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-28 04:13 am UTC (link)
	Rachel, I remember. I was there. Maybe I don't remember him messing with you. ~~But I remember~~ But that doesn't matter. A relationship doesn't have to just mean sex. And making love is however you want it to be. It's not just eating pussy. It's whatever makes you feel good. But your closed off. So it doesn't matter. Just like everything else doesn't matter. Tim (Reply to this) (Thread)

rachelsully
2014-05-28 04:25 am UTC (link)

It's not that I'm closed off, Tim. I just need to get myself figured out before I can have any hope of being happy with somebody else. Right now my head and my heart are all one big jumbled mess. Like Christmas lights that have been sitting in a box for a year. I have to untangle all the wires before anything pretty can come of it. And these wires are really fucking tangled.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-28 04:30 am UTC (link)
	Alright, why didn't you just say that? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-28 04:38 am UTC (link)
	Because I didn't think about it before. And I don't know how long it's going to take to straighten everything out. It could take years. I figure it's easier to just shut myself off for right now. Not try to worry about it. Just focus on my family right now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-28 04:45 am UTC (link)
	No more drinking then? Cause I think Sarah is still pretty pissed off about that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-28 04:51 am UTC (link)
	I really don't care if Sarah is pissed off about that. I was drinking to drown out the pain. It was the only way I could. And honestly, it still hurts. And it probably will for a long time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-28 05:03 am UTC (link)
	Great, how would you feel if she got drunk off her ass, you felt it, it damaged your inhibitions and you ended up fucking a complete stranger, or worse, and ended up feeling like shit the next morning? Real mature attitude there Rach. She's your fucking sister. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-28 06:09 am UTC (link)
	I haven't been drunk in several days, Tim. But I have to deal with feeling her being happy and in love and all of that. It's really hard to handle. And before you go off on me, I don't expect her to stop being happy. I'm glad she's happy. It just hurts to deal with it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tim_dixon
2014-05-28 08:04 pm UTC (link)

Well, I'm cutting you off. Emotional drinking ain't good Rach. And I already got one person I care about suffering because of it. I ain't going to let you ruin perfectly fine bits and pieces of yourself.

So till you're over Bucky you ain't getting served alcohol at the pub no more. And if I can't trust you to abide by that then I'm going to go confiscate what the club has too.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-28 08:16 pm UTC (link)
	This doesn't have anything to do with Bucky anymore, Tim. I'm done with him. Completely done. This is just residual bullshit that I have to get through. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-28 09:53 pm UTC (link)
	That was fast. But still. Social drinking is one thing, but getting drunk to drown stuff out is bad. I have enough people in my life that's ruined themselves. I ain't going to let you do it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-28 10:09 pm UTC (link)
	Came to the realization that I would never be able to measure up to Peggy Carter so I never stood a chance. It's really easy to get over someone after something like that slaps you in the face. I got it, Tim. I'm not going to get drunk anymore, okay? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-29 12:38 am UTC (link)
	Oh Lord. Really? Are you serious? Fine, make an oath on your powers and I'll drop it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-29 12:42 am UTC (link)
	Doesn't matter. He's not in my life anymore. I need to move on. He doesn't want me anymore. No point in trying to hold on. How about I won't intentionally get drunk anymore? I can't swear to you on my powers that I won't ever get drunk again because sometimes it just happens. You know how much of a light weight I am. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tim_dixon
2014-05-29 02:38 am UTC (link)

Well if it helps, I just hate that it helps in a way that it hurts you more.

Okay, we'll put it this way, you wont set out to drown your sorrows anymore. If there's a joyous reason to toast the town then you're clear of the oath.

And I want it specific, no loopholes. Like...: I swear upon my powers that I will never drink an alcoholic drink, or take narcotics, to rid myself of my sorrows.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-29 02:45 am UTC (link)
	I swear to you Timothy Daryl Dixon, on everything that makes me more than human, that I will never become inebriated or intoxicated to alleviate sadness of any kind without seeking your council first. Because I have a feeling there might come a time that I'll need it and you'll be okay with it. Is that good enough? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-29 04:12 am UTC (link)
	There was something I would have worded differently but I forgot what it was. I hate when that happens. Did you say it out loud? Cause that works for me if it works for you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-29 04:17 am UTC (link)
	I said it out loud, Tim. I'm sorry about all the bullshit you've had to deal with because of me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-29 04:28 am UTC (link)
	It's alright. It wasn't too hard, you just make me be mean to you, because you're so damn stubborn, I don't really like that part. I'd rather cuddle you and hug you instead. I know if I do that it wont make it any better, it'll just make it worse. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-29 04:33 am UTC (link)
	We're both stubborn. But I like the cuddling and hugging a lot better than the yelling and cussing too. I just want to be happy, Tim. Everybody around here is so fucking happy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-29 05:31 am UTC (link)
	Sometimes you just gotta get the mad out, you know? Can't be happy until you get the mad out first. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

rachelsully
2014-05-29 05:50 am UTC (link)

I don't know how to do that without pissing off everyone that matters to me. I went off on Steve, Tim. He's supposed to defend his best friend, I get that. But I just couldn't take it. Seddrinth delivered a letter that Bucky was never supposed to see and even after I explained that to Steve he still tried to make me feel like shit about it. Like I was doing it intentionally to keep Bucky hurting. I don't remember him being this much of a dick when we were growing up.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-29 06:13 am UTC (link)
	Well get mad with people who know that's why? I mean that's what the psychiatrist is here for isn't he? And I'll get mad back with you, but most the stuff I don't mean, I just want you to scream at me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

rachelsully
2014-05-29 02:13 pm UTC (link)

I don't know what it is but I'm never really angry when I'm in a session. It's all tears and depression. Anger just never really comes up.

What I would really love to be able to do is to just punch him one time. Because when it all came down to it, he ran away. I messed up big, I get that. But then he just ended it. Didn't even try to work things out or anything. It was just over. And I want to punch him in the face as hard as I can. But all that'll do is have people hating me even more than they already do. I'm not even sure it would actually make me feel better.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-30 04:03 am UTC (link)
	Because you're thinking about stuff that makes you depressed, instead of the stuff that makes you mad. I don't suggest doing that. I think if you hit him it would piss him off and put him in a bad place. Forget what everbody would think. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-30 04:15 am UTC (link)
	Even when I think about stuff that makes me mad, I just feel wrong getting mad at Dr. Lecter. I don't know why. Just because I want to punch him doesn't mean I'm going to punch him. But I need to punch something. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-30 07:11 am UTC (link)
	Well, not mad with him, but exposing him to it ain't so bad. He kinda needs to know about it too. The gym is great for that sort of thing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 01:25 am UTC (link)
	He'll just tell me what I already know and that is that I need to find some way to get the anger out. I'd rather be by myself when I do it so I can yell and scream while punching and I can't do that with other people around. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 02:50 am UTC (link)
	Why don't you just let him do that then? Maybe he'll offer good ways to get it out. The one in Stark Tower isn't busy usually. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 03:52 am UTC (link)
	Hitting things tends to help a lot. I feel like I'm trespassing when I go there. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:23 am UTC (link)
	Well maybe he has a more creative way to get it out? In case it's not a good time to hit things whenever you get mad. That is kinda his job. Come up with me then. Then you wont be trespassing, you'll be a guest. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 04:27 am UTC (link)
	I'll tell him but I doubt it. Okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:39 am UTC (link)
	It's worth a shot. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 04:46 am UTC (link)
	How did I go from wanting him back to wanting to beat the shit out of him? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 04:55 am UTC (link)
	Part of the dealing with grief process. It was a big loss. It sucks, but it means you're almost done. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 05:00 am UTC (link)
	I think the worst part was still holding onto the hope that if he really did love me we'd be able to work everything out and it would end up being okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 05:10 am UTC (link)
	Irrational anger is kinda the pits too though. But then acceptance will come and everything will be... normal I guess. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 05:13 am UTC (link)
	I think I'm more angry at myself than I am at him. Come on, Tim. You and I both know I've never been normal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 05:40 am UTC (link)
	Yeah well when have I been normal, I meant as normal as you can be. Which is pretty far away from normal. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 07:13 am UTC (link)
	Normal is a bad word, Tim. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I don't like that word. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 07:36 am UTC (link)
	Fine, when you're Rachel again. Better? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rachelsully 2014-05-31 07:46 am UTC (link)
	Much better. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tim_dixon 2014-05-31 08:02 am UTC (link)
	Good. (Reply to this) (Parent)