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readsyournotes ([info]readsyournotes) wrote in [info]chaosunraveled,
@ 2010-06-28 22:09:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Who: L and Rachel
When: June 28th, evening, Just before dark
Where: Two story house on the outskirts of Emptiness
What: After realizing he has feelings for her, L tries to come to a decision regarding Rachel.
Rating: Pg-13


After seeing Rachel’s message, L curled up in a chair inside an office on the second floor of the house and buried his head between his knees. He had two hours before she was supposed to arrive, which seemed to be both too soon and an eternity to him at once. This was going to be it; a decision had to be made whether he was ready or not. The longer he waited the harder it was going to be to reach an answer.

L had finally accepted that he had feelings for Rachel, but he still didn’t know what to do regarding the matter. He was still torn, finding neither decision acceptable.

Pushing her away from him appeared to be the most logical answer. L knew better than to allow his personal feelings get in the way of things. She was a distraction and a liability. If he didn’t do this then it would be entirely his fault if something happened to her. Association to him had always been a dangerous thing. He couldn’t allow people to get close to him. The best he could do was use them to his advantage.

L had realized when he first met her in person that with her powers, Rachel could be an excellent tool to be used against their enemies. But somehow, unexpectedly she meant more to him than that now. She wasn’t just a ‘tool’ to him anymore. If the time came where it seemed appropriate, he would have to use her. If he truly wished to avoid that, and if truly cared about her, he should cut all contact with her.

Besides, could he really trust her, depend on her, or even completely relax around her? L wanted to, but knew this wasn’t wise. The only person he had ever truly trusted in his life had been Watari. But Watari was gone and he was alone now.

Rachel was all he really had and the very idea of cutting his contact with her hurt, and it hurt him deeply. The logical part of him could at least argue that it would be more dangerous for him here if he was entirely by himself. It was good to keep someone close. And despite turning to her, he didn’t entirely trust Lilly. Who else could it be?

As Lilly had brought to light, his relationship with work did seem like an abusive relationship. But the end justified the means, didn’t it? He had excepted it. At least until now he had. He was L. He couldn’t very well abandon that just for his own happiness, could he?

All these thoughts ping-ponged relentlessly through his head. There had been no sleep for him during these past few days. He couldn’t find refuge in even the shortest nap, thus the detective was more exhausted and sleep deprived than usual --All the more reason to force himself to reach a conclusion if it was going to affect him this much. There was no reason for him to be in this house beyond his intentions of meeting Rachel here and doing just that.

L honestly didn’t know what he would say when she arrived. But he did know that if he couldn’t reach a conclusion, he might be able to save himself from his indecision if he just told her the truth about how he felt. If he did, he was quite certain that she wouldn’t return those feelings and things would work out as they should. Rachel herself would choose to avoid him and he would be forced to accept it.

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-29 05:32 am UTC (link)
Ever since that awkward conversation the other day, Rachel hadn't exactly been in the best of moods. She had opened herself to L; told him about her brother, and what had happened. By now she was positive that everyone now knew, and if they did, they weren't talking. But, Rachel hadn't opened up to anyone, except for L, and that had ended a bit awkwardly.

Call it the female instinct, but when Rachel had asked L if she could see him, and he said yes; a large part of Rachel got the sense that L actually didn't want to see her. After cancelling, the young woman berated herself for doing something so stupid, and read some more fics.

If she never had to read another Flauros/Her story, it'd be too late.

Now it was a few days after the event, and L had sent Rachel a map to a house. There was no mention of training, so she assumed that L wanted to talk. Being the pessimist that she was, Rachel was spending the first hour preparing for L to tell her that he hated her, and never wanted to talk to her again. The second hour was spent traveling to the house, but eventually she made it with three minutes to spare.

Opening up the door, Rachel softly closed it, then climbed up the stairs, and knocked on one of the doors.

"It's me," she said nervously, yet calmly as well.

Waiting for him to answer was torture, because although a part of her was expecting the worst, there was another part of her that was hoping for something good to come from this. Plus, if she could avoid it, Rachel would do her best not to reveal her feelings towards L.

Feelings that she had gotten weeks ago, but told no one about. After all, who could she tell?

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-29 06:13 am UTC (link)
Much to L’s misery, he still had no answer by the time two hours had passed. He briefly entertained the thought of just letting it go and inviting Rachel downstairs to watch a movie with him. There was no reason why it had to be today but… If not today, when? Hurt as it did, for both her and his sake, this could not be stalled.

When he heard the knock on the door, L lifted his head and just stared at it for a long painful moment, feeling his stomach knot. This was it. There was no turning back now.

Still, he had to force the words out.

“The door is unlocked.” The detective said. His voice was quiet and solemn, but he was sure she could hear him. “You can come in.”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-29 06:21 am UTC (link)
Oh fuck.

There was solemnity in his voice, and more than ever, Rachel was scared. Taking a deep inhalation of air, Rachel reached for the knob, and slowly opened it. Cautiously stepping inside of the room, she carefully shut the door, but remained by it.

"You wanted to talk?" Rachel asked quietly, and a bit sadly as well. It was almost as if she was expecting something bad to be said.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-29 07:32 am UTC (link)
“Yes.” L said nodding slowly. He picked up the traces of sadness in her voice and briefly wondered what was behind it. L wanted to ask, but knew he shouldn’t. Regardless of what it was, he couldn’t try consoling her as he didn’t have any good news for her here. Nothing he had to say would bring a smile to her face.

He swiveled his chair towards Rachel, meeting her eyes. The detective decided honesty would be best. He still didn’t know what to do about the matter, so she would decide for him. It would be better if she rejected him herself.

“I’m sorry, Rachel. That day … Those feelings we had for each other...” He swallowed hard, feeling his throat tighten. His tongue seemed thick and slow in his mouth. Each word was getting harder to get out. “I never expected to experience those feelings again.”

L then realized that he was shaking. He gipped his legs tightly in hopes of surpressing it. He waited for her response. Dreading to hear it, but at the same time knowing this was going to be over soon.

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-29 08:05 am UTC (link)
For a long while Rachel just stood there, not moving. For most people, especially more normal ones, a declaration of feelings for someone, the positive feelings for someone was an excuse for celebration.

Not in L and Rachel's case. Rachel remembered what had transpired on that day, and what would happen if either one of them actually fell in love with the other one. In this situation, L might as well have told her that she disgusted him. At least that way she could cope better.

This, however, wasn't good. For all the want of Rachel wanting to be strong, she could feel herself starting to crack. She really only had feelings for two people in her life. Patrick, and then L; and it seemed as if both of them had/were going to leave her.

It hurt.

It hurt like hell, and the bad part was that Rachel couldn't show it.

"Which doesn't mean anything good," Rachel finally said. She let out a sigh, but her voice was wavering at the next line. "Th-thanks for...being there...when I needed you," she said softly.

Of course what she was really thinking was Figures, I open up to you again, and you do this to me?

Wanting to run, but not having the strength, Rachel found herself sliding against the wall, and down to the floor. She looked at the floor, and didn't bother to look at L.

"It's funny. Most people when they're in love with each other, it's a happy time for them. But, us?" Rachel scoffed, "We might as well be at funeral."

The more she held it in the more and more pain she felt.

"I'll leave; just give me a few minutes."

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-29 02:37 pm UTC (link)
His eyes widened briefly as what she was saying sank in. She loved him as well? L had not considered that possibility, and as she spoke, he looked as though she had just punched him in the stomach.

Each word she said stung. L had expected her to be angry with him but he didn’t expect to bring her this much pain. And for once he hated himself. He hated who he was. He hated that it had to be like this, but just he sat there letting this happen because it needed to. This was goodbye. Painful as it was, it was best for both of them, wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it?

L closed his eyes for a moment. He felt like he was getting ripped apart on the inside. This was really for the best?

“No, it doesn’t mean anything good. If you don’t go both you and I have a greater risk of getting hurt. I may not be able to protect you, and Niflheim would likely try to use you against me if they found out. If something happened to you…” L stopped. regardless of all of this, something could still happen to her. Pushing her away didn’t necessarily mean she was safe. It just meant that she would be safe from anything involving him.

“I cannot stop you if you want to leave, nor can I force you to,” L said hoarsely. He lowered his voice, barely above a whisper, “I wish that you wouldn’t. But I can’t possibly ask you for that.”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-29 03:50 pm UTC (link)
She didn't say anything, her thoughts too jumbled, and prominent to even allow her such a release. She was angry, sad, hurt, and confused. She was angry at herself for even allowing herself to get this attached to not just L, but to anyone. She was angry at L; why couldn't he be a bit more normal?

But then Rachel realized that they were in a game, a war, and neither of those truly allowed for friendships. Right? After all, Rachel had noticed that nobody else seemed to be great friends with each other.

"Don't do this," she finally said, looking at L. "Don't tell me that you want me to do one thing, and turn around, and tell me you don't really want to do it."

She stood up from the ground, her eyes now transfixed on L; she was glaring at him. "I suppose, since I'd be such a traitor, maybe I should deflect to Niflheim. After all, if I knew anyone else, Niflheim could use me against them!"

Her words were bitter, angry, but not entirely true. Still, a part of her wanted to know what all this was for. If Asgard won, then both Rachel and L could resume being dead, and Rachel could go through that stupid process again. They would forget each other, so maybe this was for the best.

With a wavering sigh, Rachel turned around to open the door, and proceeded to step outside of the room.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-29 10:03 pm UTC (link)
“I never said you’d betray me.” L said, shaking his head slowly, watching numbly as she started to open the door. “But you could be captured and hurt all for the sake of hurting me. Association to me has never been a good thing. Should I have not considered how much you might suffer because of me? It is true that if you were close to someone else, Niflheim could do the same thing but not everyone has enemies there, and those that do have enemies don’t have to be as concerned at them actively looking to do just that.”

And they would have options, they didn’t have to be cold. L would just have to let it to happen despite his feelings because he couldn’t yield or show weakness. He had at least one enemy who would be more than willing to use her to break him down.

He buried his head against his knees, not wanting her to leave but knowing that he had to accept that she was. “Letting you leave is the right thing for me to do. What I want is the wrong thing. It is wrong of me to show feelings, it is wrong of me to get attached to someone, it is wrong of me to abandon everything for another person. But I have, and I am.”

He didn’t know if she was gone or not, but he didn’t think anything he could say would have stop her from leaving. “I want to continue doing the wrong thing. I’ll accept the consequences if it means being with you.”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-29 10:27 pm UTC (link)
No, she hadn't left yet. She just stayed there, frozen, listening to L. And as she did so, she realized that maybe he was right. Maybe them even being acquaintances wasn't a good idea; still it hurt Rachel. It dawned on her that perhaps what truly hurt was that she was trying to look at this game as a new life of sorts; and now that she had opened to someone, they were telling her that the right thing to do would be to leave.

She contemplated who else she could turn to, and confide in. Obviously Niflheim was out; but what of Asgard? Alessa was gone, but then again she kind of creeped Rachel out. George was out, because the guy was a serial killer, and no way in hell Rachel was revealing anything to him. The more she dwelt on it, the more Rachel realized that she wanted something to fill up the empty space inside of her. A companion of some sort, another person to confide in, so she wouldn't need to keep everything bottled inside.

"You're not supposed to have feeling," Rachel commented with an unseen smile. "Someone once called me a representation of the sun arcana. The card of creation, the happiest, brightest, and most cheerful arcana," there was a laugh, "My last name means 'bright and cheerful." She scoffed, and said, "I can create anything I want, but I can not have what I truly want."

and then she started laughing softly.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-29 11:35 pm UTC (link)
The logical part of him just wanted to let Rachel go. She’d be better off without him and what he was doing was merciful. Besides, there was no hope in salvaging this no matter how much L tried… He didn’t want to give up and lose her. As long as she was here there was hope.

“I want to you to be happy. I want to be the one to make you happy. Rachel…I would do anything for that,” And he meant it. “What can I possibly do? All I have managed to do so far is hurt you. I want to stop.”

He lifted his head, looking at her with a tired expression. He was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, and right now it was showing more than he knew. “I told you what I want. What do you want, Rachel?”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-30 12:07 am UTC (link)
Once again there was silence, but Rachel turned around, and looked at L. God, he looked like shit, and she wanted to tell him to take a damn nap. Except, he had asked her what she wanted, and she now had to answer the question.

"I want a companion," she started, "I'm not supposed to want one; I didn't want one back in my world, but this is a different world, and I don't want it to be the same. You talk about how you're not supposed to have feelings? I told myself that I wasn't going to have feelings for anyone."

Rachel stepped inside the door, and sat down on the floor. "I knew I had feelings for you a little while back, but I hid them, because I'm good at doing that," she explained softly.

"I don't want to leave. I don't want this to be goodbye. You're the first, and only person I've opened up to. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're really not like other guys. If I was with anyone else, I'd have to hear, 'Rachel, when are we going to have sex? Rachel, why are you such a frigid bitch? Rachel, are you gay? Rachel, are you human?' on and on forever."

She looked up, and smiled at him. "With you, I see a guy that would respect that. I also see a guy that looks like complete shit, and should sleep, or something."

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-30 01:18 am UTC (link)

“Do I really look that bad?” L slid off his chair and moved to sit on the floor next to Rachel. After all of this, even if she still left, he just wanted to be closer to her for at least a moment.

“I guess we both want things we aren’t supposed to.” If L wasn’t so drained from all this , he would have probably thought it was funny. He leaned against the wall sighing. “I really do work too much. In this world most of the time, nothing really comes of it. I am bored with getting nowhere, and I am tired of being alone and doing everything. I wasn’t entirely on my own in my world. When I needed someone to talk to that I could trust I had Watari. Here, there is you.”

He smiled weakly, “And without even realizing it I fell in love. I only know now because Lilly pointed it out. I haven’t slept at all since the malfunction day. Try as I like, I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to force myself to decide today but I cannot seem to let myself do what I would usually consider as the right thing. I don’t want to be without you.”

“I think I reached my decision. I am not going to say goodbye to you.”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-30 02:05 am UTC (link)
Rachel nodded her head when L asked that question.

"If we all had to make this world the same as the ones we came from, then I'd have to be a vagabond," she said. "Wow, how did Lilly figure it out? I mean, I know she's a detective...ooh, and she's also a woman; that would explain a few things," Rachel asked, but then commented out loud to herself.

"I don't want to be without you either," Rachel finally said after L's confession.

"And what is it they say? If there's a will, there's a way."

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-30 02:32 am UTC (link)
“We may argue and not see eye to eye, but I have to give her credit.” After all, she had seen something that he had not. She had even helped him by giving him someone to talk to when he needed it.

“We’ll find a way.” L said, eyes closing a little. The worst of it was over now, and he felt he could relax. He could probably even get some sleep now without having too much to worry about, but he didn’t want to do so just yet. The detective didn’t want to wake up and find that she had gone back to Asgard, even if it was just to let him rest.

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-30 02:37 am UTC (link)
She nodded her head, and looked at L. He looked tired, like he could fall asleep at any moment now. "We'll find a way, but first, you need some sleep," she told him.

Rachel continued to look at L, and finally asked, "Is there anything I can do for you, that might make you rest easier?" she asked.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-30 03:05 am UTC (link)
L just nodded in agreement. Yes, they would find a way, and yes, he needed to sleep.

“There is something.” He said, feeling slightly embarrassed with having to ask this of her. “While I rest, would you object to staying with me?”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-06-30 03:22 am UTC (link)
Rachel simply smiled, and nodded her head. "No, I won't object to that at all." As she stood up, she looked down at L, and asked, "Was there a particular place you wanted to sleep, or were you content being on the floor?"

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-06-30 03:42 am UTC (link)
L stood up after she did. He really wasn’t picky about where he slept, and he was actually fine with the floor, but he assumed Rachel would be more comfortable someplace else. The office was small and only had a desk, chair and fake plant in the corner for its furnishings.

All that mattered to him was if he was where she was. He smiled, and wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her shoulder. “Here is fine.”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-07-01 06:08 am UTC (link)
Rachel had to suppress a smile when L wrapped his arms around her, and announced that her shoulder was a great place to sleep, so to speak. "Fine for you maybe, but I'll likely topple soon, and that won't be good for either of us," she answered while wrapping one of her own arms around him.

"Come on, I noticed a room just a couple doors down; think you can make it there?" she asked sincerely with a smile.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-07-02 03:55 pm UTC (link)
“I won’t sleep long, but I agree it would be best to avoid any chance of toppling. I can make it there.” He was tired, but he didn't believe he was incapable of walking anywhere.

He was about to break his embrace when he felt her slide an arm around him. He had not expected her to return the contact, and normally he would not have been so willing to receive it, but with Rachel the action seemed a little more acceptable to him. Besides, he had hugged her first, hadn’t he?

L let it last a moment longer, then opened the door and proceeded down the hall towards the room she had mentioned.

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-07-03 12:38 am UTC (link)
She had wrapped her own arm around him to help support him, but when it became evident that he could make it the room just fine on his own, Rachel let go. The two of them headed for that bedroom. When they arrived, Rachel pushed the door open, and looked inside.

The room was your standard everyday bedroom. Against the wall was a king-sized bed, complete with bed set. Next to it on the left side was a table; in front of the bed was a small flat screen TV; and there was a lamp on the table as well.

"Not bad," Rachel commented dully.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-07-03 02:49 am UTC (link)
L had to agree with her, it wasn’t bad at all, but the detective had known this already as he had searched the house beforehand to learn more about the previous occupants and determine if the place was suitable enough for him to stay in for a couple days without having to leave. Everything was clean, organized, and contained comfortable furnishings. A lot of the furniture seemed to be new like the house itself. More importantly for L there were snacks in the cabinet, just enough deserts in the fridge and freezer, and enough coffee to make up for the lack of tea.

Without a word, L placed both hands on the side of the bed and swung himself up onto the mattress. He didn’t sleep in beds often as he tended to favor sitting up in a chair. In fact, the last time he had chosen to sleep in a bed he had done so with Rachel during the malfunction day.

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-07-03 03:04 am UTC (link)
After L had taken his place on the bed, Rachel followed suit, and found herself sitting about a foot away from L. She figured that if he wanted to be closer to her, he could either ask, or just come closer to her himself. Either way was fine with Rachel. She found herself laying down on her back, and staring at the ceiling while thinking about what had transpired.

So many thoughts were running through her head that it wasn't long before she was getting tired herself, and yawning. After that she turned her head over to L to see if he was asleep yet.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-07-03 04:20 am UTC (link)
L wasn’t asleep yet. He was lying curled up next to Rachel, watching with eyes half closed. Although he felt more relaxed than he had before, his mind was still busy. As much as he wanted sleep, there was a lot of things for him to be worried about still.

Aster what had just transpired, he know now that he couldn’t comfortably say goodbye to Rachel and push her away from him. But because of this, he had a new set of problems that needed to be worked out. L now had to concern himself with keeping the two of them safe. He wondered; did she really know what she was getting into by remaining with him? She was right in the fact that this world was an entirely different place than their own but that didn’t mean they were both free from danger. Both of them had to be careful, and he had to at least tell her what to expect.

Just as he began to wonder what Rachel was thinking about he saw her yawn and turn her head towards him. L’s eyes opened a little more, but not fully, “A lot on your mind?”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-07-03 04:34 am UTC (link)
Rachel had an idea of what she was getting into, but in some ways, she felt that given the circumstances it wouldn't be so bad. For one thing she wasn't going to tell anyone, since doing so was way too romanticized for her tastes, and just cheesy as hell. And both her and L had been careful meeting each other, so that wouldn't be anything new.

When she heard L, she rolled over to her side, and looked at him. "Maybe a little bit," she answered softly. "What about you? You're not asleep, so there must be," she asked the detective.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-07-03 05:44 am UTC (link)
“Hn… yes. I’ve never encountered this kind of scenario before so I am having a little bit of trouble taking my mind off of it at the moment,” L admitted with a small sigh. In truth, he had just been thinking in circles. If he could at least get to sleep for at least an hour he was certain he would be clear headed enough to be able to reach some solutions, but he couldn’t quite manage it.

He focused his concern back to Rachel. Even if it was just ‘a little bit’, that meant there was still something on her mind. He was curious as to what it was. “What have you been thinking about?”

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-07-03 06:21 am UTC (link)
"Yeah neither have I. I mean, I've dated before, but nothing really came from them," Rachel admitted.

It was something else though that was bothering Rachel just a little bit; a nagging question she had. "I've just been thinking, of everyone here, why me? I mean," she paused a bit, and yawned; her eyelids growing heavy. "I mean why not someone like Lilly?" she asked him.

It was highly unlikely that she'd be able to process whatever answer L gave her, since she looked like she was about to pass out soon. Still, she struggled to keep her eyes so she could at least here his answer.

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[info]readsyournotes
2010-07-03 08:19 am UTC (link)

“I’ve never dated.” L said flatly, eyes starting to fall shut. It was getting harder to concentrate on talking now. “There was never time for me to nor was it wise. I’ve never allowed someone to get this close to me. So this is an entirely new experience.” He knew he was going to regret all of this in the future. She would one day use everything he was doing and saying now against him. No amount of her assuring him otherwise would make him believe differently. As much as he would like to, he couldn’t fully trust her.

He thought about her question for a moment. In truth L didn’t really know what to say to her. He knew better than to rely on it, but there was just a strange sense of comfort he felt around her. He could enjoy her company without having to fully be on his guard. Because of her he had new experiences and he wasn’t so alone. With her he had companionship.

L stretched out and moved closer to her, taking a hold of a fold in her shirt between his fingers. “I don’t know.” He said, kissing her softly.

He noticed then that she was falling asleep and realized he was starting to drift off himself. But L was almost sure he would stay awake a moment longer than Rachel—Almost.

He closed his eyes, feeling sleep at last pulling at him, “Lilly…She is mentally stimulating, but…That is all… when I am with you… I can… …” Was all he managed to say before he finally dozed off.

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[info]i_create_xix
2010-07-04 07:51 am UTC (link)
Of course it would be difficult for Rachel to use anything against L, because she was in the same predicament. L could tell any one about her strengths and weaknesses. The biggest difference between the two was that Rachel honestly felt that she had nothing to lose; where as it seemed that L had everything to lose.

Plus, all she was hearing was "Vevered, thaever im ormnorasit bla bla bla bla"

When L kissed her softly, Rachel didn't flinch. Maybe out of trust, but more than likely it was because she had dozed off by now. She had heard L mention something about Lilly being mentally stimulating, but that was about it.

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