Title: Mouse Hunt: The Hogwarts Edition
Author: Lady B
Genre: Humor(?)
Rating: PG13(?)
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Severus, Dumbledore, Draco, and various others.
Summary: It was an ordinary day in seventh year Defense Against The Dark Arts class, a standard dueling lesson. But if your name is Harry Potter, no day is ordinary and DADA dueling is never, ever standard.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all those associated with him belong to JK Rowling imagination, Warner Brothers Inc and various other Big Important People. "Mouse Hunt" belongs to Dreamworks Pictures, Adam Rifkin and Gore Verbinski.
Author's Note: See that mouse up there? He inspired this little (Little? I don't do little!) piece.

- - -

Enter Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts and All-Around Pissed-Off Guy. Currently sitting in his classroom and marking sixth year essays.

I don't know why I continue to teach these dunderheads. They wouldn't know wormwort if it sat on their head and did the Hokey Pokey.

(Sigh.)

Yes, I know I complain too much, but is it too much to ask that these young men and women read the material before they try and make these potions? Hermione Granger is the only student (and I'll deny I ever said this) who knows what the hell she's doing. Even Potter is coming a close third behind Malfoy (and I'll deny I said that as well).

Ah yes. Potter. Bane of my existence for 8 years. Yes, I said 8. Seeing as how he and his little band of do-gooders were involved in a war the year before, Minerva decided to let those who wanted to take their last year of schooling this year. Most of my Slytherins returned. As did most of those in other houses. Too bad about young Fred Weasley, he and his brother were excellent in Potions (I think I need to go wash my mouth out with soap now).

(A patronus message streaks into the room.)

Oh, bloody hell! What now?

...

Ima and her damned Patronus! No doubt Longbottom's causing some kind of problem in Defense.

To utter a completely moronic Muggle catchphrase...

Calgon, take me away!

(Stomps from the room, slamming the door).

- - -

Earlier, in Defense Against The Dark Arts, Professor Ima Dorke was pairing up students around the room for a mock duel to prepare them for their exams.

"...and Mr Malfoy will be paired up with Mr Potter against..."

Mistake number one: pairing a Gryffindor with a Slytherin. Despite them being on the same side when Voldemort kicked it, Harry and Draco still couldn't stand to be around one another. Let's call this...(wait for it)...Unresolved Sexual Tension.

"...Mr Weasley and Miss Granger!" she concluded.

Mistake number two: pairing that particular Slytherin and that particular Gryffindor against the future Weasley baby-making machines. Hermione hated Draco and his Pureblood snobbish ways with a passion only surpassed by Ron's hatred of Harry for being gay and dumping his sister...all in the same week! Let's call this...When Bad Things Happen To Good People and It's About To Get A Whole Lot Worse...(takes a deep breath after getting all that out).

"Begin!" she called. Spells literally turned the room into a rainbow as students began dueling.

Ron shouted a Tickling charm at Harry, who rolled under it and blasted back a silent Rubber legs hex. Ron actually growled like a wounded animal. Getting revenge for her boyfriend, Hermione hit Harry with a Temporary Blindness spell, which Draco quickly canceled. Draco hit Hermione across the thigh with a slashing hex, catching her off guard for a moment. Ron jumped in front of a hair removal spell before it could hit her, causing him to go bald. Harry took one look at it and fell to the floor, laughing his arse off. Draco snorted delicately and Ron went as red as a tomato. Hermione recovered and they both shot off two different spells that sped toward Draco at a high rate of speed; Ron's spell would have given him an elephant's head, while Hermione's spell would have shrank a certain part of Draco's anatomy.

Draco's eyes widened in shock. There was no way he could move out of the way in time! Time seemed to slow down and he closed his eyes to wait for the inevitable. From a far off distance, he thought he heard someone shouting Harry's name. There was a bright flash behind his eyes and then there was dead silence.

He slowly opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was the horrified faces of Hermione and Ron. The second thing he noticed was that he still had his own face and...other things. Time returned to normal and he saw the Professor shooting off a Patronus. The other students were staring at something on the floor. Draco looked down, afraid of what he would see. There was a pile of clothing on the floor at his feet. He picked out the Gryffindor crest on the garment on top, as well as a wand. A phoenix core wand to be exact. He looked around and saw no sign of Harry.

Uh-oh!

TBC in the next chapter...