InsaneJournal

Filtered to friends/select family*
[ooc: *select family meaning not Damon, Klaus or Caroline this time. Forward dated a bit, posted at just after 3pm Lawrence time]



So things have been difficult lately. Therapy is helping me understand a lot of things, about myself. I'm still figuring a lot of it out though, and I seem to keep coming back to this same point, over and over again. A good man once told me that the reason I don't find love is because I don't deserve it, and deep down, I couldn't disagree with that.

I'm not a good person. It's been suggested around here that I'm faking being one to gain popularity here and that was never my intention. So I figure I should be brutally honest about who and what I am.

I am vicious at times, I can be cruel. I've said in the past that I get my temper from my father and that's true. It's not the impulsive rage that my brothers can show, it's calculated and ruthless. I've killed a lot of people and I don't view human life in the way a human would. Since being here I made a promise to not kill anyone and I've stuck to that, but that doesn't change the way I am, what my nature is. I am stubborn as hell, I rarely forgive wrongs done against me and I never forget. I am very often a bitch to people I dislike.

I guess what it comes down to is I don't know why you guys like me. Maybe you won't any more, now that I've said all that. I don't understand why the brothers who talk to me love me with more than just some family obligation. I don't understand why Stefan married me, why he loves me so much. I don't understand why I have friends. I don't feel like I deserve it. Any of it.

So yeah, therapy is encouraging me to be more open about how I feel so there it is. I don't even know why I'm saying all of it, I guess I just figure that because you're people I care about, you should know that, and know the truth about what I am and all stuff like that. So there it all is.