Vax was stony faced as he watched his dagger sail through the air, meeting the target and sticking where he had been aiming. The target was already stuck full of holes. It had been as fresh and clean as anything else was whenever Caleb resummoned the tower when he had slipped inside his particular room a few hours prior, but one dagger after another had left their mark.
He threw another. Thunk. Then one more. Thunk. And then, in a literal blink of an eye, the daggers appeared back in his belt so he could repeat the process over again.
Though he had tried to approach the day like any other, it wasn't any other day. Vax had woken that morning with a mess of new memories, featuring dragon battles with a side of vengeance, blossoming relationships, goodbyes and hellos, and deaths and resurrections.
It was the last, of course, that had left him sliding from his bed that he shared with Gilmore that morning, leaving a note so his boyfriend wouldn't worry, but still as silent as can be expected of a rogue who was as familiar and at home with shadows as Vax was. It was what had left him calling out of work, knowing he wasn't going to be able to be as present as the kids he worked with deserved, and instead spent the day milling around the city, slipping into the anonymity that the crowds allowed before finally returning home and, well -- he was self aware enough to know that he was hiding.
He knew that he was being selfish. When Vax had dreamed of Vex's death, the first and only thing on his mind had been to see her, to make sure she was okay. He didn't know if Vex had gotten the same memories as him, but given how history had gone thus far, he was willing to put every cent to his name down on the bet that she had. Denying her the comfort of seeing her own twin after witnessing the same was unkind. Avoiding his boyfriend, who would only want to listen, understand, and be a comfort himself was an unkindness in its own right.
Vex would find him eventually, he had reasoned again and again. In the meantime, he would sort through his feelings and find some sort of acceptance over the fact he had died. (And been resurrected, but died.) He would find an understanding and become the person that his family deserved. In the meantime, he readied another dagger and -- thunk.
Having spent the larger part of the day trying to process the sheer gravity of everything Vex now remembered, she felt she could say with some certainty that this particular memory dump had thus far been the worst. There were things to be grateful for like felling ancient chromatic dragons and putting and end to Anna Ripley and even helping Keyleth complete her Aramente. There were so many things that had plagued she and her companions for so long between their own world and the time they had spent here and she now remembered seeing almost all of them to amenable resolutions.
But just because she remembered a lot of good things, she also remembered the perpetual lesson that good things often required sacrifice. She’d already remembered her own death and the sacrifice her brother had made to return her to the living, and now she remembered losing Percival and the uncertainty that she’d ever get the chance to tell him her heart belonged to him. She remembered Scanlan’s sacrifice and the way his departure had left her raw and angry and hurt. Neither of those things quite compared to how she felt now, her freshest memory being the death of her twin, her other half.
The feeling of losing her brother was quite like having all essential things ripped directly from her chest. She’d understood, finally, what it was to want to sacrifice every part of oneself to bring back that crucial piece of themselves because she’d have given anything to have her brother returned to her. And she had, in a way, offered all of herself and everything of her companions to boot because there was little chance they could ever face a god and all survive. It was a sacrifice that she didn’t quite regret, though, because Vax’ildan had taken another breath and that was everything she ever needed from him. Keep breathing, keep living.
Do not go far from me.
Vex wondered if Vax remembered what she did, then decided he must if he was trying so damned hard to avoid her. He’d been gone from the Xhorhaus before she’d woken and he hadn’t been at work like she knew he’d been scheduled to be. At first she’d thought she could handle giving him his space. For as much as she needed to see him, she also understood what these memories took from them. As the hours wore on, though, Vex had had more time to stew on Vax’s avoidance and now she was both anxious and irritated.
When she finally found her twin in his room in the tower, she didn’t immediately announce her presence. Instead, she pulled out her bow, nocked an arrow, and knocked Vax’s next dagger off of its trajectory. “Are you quite done feeling sorry for yourself yet?” she asked, lowering her weapon. “I’ve been looking for you all day.” She knew she should be nicer, and she would be soon, but she thought maybe she deserved a moment, too.
A very real part of Vax knew that he probably should have heard his sister's approach before the dagger went flying to the side -- then appearing right back to his belt. At the same time, it wasn't as though he was of any mind to be particularly perceptive today and, though he would never admit it, his sister was nearly as stealthy as him.
Vax glanced once over his shoulder toward Vex, a twinge of guilt hitting him because of course she had been looking for him all day. He would have done the very same in her shoes. He had told himself that he needed the time to himself, but had it actually accomplished anything? That remained to be seen. His thoughts were just as jumbled as they had been that morning and he still felt that dull ache in his chest whenever he thought about home.
Looking back to the target, Vax released a sigh as he picked out another dagger from his belt. The fact that Vex had been looking for him did seem to answer the question of whether or not she'd received the same memories; they were co-dependent, sure, but they could usually make it a day without hunting the other down. Still, he raised the dagger and, as he aimed and let it go toward its mark, he said, "You found me."
For a moment, Vex internally warred over whether to press harder, or have mercy considering what she assumed they both now knew. With a small huff, she set her bow down and leaned it against the wall so that she could find a place for herself to sit next to her twin. She let him throw his daggers for a few more moments, letting him have his silence for just a while longer before she replied, “You could have made it a bit easier, you know. Finding you.” She glanced over at him before looking back at the wall. “Not that I need you to make it easier. I’m very good at tracking and I’d have found you when I wanted to. I’m just saying.”
She hated this. Hated that they even had to worry about any of this here. It was true that she’d once needed to know that they defeated the Chroma Conclave, but she hadn’t even known they were a problem when they’d first arrived in Vallo. Why had Vallo seen it fit to give them those memories, those worries, and then compound them with more grief and victory and worry. There was nothing they could do about those things here and it felt unfair that either of them had to spend what reprieve they’d found here trying to process more shit.
Vex leaned her head over on her brother’s shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t move away from her. “Vox Machina has been busy hasn’t it?”
It was telling when Vax didn't dip into the usual playful twin rivalry that they played with whenever one or both of their skills were called into question. Instead, he eventually gave up on the daggers and just sat himself next to his sister and, when Vex's head fell to his shoulder, he simply let his tip to the side and rest upon hers, eyes fluttering shut. He could already feel the wound in his chest that he'd woken up with and had allowed to fester all day begin to slowly stitch itself back together.
"Aren't they always?" Vax replied, pausing to release a long sigh. That was all the confirmation that he really needed to know that he and Vex were once again on the same page. It was a relief that he wouldn't have to recount the events to her, at least; Gilmore hadn't yet gone through the same updates that the twins had and Vax would undoubtedly catch him up in due time with little complaint, but there was comfort in knowing he would only have to put it to words once.
"Good to know the Conclave is taken care of," Vax continued, an understatement in and of itself. "Ripley is gone." And she'd taken Percy with, though that had been fixed by just one of far too many miracles Pike had needed to work in what amounted to just a handful of weeks of memories. He swallowed hard, finally adding, "Could have done without the kraken."
Vex nodded along with the short list of accomplishments that did not even begin to cover everything they had accomplished and been through over an equally short handful of weeks. Before Vax finished it off, she added, “Our gnome not-exactly-a friend-is-he is gone.” And then winced at the mention of the kraken. It was still too new--for both of them, if Vax was at the same point she was. “Definitely could have done without the kraken, or at the very least could have done with the consolation of actually killing the damned thing.”
She fell quiet again and then silently reached over and took her brother’s hand in her own, her fingers wrapping around it and taking some small comfort from the warmth that only came from the certain vitality of him. How many more times would they have to assure themselves that the other was alive? How many more times would they find themselves wondering what could possibly come next? It was exhausting, an emotional toll that left her feeling like there was nothing left in her to give but that she would find something else to give if it meant fighting to keep her beautiful brother by her side. Always, no matter what it cost her.
And, as Vex sat there and leaned against her twin, she knew that this one had probably cost them both a great deal.
“How long were you planning on hiding here, Vax? Have you been here all day? Does Gilmore know where you are?”
Vax's shoulders slumped just a bit at the questions, not because they were unwarranted but simply because he didn't like the answers he was going to have to give. But Vax did his best to be honest with his twin, especially since their first onslaught of memories that included his coming clean to Vex about what he had done with the Clasp to protect her.
He breathed a sigh, letting his fingers tighten gently around Vex's. "I've only been here a handful of hours. I called out of work and just sort of -- wandered." It had been a long time since Vax had done that, using crowds and shadows to disappear into and be alone. The guilt that had already started accumulating in his chest twisted. "I wasn't going to stay all night or anything, I just... I was hoping I'd be able to sort out my head before anyone had to deal with me."
That said, Vax tipped his head forward just a bit, a bit odd as it was still resting against Vex's. "Shaun doesn't know where I am, no." Again, he sighed. "I left before he woke up this morning."
Vex sighed at that. Of course he thought he needed to shoulder this alone. It had been a while since this particular side of her brother had made an appearance, likely because they’d become a bit more well-adjusted in this new world of theirs, but she knew it well. And while she loved Vax more than any other living creature in this universe or the next, she didn’t think indulging in this particular trait of his was going to do him any favors, especially not now when she knew just as well that the two people closest to him wanted to share his burdens.
She needed to share his burdens.
“Don’t be stupid, brother,” she said, voice void of any level of malice. “Not one of us would expect you to have any of this sorted out so soon. I certainly don’t have it sorted out. And I think I speak for both Shaun and myself when I say that we’d rather sort it out with you.” Lifting one shoulder in a shrug, she added, “And I wish you hadn’t disappeared before I woke up, too. It’s all shit, isn’t it? Your shit, my shit. We’ve both got shit and I just think maybe it would be slightly less shit if we didn’t hide from one another.”
She was right, of course, and Vax was perfectly aware. He was also aware of just how lucky he was; he wouldn't have blamed her (or Gilmore, for that matter) if she had been more upset with him up and disappearing as he had. Though he didn't like that she was in any position to understand how he felt in that moment, as he would much rather see her spared from the feelings he was wrestling with, it was hard not to appreciate that he wasn't alone in all of this.
"I'm sorry." And he meant it, the words as sincere as can be. "I knew even when I was doing it that I shouldn't, but -- old habits, I suppose."
Swallowing, Vax thought briefly on his feelings, knowing that his sister's almost certainly mirrored his own. It was his shit and her shit, but so much of it overlapped. When he spoke, his voice was a bit quieter, more concerned. "Are you all right?"
Vex honestly didn’t know what she was other than utterly exhausted and she had no clue how exactly to put the rest of it into words, anyway. She shrugged again and said, “I’ll get back to you on that one. Besides, aren’t we supposed to be talking about you? With, you know, the whole dying and coming back to life thing.”
She sat up then, turning her gaze upon her brother to study him. Worrying at her bottom lip, she finally said, “I saw her, you know. The Raven Queen. Did you know that? I actually saw her. Your goddess is creepy as fuck. I’m sorry, it had to be said. She really, really is.”
Despite himself, that drew a soft smile from Vax as he looked over toward his sister. "I think it comes with the whole goddess of death territory," he replied. "She gets a whole look."
The smile faded, though, as he thought more on all of it. His eyes dropped down, fixing on a spot on the floor. "I didn't know that, no," he admitted, "but I saw her, too. I was with her, waiting, while you all -- while you did the ritual." Vax let his thoughts wander back to that, the words that he heard from his sister, Keyleth, and Grog. Vex and Keyleth were expected, but Grog? If Vax weren't in such a mood, the thought of Grog more or less threatening him back to life might have made him laugh.
Instead, he looked back up to Vex. "I heard you, you know. All of you." He raised an eyebrow in such a way that would have made Gilmore proud. "You promised her a god in exchange for me."
Nudging him with her shoulder, Vex said, “If I didn’t actually know better, I would have thought you’d chosen her on purpose. The whole look really suits you, you know. You’re not creepy, obviously, but this whole dark and mysterious thing has been your thing for as long as I can remember. It works.” She offered a slight smile but it flickered and petered out almost as quickly as it had surfaced.
The ritual had been--gods--the worst thing she was sure she’d ever been through. It was an entirely different sort of hard than trying to revive Percival had been. It was one thing to lose the person who held your heart, and an entirely different thing to lose your heart itself. Vax was and always would be her heart and the uncertainty of whether or not the ritual would even work, given the circumstances, had been the worst sort of waiting game.
She reached over to the place where she remembered having braided in her feathers what felt like mere hours ago and gave his hair a gentle tug. She needed just a moment to swallow back the way her throat tightened and her eyes began to burn--this was not about her, she would not cry. “I would have promised her the whole pantheon for you.”
Vex may have swallowed back that sudden urge to cry, but Vax was none so lucky. He had been on the precipice all day, cycling through the sorrow, rage, and helplessness that came with the memories and his being unable to do anything about them other than feel. And hearing such a statement and knowing not only that there was no exaggeration in it, but that he would have done the very same for her in a heartbeat? We didn't think he could be blamed too harshly when he blinked rapidly and a few tears skittered onto his cheeks.
Vax took his sister's hands in his own, his fingers wrapping around hers as his head dipped once more, looking down at them. "I know that I am not the first to have died," he said, knowing full well that she had gone through it herself and they had resurrected too many of their friends since then, "and I doubt that I will be the last before our adventures are through, but..." His words trailed off and Vax sighed. "It is just a lot."
At that, he looked up through his eyelashes at Vex once more. "I really am sorry for disappearing today."
Vex pulled her hands from Vax’s and instead leaned forward to wrap her arms around his middle, letting her head come to rest against his shoulder. She wanted so badly to be strong for him when it seemed like maybe he could use a bit of her strength just now, but she needed what comfort she could take from the solidness of his presence. “You don’t have to apologize,” she murmured. “It is a lot, and I hate it. I hate all of it. Well, no, not all of it, but you know what I mean.” She punctuated her reply with a dismissive flourish of her hand before her arm went back around him.
“I don’t know if it’s because of the time we’ve spent here, but do you ever wonder why it has to be us? Why do we have to be heroes? Why do any of us have to sacrifice so fucking much to save the world from dragons?” When had they collectively decided that Keyleth’s aramente was worth Vax’s life? She didn’t say it, though, because it made her feel shitty to even think it. She couldn’t be sure that Vax would even agree with her. “Why does your death not being the last in our adventures feel like such an inevitability? I’m so tired, Vax. I’m tired of losing. Even when we win, we lose.”
Vax completed the embrace, his arms going tight around Vex as he let her talk. It was a question he'd asked himself before, too. Why did it have to be them? What was it about Vox Machina that kept them going out there, risking their lives again and again? Would they ever earn a break or a rest from the relentless bullshit that seemed to be constantly thrown at them? Would they even take that break, if presented?
He knew the answer, though, and he delivered it to his sister on the end of a sigh. "If we don't do it, who will?"
Vax pulled back, looking at his sister's face and lifting his hands to smooth the hair he had twisted into countless braids. "That doesn't mean I don't hate it, mind you. I want so badly for us to have a fucking break already, to maybe enjoy some peace and some shade of a happily ever after."
“Let’s stay here, then,” Vex said, knowing full well that they had no control over whether or not they would. “Let’s stay here where everyone else rushes out to save Vallo when the turkeys turn murderous, or the dragons come calling. Heroes are a fucking copper a dozen here. Let’s stay here and let them handle it while we grow fabulously old. I want to be completely unimportant for a change.”
Vax let out a soft huff of a laugh in response. It was hard to imagine either of them actually sitting back when whatever Vallo brought calling next came -- but, at the same time...
"Honestly, that sounds like a hell of a retirement. Real jobs. Watching Velora grow up. Being disgustingly sappy every day with Shaun. Using the wings for nothing other than getting groceries home before the ice cream melts." He chuckled at the last, then sobered just a bit before tugging on a strand of Vex's hair. "We might even go grey someday."
It was a beautiful mental image that her brother laid out before her. Vex desperately wanted all of it. Even if Percival never returned, even if she never moved on to someone else, there was nothing she needed more than the promise of a life where she and the whole of her heart could just live and be happy. There was nothing else in the world that could fill the gaping hole that Vax’s temporary absence had ripped in her heart and if it meant leading the most boring, domesticated life with her brother and the love of his life, then she would be happy to do it.
“We would look amazing with grey hair,” she replied. “I vote we do it. Just really commit to a non-sacrificial life of normalcy.” She was quiet for a moment before adding, “Please don’t ever leave me again. I will try so hard to never leave you again either.”
Vax smiled at Vex then, small and sad. It wasn't a promise that he could make, of course; between Vallo being itself with random disappearances and his inability to divine out the future, he didn't know what lay in store. But that didn't mean he couldn't try. And, if he were to be perfectly honest, he didn't exactly hate the thought of skipping out on running (or flying) headfirst into the next danger that was thrown at them. He'd always thought he was doing that to protect the people he loved, telling himself that what happened to him didn't matter, so long as they were alive -- and not considering that what happened to him absolutely mattered to them.
He leaned up then, pressing a kiss to Vex's forehead. "I will do my very best, I promise you."
Vex closed her eyes, letting herself be comforted while hoping that she was providing some sense of comfort for him, too. “I know,” she replied despite Vax’s very real track record of throwing all caution to the wind in the name of protecting those around him from harm, even if they all eventually followed him into it, anyway. “Maybe we can just trick the universe into letting us not lose things for a while.”
Though she was beyond glad that she still had her brother here with her and the irritation she’d been feeling had begun to dissipate, Vex also knew that she was not the only one affected by their memories, or even by his day of avoidance. She gave him a small squeeze before she said, “Are you ready to stop dwelling long enough to come back home? I have it on good authority that there’s an unreasonably attractive sorcerer waiting to hear all about your new adventures and to distract you from all of this with--no, nope, I can’t finish that sentence. I tried.”
Though a smile did come to Vax's face at Vex's teasing, he did feel a rather multi-faceted twinge of guilt in his chest. He shouldn't have been avoiding Gilmore, just as he shouldn't have been avoiding his sister. More than that, the fresh memories of Keyleth and their circling one another turning official after their first visit to the fallen Draconia weighed on him, too. He had already had a conversation with Gilmore about Keyleth and he knew that his boyfriend understood and knew that Vax was devoted to him here, but he was an overthinker and dweller by nature.
But, Vex was right. It was time to stop dwelling and to go back home. Gilmore deserved it and, if Vax wanted to be selfish, he knew that he needed his boyfriend and would feel better if he was near to him.
"Yeah," he agreed, nodding, "I'm ready." Vax leaned up, then peered over toward Vex. He thought briefly of Keyleth, the diverging paths he had taken while following his heart in Tal'Dorei versus Vallo, and how he wasn't sure he deserved to be given so much happiness and love in two worlds. "I really love him, you know."
Vex smiled then, reluctantly releasing her hold on her brother to sit back up and really look at him. She reached up, brushing his hair back, and said, “I know you do, darling. There’s nothing in this world or the next that will change that unless you will it. He’s a good one, too, and I am so happy that you have him despite whatever I may say that might suggest otherwise.”
It meant a lot to Vax to have his sister's support -- not that he didn't know that he already had it prior to this moment. But knowing her own ups and downs when it came to Percival arriving and being taken from Vallo and knowing that she had her own romantic developments back home, he appreciated that she would listen to him all the same.
"I'm a lucky man," Vax said, getting to his feet. "And I think I ought to go tell him that, among other things." He reached a hand out to help Vex up, not that he really thought she needed it. "Thank you for finding me, Stubby."
Taking his hand and pulling herself up, Vex said, “You definitely should. It’s a lot of memories, Vax, and you don’t have to shoulder them alone, so don’t.” She glanced down at the empty space between them, letting herself cycle through all of the things she wanted to say but chose to hang onto for another time. “Of course,” she replied, looking back up at him with the barest hint of a smile. “I always will, Scrawny.”