Triumphant: logs, entries, media.

Approximately five minutes into any given visit home some variation on this conversation is bound to happen:

Mum: Have you set a date yet?
Me: Winter.
Mum: This winter?
Me: Any winter.
Mum: dramatic speeches about old maids and adorable grandbabies and whatnot.

I mean, Tilden would make adorable grandbabies, she does have a point there. But it's sort of fun to make her stew. Meanwhile I'm getting paid to go to Kneazle shows. High profile, no. Super fun day at the office, definitely. Currently covered in fur mind you and some of the purebred Kneazles were a bit frisky with their claws - hot tip, if you plan to do this, visit the purebred cages first. Apparently they'll flip out if you have a million other cat smells on you. That courtesy of the very nice man at the entrance. Anyway it's a three day event so look for the details in tomorrow morning's Prophet under the photo of me holding an enormous grey thing.

On a more serious note, I did think maybe the Azkaban escapees would have been caught by now. There's a lot of newsroom rumours of course but none of them seem particularly more credible than the others. Obviously the Aurors would want to keep any real information secret so Lestrange and Rosier don't get advance warning but the silence is extremely unnerving. Here's hoping for a quick resolution.

Does the DMLE Have a Drink Problem?
A certain loudmouthed Auror has been frequently spotted at downscale pubs consuming frankly alarming amounts of poor quality alcohol. "Oi, that [name redacted] Ministry tosser's a regular," says one eyewitness. "Prolly keepin' em solely in business at this point. Also, they water down their ale!" A pending investigation into whether or not pubs have correct liquor licences. This isn't the first time we've heard about Aurors imbibing more than they should. Do we, readers, feel pity for this dwindling department whose stubborn remaining members are becoming increasingly irrelevant, an existential problem that is clearly driving the more weak-willed to substance abuse? Or do we feel outrage that we fund these irresponsible Ministry workers? Chime in with your opinions!

Back at it Again
Our favourite convicted murderer reveals more about his childhood of torturing magical creatures. While word has it he still converses and even takes tea with his equally infamous cousin, a certain feared Death Eater at large! With our gentleman murderer's intimate familiarity with the prison and our terrifying Death Eater's fugitive status and brazen loyalty to You-Know-Who, these names are sure to top the Ministry's list of suspects in the recent Azkaban breakout. Who do you think is responsible behind the breakout, readers?

Where's the Exterminator?
The uptick in werewolf animal attacks amongst rural Britain has culminated in the brutal slaughter of a foal said to be valued at 50.000 galleons, the spawn of famous winged racers Wind Beneath My Wings and Luck Be A Lady. Witnesses say owner Madsen Grapplehorn is positively fuming over the loss of his massive investment and infuriated by the incompetent protections provided by the ranch at which the foal was being raised. Werewolves are required to ingest Wolfsbane Potion for every full moon, but there is hardly much enforcement of the law, action is only taken after a crime has occurred, and more often than not, the beast gets away with it due to the time elapsed between the crime and its discovery. Is the Ministry doing enough to protect her citisens against this beastly blight? As we all know, prevention is the KEY to reducing criminal activity. Do you have any werewolf stories to share?

Hogwarts: Smuggling Source?
You'd think education wouldn't be so controversial, but a recent scandal has rocked Hogwarts with the revelation of a certain professor who was caught reselling valuable ingredients (grown in Hogwarts' very own greenhouse!) to underground potions brewers. Said professor has been sacked and then swiftly arrested, with a full investigation pending into what promises to be an extensive underground black market. What an embarrassing turn of events for the school and its staff! How many of them were complicit, do you think, readers? Parents across the nation are said to be absolutely outraged.

There are a million books around the house at any given moment, so I'm normally a big fan of reading. But sometimes, you gotta ask what writers were thinking, yeah?

Also, mental note: I need to put a bell or something on this thing as not to lose it!

Such fuss.