InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "stop slacking, do your work."

james buchanan barnes (whatthebucky) wrote in thedisplaced,
@ 2018-09-23 13:35:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes / winter soldier (ph), james rogers, natasha romanoff / black widow (mcu), steve rogers (au), steve rogers / captain america (mcu), tina cohen-chang

[ FILTERED TO TINA COHEN-CHANG & JAMES ROGERS ]
Hi. Howard showed up. I'm not dealing with that very well. Wrote you two letters, but they got rambly and too honest, so I burned them. I love you two, but I gotta take off for a little bit. I won't be gone for too long though, but take care of Han and Kap while I'm away, yeah? I'll be in touch. - Disregard. Staying.

[ FILTERED TO STEVE ROGERS SQUARED ]
~~Not dealing with Howard being here very well so I'm taking some time away. I know it'll be hard, but don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.~~ Disregard. Staying.

[ FILTERED TO NATASHA ROMANOFF ]
How is he?

[ooc; Talk of murder, assassin triggers, and death in comments.]

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	Re: Second filter whatthebucky 2018-09-24 10:40 am UTC (link)
	Good thing I changed my plans, dummy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Second filter

antifa
2018-09-24 02:16 pm UTC (link)

Well I didn't say don't go at all. I need some time to do something dumb.

Bucky

Alright there Buck?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Second filter whatthebucky 2018-09-24 02:41 pm UTC (link)
	Nah, you only need about five minutes when I'm not looking. Plenty of time. [ STEVE ] Not really. But I will be. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Second filter

antifa
2018-09-24 03:00 pm UTC (link)

That long? I'm slipping.

[BUCKY]

Give him a bit.

We've all been through too much for him to not see this for what it is.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Second filter

whatthebucky
2018-09-24 03:19 pm UTC (link)

Slip more, I'm hoping to take one hour breaks from watching your back at some point.

[ STEVE ]
I think he'll understand at some point, if he doesn't already. I get that. But a lot of this has to do with me and what I'm feeling and that's guilt. I kill him, Steve. Him and Maria. I remember it. How do you apologize for that? How do you make it right?

What if the programming is still in me somewhere? Despite what Shuri and Betsy did to remove it? What if it comes back?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Second filter

antifa
2018-09-24 03:46 pm UTC (link)

Dare to dream, I guess.

[BUCKY]

You don't. It's a heck of a situation, Buck, and I'm not sure there's ever a way for a man to make right with finding out about his death. But you're as much a victim in this as he is. A reasonable person won't blame the gun, they'll blame the one who fired it. And that's HYDRA.

Howard will get there too.

As to the programming, I can't say I know entirely how it works, but you've been years, here, Hawaii, back home without an incident. And Betsy can probe a heck of a lot deeper as a telepath than whatever HYDRA could, don't you think? You could maybe get another opinion if it will help your piece of mind, but I believe that's out of your system by now.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

STEVE/BUCKY.

whatthebucky
2018-09-24 04:28 pm UTC (link)

I already know your stance on all of this, but you know I don't completely agree with that, right? It was still my hands. I could have fought the brainwashing harder. I could have broken free earlier.

I did revert, one time, back in Hawaii. It was right after the first time I got a memory dump with the Winter Soldier memories. I got through it, but I never got deprogrammed. Betsy did that here. Then with the last update, I got memories from the time with Thanos and the snap. Shuri's deprogramming was in there too, but there's a large, irrational part of me that's still afraid that something might crop.

Natasha has the kill switch, if it does and I can't be stopped. Betsy put it in, but Nat's the only one who knows the words. It helps, knowing someone that won't hesitate to use them if needed has them, but it doesn't stop the nightmares. And with Howard showing up, I guess it's just a reminder of it all and I'm not handling it very well.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	STEVE/BUCKY. antifa 2018-09-24 05:37 pm UTC (link)
	And I could have fought the ice. You did the best you could against a hell of high odds. I know you don't completely see it that way. But I also think you're kind of a knucklehead sometimes. Maybe have Shuri look at it again here? I'll keep you in the loop on what Howard's telegraphing about you if it helps. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: STEVE/BUCKY. whatthebucky 2018-09-25 02:44 pm UTC (link)
	I'm just really tired and don't want to argue with you about this so, I'm going to focus on calling you dumb. And at least my beard doesn't look as ridiculous as yours. I might. She's one of the only people I trust with this. Yeah, it'll help. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	STEVE/BUCKY. antifa 2018-09-25 02:51 pm UTC (link)
	My beard is awesome. And you know how I feel. You know the other Bucky actually came over to drink the other day with Howard and I. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: STEVE/BUCKY. whatthebucky 2018-09-25 03:57 pm UTC (link)
	I didn't say it wasn't awesome. Just said it was ridiculous too. And I do and I know you're stubborn and won't change your mind about that, so there's no point in arguing over it. We'll actually look our age by the time before either one of us gives in. Huh. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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