InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y! NIGHT!"

Ren Waugh-Solo (behindthemask) wrote in thedisplaced,
@ 2018-02-03 17:33:00

Entry tags:

!network post, kylo ren / ben solo, meetra surik (legends), sam wilson / captain america (616)

(027) Kylo Ren
[Meetra Surik]

You'd said something before about pointers.

[Sam Wilson 616]

Hi.

Quentin said that you would talk to people about stuff.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

Kylo/Sam

captcommunist
2018-02-04 07:49 pm UTC (link)

I don't think anyone really enjoys talking about their mistakes or the bad things that have happened to them. It's a pretty big part of who you are though, I'd wager.

When you look back and think it was a bad call, do you mean it was a bad call knowing what you know now, or a bad call with the information you had at the time? Because those can be very different things. The first one's a problem with acting on incomplete information, the second one's a problem with how you make decisions or how the consequences you expect match up to reality.

Living up to what someone else wants you to be is always hard. It can be easy to get lost in it, until the things you want become so small and unimportant that you can't recognise them anymore. Being able to say what you don't want is a good first step on figuring out what you do want though, it's more things you can rule out.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Kylo/Sam

behindthemask
2018-02-04 09:17 pm UTC (link)

I mean the former. At least I think I do.

[...] I don't know what you know about the Force, but I ended up self-choosing a Master that was using me for his own means. Or at least I believe that's true now. At the time though, it felt like he was the only person who wasn't afraid of my potential. I didn't feel like I could trust my parents, and I certainly couldn't trust my Uncle, who was the Master they selected.

What you said before about mistakes being punished? It's not that mistakes weren't allowed, but more that every time I didn't give the right answer or every time I got emotional I could feel that they were uneasy. So I'd try to figure out the right answer or just try to stay calm all the time - which I'm not great at. It felt like a constant performance that I was always failing and we all knew I was failing but nobody would acknowledge it. We just didn't talk about why I was failing.

And eventually I found out that my actual Grandfather was Darth Vader, they didn't tell me any of that, and I guess I started thinking that maybe there was a reason I couldn't succeed. So when things blew up I went to Snoke, because he said I could reach the full potential of my Skywalker bloodline with him. And initially it felt like freedom, but ultimately it was the same - certain things would set him off, particularly anything that showed I still cared about my parents, or questioned any of the things the First Order was doing. And Snoke did punish, so I learned to just turn it off, or bury it till later. I thought he understood me, but I think now that he just saw me as Vader's heir and he wanted that. I'm not sure it was ever about me.

[...]

Eliot more or less said the same thing to me a few months ago, that sometimes we only know who we are when we look back and see who we aren't, or something like that. I don't like who I was when I came here. ~~I was~~ It was lonely. But there's a reason why I tried to rid myself of every part of Ben Solo too, because I hated it too.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Kylo/Sam

captcommunist
2018-02-04 10:06 pm UTC (link)

That makes a lot of sense. Our own expectations, or the expectations we think other people have, can be just as hard to deal with as the ones they actually have. And when you're coming after someone who's made a big impact, whether it was a good one or a bad one, it's a lot of added pressure. I definitely feel that sometimes, Steve's boots can be pretty hard to fill. It's even worse when it's a family member like a parent or grandparent too because we tend to see who they are as part of us. You can sort of expect that if you don't live up to the good ones it's a personal failure because you should have the potential, or that you can't out-run the bad ones because whatever made them do the things they did is in you as well. And it only makes it worse when things are kept secret and you have to find out on your own later. Teenagers and younger aren't known for reacting to things completely rationally anyway. It sounds like you were being pulled in so many different directions that you never had the chance to just sit with yourself and figure out who that is.

It's not really too late to do that though. Right now you've actually got a lot less people expecting things of you so you've got some breathing room to figure things out. Eventually that's going to mean really looking at the bad parts as well as the good parts, but you don't need to jump in right at the deep end like that.

Have you ever thought about a journal? Some people find it helpful to write down things just for themselves so they can look at how their thoughts and feelings change over time, or try to understand what affects their behaviour.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kylo/Sam behindthemask 2018-02-04 11:14 pm UTC (link)
	I haven't even touched on the politics, but they're all wrapped up in it too. It's definitely one of the things that's different here. But you aren't wrong about the expectations. I know people know things, but mostly they don't bother me much. I haven't kept a journal for years. I did keep a diary when I was a teenager. [...] Do you think I should again? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kylo/Sam captcommunist 2018-02-05 04:17 am UTC (link)
	That is one of the good things about this group, I think. When so many people have something special about them you get knocked back down to normal. Normal can be severely underrated. You could try it. It might make it easier to work through things if you're getting it down on paper, but without as much need to actually make sense. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kylo/Sam behindthemask 2018-02-05 04:28 am UTC (link)
	Honestly, I don't think I've ever been such a fan of normal as I have been these past few months. Right. I'll pick up a notebook. [...] So, is this what we do? I mean, I guess, just talk? Is there some trick beyond that? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Kylo/Sam

captcommunist
2018-02-05 05:02 am UTC (link)

I'm not surprised. It's a chance to just be that a lot of people haven't really had before, even with the attacks and weird events.

Not really. I'm trained to spot warning signs of bigger problems but most of what I do is just active listening. Taking what you say and reframing it or asking questions so you can look at things in different ways without tripping over all the mess. I tend to think most people have all the information they need already, it's just lost in a big pile of stuff that's so overwhelming it can be hard to know where to start. Sometimes I teach coping strategies, like when I was talking about working through anxiety and panic after the battle, but mostly it really is just having someone neutral to talk things through with.

If you want we could schedule some time to get together once a week or so and see how that works. You might want less or more or prefer writing to talking so we can adjust things until it feels about right.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Kylo/Sam

behindthemask
2018-02-05 06:12 am UTC (link)

When Eliot invited me to move into the cottage, even before we were together, it was the most like a home - a real one - that I think I'd ever had.

Yeah. Hopefully I make sense. I'm not sure always where to start or what to cover cause I don't know what you know. But I guess probably not so much if you haven't really watched films and things.

I think I'd like to try that if that's all right. I think I could do face-to-face anyway.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kylo/Sam captcommunist 2018-02-05 06:48 pm UTC (link)
	It's okay if you don't always make sense. We can figure it out. How about we shoot for Tuesdays? About 2 o'clock's a good time since it's easy to find an empty classroom on the school deck. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kylo/Sam behindthemask 2018-02-05 07:59 pm UTC (link)
	Tuesdays are good. And 2 is fine. It's not like I have much of a schedule right now. Thanks. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Kylo/Sam

behindthemask
2018-02-04 10:05 pm UTC (link)

[...] Except with Dad.

That was a bad call with the information I had at the time too. I think I knew it. I just convinced myself Snoke knew more than I did, and I had to do it or risk not being anyone of any importance.

And the thing is, when I say that, it feels right, but then I wonder how many of the other calls I made when I was working with Snoke, are the same way. I should have done differently, but I convinced myself he knew better?

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -