Kylo/Sam
I mean the former. At least I think I do.
[...] I don't know what you know about the Force, but I ended up self-choosing a Master that was using me for his own means. Or at least I believe that's true now. At the time though, it felt like he was the only person who wasn't afraid of my potential. I didn't feel like I could trust my parents, and I certainly couldn't trust my Uncle, who was the Master they selected.
What you said before about mistakes being punished? It's not that mistakes weren't allowed, but more that every time I didn't give the right answer or every time I got emotional I could feel that they were uneasy. So I'd try to figure out the right answer or just try to stay calm all the time - which I'm not great at. It felt like a constant performance that I was always failing and we all knew I was failing but nobody would acknowledge it. We just didn't talk about why I was failing.
And eventually I found out that my actual Grandfather was Darth Vader, they didn't tell me any of that, and I guess I started thinking that maybe there was a reason I couldn't succeed. So when things blew up I went to Snoke, because he said I could reach the full potential of my Skywalker bloodline with him. And initially it felt like freedom, but ultimately it was the same - certain things would set him off, particularly anything that showed I still cared about my parents, or questioned any of the things the First Order was doing. And Snoke did punish, so I learned to just turn it off, or bury it till later. I thought he understood me, but I think now that he just saw me as Vader's heir and he wanted that. I'm not sure it was ever about me.
[...]
Eliot more or less said the same thing to me a few months ago, that sometimes we only know who we are when we look back and see who we aren't, or something like that. I don't like who I was when I came here. I was It was lonely. But there's a reason why I tried to rid myself of every part of Ben Solo too, because I hated it too.