Kylo/Sam
That makes a lot of sense. Our own expectations, or the expectations we think other people have, can be just as hard to deal with as the ones they actually have. And when you're coming after someone who's made a big impact, whether it was a good one or a bad one, it's a lot of added pressure. I definitely feel that sometimes, Steve's boots can be pretty hard to fill. It's even worse when it's a family member like a parent or grandparent too because we tend to see who they are as part of us. You can sort of expect that if you don't live up to the good ones it's a personal failure because you should have the potential, or that you can't out-run the bad ones because whatever made them do the things they did is in you as well. And it only makes it worse when things are kept secret and you have to find out on your own later. Teenagers and younger aren't known for reacting to things completely rationally anyway. It sounds like you were being pulled in so many different directions that you never had the chance to just sit with yourself and figure out who that is.
It's not really too late to do that though. Right now you've actually got a lot less people expecting things of you so you've got some breathing room to figure things out. Eventually that's going to mean really looking at the bad parts as well as the good parts, but you don't need to jump in right at the deep end like that.
Have you ever thought about a journal? Some people find it helpful to write down things just for themselves so they can look at how their thoughts and feelings change over time, or try to understand what affects their behaviour.