InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I am confusion"

stephanie nashton does it all (forthem) wrote in rooms,
@ 2014-10-19 23:07:00

Entry tags:

!tales, *journal, *log, barbara gordon, bruce wayne, damian wayne, death, eddie nigma, helena wayne, selina kyle, stephanie brown

selina k, bats & birds, muerte, eddie n
[All of this is handwritten in her messy, girlish hand.]

[locked to selina k.]

Meow.

[locked to batfam+]

Mandatory check-in. I'm living with a squat, old witch who insists on making me learn how to cook frog stew. Now your turn.

[locked to muerte.]

[She's not sure if this will go through, but she can't help but try. Pen press then eventually:] Hi.

[locked to eddie n.]

[She's been gone most of the day with Agnes. Eventually, midway through the afternoon he gets this locked to him.]

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Re: nashtons quicklog

riddlethem
2014-10-22 04:55 am UTC (link)

See this is what I'm talking about. [Eddie only saw an abusive man through the lens of her feelings. He saw a man that took and then hurt when he couldn't have what he wanted. Her hurt invalidated his, didn't? The riddled man was always bordering on psychopath (right?) and he knew that meant his feelings were all wrong. That he should have always trusted her. That he should have stayed on his drugs and tried so fucking hard to drown out the sharpness he was craving.]

I can't- I don't deserve any of this, Stephanie. At the end of the day, I'm just an Arkham hound pretending I can be a house pet. But, I can't. I can feel everything. Look at all the fucking damage I did. [Eddie looked at her blues as the burning feeling of determination brewed in her belly and he wondered if this was really any fucking different from Harley and Joker or the Cat and Bat. If she had fallen into the same trap every woman in Gotham did eventually.] Stop with the fixing thing. Stop it, Stephanie. I'm not a fucking watch. [Eddie pulled out of her grip and stumbled out of the fairy forest.]

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Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 05:12 am UTC (link)

Eddie, stop it. [Her voice cracked, and her hand hovered where it had gripped his shirt a moment beforehand, and she bit back a sad little whimper that threatened to slip out. Things were going so good, and here they were crumbling again. Her hand deflated, and she gave him a half a second start before bounding after him.] I'm not talking about fixing you. You don't need to be fixed, Eddie. I fucking do though. And this relationship does. You said that yourself. [Shaking her head, she ran after him, toes squishing into dirt and wet grass.] Baby, you didn't do this. Okay? You didn't.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

riddlethem
2014-10-22 05:22 am UTC (link)

[Eddie didn't get far. The rush of emotions from Stephanie sent him on a tilt-a-whirl panic attack and he dizzily slumped against a tree before falling on his hands and knees. He tried to breathe, he tried not to think about every terrible thing he had done. Everything from robbing banks to killing innocent people on accident to hurting his wife to thinking for once he had the right to feel wronged. It was easier here in the dirt and the mud and below where he always believed that he belonged. Sure, he worked for decades and decades to get attention to say me look here at ME, but deep down he knew where he belonged. He knew the good man Eddie Nashton everyone believed they saw was just another rigged carnie game.]

I did. Look. Just go back to Gotham and tell my shrink I'm on a business trip. [His voice was scarily even, like he was trying to drain everything out of it.] Tell him I need my prescription doubled. Tell him it's gotten worse. [Eddie had thought he was better, but he needed to dull everything out, didn't he? His mind was too sharp, too confusing, too bright. He had the choice between being a watered down house husband or THE RIDDLER and he chose wisely, so wisely.]

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Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 05:37 am UTC (link)

[Stephanie was shaking just a touch, and she stopped in front of him, standing for just a second before sinking to her knees just a little away from him. She reached out, but she didn't touch in case that made things worse. Her stomach turned icy cold, and she couldn't help but blame herself for this yet again. Here she was fucking things up again. Shaking her head, she folded her hands in her lap.] No, Eddie. No. You aren't going to do that. You aren't going to drown yourself out. [Because that was what he was doing, wasn't it?] That's the reason you stopped drinking. So you wouldn't do that. [She dared to touch a knee.] You aren't going to be the perfect husband. And guess what? I don't want that. I want you. [A deep sigh.] I want all the messiness that comes with having something real, something good. Neither of us are perfect, baby. We're going to hurt each other, but we have to remember what's important.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

riddlethem
2014-10-22 05:41 am UTC (link)

What's important, Stephanie? That you love me despite how terrible I am? Is that what's important? [Eddie looked up at her and she couldn't back out of it, not when he could reach into her feelings. Her love was different than his. Her love was like a Bat fighting through pain and anguish because it was the right thing to do. And, the riddled man didn't want that. He didn't want that in spite.]

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Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 05:48 am UTC (link)

No! [That frustration licked at her brain finally and bled into her words, and she punched the ground.] No, Eddie, what's important is that we love each other and we want this to work! God fucking dammit. [She rubbed her eyes in frustration.] I love you, Eddie. I love you more than I've loved anything or anyone in my entire life, and there's no one else for me. I want this to work. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Multiple lives if I got the chance. [She blinked away some angry tears and looked up at him.] I'm in pain and so are you, but if we don't hide it, if we talk about it we won't end up like the rest of Gotham. That's why we're different. We talk. And I know I'm the one who fucked that up but I'm trying so hard, Eddie. And I'm going to wait until we're okay. Better than okay. Because I want you to be my partner, my husband, the father of my babies. And I know I have to earn that back.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

riddlethem
2014-10-22 05:59 am UTC (link)

You aren't the only one who fucked up, Stephanie. If you keep putting it all on you, it's going to break you if it hasn't already. I messed up, too. I did, too goddamnit. [He could feel the sap's powers slowly draining from him, but he didn't need it anymore. He could see her and even when he would lay down on the tracks for her, she wouldn't let him. To Eddie, that either meant he wasn't the hateful creature that little part of his brain tried to tell him that he was or she was an idiot. And, Stephanie Nashton? Was no idiot.

Eddie sighed and pressed his hand into his eye to push back any tears. He breathed deeply, he focused on it and he almost missed that last part. He looked and a smile wiggled at the edge of his mouth. Suddenly the rest of it didn't really fucking matter. The pain ignored like she kissed his finger after he slammed it in a door.] You still want to have my babies?

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Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 06:08 am UTC (link)

[Stephanie sighed.] Muerte said the same thing. I'm just really, really good at blaming myself for everything, Eddie. You know that. [She knew, objectively, that there was shared guilt between the two of them. That Stephanie wasn't the only weak link in the marriage, but it was so much easier to fault herself than continue to guilt her husband. Looking down towards the ground, she focused on the dewy grass, on the dirt, on the tiny flowers blooming underneath them. Until it was that she heard that curious lilt in his voice. She blinked before looking up. Frankly, she didn't even think about what she had said, but it was true. She smiled softly, eyebrows furrowing just a touch.] Of course I do, you baboon. [And she wiped her hands on her dress before touching his face, biting back that smile and just nodding again.]

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	Re: nashtons quicklog riddlethem 2014-10-22 06:14 am UTC (link)
	[Eddie crossed his arms around his middle and leaned forward, almost like he was trying to fold himself in half.] We need to forgive each other. [He whispered and then glanced back up at her. He hadn't thought about kids in forever.] All of that felt so far away. [And, maybe that was part of the problem.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 06:24 am UTC (link)

[She dared to scooch a little closer to him, enough so that her bare knees just began to touch his clothed ones.] Kids seemed far away? [She flashed him a sad smile, and she wondered if she should be the first to go for the forgiveness train. There would still be that lingering hurt, but she trusted that he wouldn't intentionally hurt her.] I forgive you. Of course I do. [Her fingers brushed over his knee.] I'm still going to hurt for a while, and I know you're still going to be hurting for a while, but it'll be okay. It'll go away.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

riddlethem
2014-10-22 06:30 am UTC (link)

A family didn't even seem possible. [Eddie admitted, though that probably wasn't a surprise. Not only had they completely failed building the family they wanted, they stopped talking about it. How could he believe it was still in the cards? He took her hands, threading their fingers and brought them up to hold between them. Eddie looked at her and squeezed.] Thank you. I love you. [He carefully brought her hands up to his hairline and encouraged her fingers to push through, her nails to scrape his scalp.] I forgive you, too.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 06:41 am UTC (link)

I love you, too. [Her fingers pushed readily through his hair, nails barely scraping against his scalp before digging a little deeper. Needling a little more. She knew that they had completely ignored the prospect of a family practically since that phone call from her doctor more than a month ago, and frankly, she hadn't thought anymore about the infertility treatments after everything that had happened. Her fingers twisted into his hair.] I'm sorry. I was-- I was just really scared, baby. Scared of failing you again, scared of something happening to me. Scared of something happening to...it.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

riddlethem
2014-10-22 06:50 am UTC (link)

[He bowed his head so she could have full range of his hair and closed his eyes. This was as close to a religious ritual they'd ever get. Something that always calmed him, something that made her connect to him. Another thread untangled and linked between the two of them. He sighed because she always caught him. She always fucking caught him. But, he never really did mind, did he?] It's okay. [And, she could feel that it was.] Let's not worry about it right now. We need to figure out our powers, figure out us and then we can worry about kids.

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Re: nashtons quicklog

forthem
2014-10-22 07:24 am UTC (link)

[Running her fingers through his hair always managed to soothe her in a way she couldn't explain. Maybe because it was one of those special connections between the two of them. She'd never done that with anyone else, and she doubted he ever let anyone else do it. Without thinking, she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his hairline. She smiled there for a moment, awash with his sense of calm, and she nodded. Pulling back, she looked down on him.] Yeah. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it all out.

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