InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I wear a fez now. "

stephanie nashton does it all (forthem) wrote in rooms,
@ 2014-10-19 23:07:00

Entry tags:

!tales, *journal, *log, barbara gordon, bruce wayne, damian wayne, death, eddie nigma, helena wayne, selina kyle, stephanie brown

selina k, bats & birds, muerte, eddie n
[All of this is handwritten in her messy, girlish hand.]

[locked to selina k.]

Meow.

[locked to batfam+]

Mandatory check-in. I'm living with a squat, old witch who insists on making me learn how to cook frog stew. Now your turn.

[locked to muerte.]

[She's not sure if this will go through, but she can't help but try. Pen press then eventually:] Hi.

[locked to eddie n.]

[She's been gone most of the day with Agnes. Eventually, midway through the afternoon he gets this locked to him.]

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	Re: Muerte / Stephanie soundofwings 2014-10-20 03:40 am UTC (link)
	Oh, I doubt you're the very last. [A pause of her own.] Thank you. I accept your apology. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 03:44 am UTC (link)
	Touche. Way to make yourself bigger than the universe, Steph. [...] I thought that was most important first. Especially since Eddie needs you right now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie soundofwings 2014-10-20 03:47 am UTC (link)
	Would it make you feel better to know that you're at least on the list? [It's a tease, but it may not translate completely on paper. After another (shorter) pause.] I got the feeling that Eddie needs a lot of things right now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 03:50 am UTC (link)
	I figure I've got to make at least the top 100, but then again that's my ego. [Pause.] He does. And I have no idea what any of it is, honestly. You're probably doing better, and I'm just failing him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 03:58 am UTC (link)

Not many other people deliver things to me that they know unravel my existence, so you've got that going for you. [...] You know, after everything last time I was here, I had a good run at not trying to hand out advice. But then the hotel has its way with me, and I'm back around all of you and trying to give it out again. So I have two questions for you. One: Have you asked? And two: Failing how?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

forthem
2014-10-20 04:06 am UTC (link)

I was a spiteful fucking girl, Muerte, and I can't even begin to take that back. I know I probably can't. [...] The hotel is a bitch that way. Believe me, I know it. Were you gone for very long? [...] I don't think he knows, and I'm failing at everything. Failing at our marriage, at being his support, at being understanding. I know he trusts you more than me. I can feel it. [...] I can't explain how, but I can literally feel his emotions. When I touch him and I concentrate, I can feel them. [Beat.] I know I'm not being enough, but I'm trying. I just [...] thought you'd have a better idea how to help him.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 06:01 am UTC (link)

Time passes, things change. I could threaten you the same way I threatened Eddie, but I think I'll leave it for now. [...] Yes, I was. [...] Trust is a very strange thing. I'm not sure how much is or isn't there. Or that it has to be any sort of contest. [...] I've learned that knowing something isn't the same as being told it. There's often an explanation that goes along with everything. [...] So you're getting caught up in what you should and shouldn't be and what is or isn't enough?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

forthem
2014-10-20 06:04 am UTC (link)

~~For now~~ Fair enough. [...] Do you miss where you went? [...] No, and I'm not making it a contest. I'm glad he has someone he can trust, and I think you're the perfect person to help him through all of this with his powers. But as his wife, I should be someone he can trust at all. I don't think he trusts me very much at all anymore. [...] He's explained very well how he thinks this marriage is a big old bomb. [...] I'm getting caught up on what he does and doesn't need.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 06:14 am UTC (link)

Oh, now that didn't sound like a very satisfied reply. [She's smiling a little, but sobers quickly.] Parts of it, I suppose. At times. In a way. [After a laugh at herself:] Wait, let me vague it up a little more. [...moving on.] With the obvious disclaimer that I've never been married, it seems like you need to figure out why he doesn't trust you, if that's the case, and then work through it. Don't assume you know, don't try to feel it from him. Talk and work it through if you feel you can. And you know he says shit when stuff is getting to him. Sometimes in the worst way possible. [...] and what about you?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

forthem
2014-10-20 06:43 am UTC (link)

No, I'm just saying that it'd be fair for you to do it. But I won't do that ever again anyway. [...] I think it's natural to miss it, especially coming back to this place. [And maybe she laughs a little at the joke, too. But then there's a pause.] But he hasn't said shit to me for months, and that's my fault. I know that. I built the wall, and he doesn't know if he can trust me not to do that again. So he finally says some things that are true, but that doesn't mean that we're okay. [...] What do you mean, what about me?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie soundofwings 2014-10-20 06:54 am UTC (link)
	[After all of that reply, there's a rather long pause. Bordering on too long. Finally:] Stephanie, how many people are in your relationship? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 07:06 am UTC (link)
	[A beat.] Two, technically. But we've been bad about dragging people into it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie soundofwings 2014-10-20 02:23 pm UTC (link)
	But there's two of you, yeah? So why are you trying to put everything on yourself? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 04:44 pm UTC (link)
	Because he put everything on himself for months. Because this is technically all on me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie soundofwings 2014-10-20 04:46 pm UTC (link)
	[Instant.] Bullshit. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 04:52 pm UTC (link)
	[Sigh.] I was the one who walled him off, and that's why he can't trust me anymore. You know that. You understand him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 05:02 pm UTC (link)

I understand that it's bullshit. You listen to me Stephanie Brown Nashton, and you at least get it into your head to think about later if you don't want to think about it now. There are two people in this relationship of yours. And every time you take everything on yourself like this, you negate his half of the relationship. I know he did the same thing, and that's not right either, and if you want me to give him this same rant, I will. But it's unhealthy and disrespectful of each other to keep going from one extreme to the other.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 05:10 pm UTC (link)
	~~But it is my fault~~ [A pause.] I just want to know how to fix this. I hate that I can't fix it right away. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 05:15 pm UTC (link)

[She can practically feel the words in the pause, but she lets them be. For now.] You can hate it all you want, but if being with him is worth having, it's worth taking the time to work on. Nothing is perfect, if you want more cliches tossed at you. If you're aiming for some perfect ideal, then you're going to fail. If you're aiming for something else, something realistic but still good, then you maybe have a chance at it. For all your other hardships (not that I'm negating those), you've had it relatively easy with each other, so now you need to figure out if you can do it when it doesn't come so easily.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

forthem
2014-10-20 06:15 pm UTC (link)

All I want is something good. All I want is to have the man I fell in love with back. The man who I wanted to marry back. And I know he feels the same way about me. He told me so. He told me I'm not the woman he fell in love with anymore. [A pause, shaky breaths on her side of the journal, and part of her know Muerte's right.] I just want him. And whatever comes with that.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 06:24 pm UTC (link)

You can have something good, Stephanie. You already have so much that is. As for having that man back, the Eddie-that-was, you might try to change your perspective. He isn't that same man, just like you aren't that girl. If you truly want him, and if he truly wants you, you're both going to have to do it as the people you are now, and not pine for the people you once were. If you're looking for those people you were when you met, then you'll find nothing but trouble, because those people have changed. And you have to be aware that the changes might not be ones you like.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 06:55 pm UTC (link)
	[A long, pen-press of a pause.] Thank you, Muerte. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie soundofwings 2014-10-20 06:59 pm UTC (link)
	[A pause of her own, and then.] Nope, tell me what you're thanking me for before I accept it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Muerte / Stephanie forthem 2014-10-20 07:04 pm UTC (link)
	[A beat.] I know you're right. Fundamentally I know you're right. But I just can't help but blame myself for everything, you know. I can't help but feel like this is my fault. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Muerte / Stephanie

soundofwings
2014-10-20 07:13 pm UTC (link)

[A pause of her own, and maybe her writing doesn't appear quite as quickly, not quite as sharp. Almost gentler, if handwriting can be such a thing.] I know you do. And I know a lot of people would do the same thing and feel the same way. But it's a poisonous feeling, Stephanie, and it's doing neither of you any good. I can see it, the way each of you want to take on everything at one time or another. But it doesn't work that way. It's like trying to balance a skyscraper on a single support, and no one person has that ability. Plus some harsher stuff I could probably say too, but let's stick with this. It makes me sound like less of a bitch.

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Re: Muerte / Stephanie -

forthem, 2014-10-20 07:34 pm UTC

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soundofwings, 2014-10-20 07:39 pm UTC

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forthem, 2014-10-20 07:48 pm UTC

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soundofwings, 2014-10-20 07:54 pm UTC

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forthem, 2014-10-20 08:16 pm UTC

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