InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "...that place was me."

Fred Weasley (fredulous) wrote in inthetardisic,
@ 2023-03-23 12:00:00

Entry tags:

!network post, -player: jay, -player: jenjen, -player: laurel, -player: maggie, -player: myriam, -plot: mars vegas, dc: delirium of the endless, dc: dream of the endless, grishaverse: inej ghafa, grishaverse: kaz brekker, grishaverse: nina zenik, the vampire diaries: davina claire, wynonna earp: wynonna earp, ~inactive: fred weasley, ~inactive: george weasley, ~inactive: nancy wheeler (2)

This planet never sleeps and neither do I.

I don't care what time it is. Who wants to join me? We can do whatever.
Naked women dancing? Yes.
Hire sex workers? Yes.
Gamble all this real but fake money? Yes.
Try martian drugs? Yes.
Get married on accident? Why not.

Let's go, before the TARDIS sweeps us away and we're left with nothing but our feelings again.

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Inej

schemingface
2023-03-26 04:56 am UTC (link)

Shame. All I feel is fear and shame.

No, you're not. Someone as wounded as we've been at our worst, wouldn't be able to do what we've managed to accomplish together, Inej. You can take away the acts if you want to, but you can't take away that we managed it. You can't take away how relieved and proud you were to be able to manage it.

Would you accept that from me on the nights it's best you stay in the hammock? The nights when my own skin is too difficult to stomach?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kaz captainghafa 2023-03-26 05:13 am UTC (link)
	Why shame? You’re right. ~~And it’s been so good~~ I wouldn’t. But you can’t pretend that you don’t feel just as disappointed in yourself when it happens as I do now. That you’re not angry with yourself for “allowing” it to happen. As though we have any choice in the matter. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Inej schemingface 2023-03-26 05:17 am UTC (link)
	That's shame. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kaz captainghafa 2023-03-26 05:25 am UTC (link)
	I see it now. I hate everything about it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Inej schemingface 2023-03-26 05:38 am UTC (link)
	That's what makes it so effective a lever. Was it the wording or the idea? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Kaz

captainghafa
2023-03-26 02:18 pm UTC (link)

I don’t know.

Yours weren’t the only eyes I felt on me as I walked through the casino, but it was fine. Gratifying, even.
You can tell me I’m beautiful all day without a problem.
So could she. It would be more difficult from Jesper, but it could be fine if I knew to expect it. Like if I were wearing that dress.

It’s the scrutiny inherent in the comparison. As though I might’ve been lined up naked with dozens of other women, and chosen.

It was because of my own words. I wanted to tease her, or needle her, or maybe - make her feel guilty for enjoying the “entertainment”. But in doing that, I placed myself back in line with the others. What else was she to say? Of course she said she would choose me. She can’t know what it sounds like to me, not really.

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Inej

schemingface
2023-03-27 01:23 am UTC (link)

All day without a problem until a day when it is. I won't want your apologies then either.

Does it help at all to know that her "entertainment" options on the strip are all above board? They are all adults choosing this work for themselves. They are all adults who can choose not to do the work at any time without consequence to anything other than their pockets.

There are seedier places here, I won't pretend that I haven't learned of them, but not on the strip.

You can't control how you feel about it, but perhaps more information will help how you think about it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Kaz

captainghafa
2023-03-27 01:51 am UTC (link)

If I had thought they were indentures, I wouldn't have been ~~wasting my time~~ interested in a job robbing the casino.

I'm not pulled into current shackles and between current walls: I'm being pulled in by memories, by the past. I'm not joining a current line of women to choose from, it's all the old ones.

I know I'm not explaining myself well. It's hard to put into words, even in Suli.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Inej schemingface 2023-03-27 02:21 am UTC (link)
	I did not think they were current. I was thinking that if Nina's choice in entertainment hurt you then perhaps you were thinking of said entertainment as forced. If that is not it, then it is not it. You don't need to explain yourself unless you want to. It's not for me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Kaz captainghafa 2023-03-27 06:09 pm UTC (link)
	I don’t know how to do it any better. After this, I’m going to take a very long and very warm soak in the bath. Maybe with bubbles. And strawberries. Maybe it will help me find my body again. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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