InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "It's a heartache every moment."

daisy johnson is (neveragoodfit) wrote in welcomenetwork,
@ 2016-05-20 16:54:00

Entry tags:

daisy johnson / quake (mcu), grant ward, kara lynn palamas / agent 33, leo fitz, sterling archer

Avoiding the internet is not exactly easy. And there's a part of me that's curious to find out what is going on back home, only a small part but it's there. I'm just glad that the show isn't on the air anymore so I don't have to worry about getting it thrown in my face without warning during commercials.

[Filtered to Archer]
We need a date night, just the two of us.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-22 09:19 pm UTC (link)
	I love you, too, Daz. Do you need to talk about it, or would you rather not think about it? Whichever. Just tell me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-22 09:23 pm UTC (link)
	~~I don't deserve you.~~ I don't really want to think about it, but talking about it with you might help. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-22 09:24 pm UTC (link)
	So lay it out for me. And we can figure out a distraction later, once it's all out in the open. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-22 09:30 pm UTC (link)
	I don't even know where to begin. It's just... I'm a mess. I know I am. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-22 09:37 pm UTC (link)
	We're all a mess, Daz. To varying degrees. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-22 09:41 pm UTC (link)
	I know but every time I think things are starting to go right something happens to try and take it away from me. I thought that was just back home but its true here too. I mean just look at the past couple of weeks. We came back from our little vacation, you asked me to move in with you and the next thing we know Lana and Kara show up and I fall apart. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-22 09:47 pm UTC (link)
	You've had a history you'd rather forget shoved back in your face and a complication that neither of us were expecting added to the mix. I mean, I know you're going to like Lana the second it stops being awkward. But it's still awkward now. So it makes sense that you've got to fall apart. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

neveragoodfit
2016-05-22 10:02 pm UTC (link)

Sometimes I wish I could forget it all and just focus on this, what we have but I can't. And I want to like Lana but you're right, it's awkward. She knows you so much better than I do and it's hard. And she's AJ's mother. I can't compete with that.

And talking to Kara. We're actually being civil and of course we ended up discussing him. I pretend like I'm okay but it's a lie, it still hurts. Not like it used to and I don't love him, I don't but the pain is still there. I thought it was gone but I was just lying to myself.

I'm sorry. You deserve someone better than me.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

ihadsomething
2016-05-22 10:29 pm UTC (link)

You're just as much of a presence in AJ's life, Daz. More so, really. She's known you for months. She's only known Lana personally for a few weeks. She loves you.

Betrayal lingers, especially when it comes from someone that you cared about. It's not really something you just get over. Not when it cuts that deep.

I probably shouldn't laugh at that, but I'm laughing at that. Daz. I'm a trainwreck. I'm one blackout drunk night away from everything unraveling.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

neveragoodfit
2016-05-22 10:52 pm UTC (link)

But I'm not her mother, nothing can ever compete with that, nothing replaces that. Not that I want to replace Lana in AJ's life. But I love her to pieces, she's not mine but I'd do anything for her.

Not many people understand that. It's why I never talked about it with anyone, they wouldn't have seen it that way. Or maybe they would, I don't know.

You're not, not here anyway. And that won't happen, nothing is going to unravel. Well no more than it already has, at least I hope it won't. I don't think I could take it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

ihadsomething
2016-05-22 11:06 pm UTC (link)

And that's enough, Daz. It really is. You're... there. That makes a world of difference, beyond just labels. Trust me. As someone who's mother was MIA 90% of the time, it makes a difference.

I've been dicked over plenty in my life, Daz. I know what it's like to trust someone wholeheartedly and have them more than disappoint you. You don't just forget about that. You try not to think about it. But you don't forget.

I'm going to try and keep it together.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

neveragoodfit
2016-05-22 11:22 pm UTC (link)

Her mother is here now and Lana doesn't strike me as someone who is going to be absent from her own daughter's life. I didn't know my own mother for the first 26 years of my life but as soon as she was there I wanted to know her and have her in my life, right up until she almost killed me.

No one ever hurt me like that before. I never trusted someone that much because people never stuck around and I thought... I thought he would but it was all a lie. I don't think it's ever going to stop hurting. I don't know how to get it to stop other than drinking.

I'm sorry if I make it harder for you to keep it together.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-22 11:27 pm UTC (link)
	But did her being there then make your relationships with the other people who supported you less important? AJ loves you, Daz. And she can have more than just Lana. That's usually my go to. You're not. Okay? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

neveragoodfit
2016-05-22 11:34 pm UTC (link)

No it didn't but it messed things up for a while. And I love her, so much. I just worry she won't want me as much as she wants Lana once she knows her properly.

One of the things we have in common. Don't forget we did sort of drink ourselves into oblivion that first night we went out.

Okay. I'm sorry for putting you through all this. You've been nothing but supportive and I don't know what I'd do without you.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-22 11:46 pm UTC (link)
	AJ's got enough love in her heart for all of us, Daz. You're one of her favorite people. That's not going to change once she gets to know Lana. That was fun drinking. Not drink to forget drinking. But I'm sure we could get equally as plastered trying to forget things. I just want you happy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-22 11:52 pm UTC (link)
	But I'm not her mother. I know she loves me and that won't change but it won't be me she wants to read her bedtime story to her soon, it'll be Lana or you, her parents. That was very fun drinking. If I tried to drink to forget things it would go very badly. You make me happy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

ihadsomething
2016-05-23 12:03 am UTC (link)

Daisy. She's still going to want you to read her stories. She's still going to want your help picking out an outfit or doing her hair. She's still going to want to show you her drawings and snuggle with you when we're watching movies together. None of that is going to change just because Lana's here now.

You are her family. You're our family. Nothing's going to change that.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer.

neveragoodfit
2016-05-23 12:14 am UTC (link)

But they'll be times when she wants Lana and instead of me because Lana is her mother. It's inevitable, I know it is so I'm just trying to prepare myself for that. I know she'll still want my help and she'll still want to do all the things we do now but she's going to want Lana too and that's okay, she's allowed to want her mother. It just hurts because I'd gotten used to being the one she turned to for help doing girly things.

I'm sorry, I don't know what brought this on. The other stuff sure but this. I guess I didn't realize I thought of us as a family until just now. But we're not or rather I'm not. I mean I'm your girlfriend but AJ isn't mine, not really. I'm not really anything to her other than a substitute for her mother but now she doesn't need a substitute because she has the real thing.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-23 12:24 am UTC (link)
	Daz. You're more than a substitute. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-23 12:27 am UTC (link)
	Maybe but I'm not her mother. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-23 12:51 am UTC (link)
	You're practically her step-mother. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-23 01:00 am UTC (link)
	Umm, Archer. You do know what that would actually mean, right? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-23 01:05 am UTC (link)
	Well. Yeah. I mean. I do. Know it, that is. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. neveragoodfit 2016-05-23 01:11 am UTC (link)
	Okay. You didn't mean that though, did you? I mean, I'm not and we're not. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Archer. ihadsomething 2016-05-23 01:19 am UTC (link)
	I know that, but why wouldn't I mean it? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Daisy | Archer. -

neveragoodfit, 2016-05-23 01:22 am UTC

Daisy | Archer. -

ihadsomething, 2016-05-23 01:27 am UTC

Daisy | Archer. -

neveragoodfit, 2016-05-23 01:32 am UTC

Daisy | Archer. -

ihadsomething, 2016-05-23 01:36 am UTC

Daisy | Archer. -

neveragoodfit, 2016-05-23 01:40 am UTC

Daisy | Archer. -

ihadsomething, 2016-05-23 01:41 am UTC

Daisy | Archer. -

neveragoodfit, 2016-05-23 01:46 am UTC

(Read comments) -