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Tweak says, "what's this, a missile launch?"

Castiel is a better weapon (ofthursdays) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2013-03-25 20:11:00

Entry tags:

castiel, ruby winchester

Who: Castiel and Ruby
What: A super awkward car ride
Where: In Ruby's car
When: After Piffy's party
Rating: S for Super Awkward and Snark

Castiel had had a very harrowing day, so much so he was willing to accept a ride from Ruby when it came down to it thought it had ended with some good news among the confusion; he may get to keep his island. He hadn't meant to become so dependent on it but it was the only place, the only way, he had felt true peace, in that place, sand between his toes, water rushing over his feet. He had danced, there, alone on the beach where only the birds could see. No one knew. No one could say anything about it because it was just his and the thought that he could lose it had all but ruined the party for him in ways the confusion never could have but Peter had come through and given him hope and, so, as he stood outside the club with his hand brushing the back of his head self-consciously, he could breathe.

Ruby was not the quarter he expected help from. He knew one of his predecessors befriended her but he couldn't imagine that trust. In the end he felt threatened by her because she was, in effect, his replacement. She had taken on the role he once filled as the powered being in the Winchester corner, the one they trusted, the one they relied on. She was a reminder he was no longer needed as he had been and that he didn't really know how he fit anymore. He hoped learning to hunt would, at least, bridge that gap a little.

He even new it wasn't really this Ruby's fault but that didn't change the association or the feeling he was outside of something that meant more to him than anything else he'd experienced for a long time. Something he'd never intended to stay to watch. He was meant to be in Heaven, or he was meant to be dead, but limbo? This strange in between? What was his place? he wondered as he waited for Ruby to collect him, leaning against the wall in the dark in his ill-fitting clothes trying not to think too much about what he had just sat through and how it had made him feel. He decided he needed a shower as soon as he return to his neglected apartment.

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frostandsnow
2013-04-04 09:56 am UTC (link)

This was strange, feeling like she understood the former angel and why exactly he had been feeling so down as he was. It was simple really when it came down to it. He didn’t know how to be anything other than he had been and now he was stuck with that, trapped with new feelings, new emotions and confused to the point he was actually seeming grateful to her for her help.

“You needed someone to come and I figure I have a different view on it than they do. I know how it feels to be different. Not human.” She actually hadn’t done it for his trust or friendship. It was Cas and he’d needed someone to help him out and that was all it had been. She did see his point though about having been through too much with the Winchesters for it to be anything close to the same.

“Its gonna take time you know. I’m not sure if you’re trying to run before you can walk here, so think about things. Take it slow. Work through it all bit by bit and you’ll figure things out. It doesn’t just happen overnight you know, working them out, figuring out your place in all this crazy. It takes time.” And she knew that better than most. She might have known how to play humanity like a fiddle but for so long she had no idea how to interact with them beyond that. “You know, I still look for the catch? Someone does something nice for me, for Emily? I still wonder why. I get paranoid, try and figure out just how they’ll screw me over. Cause in my world, that’s always true. There’s always an agenda. With them though, that’s not always the case.”

She pulled the car to a stop outside the complex finally and leaned back in her seat. “You don’t have to enjoy what they do either you do know that. Not everyone enjoys the same things. You like this island place, so that’s a start. Think about why you like it, what is it that appeals to you? Why do you go there? You have to find the balance they do, between what they have to do and what they want to do. That’s how I’ve found it anyway.”

Why. Gods, why was she talking to Castiel about… Actually maybe it was better coming from her. She didn’t have a lot of the hang ups she’d found around the humans.

“It has a lot of power, sex I mean. It was basically what I used against Sam. That and the blood obviously. Its not like, vital or anything but a lot of humans like it, in its various forms. But you don’t just do it because everyone else is. You find someone you’re attracted to. Someone you wouldn’t mind having for company at night? I’m not gonna ask who, but if there’s someone that you feel like that about, think about it maybe?

She sat up a little, head tilting toward the angel, really hoping she was wrong about her next question. She was not explaining biology.

“You do know how it works, right? Mechanically. With the various…methods employable?”

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ofthursdays
2013-04-04 12:22 pm UTC (link)

Ruby knew part of it, the separation, the struggle to fit in, but she didn't know what it was to fall from Heaven, to lose her power, to lose the certainty it was right, all was right. No one there possibly could know what it was to lose Heaven's Grace, even Ruby though she seemed willing to try. He tried not to focus on how singular his situation was but that wasn't an easy task. For Ruby it had been a rise. Sam knew how to talk to her. No one held back any more. She had said it had been hard at first and he expected it was but it had also been different. Like nothing either of them knew before but he didn't see how he could ever rise as she had when they centre of his universe was lost to him twice over.

"Time. Yes. I know but is that all? You had more than time. You didn't say your happiness came from time. It came from them acting for you. I... am so far from where I was. I don't think time can give it back to me on its own. Time only destroys, wears away. It doesn't create without help." He yawned, didn't bother to cover his mouth. He still needed to see Much but all he wanted to do was sleep.

"They won't... screw you over," Cas said. But he couldn't say they would never cause pain. "They will defend you. They would give their lives for you now," he said softly. "There is no need for paranoia. Any agenda will be uncovered and dealt with."

He didn't want to talk about sex but he needed to know about it since it kept coming up. He was grateful she didn't make a deal about it. "I should give someone else that power over me?" he looked doubtful. He didn't like to think about her using that against Sam. That had been a troubling time. Sex, like humanity so far, held little appeal to him.

He looked out the windshield as he answered her. "I would take any company at night," he said softly. "I stayed with Much, it was good. I would like to see Dean and Sam too. Juliet. Peter. But... I know they are busy at night. There isn't anyone else I think about at night. Only them." He didn't think about sex. He thought about words. He thought about comfort and certainty. Thought about death too. He thought about protecting them in that way but he didn't mention that. Sometimes, when the night was especially long, he thought of being protected.

"I.... am aware. Roughly," he said.

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frostandsnow
2013-04-05 09:55 am UTC (link)

He had a point really, she had more than time, she had people willing to give her a chance, trust that had taken a while to build and she’d had Sam, who had always and probably would always be there to fight her corner for her. It meant more than she could ever put into words to have him with her. What he’d said though, about time destroying, she wasn’t sure she agreed. “Time does a lot you know, No it doesn’t fix everything or heal all wounds or whatever but it can make things easier. I’m never gonna make up for all I did Cas, its not possible, but time lets me try at least. Its something isn’t it?”

The yawn threw her, human as she knew he was, the fact he did human things like yawning still was occasionally jarring. The fact he was being kind to her was more familiar but not with this Cas. It all left her feeling mostly disconcerted.

“You say that though, and I know you’re right, but the feelings don’t go away easy. Something like that, it doesn’t just go away because you know in your head it’s logical and sensible. Sometimes you just can’t change it.” Paranoia, she’d always had, always felt, in hell it was healthy, sensible to be paranoid. Up here though, less so.

And still, on so many levels this conversation was going weird places, weird, weird places involving sex and the reasons for it.

“It can be used as a powerplay yeah, but it can mean so much more than that, or it can mean nothing at all beyond desire. It’s closeness, it’s comfort if you want to take it like that but, okay, those people you think about, do you ever think that you’d like to be closer to any of them. Like I am with Sam or Dean and Juliet or Peter and Andrew. Does it ever bother you that you don’t have it?”

Roughly. Roughly aware.

Nope. Not even touching that. He knew the basics and that would do. Unless he wanted more explained. And Team Good now or not, she was still a demon and part of her really, really wanted to explain kinks to the angel.

“Good, that’s good. But also, y’know if it doesn’t appeal to you that’s okay too, I think sometimes people forget that not everyone needs or wants it. You can have closeness without any of that. Or you can have that without love being involved. Welcome to humanity Cas, mostly they’re confusing.”

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ofthursdays
2013-04-05 07:55 pm UTC (link)

"Time has yet to make things easier," he said tightly. "It isn't time that gives you your chance. It's them. They allow it. Time won't win this war either. Action will. Decisions. Sacrifice. Time... is only a opportunity to act.". Time, human time, was new to Castiel and he had little regard for it's healing power. So recently he had held dominion over time. Now it stretched before him in endless hours. They were, at least, useful now he was so much slower.

"No. You can't change it. Even if it's logical," he agreed. "Nor can you always act even if it is.". He yawned again, tired enough to concede the point. To Cas is was less about being kind to her, more about need and supply but it was a start.

"I will have to take your word for that.". He liked the idea of comfort but comfort was transient too. It's appeal was limited but his need for it was persistsant. At times he ignored it. At others... he fell into whatever g-rated distraction he could find. "You're asking me if I want sex with them? I... don't know. I don't think I want sex with anyone. I would like company at night." Too quiet. Too still. Too much time to think. Castiel was not a fan of the small hours. "I... see you all talk to each other... to share the weight... I can't say there is no appeal in it. But I can't be with any of them. They are with others. You can only be with someone who has not been chosen and who wishes to choose you," he said sagely even though he barely understood what he even meant by "with".

"Sometimes I think about it but... I don't know what to think about it. It's better to focus on the fight." He looked at the steering wheel. It was a bigger question than he could fully answer. He still felt he needed to fight more than he needed to take for himself. He was, deep down, afraid to let that balance change. Afraid of what it could do to his effectiveness and the outcome.

Yet he heard the same message over and over. 'Have more of you'll go crazy. Have more of you won't fight as well.' It was not what he was used to hearing or wanting.

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frostandsnow
2013-04-06 09:44 pm UTC (link)

Of course he didn’t get her point, why would he? No reason to. “ Cas, I’ve been alive for centuries, more if you count, y’know...hell. But even what I think of time, its got to be nothing to do. But it means more up here than you probably can realise just yet. Humans, well they don’t have long. This, with me and Sam, even if we both survive this, we’ve got decades, maybe 50 years if we’re lucky. Then I lose him. So time actually means, kinda a lot. The rest do too; don’t get me wrong but it works together. It has to, don’t you see?”

Oh. Oh that was all he wanted? Someone with him at night, someone to talk to? Funny the things she didn’t think of now she actually bothered to pass time normally. “You...do know you probably should sleep now you’re human. You can get ill that way. They...you...need sleep.” In no way did she want to be mothering the millennia older than her former celestial but if he keeled over on her it’d probably look fairly suspicious.

“As for company though, you can have it, you just have to ask for it, for someone to talk to. I can’t imagine people will mind. You share the weight. You talk, you listen when they talk. Or do you think I only talk to Sam? You can talk to people and share company without the sex. Even at night. It isn’t just sex you know.” No, no she wouldn’t laugh at just how innocent the all powerful being could be, it wasn’t his fault, he just wasn’t used to life or anything it had to offer just yet. “How are you defining ‘with’ and who the hell sold you that load of crap. You can be ‘with’ whoever you want. You don’t need to have sex to share company, like I said. Also there’s a whole world of polygamous fun that some people are into, but y’know what, no...conversation for another time.”

He was just so damn innocent, every instinct she still had screamed at her to use it somehow, play it so what she wanted came out on top. But he was her friend, even if he didn’t know it, more than that, he was important to Sam. And he really just needed to think for once about what he wanted. She wasn’t sure if he ever had. If anyone had ever told him how.

“If you only focus on the fight you’ll lose your reasons. If it’s all you are, then what are you fighting for? Or do you expect not to come out of this. Is that it? Do you think you’ll get to die heroically and go back upstairs where you can be forgiven all your sins and have a whole other kind of life everlasting?”

Maybe asking that was crossing a line, she didn’t know, either way it was being asked.

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ofthursdays
2013-04-07 12:10 am UTC (link)

"I am aware their time here is brief," he said. "But I don't think that is relevant to my point. Time is hardly on my side now. Or on theirs. You... speak of the loss time will bring yet you tell me it is a healing agent. I don't see time alone bringing much ease."

Castiel wanted a great deal more than company but he didn't yet want what most people wanted. He wanted certainty. He still missed the surety of orders. He wanted to feel a part of the right side, a force for good. He wanted to knew he wasn't wasting his time but it was all for something. Under those conditions difficult things became bearable but he knew if he talked of those needs he would likely be contradicted. Humans, in his experience, didn't seem to like that dependance and so he stayed quiet on it. Castiel had left it only because he didn't agree with his orders, not because he had been ordered and he no longer wished to be. Small comforts, then, were next on his list because they did make things easier and no one resisted his desire for them. No one argued and he'd even received encouragement. He liked encouragement. He liked to know his friends approved of something he was doing. It make him feel included. The right company did make it easier to forget the constraints of time in those moments.

"I have friends. We share company. Not sex. They are good company but they also have other people. Their people. I know that being a couple means your person comes first. The one you have sex with is usually the one who can ask the most. When they ask for time it is never denied. They are never too busy... are they? Does Sam get to busy for you?" Castiel had patches of information on this, observances, television shows, that sold their own ideals about couples. He didn't know which were the rude questions Polygamy had not been touched on. "I... don't know if they are polygamous. I can ask."

Castiel found himself shaking his head again. "People keep saying that. They think I fight so hard because the fight is all that matters to me. I don't know why they think that. Do people only fight hard just to fight?" His voice went soft them. "Honestly? No. I don't expect to come out of this. It was never my aim, just to survive. This is too important. It has to be done. I... want it done. But I know why I fight. I know they won't forgive me for this."

His irritation at the question was there but it was slight. He didn't really expect a demon to think much better of him.

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