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Castiel is a better weapon ([info]ofthursdays) wrote in [info]wariscoming,
@ 2013-03-25 20:11:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:castiel, ruby winchester

Who: Castiel and Ruby
What: A super awkward car ride
Where: In Ruby's car
When: After Piffy's party
Rating: S for Super Awkward and Snark



Castiel had had a very harrowing day, so much so he was willing to accept a ride from Ruby when it came down to it thought it had ended with some good news among the confusion; he may get to keep his island. He hadn't meant to become so dependent on it but it was the only place, the only way, he had felt true peace, in that place, sand between his toes, water rushing over his feet. He had danced, there, alone on the beach where only the birds could see. No one knew. No one could say anything about it because it was just his and the thought that he could lose it had all but ruined the party for him in ways the confusion never could have but Peter had come through and given him hope and, so, as he stood outside the club with his hand brushing the back of his head self-consciously, he could breathe.

Ruby was not the quarter he expected help from. He knew one of his predecessors befriended her but he couldn't imagine that trust. In the end he felt threatened by her because she was, in effect, his replacement. She had taken on the role he once filled as the powered being in the Winchester corner, the one they trusted, the one they relied on. She was a reminder he was no longer needed as he had been and that he didn't really know how he fit anymore. He hoped learning to hunt would, at least, bridge that gap a little.

He even new it wasn't really this Ruby's fault but that didn't change the association or the feeling he was outside of something that meant more to him than anything else he'd experienced for a long time. Something he'd never intended to stay to watch. He was meant to be in Heaven, or he was meant to be dead, but limbo? This strange in between? What was his place? he wondered as he waited for Ruby to collect him, leaning against the wall in the dark in his ill-fitting clothes trying not to think too much about what he had just sat through and how it had made him feel. He decided he needed a shower as soon as he return to his neglected apartment.


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[info]frostandsnow
2013-03-25 12:44 pm UTC (link)
Okay so yes it was ten shades of crazy that she’d agreed to go meet the angel and get him away from the ridiculous strip club he’d wound up in. She didn’t know if it had been a game, introduce the angel to the strippers. It was something Dean would have done, something she probably would have done once but she didn’t know now, Cas had gotten to her a long time ago and she wanted to keep that innocence alive as much as she could. Maybe it was stupid. It was definitely something Crowley would mock her for, but there it was all the same.

She'd seen him struggling and she'd reached out. Simple enough thing, getting a raised eyebrow from Sam as she handed him Emily's baby monitor and headed out to her car to drive across the city to rescue a stranded former Celestial that likely would have killed her on the spot long ago if he'd had his grace.

She spotted him quickly enough, he stood out amongst the usual clientelle of course and it wasn't just the clothes. He looked out of place. Like he didn't belong and it seemed that was a lot of the problem with Cas lately. Sam had told her about the police thing, and simply put it had been Jules not thinking. How was he supposed to just jump into the training when he didn't know the world. It could be a goal eventually sure, but unlike demons, the angels had never bothered to get to know their father's creation. Never bothered to care beyond keeping it safe from hell when finally they revealed themselves in the fight.

She beeped the horn and pushed the passanger door open as she pulled the car to a stop.

"Cas, over here" she called and sat back, wondering how inappropriate Highway to Hell would be on her CD player just now.

Possibly luckily for the conversation ahead she erred on the side of 'very'.

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-03-25 01:13 pm UTC (link)
Maybe it was foolish to get into the car but a large part of Cas didn't think it was worth being careful of himself. There were people he'd give everything to protect but he wasn't one of them. He had no fear for his life as he slid into the front passenger seat. She would do what she would do. He didn't have the power, or the care, to fight back if she chose to strike.

He didn't speak at first. He didn't know what to say. Almost everything about the situation seemed too big, the solution eluding him. Over the last week even his friends has been unable to bring him much ease. Only the island, where he could pretend things were nothing like how they were. There was still salt in his hair but it felt an age since he'd seen the sea. Cas wasn't so concerned about holding onto his innocence as he was about finding peace. For him. For them, though he doubted they needed him for that.

He sat in silence, thinking through his feelings. He eventually settled on a softly spoken, "You don't have to do this."

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-03-25 07:11 pm UTC (link)
He wasn't like she remembered, he'd always had the grace when she'd known him though so maybe this was the steady decline into the Cas he'd been in the future. Broken, hopeless. She wondered if this was how it had started for him. But he'd gotten in the car at least which was something. Part of her had imagined he wouldn't out of some remembered pride. He seemed to have weighed up the pros and cons and come down, grudgingly, on the side of accepting the ride.

"No, I don't have to do this. But I'm doing it all the same cause you don't want to be in a place like this. I could tell a mile off, and you did your bit, you went to the party, you saw your friends, but then you needed out, right?"

She'd probably wind up confusing him more by being sensible about this but there it was all the same.

"You still don't get me, do you? Or you don't buy it and you're waiting for the punchline. People keep telling you how different I am and all you can see is who I was, and why not, that me, the old me, was all you ever knew. But this place, being here for as long as I was, it tends to get under your skin. You'll figure that one out soon enough if you haven't already. I'm not doing this to score points or anything. I swear. I'm just trying to help you out."

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-03-25 08:04 pm UTC (link)
Cas wasn't sure if he got it, only that he found he wasn't sure he wanted to get it. He wasn't sure he was ready to let go of his resentment. It was his, after all. Anger could be a useful tool. It could prop you up. It could keep things at arms length. It could make you feel you were right when you really were anything but.

But it wasn't as simple as mistrust. Castiel trusted himself almost as little as he trusted her to get it right. "I don't see you as you were," he said as if speaking was a great effort. "I... see you as I was.". He sat still in his seat, didn't squirm or fidget. He felt tired but his mind was running, turning everything over as he left his words for her to take in.

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-03-26 12:24 pm UTC (link)
He saw her as he was? Okay that made not a bit of sense and she couldn't help it, she laughed, incredulously trying to figure out where he'd gotten that one from. "As you were? Are you drunk, did you get drunk? Because demon? About as far from what you were as you can actually get. You were an angel, you were the good guys, y'know in theory, you were there to help them, you pulled Dean out of the pit and you tried to keep Sam safe from me and everyone like me? I don't get how you're seeing me as you were."

It made so little sense to the demon and she wondered what could have brought him to a conclusion like that.

"Its alright if you hate me you know, you're sort of geneticly programmed to hate me and all I stand for. Or stood for at least, I'm not gonna push for a friendship if that's too much. Just that we can be, I guess, on a level where we can deal with each other being around. Cause I'm gonna hazard a guess that neither of us are going anywhere any time soon?"

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-03-26 12:47 pm UTC (link)
He didn't think she'd get it from that. He didn't expect anyone to see it but he couldn't miss it. He didn't react to her laughter except to press on, staring out into the night as he spoke. "That was the past. Here... you are the one they trust. You are the one who can protect them, who can pull them from... whatever threat comes. You are the one who is close to them. I did those things but that is done. I... will make my small contribution." Learn to hunt, learn to fight, talk on or the one or two subjects Sam seemed determined to limit him to. Watch Dean move on in all the ways Cas hoped he would have the chance to, all the ways he was never meant to be around to see. His gaze never left the dark beyond the glass.

"I don't know where I am going or when but you are theirs now," he shrugged. "What I think of it has no meaning to them. If I had a desire to change anything, I can't. They don't want you to go anywhere. I can't deny them." His jaw was tight, his fingers gripped the edge of the seat but he was far more resigned than angry.

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-03-27 08:49 pm UTC (link)
He thought she'd replaced him? Of all the things Ruby could have thought of in relation to what had him upset it was so far from that one. How could she have replaced him. Of all people the demon that had once been so happily working against them Yeah sure Sam had pulled her back from the brink, made her who she was now, but that didn't mean she should be to them what Cas was.

"Cas I'm not that, not the replacement for you. They trust me because I worked at it every day for so damn long. I still work at it because of where I came from. You though, you pulled Dean out of hell, you did so much for them that I can't even begin to understand and in your world you did more besides. You helped them stop me, and who knows what else. Look, I can't make you believe me but you matter, you matter so damn much and I just want you to see that."

He called her theirs now, it made no sense to her, none of it. "Your opinion means more to them than you know. Thing is when its about me, you don't know me. Not the me I've become in the last few years. And it wasn't easy. I didn't just wake up one day good. There were hard times where Sam really thought there was no point, times I hated him for trying to love me. Times it got messed up beyond measure, there was the blood, there was so so much around all that that got wrong and if I'd been anyone else I'd have asked for help, a better way to fix it. But no, I knew I could do it. I knew the best way, I was so so wrong. I'm still not human, I'm still not 'good' and I still make way too many mistakes, but I'm learning. That's what you need to think about doing too, But lemme tell you something, during those times, the harder times, you were a friend to me, and no, you're not him. I don't want you to be him. I want you just to be you. Figure out who that is and what you want because he has to be what's most important now."

Ruby sighed, as the car turned into another street.

"How about you tell me, outright, what is it you want from life? Whats most important to you?"

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-03-28 09:28 am UTC (link)
Castiel listened. He listened because she had their ear. He listened because he was as hungry for answers as he'd ever been, hungry for change too but he lowered his head at her answer and shook it slowly. "I pulled Dean out of Hell because I was ordered to. After that... yes. I did what I could for them. After a time I... my focus changed. I worked to gain their trust as you did. It took a long time for Dean to trust me. I tried to help them stop you but I failed at that but none of that is my point." He rested his head on the cool glass of the window. "When the witch came there was nothing I could do. I could only sit and wait and bring coffee while they suffered, while they lost the few things they had built for themselves. If I bought them that and can't help then keep it then either I am useless now or it would have been for nothing."

He shook his head at the idea he was favoured above her too. "To me they say 'go and find a life' to you they said 'come and have a life'. Sam doesn't understand why I want to fight. I... thought it was apparent. If they see what I did in the way you say they wouldn't need to ask."

It was difficult for Cas to put into thought what he was feeling, let alone words. He had lost the centre of his universe, his faith in God, his home, his family and made two humans the centre of it instead. It was only meant to be for a while. He would do what he had to do to preserve humanity and, if he survived, he would seek out his Father. He would go home again, restore his universe to how it was meant to be. He would leave them to live out their lives in peace. It had been his plan. Only here he was trapped outside of Heaven and alongside his humans who were nudging him to stand on his own. Only on his own was scary and lonely and quiet and unclear.

"I want to see them safe," he started. "I want Lucifer stopped. They think it's not enough. They think I will be a machine but what else should I want? Sex, to marry, to procreate? They speak of some reward I deserve, for what? Killing my brothers? Turning my back on Heaven? No. This... is meant to be hard. This... isn't where I'm meant to be." He bit his lip. He didn't like how it felt for everything to rush to the surface. The thing he most wanted, if he could have anything, was a word from his Father than he had done the right thing. That there was a place in Heaven for him after it was all done, that his Lord knew he was still loyal to Him even if he'd turned on the mechanism of Heaven. He wanted to see Joshua and Samandriel and even Anna again. He wanted to be sure of his place. He wanted to have direction. He wanted peace. A wanted his humans to understand, to show they understood. He wanted to go home. He didn't want to feel useless anymore. He had thought he had no desires but, in the end, he had more than he knew what do do with and none he could fulfill.

"They are most important to me," he said. "It doesn't seem to be the answer they want to hear but, in this place... it is the truth." He wasn't going to tell her how hungry he was to see his Father, to go home though it was a painful fit now. He wasn't going to talk about his confused desire to stay. He wasn't going to talk about Heaven at all. "I want... a place here. I want a place with them. A place I am sure of. I want to help them. I want my friends to find peace here. I want... I want to believe what I doing is right. I want to be understood and to understand. I want... a family again. I... have never lived for myself. I think they are asking me to." Castiel lowered his head. "I don't know now."

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-04-03 08:19 am UTC (link)
She hadn't realised how messy it had gotten for the angel. And how much of a part she had inadvertantly played in making it that way. He looked to her as replacing him in their eyes. But no, it was different. That was the problem wasn't it. It was different because Sam had fallen in love with her and that had given her a place in his life that no one else could have. And she still had her demonic abilities, she was still a witch of considerable power. Cas was human. Which meant they worried about him fighting, worried how he'd cope in the worst of situations.

He'd lost so much more than her and he hadn't deserved to. She did, she deserved to lose all of it and more for the things she'd done. But him...

"They want you to be happy. And you're not, how can you be when you're stuck in one little mortal shell, cut off from it all. I don't get why they cut you off from heaven. You or Anna, you're the only ones that ever made any little bit of sense and they hate you for it. Sam and Dean just want you to find a place. Find purpose. But its not that easy is it. You're human but you're not. Angels were always above it, demons, we understand humanity. We have to, we came from them and we were sent back to them to trick and to tempt. Then they talk about rewards and it disgusts you because you feel its wrong and you don't deserve one but they mean well, you know they mean well."

Wanting a place though, Ruby understood that well enough, maybe she did understand humans better but it had taken her a long time to feel accepted among them.

"You take your time. You don't give them the answers you think they want. Your place here will find you Cas. Its got a way of doing that, sneaking up on you. I never thought about how much it must hurt you to be like you are, but then I don't think about that kind of thing off the bat. Its not...in me I guess. What I can say is that you're not on your own. I can promise you that."

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-04-03 08:35 am UTC (link)
"I have a purpose," Castiel said softly, still as before. "I will fight. Without that what else can any of us have?" No one was waiting to give him a place. He had to find it. He knew that. He had no idea how to find one beyond it. All he felt was outside every family he looked at, including the one that meant the most to him.

"What would you have if he hadn't come to give you purpose? If he hadn't brought you family?" He felt heavy and tired, his chest a ball, drawing into his core. He hated anyone questioning his will to fight. He had made it his centre. He couldn't relinquish that too.

"I feel on my own," he said softly. Maybe it sounded ungrateful, maybe it was inaccurate but Ruby had asked for honesty and he felt something even stranger. That only she came close to understanding he needed something more than good wishes.

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-04-03 11:12 am UTC (link)
Ruby knew the answer to that one instantly. Of course she did. It was very clear to her what she would have and what she would be without Sam in her life. "Without that? I'd have nothing. I'd be dead. Or if I'd somehow managed to get my way, Sam would be trapped inside himself and Lucifer would have the world by now. Without Sam there would be not a damn bit of good in me and I know that completely."

She sighed, "Look I'm not here to tell you what you need, or who you should be, or what you should do. I just know that I want you to find something that makes you happy. It can't all just be the fight. If that's all you have then you've already lost."

He felt alone, and Ruby wondered if she had a part to play in that. If she'd come in and taken the Winchesters from him without a second thought. It wasn't what she'd planned or anything, Sam had never been in her plan beyond his usefulness, beyond what Azazel and Lilith had taught her to believe of him.

"I'm sorry if I helped you feel like that. You aren't alone. You've got people that care about you even if you don't believe it. But, okay, tell me this? What is it you want out of life now? Out of the life you have?"

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-04-03 11:43 am UTC (link)
Castiel listened quietly though he already knew what answer he would get. At least he knew it was honest. When he spoke he spoke slowly, his voice level. "You didn't have to learn it by yourself. You knew, without doubt, what happened to you mattered to him." Castiel didn't know why Sam did but he supposed it was a mix of desire and familiarity. Maybe he saw potential. But it was enough.

Cas didn't expect her to apologise like that. Although she was part of the reason the men he had come to him of as his humans had other things to focus on he didn't think anyone else would think of it, least of all her.

He hated that question but she'd asked it twice. Clearly it wasn't going away. He frowned, sitting up to look at her. He'd held it in for so long. He was sick of it seething in his gut. He was sick of it getting in the way, making him snap at people who didn't deserve it. Keeping it it hadn't done anything for him. Would saying it? He sought for the desires he told himself weren't there and up they rose to be counted. There was an edge to his voice now.

"I want to know it wasn't all for nothing. I want... I want to understand why they fight so hard. I want to know what it's like to- I want to see that look again. The one that means they are grateful, they are glad I am here. That... I am one of them. I want... family again. I want to know what it's like to know I don't stand alone against Heaven not just in the fight but- all of it." All the pain of losing it, all the memories, all the grief for lost brothers and sisters. All the wasted prayers. All of these things ran through his mind in the endlessly quiet hours.

"I want... commpany, distraction, meaning. I want, I need... peace," he finished, sounding drained. "I am tired of hoping one day it will make sense. I need to know."

He fell quiet, finally, and rested back in the car seat. "They seem to be... important to my well being," he finished softly.

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-04-03 12:48 pm UTC (link)
As it happened, he had a very good point. “No, he was always there, every step. But we’re gonna be there for you. It matters to us what happens you, and at some point you’re gonna believe that. But until then you’ll just have to deal with it, and its not like you haven’t made friends, or do you think that’s for nothing. Those people care about you, they’re invested in what happens you. Doesn’t that mean something?”

When he explained what he wanted from life though, she thought maybe, just maybe, she understood him a little better. He was different from other people and maybe that was the problem. People kept trying to tell him to go be human and enjoy it, he didn’t know how, he’d never known how.

And of course, the driving force in it all was what he’d given up and proof that it mattered.

“They’re glad you’re here. I think, honestly, they just don’t know how to react to you after what you’ve given up. And I don’t know how you do it. I really don’t. I couldn’t be human, the feelings, emotions. They come back all the way, and there’s a lot of guilt in there, hundreds of girls I’ve worn to nothing, more victims than I can count, dark magic, loyalty to pure evil. I feel it now, but not like I would, you know how it works. You have to be struggling even if you don’t have the guilt I do. But I can tell you now that you don’t stand alone, You have friends, you have a demon that won’t give up on trying to make you see that she cares, even if its probably in her best interests to quit while she’s ahead. And you do have Sam and Dean. I swear you do.”

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-04-03 08:22 pm UTC (link)
"I have taken many steps so far," he said softly. "They have ended here. You... you thought to come. In that you prove your own point, about yourself." She had reached out to him and, though he still fought against trusting her, that held more weight with him that her words. He shook his head. "I don't think they are for nothing. They are... important to me. I know that I am important to them. I don't know why but... it is clear I am. I want to learn to be a better friend for them but... it's different. Sam and Dean... we have been through too much for it to be the same."

There was something else there he didn't have with his new friends. Disappointed expectations.

"No. That shouldn't matter. I will never ask for repayment. They are my friends. I want them to... be my friends. That is all. I would never want them to try and repay that. I couldn't wish the result of that on them and they have other things that are of first importance. I need them to be as they will. I will adjust to that as best I can." Which wasn't so well so far but he was willing to keep at it from both fear and desire.

"I don't think I am... doing it," he said. "I don't know how to enjoy what they enjoy. I don't... see the point of much of it. I like sensations, warmth, taste, but those are transient. I... like the island. There I can hold them longer but it's transient and so much chasing! How to humans have time for anything else?" It was an open and unguarded question. In that moment he spoke to her as equal.

... Even if her next assessment had him more guarded. "Sam has become someone I need to combat. He thinks I should walk away. He thinks he can walk away and find happiness as a human, while they fall. Dean... Dean seems to understand better. At least he hasn't tried to advise me to leave but... I am trying to teach myself how to be when he knows to be an effective human. Though it always seems to involve iniquity..." he added. "No matter who is trying to teach me."

Sex seemed intensely important to them and Cas still didn't know why but he had a suggestion. "Is that why Dean wanted me to know about sex? It has the power to... invite company? It seems very social here and people who will do it often have company at night. Sometimes they arrange trips to see it. Will it help me understand? Does it make the difference between... being alone and getting it?"

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-04-04 09:56 am UTC (link)
This was strange, feeling like she understood the former angel and why exactly he had been feeling so down as he was. It was simple really when it came down to it. He didn’t know how to be anything other than he had been and now he was stuck with that, trapped with new feelings, new emotions and confused to the point he was actually seeming grateful to her for her help.

“You needed someone to come and I figure I have a different view on it than they do. I know how it feels to be different. Not human.” She actually hadn’t done it for his trust or friendship. It was Cas and he’d needed someone to help him out and that was all it had been. She did see his point though about having been through too much with the Winchesters for it to be anything close to the same.

“Its gonna take time you know. I’m not sure if you’re trying to run before you can walk here, so think about things. Take it slow. Work through it all bit by bit and you’ll figure things out. It doesn’t just happen overnight you know, working them out, figuring out your place in all this crazy. It takes time.” And she knew that better than most. She might have known how to play humanity like a fiddle but for so long she had no idea how to interact with them beyond that. “You know, I still look for the catch? Someone does something nice for me, for Emily? I still wonder why. I get paranoid, try and figure out just how they’ll screw me over. Cause in my world, that’s always true. There’s always an agenda. With them though, that’s not always the case.”

She pulled the car to a stop outside the complex finally and leaned back in her seat. “You don’t have to enjoy what they do either you do know that. Not everyone enjoys the same things. You like this island place, so that’s a start. Think about why you like it, what is it that appeals to you? Why do you go there? You have to find the balance they do, between what they have to do and what they want to do. That’s how I’ve found it anyway.”

Why. Gods, why was she talking to Castiel about… Actually maybe it was better coming from her. She didn’t have a lot of the hang ups she’d found around the humans.

“It has a lot of power, sex I mean. It was basically what I used against Sam. That and the blood obviously. Its not like, vital or anything but a lot of humans like it, in its various forms. But you don’t just do it because everyone else is. You find someone you’re attracted to. Someone you wouldn’t mind having for company at night? I’m not gonna ask who, but if there’s someone that you feel like that about, think about it maybe?

She sat up a little, head tilting toward the angel, really hoping she was wrong about her next question. She was not explaining biology.

“You do know how it works, right? Mechanically. With the various…methods employable?”

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-04-04 12:22 pm UTC (link)
Ruby knew part of it, the separation, the struggle to fit in, but she didn't know what it was to fall from Heaven, to lose her power, to lose the certainty it was right, all was right. No one there possibly could know what it was to lose Heaven's Grace, even Ruby though she seemed willing to try. He tried not to focus on how singular his situation was but that wasn't an easy task. For Ruby it had been a rise. Sam knew how to talk to her. No one held back any more. She had said it had been hard at first and he expected it was but it had also been different. Like nothing either of them knew before but he didn't see how he could ever rise as she had when they centre of his universe was lost to him twice over.

"Time. Yes. I know but is that all? You had more than time. You didn't say your happiness came from time. It came from them acting for you. I... am so far from where I was. I don't think time can give it back to me on its own. Time only destroys, wears away. It doesn't create without help." He yawned, didn't bother to cover his mouth. He still needed to see Much but all he wanted to do was sleep.

"They won't... screw you over," Cas said. But he couldn't say they would never cause pain. "They will defend you. They would give their lives for you now," he said softly. "There is no need for paranoia. Any agenda will be uncovered and dealt with."

He didn't want to talk about sex but he needed to know about it since it kept coming up. He was grateful she didn't make a deal about it. "I should give someone else that power over me?" he looked doubtful. He didn't like to think about her using that against Sam. That had been a troubling time. Sex, like humanity so far, held little appeal to him.

He looked out the windshield as he answered her. "I would take any company at night," he said softly. "I stayed with Much, it was good. I would like to see Dean and Sam too. Juliet. Peter. But... I know they are busy at night. There isn't anyone else I think about at night. Only them." He didn't think about sex. He thought about words. He thought about comfort and certainty. Thought about death too. He thought about protecting them in that way but he didn't mention that. Sometimes, when the night was especially long, he thought of being protected.

"I.... am aware. Roughly," he said.

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-04-05 09:55 am UTC (link)
He had a point really, she had more than time, she had people willing to give her a chance, trust that had taken a while to build and she’d had Sam, who had always and probably would always be there to fight her corner for her. It meant more than she could ever put into words to have him with her. What he’d said though, about time destroying, she wasn’t sure she agreed. “Time does a lot you know, No it doesn’t fix everything or heal all wounds or whatever but it can make things easier. I’m never gonna make up for all I did Cas, its not possible, but time lets me try at least. Its something isn’t it?”

The yawn threw her, human as she knew he was, the fact he did human things like yawning still was occasionally jarring. The fact he was being kind to her was more familiar but not with this Cas. It all left her feeling mostly disconcerted.

“You say that though, and I know you’re right, but the feelings don’t go away easy. Something like that, it doesn’t just go away because you know in your head it’s logical and sensible. Sometimes you just can’t change it.” Paranoia, she’d always had, always felt, in hell it was healthy, sensible to be paranoid. Up here though, less so.

And still, on so many levels this conversation was going weird places, weird, weird places involving sex and the reasons for it.

“It can be used as a powerplay yeah, but it can mean so much more than that, or it can mean nothing at all beyond desire. It’s closeness, it’s comfort if you want to take it like that but, okay, those people you think about, do you ever think that you’d like to be closer to any of them. Like I am with Sam or Dean and Juliet or Peter and Andrew. Does it ever bother you that you don’t have it?”

Roughly. Roughly aware.

Nope. Not even touching that. He knew the basics and that would do. Unless he wanted more explained. And Team Good now or not, she was still a demon and part of her really, really wanted to explain kinks to the angel.

“Good, that’s good. But also, y’know if it doesn’t appeal to you that’s okay too, I think sometimes people forget that not everyone needs or wants it. You can have closeness without any of that. Or you can have that without love being involved. Welcome to humanity Cas, mostly they’re confusing.”

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-04-05 07:55 pm UTC (link)
"Time has yet to make things easier," he said tightly. "It isn't time that gives you your chance. It's them. They allow it. Time won't win this war either. Action will. Decisions. Sacrifice. Time... is only a opportunity to act.". Time, human time, was new to Castiel and he had little regard for it's healing power. So recently he had held dominion over time. Now it stretched before him in endless hours. They were, at least, useful now he was so much slower.

"No. You can't change it. Even if it's logical," he agreed. "Nor can you always act even if it is.". He yawned again, tired enough to concede the point. To Cas is was less about being kind to her, more about need and supply but it was a start.

"I will have to take your word for that.". He liked the idea of comfort but comfort was transient too. It's appeal was limited but his need for it was persistsant. At times he ignored it. At others... he fell into whatever g-rated distraction he could find. "You're asking me if I want sex with them? I... don't know. I don't think I want sex with anyone. I would like company at night." Too quiet. Too still. Too much time to think. Castiel was not a fan of the small hours. "I... see you all talk to each other... to share the weight... I can't say there is no appeal in it. But I can't be with any of them. They are with others. You can only be with someone who has not been chosen and who wishes to choose you," he said sagely even though he barely understood what he even meant by "with".

"Sometimes I think about it but... I don't know what to think about it. It's better to focus on the fight." He looked at the steering wheel. It was a bigger question than he could fully answer. He still felt he needed to fight more than he needed to take for himself. He was, deep down, afraid to let that balance change. Afraid of what it could do to his effectiveness and the outcome.

Yet he heard the same message over and over. 'Have more of you'll go crazy. Have more of you won't fight as well.' It was not what he was used to hearing or wanting.

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[info]frostandsnow
2013-04-06 09:44 pm UTC (link)
Of course he didn’t get her point, why would he? No reason to. “ Cas, I’ve been alive for centuries, more if you count, y’know...hell. But even what I think of time, its got to be nothing to do. But it means more up here than you probably can realise just yet. Humans, well they don’t have long. This, with me and Sam, even if we both survive this, we’ve got decades, maybe 50 years if we’re lucky. Then I lose him. So time actually means, kinda a lot. The rest do too; don’t get me wrong but it works together. It has to, don’t you see?”

Oh. Oh that was all he wanted? Someone with him at night, someone to talk to? Funny the things she didn’t think of now she actually bothered to pass time normally. “You...do know you probably should sleep now you’re human. You can get ill that way. They...you...need sleep.” In no way did she want to be mothering the millennia older than her former celestial but if he keeled over on her it’d probably look fairly suspicious.

“As for company though, you can have it, you just have to ask for it, for someone to talk to. I can’t imagine people will mind. You share the weight. You talk, you listen when they talk. Or do you think I only talk to Sam? You can talk to people and share company without the sex. Even at night. It isn’t just sex you know.” No, no she wouldn’t laugh at just how innocent the all powerful being could be, it wasn’t his fault, he just wasn’t used to life or anything it had to offer just yet. “How are you defining ‘with’ and who the hell sold you that load of crap. You can be ‘with’ whoever you want. You don’t need to have sex to share company, like I said. Also there’s a whole world of polygamous fun that some people are into, but y’know what, no...conversation for another time.”

He was just so damn innocent, every instinct she still had screamed at her to use it somehow, play it so what she wanted came out on top. But he was her friend, even if he didn’t know it, more than that, he was important to Sam. And he really just needed to think for once about what he wanted. She wasn’t sure if he ever had. If anyone had ever told him how.

“If you only focus on the fight you’ll lose your reasons. If it’s all you are, then what are you fighting for? Or do you expect not to come out of this. Is that it? Do you think you’ll get to die heroically and go back upstairs where you can be forgiven all your sins and have a whole other kind of life everlasting?”

Maybe asking that was crossing a line, she didn’t know, either way it was being asked.

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-04-07 12:10 am UTC (link)
"I am aware their time here is brief," he said. "But I don't think that is relevant to my point. Time is hardly on my side now. Or on theirs. You... speak of the loss time will bring yet you tell me it is a healing agent. I don't see time alone bringing much ease."

Castiel wanted a great deal more than company but he didn't yet want what most people wanted. He wanted certainty. He still missed the surety of orders. He wanted to feel a part of the right side, a force for good. He wanted to knew he wasn't wasting his time but it was all for something. Under those conditions difficult things became bearable but he knew if he talked of those needs he would likely be contradicted. Humans, in his experience, didn't seem to like that dependance and so he stayed quiet on it. Castiel had left it only because he didn't agree with his orders, not because he had been ordered and he no longer wished to be. Small comforts, then, were next on his list because they did make things easier and no one resisted his desire for them. No one argued and he'd even received encouragement. He liked encouragement. He liked to know his friends approved of something he was doing. It make him feel included. The right company did make it easier to forget the constraints of time in those moments.

"I have friends. We share company. Not sex. They are good company but they also have other people. Their people. I know that being a couple means your person comes first. The one you have sex with is usually the one who can ask the most. When they ask for time it is never denied. They are never too busy... are they? Does Sam get to busy for you?" Castiel had patches of information on this, observances, television shows, that sold their own ideals about couples. He didn't know which were the rude questions Polygamy had not been touched on. "I... don't know if they are polygamous. I can ask."

Castiel found himself shaking his head again. "People keep saying that. They think I fight so hard because the fight is all that matters to me. I don't know why they think that. Do people only fight hard just to fight?" His voice went soft them. "Honestly? No. I don't expect to come out of this. It was never my aim, just to survive. This is too important. It has to be done. I... want it done. But I know why I fight. I know they won't forgive me for this."

His irritation at the question was there but it was slight. He didn't really expect a demon to think much better of him.

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