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Jay (_snoogans_) wrote in vas_captio_rpg,
@ 2009-06-19 19:55:00

Entry tags:

!dropped, day 11, jay, location: gym, shannon rutherford

Day 11
Who: Jay and Shannon
What: Figuring out how to go on, I suppose
Where: Behind the gym
When: about 6pm

Jay didn't remember most of the things connecting some events to others. He couldn't remember how he'd found out about Silent Bob, he couldn't remember how he'd gotten to the gym, but he remembered that Logan dude telling him to go there as fast as he could. He'd breezed through the attempt at healing his arms, and now he'd taken enough pain killers to kill a small animal; which meant he was yet again high, which also meant his memory wasn't exactly perfect at this point either.

Most of all, he felt empty. Blank, actually, a blank slate with nothing on it. Confused, too, and lonely though he didn't want to acknowledge that. As he walked outside and around the building, thinking about how for the first time in ever he could use an actual cigarette and not a blunt, he hadn't expected to find Shannon there, looking pretty fucking sad herself. Immediately, Jay sat next to her, mumbling a "Thank God" nobody was supposed to hear. Beyond that, he didn't speak. He couldn't bring himself to.

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ballerinadreams
2009-06-19 02:16 pm UTC (link)

Shannon felt Jay sit beside her more than she saw him do so and when he mumbled to himself, Shannon looked over at him, face drawn with sympathy. He looked... She knew that look. There was no real way to describe it. She knew that look because she wore that look when Boone died.

Luckily for Jay, Shannon knew what it felt like to lose someone with whom she was so close; she knew he wouldn't much feel like talking and she wasn't going to apologize to him for the loss because she knew that only made things feel worse. Instead, very carefully - minding his broken arms, which in and of themselves made her wince - Shannon wrapped an arm around his waist, pressed her lips to his cheek, and then rested her head against his, sitting beside him in silence.

A few moments later, she spoke. "I know exactly how you feel," she said quietly, "and...if you need to talk it out, I won't tell anybody." Shannon knew Jay well enough to know that his ego would probably prevent him from sharing. "And if you don't want to talk at all...I'm still here." With a wince as the wound in her side pulled with the movement, Shannon lifted her head and raised the arm around Jay's waist to the opposite side of his head, guiding him to rest his head on her shoulder, fingers threading absently through his hair.

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_snoogans_
2009-06-19 09:33 pm UTC (link)

Any other time, and Jay's mind would be crawling with dirty thoughts about Shannon wanting to fuck him gently, or something to that effect. Right now, though, this Jay wasn't the Jay of before. He just appreciated the comfort in her gesture, though he didn't move an inch. With two broken arms, it wasn't like he could hug her back anyway.

It wasn't - it really wasn't - the fact that he was too proud to talk, so much as it was the fact that he was still lost for words. It just hurt, was all. And Jay had never really hurt before. He didn't know what it felt like.

Letting her guide his head to her shoulder, Jay just sighed heavily, closing his eyes. "I don't even fucking remember how it's like without Silent Bob." He finally said after a few minutes, his voice completely different from his usual one; there was just hurt and sadness all over it, plus a hint of shock and confusion. "It never happened." He finished.

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ballerinadreams
2009-06-20 12:13 am UTC (link)

Shannon could feel her eyes prickling with tears and her stomach sink with guilt because the tears weren't for Bob and they weren't for Jay. "I know," she said in a low voice. She remembered he'd said that they'd been friends for as long as he could remember. That seemed like a lot longer, even, than she and Boone had been in one another's lives. Twelve years was a long time, but Jay and Bob looked to be in their early thirties, she thought. That was twice as long at least.

"You know...my big brother died two days before I woke up here," she said quietly. "On that Island." She paused and wasn't entirely sure why she was sharing it; it wasn't as if she thought it'd make him feel any better and it sure as shit wasn't making her feel any better. Maybe she just needed to let it out in the presence of someone that she felt actually understood. Sam had intimated that he did because there'd been a time when he hadn't known whether Dean was dead or alive, but this was different. Jay knew Bob was dead. Like Shannon knew Boone had been.

Taking a deep breath and sniffing as she used her free hand to brush tears from her eyes before they could fall, Shannon sighed. "He was my everything. He was my mother, my father, my brother...my best friend. My knight in shining armor. He was everything in my life and now he's gone." With the hand she'd used to wipe her eyes, she took one of Jay's in her own. "I thought he'd always be there for me. I thought he'd never leave me. And then one day...he was gone. So, I mean...I know it's really hard. And I know that it's gonna take a few days before it really hits you."

Again, Shannon paused and then moved to press her lips gently to the back of his head - well mainly on the skull cap - and rested there for a moment. She wanted to ask what he was going to do when they got out of here. Shannon wanted to know where he was going to go now...if only because she knew that she'd never go back to LA where Boone had lived and she could only assume Jay wouldn't want to go back to Jersey where he'd spent his whole life with Bob. But, she didn't. Lips moving against the skull cap as she spoke, Shannon sad softly, "I know it probably won't feel like it, but it gets a little easier. Not a lot...but some. And, like I said, I know how you feel, so...I know it's not the same at all, but...there's always me." It was a weak offering and she knew it, but she meant it and hoped it would be of at least a little consolation.

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_snoogans_
2009-06-21 04:28 am UTC (link)

They had been babies; the fat baby and the little baby, all their childhoods, throughout high school, afterwards. They even had a fucking business together, and nothing in the world had ever made them want to be apart from each other despite the occasional fight. They just never meant it, really. And now...If Jay was able to analyze himself to such an extent he could say it was almost like losing half of himself.

He listened to Shannon with the saddest expression in the world. "Sorry to hear that. Yeah Bob was all those things for me too, sometimes I think if I'm alive it's thanks to him..." Which brought him to the notion that the opposite was definitely not true.

Looking at her wanting to dry her tears but unable to do so, Jay frowned. "What do you mean? What do you mean it'll hit me in a few days? It's gonna feel worse?" That was some shit. Jay didn't think it could feel worse. "You just said it'll get worse!" He exclaimed, but then tried for a smile. A sad one, but it was there, and full of gratitude.

"Thanks Shannon. Seriously." He said, although in truth it didn't make it any better. Or maybe it did, just knowing someone was there for him and knew what he was feeling like.

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ballerinadreams
2009-06-21 03:52 pm UTC (link)

Nodding slightly, Shannon went on stroking Jay's hair absently. He and Bob had had the sort of relationship Shannon and Boone had had before everything got weird and complicated...and bad. She felt her heart break for him that much more for his loss.

Shannon winced when he looked back at her frowning and asked whether it'd get worse. She hated to do it, but she nodded. "It does," she admitted. "Because, at first you're more in shock than anything else. You feel the loss, but mostly you feel numb," she explained, hoping that she wasn't just assuming her experience was the same as others. "When it hits you, it's like a tidal wave. But it does get better after that. Not a lot and not right away, but I promise you it gets a little easier."

When Jay thanked her, Shannon shook her head. "Don't thank me," she said softly. Then she let out a soft sigh and gave him a sad smile. "That's what friends are for, Jay. I'm paying it back for the the other day in the gas station when I felt like hell and you made me feel better." She paused, then. "And as long as I have a say about it, I'll always be here if you need me, Jay. It's bad enough to feel alone but in this place to boot... So, I mean, I know you feel and I can be a pretty good ear when you need it. All you gotta do is ask."

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_snoogans_
2009-06-22 10:10 am UTC (link)

He wouldn't admit it out loud, but it felt pretty nice to have Shannon stroking his hair. It was comforting, even if there was nothing she could do to really make him feel a whole lot better. But it helped.

Jay looked down, closing his eyes for a moment when she admitted it would, in fact, get worse. Now he knew what to expect; nothing good. Hell, at this point he thought nothing good would ever come his way again after Silent Bob. The best friend he could ever have.

With a small smile, Jay looked thankful when he looked back at Shannon. At least he wasn't alone, though he could use Justice right about now, but that wasn't going to happen, and Shannon was looking like a very good friend at the moment. He couldn't ask for more. "Thanks, Shannon, seriously. But I know this probably fucks you up because you'll keep remembering your brother...I don't want that to happen..."

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ballerinadreams
2009-06-22 05:59 pm UTC (link)

Once again, Shannon shook her head. "Yeah, I mean it fucks me up, but I haven't had time to mourn, yet. There's been too much of that whole trying-not-to-end-up-dead thing I've been concentrated on. I don't necessarily think it's bad to finally let it really hit me...again. At least, unfortunately for you, this time I'll have someone around who knows what I'm really going through," she replied. Because, bless his heart, Sam had tried to identify with her pain, but he'd just sort of missed the mark.

"Have you eaten?" she asked. The question sounded random, she knew, but sometimes depression and shock from a loss could do strange things to a person...like allow them to forget to keep themselves up by eating. If he hadn't, she thought he should and she had one or two more SlimFast bars she could share with him. It was, she thought, the least she could do, since there was nothing really she could do to ease his pain.

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