Ronan Lynch (alteridem) wrote in valloic, @ 2021-02-03 16:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, the raven cycle: matthew lynch, the raven cycle: ronan lynch, ₴ inactive: dan torrance |
Log: Lynches & Dan Torrance
That didn’t mean he was calm about it. His palms were gross. Damp and itchy. His neck felt sweaty too. He’d put a nice shirt and a pair of jeans that didn’t have any holes in them. It was all still black, but the shirt had sleeves for fuck’s sake. And buttons!
He looked like a goth Mormon.
Ronan pulled his collar away from his throat as he led Dan and Matthew over the boundary that marked Cabeswater. Inside, the forest was warm and bright. It was summer, not winter. Animals of the mundane and the magical scattered at their entrance. Some peeked out from burrows; some peered down from the trees. Ronan ignored them all and walked with purpose, willing the forest to lead them to where he’d found his mother’s remains.
Couldn’t even really call it a body, could he?
He shook off that thought and spoke over his shoulder. “Remember, watch your thoughts. This place is malleable as fuck,” he said to Dan just as he stepped into the clearing that he’d never in his life be able to forget. His eyes shifted to Matthew. “Last chance to back out, Matty.”
“No,” Matthew’s voice came from a few paces behind. At Matthew’s side was a fluffy, snow white amalgamation of an animal--something like a horned sheepdog, or a miniature pony buffalo whose hair grew out like cotton candy.. It butted its head into Matthew’s leg gently until he reached a hand down to rub between its ears and pleased with the attention, it ambled off.
He caught up with Ronan and pushed his shoulder into his brother’s. To see Matthew and Ronan side by side was to see how completely opposite they appeared to be, but at the same time, how they couldn’t be anything but brothers. Matthew had been swallowing down a ball of nerves, hopes, and fears that had lodged in his throat from the second Ronan had even suggested the idea of conjuring up Aurora one last time. Even though he’d been uncertain at first, he never wanted Ronan to go through it alone, and now, Matthew wouldn’t have forgiven himself for not trying.
“No,” he repeated. “I want to see Mom.” And that was the crux of it. Their mother was gone, taken twice. And maybe it was selfish, because they had been given a second chance with her when she woke up, here in Cabeswater, a dream place for a dream person, but Matthew was okay with this selfishness. One more time.
Dan could hardly believe that, just outside the boundaries of Cabeswater, it was still winter - that there was a cold which he felt even when it was sunny, because he hated the cold and it sank into his bones like wet concrete, a freezing fog. He’d grown up in Florida, for the most part, so that probably changed his blood to some degree anyway - whatever it was, cold definitely jangled his nerves and dug in with its teeth. He was glad it wasn’t like that here. Cabeswater was beautiful, though he tried to heed Ronan’s advice and just keep his thoughts neutral, appreciating the way the light beamed through tree boughs and all the sounds of it reminded him of an orchestra with the way they worked, and the colors were earthen - so many greens and browns, wood and leaves.
When they got to the clearing that was their destination, he paused and took a look around. Just trying to get a feel for the space, really - it was a sentient forest and Dan felt it, felt the pull of the forest as more than something organic, more than just the physical. It was the psychic, mystic energy in the air.
“Alright, here we go,” he said, taking a breath. “I’ll reach out and feel for her, then invite her here - she won’t need to talk through me though. You’ll be able to see her.” Given the Shining (which would make the call) and how malleable Cabeswater actually was (it’d be like receiving the call), Dan was positive this would work. He owed Ronan anyway, but even if he didn’t, he’d want to do this for him and his brother - as someone who understood the ache of losing a mother, and how much ‘one more time’ would actually mean, to get to talk to her again.
Ronan was relieved Matthew seemed determined instead of reluctant. The last thing he wanted was for this to scar them any further than life already had. He gave Matthew a quick head hug as Dan spoke and then took a deep steadying breath for himself.
“Will she be--” Ronan didn’t finish the question because the answer already stood a few feet away. It was like how all dream objects appeared; one second they weren’t there, the next it was like the world had folded and they’d always been there.
Aurora Lynch was as golden as ever, but Ronan recognized immediately the difference in her eyes from the last time he’d seen her whole. She looked more present. Less a reawakened dream, held together by luck, and more the woman they’d grown up with. He took a step forward and her eyes shifted between the three of them. Her confusion was obvious, but it didn’t stop her smile from forming.
“How...am I here?” she asked. “Are you...alright?”
There had been moments where Matthew had wondered if time had blurred some of his memories. Like if Aurora’s laugh was actually the pitch he remembered it as, if she hummed while she baked, how much taller he was compared to her, which way she wore her hair, small details that time started to wear away at. Things he felt guilty for forgetting, pieces of her he worried he would never get back. But then their mother was there, in front of them, and Matthew felt all of that rushing back.
“Hi, Mom,” he said, smiling in return, relief and love and disbelief and holy blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers he was not going to be the first one to cry! That was a total lie, Matthew was absolutely going to, he wiped at his eyes and went in for a hug. Matthew’s embraces were usually like the teen himself: large, warm, all-encompassing, but he hugged Aurora like she was made of spun sugar. It was Aurora who hugged her bear of a son with surprising strength, a solid, realness to her.
“We’re okay,” Matthew started, in a rush, “We’re really good, and Declan’s good too, he’s just not here right now but he’s really good, and that’s Dan right there, he’s super nice and helped bring you here for a little bit so we could talk? We didn’t get to, before, Mom, and I’m sorry, I--”
Aurora took his face in her hands. “My love,” she murmured, and Matthew had to wipe his eyes yet again, unashamed. After kissing Matthew’s cheek, she turned to Dan, a princess straight from a fairy tale, soft, nurturing and full of love, but somehow also looking very much like she would take down an entire army single handedly for the Lynch boys and be home in time for dinner. “Thank you. For whatever time we have, it’s perfect.”
Her attention shifted to her middle son, Aurora’s laugh musical and bright.“A shirt with buttons! Why, you’ve dressed up!”
In Cabeswater, it had been easier than it usually was, to call a spirit forth - to let the Shining unfurl like a wave that was slow to break, gradually, a beach blanket of sorts. And Dan had reached, had let the connection solidify and wrap around the spirit he intended to bring here - when he’d been younger he was especially adept at seeing and talking to spirits. They’d appear when he didn’t want them to, usually in the form of nightmares that dragged him under into a dark, moshy bog, wearing faces of those he’d hurt in the past. These days, he didn’t really talk to many spirits - perhaps because he too was more at peace, but occasionally he did see them.
He’d see them when they were solid, like they’d never left - like when he’d spoken to Dick those couple of times Dan had needed his strength, his guidance; it was as if his old friend and mentor had been standing right there in front of him. The way Aurora was now.
“You’re welcome,” he said, wearing a small smile that was genuine. “I’m sure you’re proud of them. They both do pretty amazing things here.” Vallo would not be the same without them, that was for sure.
Ronan hadn’t really let himself picture this. Her. Them standing near her. It startled him when Matthew rushed forward and hugged her. His emotions leapt from his swirling stomach up into his throat and he took a halting step forward before freezing in place. He could hear Matthew rambling but the words were like white noise.
He touched his shirt self-consciously and swallowed past the lump in his throat, turning to Dan first. He was about as effusive as always, but his eyes were bright and grateful. “Uh yeah. Thanks.”
“Ronan…” Aurora still had one hand on Matthew’s shoulder and she held out the other. A few seconds passed, but then he was hurtling forward to press his face into her shoulder and wrap his arms around her. She felt real and not, somehow. He had to keep reminding himself this was temporary.
“I’m...I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you,” he choked out, quiet and regretful. He hadn’t meant those to be his first words, but fuck. Matthew was so much better at this.
“Oh, oh honey. It’s not your fault. No one could have.” Aurora hugged him closer, petting his head and pulling Matthew back in as well. “Oh my boys. You already look more grown up.”
Matthew went in, easily, readily, like hugging his mom was something he did every day instead of it not happening in more than a year now. “Yeah? I’m thinking about growing a beard, what do you think, Mom?” he asked, stroking his chin playfully. There were so many things he wanted to say, things he wanted to ask, but this? This was good too.
Sure enough, Aurora laughed once again, and Matthew closed his eyes against the sound, pairing it up with what he remembered. It had been there, all along. He hadn’t forgotten and he wouldn’t forget.“You’d be just as handsome either way,” she promised, with another hug to both sons.
After rubbing his head against Ronan’s, always seeking affection and stability and grounding, Matthew pulled back. “You guys should talk first.” There was no reluctance or hesitation. For as much as Matthew wanted to talk to their mom, there were things he wanted to say just to her, and things he’d hear from her that he’d likely share with Ronan later, but he wanted to hear alone first. It was likely the same with Ronan and Matthew wanted that for him more than anything.
Squeezing Aurora’s hand (soft, strong, present), he walked over to Dan and hooked an arm around his shoulders like they were old friends. “Come on, I’ll show you some flowers that play music, it’s really the coolest thing! And sometimes there’s a bunny with antlers that pops up and it's super cute too! We won’t go far, don’t worry Ro.” Not just because Cabeswater was unpredictable, though Matthew knew the sentient forest would never hurt him, but because he didn’t know how far they could go without weakening the connection that held Aurora here temporarily.
Dan was absolutely willing to give Ronan and his mother some privacy. He chuckled a little, patting Matthew’s back. “Of course, show me,” he agreed easily and just because, well, it was the polite thing to do - but because flowers that played music sounded amazing and when would he ever get a second chance to see something like that?
It wasn’t as if he wandered into Cabeswater on a regular basis. This was a one-time deal.
But then he was off with Matthew, letting the younger man lead him wherever he wished - Dan was pretty awestruck by it all, and he could still feel the connection between himself, Aurora, and the buzz of contribution from the forest as well. He made sure to hold firm and steady.
Ronan shoved down all his guilt and self-pity, locked it up tight as a drum. This was the last chance to talk to his mom. He needed to keep his shit together. He frowned anyway, as Matthew and Dan moved away. The chances he’d say something wrong were a lot higher without Matthew standing right there.
“It’s...uh...good to see you,” he murmured, pulling away to shift awkwardly in front of her. “I miss you.” He tried very hard not to choke on those words, even putting on a pinched smile. “So much shit as happened, Mom, I don’t even know where to start.”
Aurora’s mouth twisted at his curse, in a faintly amused way. “Are you happy?”
“I...yeah. I am. It’s not perfect but things are really good. The farm, my friends...Adam.” He looked up at her, not worried, but still nervous anyway. “Adam and I are together.”
Aurora Lynch had been dreamed to be a mother. She knew her boys inside and out, loved them, cherished them. So of course she noticed Ronan’s nervousness, of course she immediately drew Ronan back into an embrace, kissed his forehead, ran her thumbs across his cheeks. “I want to hear everything,” she promised. “But first, Ronan, Ronan, my brave, beautiful boy, there is nothing you could ever do to make me love you any less, least of all who you love. If he makes you laugh, and sees you, and loves you even with that terrible music you like so much,” she chuckled, squeezing Ronan. “I don’t want much more than that.”
She threaded her arm through Ronan’s to keep him close, instinctively. They had such little time, and if anyone faulted her for holding on to her kids, well, she may not have had Ronan’s colorful language to express it properly, but too bad for them. “I liked Adam so much. He has such a beautiful mind.” When they visited her in Cabeswater, Aurora had spent time asking Adam philosophical questions and taken such delight in listening to him work out his rationalization. She hadn’t been fully herself in her rose glen, a sleeping dream awakened in a dream by another dreamer, but she remembered the people who were so important to Ronan and Matthew. Unsurprisingly, she loved them too.
“Is my little helper well?” Aurora asked, referring to Opal who had been unnamed while she stayed with Aurora. “How is the farm? Your friends? You’re not much of a talker, I know, but I hope for the sake of your poor mother,” she batted doe eyes at him, every bit a fairy tale princess...except for the teasing glint reflected there. “You’ll make an exception.”
This was almost too much for Ronan. He’d pictured all of this time and time again but it had been quick and bittersweet, like passing someone you hadn’t seen in years on the street. Which he supposed was fucking dumb, but that’s how it had played in his head. A lightning fast reunion to say goodbye. And now he had to figure out how much of this weird ass life of theirs he could tell his mother. And how to get the warmth and relief in his chest to chill out after listening to her talk about Adam.
“I...Opal’s good. Creepy as ever. Everybody’s good really. This place, it’s not like home. We’ve got a market at the farm and people come here all the time. And they know, about me I mean. But it’s safe here. And, and, fuck, Mom. I can’t sum up my life like this.” He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. The tears that threatened were more overwhelmed than sad, but he managed to hold them back with a laugh. “I’m gonna ask Adam to marry me on my next birthday. He’d say yes even if I did it today, I know he would, but it’s this whole...thing.”
He snorted and smiled crookedly. “What I’m trying to say is you don’t have to worry about me.”
Aurora’s heart broke and mended itself all at once for her son and that smile that was so familiar and dear. “It can be a home for you, your heart is big enough to have more than one. And home is a feeling, with people, not one space, anyway.” Aurora said, then gently prodded Ronan in the stomach. “Don’t tell me that sounds like a fortune cookie either, this is good stuff! You should be writing this down.”
She returned the crooked grin. “I’ll always worry about you. I’m your mother, that’s like asking you not to swear, or asking Declan not to tuck in his shirt.” There was something else Aurora wanted to say, about how much she wished she could be there to see the bustling market, share in birthdays, weddings, holidays, celebrations, struggles, pain, everything. But it was written all over her. She kissed Ronan’s head again, just because she could. “You have a wonderful life.”
It was a statement, hope, and benediction all in one.
Thoughtful, Aurora turned a distant gaze to a nearby tree. “I know Dad put a lot on you,” she started, a wrinkle forming between her brows as if saying that much was difficult. But for her son, Aurora would conquer any internal strife over Niall Lynch, even as she still loved him desperately. “He was proud of you, you should know that. I am so proud of you,” at that she turned her focus back to Ronan, certain now. “Not for the dreaming, which is wonderful in its own right, but because of who you are. You’re a dreamer, but oh Ronan, you contain multitudes.”
Ronan’s overwhelmed feeling wasn’t going away anytime soon. He desperately wished he could keep his mother here in this place. But he knew every minute he lingered, hearing her loving words and support, watching the emotions play across her face, would make it harder to say goodbye. He swiped a sleeve across his damp eyes.
“That...means a lot to me, Mom. I love you. I...I’ll miss you forever.” It was getting harder to push the words past the emotions, so Ronan folded his mother into a too tight hug and spoke into her shoulder. “I’ll keep Matthew safe and happy too, I promise. We should…” He pulled back and looked over to his brother, lifting a hand to try and get his attention. His chest was burning and he needed to step away or he never would.
“I love you. Flowers and ravens.” Aurora kissed the top of Ronan’s head, once, twice, three times, and hugged him with a ferocity that was shared between them. “You won’t let anything happen to our Matthew, there’s not a doubt in my mind on that one. My Lynch boys.”
It took Matthew a minute to come bounding over because he was keeping a careful eye on Dan just in case Cabeswater decided to be tricky or show off its magic and change itself. As it was, Matthew had to stop when a bird sized butterfly landed on his head and he didn’t know how to shake it off without scaring it--likely Matthew would have simply waited, still, until the butterfly flew off, had it not been for Aurora and their limited time. He draped his arms around Aurora’s shoulders, head on her chin. “Did you tell Mom how good everything is at the farm? And how we tried to make her cinnamon rolls? Mom, we tried to make your cinnamon rolls and we had a really good time! But they were so bad!”
Aurora chuckled, saying wisely, “If you cover anything in enough frosting, it tends to taste pretty good.”
“That’s what we figured too!” Matthew came around to wrap a shoulder around his mom and brother. “You want to stay, Ro? It’s okay.” Judging by Ronan’s face, Matthew had a pretty good inclination that he wanted and needed a minute to pull himself together, but he wanted to offer anyway.
“I told her a few things. Don’t let it stop you from blabbering, motormouth. I’m gonna...” Ronan gestured behind him blindly. As little as he wanted to leave, he did need to shore up his defenses. Before they had to leave.
He managed a tight smile for his family and wandered towards Dan, a hand on the back of his neck.
Aurora watched him go with somber love in her eyes but the smile she turned to Matthew was bright and warm. She reached up to brush some of his blonde hair away from his temple. How much he looked like her had always given her joy. She loved all her boys, but Matthew held a special place in her heart. “He seems to be doing really well. But how are you doing, my golden boy? How is school?”
Matthew’s returning smile was also bright and warm, as if the two of them were reflecting off of each other. He’d always liked their simple moments best, moments when they just understood the other. “It’s pretty great! I don’t know that I’m all that good at it--”
“--Matthew Lynch, you don’t let anyone make you think for one second that you’re not smart.”
“I know, I know,” he chuckled. “I know. Ronan says the same thing. It took me a sec, but I’m almost done here and I like it a lot!” Matthew didn’t know what came after school. College? Maybe? Which would have made Adam and Gansey at least, relieved, and probably would be helpful in the future but--
Right. Focus, Matthew.
“And we have a lot of friends, the farm is amazing, and everything’s really good.. We’re happy and healthy and safe.”
Aurora’s brows knit together. “But…” she prodded, gently. Matthew had always been the easiest to read. He wore every emotion clear across his face and throughout his body, so earnestly Matthew that he couldn’t fake anything if he tried. His fidgeting combined with qualifying statements was a clear indicator Matthew had something he didn’t want to say.
Sure enough. Matthew winced, squaring his shoulders. “Mom, I figured it out. I know I’m Ronan’s dream. And it’s okay now, I’m not mad--I mean, I guess I was mad for awhile? Or sad?” Even now the words felt too heavy in Matthew’s mouth, his stomach (if he even had a stomach, thanks a lot for that image, Declan) twisted with unease and uncertainty. Someday, he hoped, it would get easier. Someday it wouldn’t feel so momentous and he’d know it was the right time and, and it would just be a funny quirk. Some people could curl their tongues. Matthew had been dreamed up by his brother, not born.
Aurora was hugging him just before Matthew instinctively opened his arms for a hug. “Did it matter?” he asked. “Like, along comes a baby out of nowhere? No planning or choice?”
“Oh sweetheart.” Aurora pulled him close and brushed a hand over his hair soothingly, the way she had since he was a golden cherub of a dream baby. It hurt her heart to think of him finding out about himself in a way that saddened him.
“Did it matter that a vulnerable baby boy with a magical smile was put in my arms unexpectedly? Honey, did I ever give you any reason to believe you were unwanted?” She pulled back to press his face between her palms. Their eyes were the same; it added to the fullness in her heart.
“Matthew. I’ve always known what I was. And I’ve always known what you are.” Her smile was soft and open. “I’m your mother. And you’re my wonderful son. You were a blessing and nothing less.” A bittersweet seriousness eased into her gaze and she moved her hands to his shoulders. He was so tall now. Her baby boy. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. But I’ve never been sorry about the gift of you in my life.”
“Mom, no, holy red velvet cake Pop-Tarts, never, you were the best mom,” Matthew promised. It spilled out so quickly from him that it could only be the complete and total truth: he had never once felt anything less than the cherished youngest son. Ronan and Matthew had committed to talking more about their childhood, the good and the things they needed to be more objective about, but there was just so much good. So much laughter, stories, imagination, sharing, and love, and so much of that was all credited to the woman in front of him. Maybe some things didn’t need to be so carefully examined, especially when the answer was so very simple.
He pressed their foreheads together. Matthew showed his love the same way he experienced it, through physical affection. Just as Aurora showed she loved Ronan by listening to him talk about his dream creations, Aurora always knew when Matthew needed a hug or to snuggle up somewhere. ...Which tended to be whenever, wherever. He was pretty predictable.
“You were happy? Even--even knowing everything? You made our lives so happy and good, I just,” he shrugged. “I hope your life was that way, like, this was what you wanted?” The idea of choice weighed on Matthew. Never once had he felt like he had been influenced by Ronan, outside of the typical loving older brother manner. If anything, Ronan had been very careful to not direct Matthew too much, wanting Matthew to have the freedom to discover what he wanted out of life. Aurora’s dreamer had been her husband, and so it was an entirely different relationship.
“I was happy. I was…” Aurora didn’t want to give him rote answers just because this was probably the last time they’d ever speak. But she knew her origin wasn’t as sweet as his and she didn’t want to set him off with negative thoughts about it all. She tried to find a balance - truth and love. “There were things I hoped to do one day. But I don’t have any regrets about living my life with my boys. The only thing I regret is not talking to you more about what we have in common.”
Niall had been adamant about not talking about dreaming too blatantly. He wasn’t just about people finding out. It was about the mystique and his casual indifference for planning ahead. And she suspected he had very few answers for them. At least not any that they would’ve liked.
She gently tweaked Matthew’s ear. “We don’t have the time to do it properly now. Just know that it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be unsure. You may be Ronan’s dream, but you are your own person, always. Just follow your heart and talk things out with the people you trust when you need to, okay?”
“I don’t always know where it wants to go,” Matthew confessed. It was hard saying that out loud, especially considering how Matthew always seemed to lead with his too soft, too large, too open heart. But the older he got, and the more he truly tried to reflect on things and question and grow, the more complicated everything became. It was all a part of being ‘real,’ he knew, hard as it all was. “But I’m trying.” And Matthew would always, always try.
Aurora’s words, simple as they were, were of course exactly what Matthew needed to hear. They were a balm to an injury he’d sort of learned to live with, an adjustment to something forever off-kilter. The shedding of a weight he’d been carrying for a while. “Thanks, Mom,” Matthew said, quick to envelop her in another bear hug. Matthew hugged with his whole being. “That’s all I wanted to say and hear. Just that. I promise I’m really good, and Ronan’s really good. I love you. I miss you every day. I’ll make sure Ronan remembers who he is and stays as safe as Ronan can be.” He paused, laughing. “Okay, I guess that wasn’t all I wanted to say.”
Saying goodbye felt so final, even though Matthew knew it had to be. It was a story about a loving and devoted mother who deserved so much more than how she died, and the sons that never said goodbye. Now that chapter was over, and he and Ronan would continue on, always together. Matthew had to bite down on his tongue to concentrate on something other than the well of emotion that threatened to break from him, happy and sad all at once. He didn’t know if he could actually say the words, but he knew he had to.
In a few minutes, at least.
He kissed the side of Aurora’s head and waved to Ronan. “You want to see the alpacas? Cabeswater is pretty funky with phones, but I bet it’ll make an exception this one time.”
Ronan had waited out his time with less mounting dread than he expected. Maybe he was settling into some kind of acceptance. That had been the idea of all this, after all. Matthew calling him over did spike his emotions back up again but he managed not to let his shields crack. He showed Aurora the pictures requested and he hugged her again before pulling Matthew back a step.
He wasn’t going to cry again, but it was going to be close so he didn’t try to say anything else to her. He just lifted his hand in a bittersweet wave and turned his face to Dan. “Thanks for giving us this. You can let her go now.”
On Dan’s end, he felt the connection fading - fading like the stars at the onset of morning, or like a flower in the shadow of the woods, and he let go with it until there was no more. Aurora wasn’t really gone though, he knew that - she went on. Like they all did, like they all would. It made him miss his own mother something fierce - he’d give anything to see and speak with Wendy again, but she’d moved on and found her own peace and so he had to accept that.
A lot of life was about acceptance, as he’d learned here in Vallo above all else, but he was glad he got to do this for Ronan and Matthew. Definitely an emotional time, however, so he’d give them some space until they were ready to return, to leave the arms of Cabeswater behind for the time being.
Maybe he’d be back someday. Who could say?