WHAT: Dealing with their losses WHERE: Danvers-Vance-Khan Residence WHEN: Backdated to January 16th WARNINGS: Big feelings and language STATUS: Complete
It felt like the moment Carol thought of her, she looked down to find Kamala’s name popping up on her cell phone screen. She’d been at school all morning, and Carol had hoped that would keep her distracted for a little while. She’d needed time to process on her own, to get a hold of herself, and sitting on that mountain’s peak – well, she wasn’t sure even that had done it. Controlling the tears and the upswing of emotion was a still-constant battle.
She landed on the sidewalk in front of the house intentionally when she returned, and for a few moments, she just studied it. They’d spent so long looking for the perfect space – something that was theirs, something that would make them feel more permanent than the DOA-provided Morningside apartments could provide – and then along came this oversized blue cottage, and that was it. Carol was sold before she’d ever set foot inside.
Now, she wished she didn’t have to set foot inside. Emmeline was gone. She was so much of the reason this house, in the middle of a random suburb, in a random city, in a random world had become home. Walking back in there, armed with the knowledge that her wife wasn’t coming home today, that she may never come home again could paralyze her if she let it. She could grow roots right here and stay stuck forever.
But Kamala was inside. She and Kamala shared these losses. Carol wasn’t cruel enough to let her suffer through that alone. Her kid needed her, and she was going to do her best to be there for her, to offer comfort.
So, inside she went. Her face was as dry as she’d managed to keep it yet today, her hair pulled back into a loose bun, wearing her house Crocs, leggings, and a hoodie over her tank top. It was exactly what she’d woken up in this morning and exactly how she’d fled the house the moment she saw the notification come through.
The door clicked shut behind her, and she had barely crossed the threshold into the living room when she felt, more than saw, a body crash into her. Instinctively, her arms raised and she wrapped her arms tight around the culprit before she could say a word.
Of course the day that Kamala decided to put her phone away and not text in between classes was the day there were notifications for disappearances, some of them that hurt way too much. Some would say it was a good thing she didn’t look at the phone because it would have distracted her but she kicked herself mentally all the same because what was more important right now was to be with her friends and family, the ones who were still here.
So the trip from school to home felt like a complete blur.
She was only just recovering from her last loss, damnit. It hurt so bad to lose her boyfriend, probably the worst heartache she had ever dealt with, but she was able to bounce back. It was starting to hurt less and less every day, and the semblance of who Kamala was before that happened was also starting to come back. Until these disappearances. It’s like Vallo just loved to toy with people’s hearts.
She was already crying when she had gotten home, looking at everything in the house that reminded her of Emmeline, not yet having gone to her own room to look at gifts from James and Kate. Instead she had just sunk into the couch until she heard the door unlock. And then she was crying into Carol’s shirt even harder.
“I love you,” Carol told Kamala, squeezing her gently. Her voice was soft, tired, raspy in a way that showcased the tidal wave of emotion simmering just beneath the surface. But the words were fierce, almost desperately sincere. She didn’t want Kamala going a single day without knowing how much she was loved, especially not now.
Kamala nodded into her shirt, not able to speak it. Carol probably never had to actually say it in order for Kamala to know that, but she also understood the woman’s need to say it now. When her sobs started to calm down, Kamala moved away slightly, rubbing at her cheeks with the back of her hands before speaking. “I love you too. I’m so sorry. This is completely shit.”
“Yeah, it is,” Carol agreed. She raised her hands to Kamala’s face, batting away her hands to take over in clearing her cheeks of some of those tears. “It’s the fucking worst, but you have nothing to be sorry for, babe. I’ve been crying all morning.”
“I skipped my last class,” Kamala said. She’ll make it up, whatever. That was low priority in comparison to needing to be with Carol anyway. “I should have looked at my phone sooner. I had it put away for most of it.”
“It’s okay,” Carol assured her again. “It’s good you put your phone away. School’s important, you need to pay attention.” She had welcomed the time to herself, if she was honest. It had allowed her to seethe out the most vitriolic of her feelings and come to Kamala feeling calmer. “But I’m happy you came home, anyway.”
Kamala reached up to grasp one of Carol’s hands in hers. School was… well, it wasn’t as important to her as people probably would consider it. In that way, she often defied the stereotype of Asian kids being really nerdy (she was but in a different sense). But it wasn’t the time to argue about that anyway.
“What do we do now?”
“I don’t know,” Carol said quietly. It was the last thing she wanted to say. She hated to feel so lost, so absolutely out of control. But Vallo had a habit of putting them in these positions. It was just the first time it had felt like such a knife to the chest for her personally. She looked toward the kitchen, then back at Kamala. “Ice cream?”
Kamala knew that would have been hard for her to say, but she squeezed her hand assuringly and nodded. “Ice cream.”
With that agreed on, Carol pulled away to head into the kitchen, letting Kamala settle onto a stool at the island while she reached into the freezer to pull out a couple of pints of Ben & Jerry’s. Once they’d made flavor decisions, she scooped healthy portions into two bowls, pushing one toward Kamala, then stashing the pints back in their frozen home. If they weren’t polished off by tomorrow, she’d be shocked.
“I might be quiet for the next few days,” she told Kamala as she took a seat in the stool beside her. She reached out to take her bowl into her hands, digging in just a tad too aggressively with her spoon. “But we’re gonna get through this, okay? I’ve always got you.”
Kamala took her seat and pulled out her phone again at the same time, looking at other people’s updates. It was a long list, and her heart hurt even more when she spotted names she had skimmed over and hadn’t even gotten to because seeing Emmeline’s and Emily’s names at the top of the list and then the rest down to Natasha’s had already done her in. Now, her eyes welled again seeing Tony’s and Thor’s name.
When Carol brought over the bowls, she pulled hers close to her but didn’t pick up the spoon just yet. “I want to stay home from school tomorrow. I am not going to be in any right kind of headspace and one of my professors likes to call people out and put them on the spot, and I might just say something mean if he tries it with me.”
Carol nodded. “That’s fine with me,” she agreed. “And if that professor tries to be an ass about it later, just give me his name and I’ll take care of him. No way in hell I’m letting him jerk you around after this.”
She wouldn’t mind scaring the shit out of someone. It would be a good reason for her to blow off some much-needed steam right now.
“I feel like most of them should be understanding,” Kamala said, picking up her spoon and diving in with it. “I mean they live here so they know. I heard stories from other students though who say they don’t care and since we know it’s a regular occurrence, we should be able to expect it. Nobody who has said that to me, though!” The last bit was added in a rush in order to make sure Carol didn’t go interrogating any of her professors.
Carol’s jaw clenched. She knew anti-Outlander sentiment was out there. This may be a loose version of it, but it applied nevertheless. But to hear that some of these locals were so callous about the losses they experienced in their community – losses nothing like they would ever experience – was infuriating. It was hard to keep her temper in check, but for Kamala’s sake, she managed.
“Well, offer still stands. For any of them that give you shit.”
“I will let you know if they ever say anything,” she said, giving Carol a smile. Truthfully, Kamala probably wouldn’t have minded seeing her challenge authority. Heck, she would have loved to see her deal with the DoDC members who had stormed her community’s mosque. “Maybe… in the next few days, whenever you’re up for it, we can just train together. For the next Fight Club especially? Not this month. I think I need to work on it more.”
“Yeah,” Carol agreed easily. She wasn’t quite up to smiling herself, but she managed a small one in Kamala’s direction. “I’d love that, honey, we can do that. You gotta promise me you’ll stop judging yourself so harshly, though, okay?”
Kamala took a deep sigh. That was not easy to do. But she had a feeling that neither Emmeline or Natasha would want her to do that. Nor would they have wanted her to stop training just because they were gone. Same could be said for Kate.
“I’ll try my best,” she said simply, before taking a bite of ice cream.
Carol nodded, satisfied with that answer for now. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she would do her best to help. Kamala was too good to let her confidence get shaken that way.
“All right, come on. Let’s go cuddle up in the living room. We’ve got some serious couch potato duties to fulfill.”