January 24th, Kate’s official first “Valloversary”, had come and gone without much acknowledgement – on her end, at least. Natasha had still done the big sister thing and woken her up with donuts, a reprieve from training, and cuddles (at Kate’s insistence). Somehow, it had been exactly what she needed to stay out of her head and keep from getting lost in the mixed feelings that kind of anniversary invoked.
Not to say she was unhappy. Her life at home wasn’t one she was eager to go back to – she’d sent her own mother to be locked away in prison awaiting trial at Christmas, something she knew was only going to create tension and discomfort. She’d had potential to settle in with Clint and his family, but she had no idea how that was going to work out (if it was) because she’d been yanked here instead. Vallo had its many faults, but she had made a home here with people she loved beyond words and called family.
But even in the year she'd been here, a lot had changed.
So much of the life she’d led for her first eight months here – in New Asgard, with Mobius and Elsa – had been taken away in one fell swoop when they’d disappeared. She’d found wonderful things as a result: her relationships with her family had really started blooming, distracting her enough to keep from dwelling, and now she had Emily, and she knew they had a big future ahead of them. Still, living through that loss had been tough.
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, her thoughts kept falling back to Elsa. Which wouldn’t usually be a problem – she had told Emily about their relationship, not every detail but all the broad strokes, there were no secrets there – if her mood hadn’t been dipping a little more often than usual. Not frequently but in her quieter moments (which were already rare), she knew it was becoming noticeable. She just didn’t know how to express it or if she should even chance it. She cared about Emily, and she didn’t want anything getting in the way of that.
Her girlfriend was due to come over for the night after her shift at Al’s, and until then, Kate was just killing time, ruminating on her feelings. After dinner, she’d spent a while in her room doing some bow maintenance, then picked up her phone to scroll TikTok. That lasted about five minutes before she slid it back into her pocket and padded down the hall to the living room. The lights were dim, but the glow of the TV made it easy enough to make out one of her favorite people on the couch.
She tiptoed down into the living room and dropped onto the couch beside Natasha, leaving absolutely zero space between them and pressing her face into the crook of her sister’s neck. She was under no illusions that Nat knew she was there despite the dimmed lights and her lack of announcement, so she didn’t bother to go in slowly.
“Hi. Cuddle me, please,” she requested. “I’m needy.”
Kate was about as subtle as a wrecking ball most days, and even when she wasn’t announcing things loudly, Natasha could still read her flawlessly. She’d known that something had been weighing on Kate’s mind, and she also had a pretty good suspicion of what it was. They hadn’t yet reached the point where Nat felt the need to nudge Kate into opening up, so she was content to wait and see if her sister came to her.
She’d been relaxing in the living room with old episodes of Deep Space Nine and a mug of tea when she heard those familiar footsteps in the hallway. She’d already set her tea aside by the time Kate appeared. The proclamation that she was needy drew a small laugh from Natasha.
“I’d never have guessed,” she replied softly, already moving to wrap an arm around Kate’s shoulder to provide the requested cuddles. “Does this mean you’re finally ready to talk about what’s been bothering you?”
“I don’t know,” Kate sighed, shifting to settle more comfortably into Natasha’s side, head against her shoulder. “I guess?” She didn’t know if she was ready, but her heart felt sort of heavy. It was a feeling she’d endured a lot in her life, since losing her dad, and it wasn’t one she liked. “I’m not sure I even know how to explain it.”
Natasha gave Kate’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “We don’t have to talk if you’re not ready yet. I’m here for you regardless.”
With her free hand she reached for the remote control and pressed the volume button. The dialogue between Sisko and Worf faded out and silence filled the room along with the soft flickering of the TV.
“I know.” Kate smiled softly. If there was one thing she’d been certain of from day one in Vallo, it was that she had Natasha in her corner. Even before they’d gotten as close as they were now, she’d always been steady and willing to be leaned on. Trusting her had been one of the easiest choices Kate had ever made.
She was quiet for a moment before she spoke again. “I’ve been thinking about Elsa a lot,” she revealed. “Just… not missing her, really, but remembering. This time last year, we were just starting and…” She pressed her lips together, picking at a loose thread on the edge of her sweatshirt. “Okay, maybe I'm missing her. But I shouldn’t, right? It doesn’t feel like I should.”
“Воробушек.” It was a term of endearment she’d given to Kate early on. It meant little sparrow. Natasha leaned her head against Kate’s and pulled her in closer. “Of course you should miss her. You love her.”
Kate’s chest warmed and she smiled when that little pet name slipped out. She lifted an arm to circle Natasha’s waist, pressing herself into her sister as much as was comfortable like this before looking up at her uncertainly. Nat’s word was as good as gospel for her, but the conflicting emotions still raged on.
“Yeah, I do. I did, I mean.” It was supposed to be past tense, she kept telling herself that. “But she’s gone, and I have Emily now, and I don’t want her seeing me sad over someone else. I don’t want that to hurt her.”
“Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean you have to love her less. You are allowed to love Emily and still love Elsa too. That part of your heart doesn’t just shut off. And I think Emily is mature enough to understand that too. So long as you talk to her about it.”
“Yeahhh,” Kate muttered. Why did Nat always have to be right? It felt mildly unfair that she just seemed to know what to do. Any other day, Kate would probably tease her about wisdom coming with age, but she was still moody right now. “It just…feels unfinished, and that feels unfair to Em, to have something unfinished.”
That was probably an inevitable feeling when someone was pulled out of Vallo in the blink of an eye, no warning. It reminded her uncomfortably of the aftermath of the Snap, that feeling of loss that she couldn’t fix and couldn’t really find closure on either.
“Does it ever feel that way for you? Everything with Carol and Steve?”
Natasha considered the question carefully before answering. “It did a little, when everything first happened. It was messy, and there were a lot of emotions running high on all sides. The difference is that Carol and I still had the opportunity to communicate. I know you don’t have a way to speak with Elsa, but maybe it would help to still speak to her. Say the things out loud that you wish you could say to her.”
Well, there was a thought. “Maybe,” Kate agreed. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t already in the habit of talking to herself at times; shifting it to address a specific person probably wouldn’t be difficult. “I’ll think about it, and I’ll try to talk to Em about it when she gets here. I don’t want her thinking anything bad, you know?”
“Sometimes saying things out loud, even if there is no one around to hear them, can help you process feelings better than just keeping it all bottled up.” Natasha squeezed Kate’s shoulder. “You and Emily will be just fine, I have no doubt.”
“Yeah.” They would be. They weren’t not fine to begin with, but Kate knew better than to think Emily was oblivious to her little bouts of moodiness. “Thank you, Yoda,” she teased, grinning at Natasha and shifting to press their foreheads together, just for a moment. “I hope I’m as wise as you when I’m old.”
“I hope so too. With all the prior head trauma, it could be real dicey.”
“Ha ha,” Kate muttered, pulling back and knocking Natasha playfully with her shoulder. “Just for that, you’re on your own.” She withdrew herself from her sister’s hold and stretched back up to her feet. “Enjoy your space show, nerd.”
“Oh no, not personal space. Whatever will I do?” Natasha grinned and made a small show of fully stretching out on the couch by herself.
“No wonder the cats like you so much,” Kate laughed. She leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to Natasha’s cheek. “Em should be here soon, send her back to my room?”
Natasha leaned into the peck and nodded an affirmative as she grabbed the remote control. “Of course. Love you.”