WHAT: Kate comforts Nat after her Very Bad Day WHERE: Black Widow House WHEN: This evening, several hours after this WARNINGS: Sad feels, Natasha crying STATUS: Complete
Kate’s relationship with Emily was picking up nicely. They were spending a lot of time together – her usual fifty-fifty time split between her sisters and her new girlfriend was skewing a bit more in Emily’s favor, closer to sixty-forty these days – and it was doing her a lot of good. She’d reeled back on the reckless behavior, which she knew Nat was especially pleased about. It had been weeks since Carol had scruffed her like a recalcitrant puppy and saved her from becoming a giant spider’s meal while on Defense duty. She still spent a night or two a week out playing superheroes with Peter or Kamala, and dragged herself out of bed early five days a week to train with Nat, but it was more routine than constant chaos.
She’d spent most of her day off today with Emily at Morningside, watching with amusement and a vague feeling of impending doom as the Christmas craze began hitting her. It was a lot to witness – and this was coming from someone who would easily call Christmas her favorite holiday, despite how the last one she’d been home for had ended up playing out. She had already agreed to let her organize the three of them in decorating the house when the time came, and she was wondering if that was a choice she was going to regret.
By the time they parted ways that afternoon so Emily could get ready for work, she was in a good mood and ready to settle down on the couch for the evening at home. She had her Hulu profile pulled up and a bag of pretzels tucked under the opposite arm when the front door opened and Natasha stepped inside.
“Hey, you,” Kate greeted her with a grin. “I was just thinking about picking up our Community marathon. What do you–” She stopped abruptly when she got a chance to fully take in the sight of her sister. She looked tired but not in a it’s-been-a-long-work-day kind of way. That wouldn’t make sense anyway, she’d been off-shift today, too. That was an emotionally worn look if she’d ever seen it.
“What happened?” she asked, getting up to gently take hold of Natasha’s arm and pull her toward the couch. She knew Nat could be stubborn when she was having a tough time with her feelings, and she wanted to preempt any attempt she made to escape to her room. Sometimes, she needed that, and Kate respected it. Now didn’t feel like one of those times.
After the morning she’d had, Nat was too emotionally battered to put up any sort of fight. In fact, she was actually relieved when Kate tugged her over to the couch. The truth was that she needed to talk to someone, and as Kate was the only one she’d shared her feelings about Carol with, it seemed she was always going to end up here anyway.
She slouched down onto the couch and grabbed one of the soft throw blankets that was folded over the back. As she pulled the blanket over her, Natasha curled herself up - legs folded underneath her, shoulders hunched over. She looked and felt incredibly small.
“I ran into Carol during my workout this morning. I suggested that we try to talk, to get past things. It didn’t go well.”
Oh shit. If Kate had to have guessed, she’d have figured it was something along the Carol lines. She knew Nat had been struggling with those feelings and all their complications a lot lately, even if she’d started brightening with Steve around. Carol was a big, unresolved issue and that situation was bound to come to a head eventually.
She watched as Nat settled with the blanket, frowning at the way she curled into herself. She didn’t like seeing her this way, looking so small and hurt, but it was definitely a sign that this ‘didn’t go well’ was an understatement. Whatever had happened between the two of them must have been awful.
“You wanna talk about it or you wanna eat about it?” she asked, all the while wrapping herself around Natasha, both arms looping around her and tucking her in close against her, dropping a kiss into red hair. She had a tendency to cling to Natasha like an oversized koala bear when she knew she was in a bad place. She was a little taller, longer-limbed, and it felt nice to be able to protect someone who had always protected her in these vulnerable moments.
Natasha had never been the sort to reach for physical touch in times of comfort. It was actively discouraged in the Red Room and so she’d just learned to do without. That had quickly changed the moment Kate Bishop came into her life. While she was a little unsure about it at first, she’d learned to appreciate it for the show of affection that it was. She sighed and leaned her head against Kate.
“Back when we were at home, I had written her a letter. When we were going after the Infinity Stones, I knew there was a chance I might not come home again. So I wrote out my feelings and left it somewhere I knew she would find it. The letter showed up in Vallo this morning.”
Kate’s eyes went wide. That was a hell of a ‘gift’ for Vallo to drop out of nowhere. She knew Natasha didn’t deal in feelings lightly, so if she’d taken the time to write them out, she could only imagine how intense it must be. Part of her wanted to know what she’d said, but that was prying too far. Nat hadn’t been ready to open up to her that much about what her relationship with Carol had been like just yet, so she wasn’t going to push.
“That must have been a lot. I’m sorry,” was her response, one hand stroking across Natasha’s shoulders. It was a little bit noncommittal but sincere. She wanted Nat to know she felt for her and encourage her to go on, get it all out. “So…she was already upset when you saw her, then?”
Nat nodded. “Yeah, I imagine that’s why she’d shown up at the gym. Work out some of the emotions by punching things. I could tell something was off when she showed up, but I didn’t realize it was that. I asked her to talk, hoping we could figure out how to be okay around each other. How to let go of everything we’ve both been holding on to. She didn’t know how, so I did something I knew would work, even though it hurt her. I told her I’d moved on. That I’m seeing someone else now.”
Her head throbbed and Natasha closed her eyes for a moment. The image of Carol backing away from her played on repeat in her mind. The expression on her face and the cold way she’d said “I’m happy for you.” She could feel tears stinging behind her closed eyes and willed them back.
Kate squeezed Natasha tighter, pressing her nose into her hair and just trying to soothe her with a little tight pressure. She could only imagine the heartbreak that would have evoked on both sides of that conversation. She could see why Nat had done it, and she could definitely see why it had hurt Carol to hear it, even in a new relationship of her own. But she knew it must have hurt like hell for Nat to even think of it, never mind say it out loud.
“I’m so sorry,” she murmured again, smearing another quick kiss across her temple. “I don’t know how you do it. You’re so tough for everyone else all the time. I wish you hadn’t had to do that.”
Everything felt jagged and raw. As Kate squeezed her, Natasha finally broke and the tears fell. Even though her chest felt like it was ripping apart, the crying was quiet, restrained. She didn’t make a sound, just buried her face as the tears started to slip down her cheeks.
Kate’s heart felt like it shattered at that moment. She’d seen Nat sad before. She’d seen her down and struggling. That memory update had hit her hard – even without the addition of her feelings for Carol, that had been thirty-odd years of a different lifetime crammed into her head overnight. It hadn’t been easy for her, and Kate had been around enough that she saw it.
But she hadn’t seen her cry. Not once. They’d known each other almost a year now, been close for most of the time, been living together for just a little over three months. Not once had she ever seen her sister cry. And while she hated it, she was relieved to see it at the same time. If there was ever anything worth crying over, it was the insanity of this love triangle (square? polygon? flowchart? whatever it was) that she’d been stuck in and all the layers of pain it was causing.
“I’ve got you.” She tangled one hand tighter into the blanket, where it had been resting on Nat’s shoulders, and the other reached up to stroke through her hair. She wanted to tell her it was going to be okay because she was sure it would be. It had to be. But she knew from experience that could suck to hear even more than soothe. “You don’t have to hold back. I’m right here.”
Wrapped up by both the blanket and her sister, sitting in the home that held the precious few good memories she had from her childhood, Natasha let herself cry. There wasn’t some world-threatening issue knocking at the door, no one needed her, and for once she was just going to let herself feel what she needed to feel.
She wasn’t sure how long they stayed there. With Kate occasionally murmuring soothing reassurances while Natasha let out all the hurt she’d kept bottled up since that morning. But eventually it began to ebb and she felt a little calmer. She wiped her face and leaned over to kiss Kate’s temple. “Thank you.”
They were definitely there for a while, but Kate’s grip never loosened for a second. Nat had been there for her when she was at her lowest point, when she’d felt like being nothing other than a useless lump for days on end after Elsa got sent home. Maybe some part of her felt like this was paying her back – being there for Nat in a love crisis like Nat had been there for her. But it was more than that, too. Natasha and Yelena were her family now, her sisters. She loved them more than anything else in the world, and Nat, especially? She’d have been lost without her.
So, she stayed steady and soothing, hushing both with and without words. She couldn’t take what she was feeling away, but she could be there for her through it all. She intended to be for a long time to come, though she hoped for Nat’s sake she never had to feel this kind of heartbreak again.
She smiled, eyes still shadowed with concern when Nat thanked her with a kiss to her temple. “You’re welcome.” Both hands raised to brush some more of that wetness off Nat’s cheeks before she touched their foreheads together. “I love you so much. Thank you for letting me take care of you.”
Nat was still (if not even more so) completely exhausted, but she still smiled softly at the touch. “You would have done it anyway, but I love you too.” She inhaled deeply and let the air out in a slow, steady stream. “I’m going to put on some sweats, wash my face, and then we can watch Community.”
Kate grinned, a hint of that playful devilishness returning. That was true, she absolutely would have. She’d have wrestled Nat to the ground if she had to. It was clear she’d needed her, and if she’d tried to fight it, Kate would have made sure she got it despite her stubbornness. But she was glad Nat had just let herself be comforted instead.
“Alright, alright,” she agreed, dropping her hands and loosening the whole of her body wrapped around Nat to let her go free. “But don’t leave me waiting long. You know I require cuddles while binge-watching.”
That little grin of Kate’s buoyed Natasha’s spirit. It was hard to stay down around Kate for long. Having been released from the koala grip, Nat rolled her shoulders and stood up from the couch. “Yes, ma’am.”
When she returned several minutes later, she was in her comfiest pair of sweats and her hair had been tied back in a loose braid. She grabbed the blanket once more, but this time she wrapped it around the both of them. “Don’t hog all the pretzels.”
“Wouldn’t dare,” Kate replied, lifting the open (and mostly full, thanks) bag of pretzels to set them in Nat’s lap. She already had the episode they’d left off on up and ready to go, but she snuggled into Nat’s side first, grabbing hold of one arm and lifting it over her so she could hunker down and lay her head over her chest. She was going to be sure to give Natasha as much affection as she could take tonight. She deserved it.
“Let me know if you need a break, okay?” She looked up to level serious blue eyes on Natasha. “I mean it.”
Arm wrapped firmly around Kate’s shoulders, Natasha gave her an affectionate squeeze in response. It really did mean the world to her that she had not only the space and time to let herself be vulnerable now and again, but people who would sit in the trenches with her for as long as she needed.
“I promise.” She used her free hand to mark an X across her heart. She meant it too. For now though, cuddling on the couch and watching sitcoms seemed like a pretty good way to end a very bad day. As Kate hit play and the show began to roll, Natasha rested her chin on the top of Kate’s hair. Carol would be okay she tried to reassure herself one last time before pushing the events of the day further back in her mind.