WHAT: Nat and Carol run into each other at the Mansion and have a painful conversation WHERE: Avengers Mansion training gym WHEN: This morning WARNINGS: Angst and so many sad feels STATUS: Complete
With the timeslip in the rearview mirror, life was back to Vallo’s norm. Her days varied in a predictable sort of way – working, superheroing, curling up on the couch with Emmeline, visiting the Mansion, training with Kamala. They were settled in the new house, filled up with new furniture, painters filtering in and out to brighten the walls of each of the residents.
She was content. Happy. Falling into something like the life she’d hoped for so hard, once upon a time, with Maria and Monica. With Natasha, later on down the road.
That piece was still a struggle. She had made her decision, and she was sticking to it. She loved Emme. She was going to marry her. She was going to have a life with her. That was what she wanted. But Nat said she loved her, and Carol said it back, and it was hard to shove the floodgates closed again when the part of her that had never truly gotten closure just wanted to be there, to take care of her and love her the way she hadn’t truly gotten a chance to before. And though she felt she hid it well, it kept coming back to consume that struggling portion of her mind.
As if she needed a sucker punch to the face, this morning, after she’d made her way upstairs to shower, post breakfast and ushering her girls off to school and work, an all-too-familiar gift had been waiting for her on her bedside table. The letter Nat had left for her before the Time Heist, still folded into the same small square she’d stashed in her pillowcase onboard her ship back home. Reading it made her want to kiss Nat and punch things all at once – not an unfamiliar feeling, even the thousandth time she let her eyes roam the page she had long ago memorized and shoved to the back of her memory with the rest of her time with Natasha.
She couldn’t do the former, but the latter wasn’t out of reach. Of course, there was really only one place that had the kind of structures she needed to punch, the kind that could withstand her strength.
So, off to the Mansion she went.
Making her way to the right floor was ingrained in her now, walked purely on autopilot. Pulling her hair back into a ponytail – God, she was long overdue a cut – and wrapping her hands from the wrist to just beneath her knuckles was no different. It wasn’t until she stepped through the sliding doors into the gym that she realized she wasn’t alone. The sounds of hands thumping against a punching bag were her first indication, and as she went further inside to investigate, there was a flash of red hair and her stomach sank while her heart fluttered.
Figures. My goddamn luck.
“Hey,” she called out, because why wouldn’t she? She tapped the earpods tucked snugly into her ears to pause the low-level music already playing and flashed Natasha a quick grin. “Thought I might have the place to myself at this time of day. Great minds, right?”
Natasha being who she was, had clocked Carol’s arrival immediately, despite being mid-workout. A complicated whirlwind of both good and negative emotions swept through her and her jaw tightened. They’d talked, of course, and the both of them were clear on what would and would not happen. Unfortunately emotions didn’t always get the memo. Natasha shifted her weight and brought her leg up into a roundhouse kick.
As the bag swayed a bit from the force, she brought her arms out to steady it and gave Carol a return smile. “Hey. Yeah.” Memories of past sparring sessions began to ebb at the back of Natasha’s memory and she firmly pushed them away. “Do you want me to clear out?”
“In a gym half the size of a regulation football field?” Carol gestured around them to emphasize her point. “I’m pretty sure we can manage being around each other.”
The gym was huge, clearly set up for more than the ten or so Avengers strolling around Vallo. She could walk fifty feet away to whack at one of the reinforced punching bags Tony had set up for those of them with super strength, and it would be like they were in completely separate universes. That would probably be for the best.
Instead, she said, “Let me know if you wanna spar,” and was immediately slammed with regret. Their sparring sessions in the past, especially when their relationship had shifted beyond just friendship, had usually ended in a way they absolutely couldn’t these days. Might not have been the best thing to bring up in a situation that was already tense.
Okay, yes. Natasha could admit that not being able to share a space this size together did seem a tad dramatic. Still, it was the first time they’d been alone together since that night they’d gotten drinks.
Sparring was definitely off the table. Nat wouldn’t have agreed to it even if she hadn’t seen the instant regret in Carol’s expression. They could go to their separate corners and complete their workouts and go on about their day. Or maybe they could finally get everything out into the open once and for all. To find a way to move past all of this before it brought everything around them crashing down.
“Actually, would you be opposed to talking? We haven’t really had the chance in a while. I can’t help feeling like there’s still some things we need to get out into the open.”
Nat knew her too well, and in this particular moment, when she very kindly sidestepped that offer without comment, Carol was thankful for that. Eventually, she’d get back to a place where she could offer to spar without any regret and without any worry that her mind would wander to more-than-friendly places. They’d had it before, when her only memories were from a different timeline. They’d get back to that place again.
And, as much as she’d prefer to do what she did best and internalize, she knew getting it all out there was the right choice. They’d set their intentions when it first happened, weeks ago now, but the bigger story behind it all had been brushed aside.
She pulled her earpods out, popped them into her pocket, and made a conscious effort not to cross her arms over her chest when she looked down to meet Natasha’s gaze. “Sure,” she agreed, her tone a bit brusque. She considered suggesting they sit, eyeing a weight bench not far away, but sitting in such close quarters probably wouldn’t serve them well. “What’s on your mind?”
There was a point in time where Carol Danvers was one of the people that Natasha was closest to in the world. She had shared parts of herself that she’d only trusted Clint with previously. Now it felt like there was a chasm of space between them and she couldn’t deny that it hurt. Carol’s tone did little to make her feel like crossing it might be easy. She sighed and began unwrapping her hands.
“Us. This.” She used a half wrapped hand to gesture at the space still between them. “I need us to figure out a way to be okay around each other again.”
Even now, Carol considered Natasha one of the people she knew best in the world. Over five years spent sharing everything had made a very big impact, formed something that she was sure, under all the complicated mess, was unbreakable. And Natasha had always been good at reflecting her shit back on her. Just that sigh was enough to make Carol realize she was making this harder than it needed to be.
She stretched each hand, flexing her fingers and forcing a quiet breath in and out. Unfortunately for her, she had her father’s temper sometimes. She would never act out the way he had, never, but there were times when it flared in small ways. This was one of the tactics she used that always managed to set her straight.
“We’re okay, Nat,” she said, and this time, she was more even, more sincere. “It’s never been that we aren’t okay. I just…” She sighed this time, hands settling on her hips. “I buried everything so deeply before you knew that it’s been like a tidal wave ever since. And I haven’t been handling it as well as I should be.”
Natasha noticed the fingers flexing at Carol’s sides and understood the significance of it. She looked away to give her a moment, taking longer than was needed to finish unwrapping her hands. She’d tossed the bandages to the side and when Carol spoke up again, she turned back to face her.
Everything that Carol said made sense. If their situations had been reversed, and she’d had to bury those feelings, she wasn’t sure she’d handle it well either. “I think maybe that’s even more of a reason for us to talk.” She paused and gave the barest of smiles. “I know we’re both pros at it, but we can’t just ignore all of this into submission.”
“Yeah.” There wasn’t going to be any disagreement from Carol there. Ignoring things into submission was her preferred method of coping, but she knew it wasn’t healthy for her, for either of them, in the long run. It felt like it had done a lot more harm than good now.
There was some hesitation before she spoke again. She trusted Nat implicitly – she knew nothing said between them would leave them – but she worried, as much as she may need to get these feelings out, putting them on Natasha wasn’t fair either. It was why she’d held back so far, why she had tried so hard not to push too far or say too much. She had slipped, but she had still exercised a ton of restraint.
“I got your letter today. Vallo dropped it off in my bedroom,” she said quietly. Her gaze dropped to her feet for a moment before returning to Nat, and her arms shifted to fold over her chest – not defiantly but protectively, like she was shielding herself, hands gripping her arms. “I love you. I know we made our decisions, and I don’t regret that. But I don’t know how to bottle that back up now that it’s out there.”
Jesus Christ. They already knew they had bad timing, but Vallo was really just rubbing salt in the wound at this point. Not even salt…this felt more like acid. It was only with a monumental effort that Natasha managed to keep the pain off her face when she heard that. She remembered every word she’d written, remembered tucking it away instead of just going to Carol and saying it to her face. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply through her nose.
“Maybe,” Natasha opened her eyes again to see Carol’s arms wrapped around herself. “Maybe it isn’t about bottling things up. Bottling them up just means they’re still there. I think what’s going to be better for everything in the long run is to find a way to let them go instead.”
“How?” It was out of Carol’s mouth before she could put in any thought. That was what she’d been struggling with this whole time, the how. Because Natasha was right – of course she was right. Her discussion with Pepper shortly after this had all happened and everything had shifted had made it clear that was her only choice: let it go.
Unfortunately, letting things go was so much easier said than done. It was a lot to ask Natasha to have all the answers, but Carol was stuck. She loved Emmeline, that should be enough to simplify everything. But breaking that hold her feelings for Nat had on her heart was starting to seem impossible.
How? It was a valid question. It wasn’t like either of them had a handy feelings switch that they could turn off. Natasha rolled her shoulders and linked her hands together on top of her head. She blew out a puff of air as she ran the possibilities over in her mind. There was one thing that might help Carol, and ultimately the both of them. It probably wouldn’t go over well at first, and Natasha already felt terrible about it. Given that Carol had just gotten her letter again, it felt more cruel than necessary.
She dropped her arms back down to her sides and looked at Carol again. As she did so, she realized some pain now would prevent a lot more later on. “I’m with Steve now.” She and Carol would always have a special connection with one another, she was sure of that. But she and Steve had one too. And being with him made her happy in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time.
“I wanted to find a better way to tell you that, but maybe this is the way it has to be in order to help. He makes me happy, and Emmeline makes you happy. And I think we just have to refocus on that. Because the rest of this is just making us both miserable.”
Natasha stepped forward. There was still space between them, but she needed Carol to see the sincerity on her face.
Instinctively, Carol stepped back.
She would feel bad about that later, she was sure. Natasha wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was allowed to see other people. Carol had no claim on her, even if her heart screamed otherwise. Nat was being honest with her, and under ordinary circumstances, she would appreciate that. Even now, somewhere in the very back of her mind, she appreciated it. And she was right: Emme made Carol happy. There was no one in this godforsaken place that made her happier. Nat deserved to feel like that, too.
But it still cut deeply. Hearing ‘I’m with Steve now’ – it was still a slap in the face. A gut punch. A bucket of icy water poured over her head. It was effective, she’d give Nat that much. It was the right choice to make, for both of them, a smart plan to get Carol to come to grips with the reality in front of her. She stopped breathing, just for a second while her mind reeled, and when she started up again, the world had tilted on its axis.
Just this morning, she’d sat on her bed and read the letter back again. Holding that worn paper in her hands again, it had all felt so fresh in a way it shouldn’t have. She could practically hear the words, in Natasha’s voice, echoing in her brain.
I love you. I've loved you for so long and with a ferocity I didn't even know I was capable of.
Even when you are light-years away. I can always feel you here.
“You’re right,” were the first words that finally left her, wavering and tense. She nodded, trying to hold herself together when she felt on the brink of breaking. “Yeah. Refocus. We need to refocus.” She forced her mouth into a smile, one she knew was fully unconvincing. “I’m happy for you.”
That was an obvious lie. No, she wasn’t. Not even close. And that was fucked up and unfair, and Nat could very well choose to hate her for it. Maybe she would. Maybe it would be better that way.
She wanted to hit things more right now than she had when she’d come here, but she’d have to do something else. Find a mountain, beat it up, screw what the crazy teenage environmentalists thought. God, she wished more than ever that Stephen was here – for his wisdom, his shoulder to lean on, for the Mirror Dimension at his fingertips; he would know she needed it. She missed him so much.
“Well. I should go.” She looked at Nat one last time, fingers digging roughly into her upper arms, before she turned on her heel. She strode right back out of the gym before she could say anything more she’d regret.
From the second that Carol stepped away from her, Natasha knew exactly how the rest of it would play out. She braced herself and accepted the icy response. She took it all in stride and swallowed the guilt that accompanied it. This is what Carol needed to move forward again instead of being stuck in their past.
She wanted to say something more, but it quickly became clear that Carol was done with the conversation. Natasha watched her go, only allowing the hurt to creep into her features once Carol had disappeared back through the door. She pressed her lips together and looked up to blink back some tears. After a moment to regain her composure, Natasha headed directly toward the computer panel on the wall. A few keystrokes from her and the last twenty minutes of footage from the room’s cameras were deleted.
With a sigh, Natasha moved to clean up her things and head back home.