WHO: Adam and Ronan Lynch WHAT: Enjoying the wind down time post-Adam's birthday! WHEN: Sunday, July 3rd (backdated) WHERE: In the pond, at the Barns WARNINGS: Lots of schmoop STATUS: Complete!
Ronan was feeling pretty good about his husbandry - even if he was sure he would get squinted at for using that word in reference to his husband and not his farm. Still, Adam's birthday party had gone off well. The slide hadn't been so tall as to turn Adam's adrenaline junkie high into an acrophobic plunge. And the heat had mellowed into a normal summer day, sun-soaked and relaxing.
The party-goers were gone now, and the sun was gone too. The sky was deepening into black.
Ronan was sprawled out on a pool lounger in his twenties-era bathing suit. It was black too, but the hip had rainbow stripes on it so that he sort of matched the ridiculous rainbow denim speedo he'd had to dream for Adam. It hadn't been real denim, of course. He loved harassing Adam but not actually torturing him.
With that thought in mind, he reached out to pull Adam's lounger closer to him. "So. How does it feel to be one year closer to a senior discount?"
Adam had not, in fact, taken off the speedo. At some point, he had thrown on a pair of shorts over them for food, and cake, and a hilariously embarrassing trip down the mega-slide into a ball pit that involved him squeezing his eyes shut and maybe—maybe—letting out a small startled shout followed by a whoop of joy. But now back in the quietness of the pond, with the darkening sky and only Ronan floating beside him, the speedo didn't seem so bad. The day also had not been so bad.
One day, Adam wasn't going to compare them, his birthdays. He wouldn't dread a particular day in July. And now that he was reclining in a donut-shaped inner tube, he realized that once the party had actually started and Ronan had provided enough distraction that Adam hadn't worried a single moment. The past had stayed firmly in the past. His husband was a sneaky, charming bastard.
Despite the multiple sunscreen slatherings, the warmth had still baked Adam all day, and he was content to fall asleep right here on the water, sun-sapped. But before he could properly doze, the pull from Ronan had his eyes fluttering open, and grinning in a healthily tired sort of way.
"How does it feel to be married to someone who is one year closer to a senior discount? Next thing you know we'll be watching our stories, eating dinner at five, and going to bed at eight," Adam said, then seemed to reconsider the statement. "Don't give me shit and say I do some of that already. I fell asleep at eight once."
Ronan adored that particularly grin. Adam had always been one step above exhausted when they met, but miserably exhausted. Worn out and worn thin, and mistreated daily. Happy tired was so much better. Happy, tired, and with nowhere to be but their shared bed, whenever they felt like heading that way.. It didn't get much better than that. Ronan could buy Adam a million gifts and they would never come close to a relaxed day with people who loved Adam and wouldn't willingly hurt him for any reason.
"Once is a slippery slope, Lynch," Ronan laughed, resting his head back against the float beneath him. "Shit, are we soap opera seniors? Is that what I signed up for? I thought we were the old farts who sit on the porch and yell at kids for stepping on their grass. And then eventually the kind that slowly chase each other around the old folks home in our wheel chairs." He splashed Adam lightly with a flick of his fingers through the water. "Your lawyer money should get us into a really swanky one."
"My lawyer money is going to pay for swanky at home care so we can continue yelling at kids to get off our lawn well into your nineties and race around our own porch," Adam said, without missing a beat. He mimicked Ronan's pose on his own tube, and didn't even flinch when he had flicked water at him. There was very little that was going to get Adam to move out of this spot, and he figured about half of those options involved Ronan tipping him into the pond and Ronan didn't look like he was moving either.
Adam rolled his head to one side, which was far louder when his barely-clad body was rubbing against rubbery plastic, and squinted in Ronan's direction. "I wouldn't be surprised if the kids in this yelling scenario are our own." Normally that sentiment might have caused Adam to freeze up, choke on his own words, but mentioning their future family didn't feel so terrifying, much like his birthday didn't.
He reached across to Ronan's hand, and tangled their fingers together, like a tether so he didn't float away. "This was a good birthday. You're going to outdo yourself one of these days."
Adam may not have frozen up mentioning their future kids, but Ronan felt his heart clench. It wasn't a bad feeling though. It was the opposite. Primarily when it occurred to him that Adam hadn't stumbled over the moment at all. Ronan's mouth shaped into a loose smile and he caressed Adam's hand with his thumb. It might've been easy to get lost staring at their entwined hands and letting the warmth of the day drain from his slack body, but he still felt wired with the buzz of a good day and the praise his husband gave him now.
"Or maybe our kids will outdo me," he murmured, watching Adam's face. "No way Nora skipped the competitive shithead gene." It felt nice to say her name, like it always did. He'd avoided it for a while. Seemed like a good way to spook Adam. But since they were married now and Adam was the one bringing their kids into the conversation all on his own, it was probably safe. Ronan was only a little scared and it had nothing to do with Adam's skittishness about kids. Watching people disappear who had grown kids show up just like Nora had, now that had unsettled him. But he supposed if that kind of thing was going to happen, it would happen whether he spoke fondly of his future daughter or not.
"She probably got it twice as bad," he smirked. "Poor Gansey."
Adam turned his face to the twilight sky, and let out a soft, low laugh, as he imagined the idea of their kids having a birthday competition with Ronan. Part of Adam, strangely and uncharacteristically, didn't bristle at the thought. Perhaps it was because he knew that somewhere in the future, things would be different. Better. He wasn't looking for an escape anymore; he was looking for a place where he could live and exist, wholly himself. And maybe next year, his birthday might still be a negotiation, but that didn't mean it would be, always.
He echoed the fond caress Ronan had given him, hand-in-hand, like another contact point of communication. How often they could say so much with so few words. But Adam spoke it aloud anyway, because he knew Ronan needed that as well. "Maybe she will, but only because you and I are going to be competitive shitheads about her birthday. I want her to have good ones. Shit, not just good, great ones. Something she looks forward to every year."
Pulling Ronan's hand closer, Adam pressed a hasty kiss to his knuckles. Their floating was inching toward precarious tipping into the pond. "I'll need her help though, because some assholes decided to get married on one of their birthdays," Adam teased. "Kind of hard to outdo that, but we'll think of something."
"Good thing those assholes got married so young, huh?" Ronan pulled on Adam's hand, bumping their floats together and make the pond water undulate around them. "Plenty of time to figure it out. And make every birthday fucking awesome."
With that as the only warning, Ronan yanked harder and pulled them both into the water. He came up from under the surface grinning, treading water and trying to tangle his legs with Adam's at the same time. It was awkward but it made him think of a dozen cheesy romance movies that he secretly kind of loved.
"She'll look forward to a lot more than just birthdays, you know. You get it now, right?' He reached out to cradle Adam's neck and press closer. "You're gonna be a great dad. That's what I get to look forward to."
Ronan had beat him to it, shithead competitiveness at its finest. Despite preparing to pull Ronan into the water with him, Adam was still surprised when his inner tube flipped and he went crashing into the pond, all awkward flailing limbs. Adam came back up a beat after Ronan did, and spit a sad dribble of pond water at him in retaliation.
His smile only faltered because Ronan caught him off guard, not because he hated the idea. He had started this conversation after all.
"Ronan, I—" Adam started, feeling immediately overwhelmed. He had never been more thankful to be buoyed in the pond and not trying to stay standing. He closed his eyes against Ronan's touch, above and below the water. "I'm taking it one step at a time. Birthdays first. It's how I plan, piece by piece, brick by brick, until it forms into this intangible thing. It makes sense to me, even if it sounds—I know how it sounds."
Adam was going to leave it at that but realized he never answered Ronan's question. "I do get it. Future Adam is going to be a great dad, but present day Adam still can't seem to accept a gift without making a face. You might have to wait to look forward to it for a while," Adam said, nudging Ronan's leg with his toes.
"It sounds like you overthinking it," Ronan grunted. He didn't sound mad about it, just resigned to Adam being harder on himself than anyone else in the world. "But you wouldn't be you if you didn't so…I can wait." Shrugging, Ronan flashed a crooked smile and dipped down under the water so only his eyes were above the surface. He looked like a crocodile, waiting on his dinner.
He got a mouthful of water and fired it at Adam's cheek with a lot more force than Adam's weak attack a few moments before.
"It was good though, right?" Insecurity trickled up under Ronan's words; he didn't think it was obvious but it may as well have been a neon sign for Adam. "Your birthday?"
When Ronan ducked low in the water, Adam gave him a knowing look, one that said, don't you dare. He knew that it was pointless, and squeezed his eyes shut against the spray, quickly splashing back blindly in retaliation.
But when he opened his eyes again, face dripping with pond water, Adam saw that expression. Adam knew he hadn't made it easy; his own hangups with birthdays were deep-rooted, complicated, and an ongoing work in progress. But Ronan's ability to listen to his concerns and not find it exhausting or inconsequential meant everything. How did Adam make him understand?
He ducked low, so that only his head was above the water, and he reached for Ronan. "It sounds like you're overthinking it," Adam said, not unkindly. He bumped his nose with Ronan's. "You don't have to worry. The slide, the float area, the food, all of it was, shit, perfect, Ronan. I'd do it all again, if I could, and not change a thing. Except maybe dunk you first, but I can work on that for next year."
Adam kissed Ronan, then—firm but sweet. "You'd know if I had a bad time. As long as I'm with you, it's never going to be a shitty birthday."
Ronan closed his eyes at the nose graze and swallowed down the nerves that had lodged in his throat without his permission. There was no reason to doubt that Adam was happy - and he didn't. He saw it every day. He'd seen it every smile and laugh and adrenaline-soaked shout that day, specifically. There was just a part of his brain that was damaged by loss. Maybe permanently. This tiny little whisper of worry snuck up on him some days, even when things were good. Especially when things were good.
Was it good enough to stay for? Was he good enough to stay for?
"Fuck, I am overthinking shit," he admitted, roughly. He didn't apologize, just coiled his arms around Adam and pressed kisses to his bare shoulders. "I'm gonna blame the sun. And all the ball action." He was referring to the giant slide into the ball pit, of course, but his shithead smirk was still present. It helped get some of his equilibrium back. That and all the skin-to-skin contact.
"I'm glad it was good," Ronan said quietly. "But mostly I'm just grateful for you. For us. This stupid pond we built. All of it."
He hummed along in agreement, murmured a repeating all of it, all of it, Ronan, more than content to let Ronan pepper him with kisses, and fall back into the hazy, half-awake happiness that had been circling him for the better part of the afternoon and evening. He curled around Ronan, holding on to him like a lifeline in the water.
Eventually, he added, "Sun makes you overthink things, got it. Added it to my mental catalog of shit to remember. That seems like it's going to be a problem considering all the work you do outside is in the sun." Adam went to kiss his cheek, but unsteadily bobbing in the water caused him to miss and catch the sharp cut of Ronan's jaw instead.
"But speaking of ball action," Adam said, and then proceeded to do a complicated dance under the surface of the murky pond, breaking loose, momentarily, of Ronan's arms. Out of the water came Adam's hand, along with the denim and rainbow speedo. "My balls have seen enough action in this to last me a lifetime." He flung it, and the swimsuit hit with a wet slap on the tiny dock. The look Adam gave Ronan after that said, you next.
Ronan sputtered the start of a shut up, Lynch, when his plan evaporated in the smoking hotness of Adam stripping naked. In public. Okay, so it was a very private kind of public but still. It set fire to Ronan's nerve endings and made him gargle water in a rush to peel off the old-fashioned swimsuit he was wearing.
The suit made a much louder slap than Adam's tiny speedo when it hit the dock.
"God I hope our friends are fucking smart enough to stay away from the pond tonight," Ronan laughed, reaching for Adam with greedy hands. "Oh, uh…before we…" He paused, finding a spot to stand up enough that he didn't have to tread water. "Shit, I don't know if it really counts as a gift for you, but I did something and I just wanted to show you."
It was a little dark, but the moon was rising bright on the pond water so he figured it was good enough. He undid the leather straps on his wrist and underneath, where usually there were just old scars of his brush with death, now there were vines and leaves that matched those on Adam's ribs. It didn't fix the broken part of him that had sent monsters after himself, but it felt good looking at it. Like that part of him was held comfortably in the heart of the man he loved.
Adam's face was doing a series of emotional gymnastics—confusion, curiosity, soft amusement. They were seconds away from pressing their bodies up against each other and not pulling apart for a long time, but for Ronan to stop meant this was important. And Adam kept glancing at Ronan's face to discern what was happening and to his body to see whatever he could possibly show him with no clothes on.
His chest tightened considerably at seeing the reveal. Adam's fingers had slipped enough times underneath those bands as a gesture of comfort and security. The most intimate kind of contact, to tell Ronan that he saw the horror that brought these tangible reminders, but that Adam knew, and still he chose Ronan. And now to have his mirrored tattoo across those scars felt, it felt so much.
Like an emotion that Adam had never felt before and always felt at the same time. Like every flaw and strength was being exposed. Like it was the closest to the physical embodiment of love for one another. Like being known, so wholly.
Adam reached for Ronan's wrist and brought it immediately to his lips to kiss the scars, the tattoo. "Ronan, Ronan, I love it, it's—" Adam's voice was rough as he pulled away only to draw Ronan him into a rough kiss. "Tamquam."
It had only occurred to Ronan that this might get received badly after he'd exposed the tattoo. Which was probably for the best. He wasn't much for planning ahead and he wasn't sure what the plan would've been if Adam had gotten upset about Ronan permanently altering his body to match Adam's. It was a relief anyway when Adam kissed his wrist and spoke with all that emotion tangled up in his words.
Ronan kissed back, forcefully enough that he slipped on the muddy bottom of the pond and had to cling to Adam to keep upright.
"Alter idem," he whispered. They might've been naked in a pond but the emotion was as transparent as his wedding vows. Breathless, warm, a little giddy with the shock of feeling so goddamn lucky.