WHO: Shiro & Keith WHAT: Trading I love yous inside the Black Lion leads to a surprise that's been building for a while WHEN: August 27th WARNINGS: None that I can think of. Mostly fluff. STATUS: Complete
Shiro was a little tense. He didn’t especially realize it, but that was commonplace when Shiro was tense. His default was to keep working, do what he had on his docket, and then inevitably pick up more tasks along the way. But as their team was only on call today and it had been a quiet day, he left the office at lunch and headed out to the Castle of Lions.
His plan had been to reevaluate the security measures he’d added in the last year, see if there was anything that was redundant so he could hand off equipment to Keith without it being a big deal. It felt like it might be a big deal anyway, but he had to try. He didn’t like the feeling that had been following him around since their chat. He didn’t want things between them to feel transactional. He didn’t want Keith feeling beholden to anyone. But also, the idea of Keith’s restless energy manifesting in a million tasks reminded him too much of his own tendency to overwork when he didn’t want to think about things.
“How are you doing, big guy?” Shiro patted the Black Lion’s console like he was giving a friend a pat on the back. There wasn’t an answer in words, but there was a feeling that settled in his gut. A familiar one.Restlessness. He sat back in the pilot’s chair with a huff. “You two are killing me. I know this isn’t ideal, but we can find something to keep you feeling fulfilled here. It just might take a little time.”
Transactional. That was exactly the word that made sense of how Keith saw life. He had only known his father and their life in the cabin up until the age of nine and then it had been off to foster care, where everyone always wanted something for any kindness they might have shown Keith. Up until Shiro, that’s just how life was. You wanted something, you had to earn it, you had to return any favor you had bestowed on you. Want a family to adopt you? Smile pretty, keep your head low, make no trouble, do all the chores they give you. You wanted the school bully to stop harassing you? You gave them whatever lunch money you could scrounge together and kept it moving.
Up until Shiro, he didn’t know how to be cared about without conditions. Not since his dad. He ventured to guess there was love in there too, but he didn’t want to assume, didn’t want to take too much when it hadn’t been expressly given. Because the transactional nature of life...those habits, that giving and taking in equal measure, still hadn’t left him, not when it came down to it. Being a part of Voltron, having the universe at stake, had tempered those habits and feelings for awhile, but this conversation with Shiro had brought it all back up and had him scrambling to explain it in a way that didn’t sound crazy.
He had been feeling weird too, since his conversation with Shiro, but he tried not to let the anxious feeling that plagued him since then get to him. It failed, spectacularly, so he had spent a bit of time running with Kosmo in the forest until his head quieted. Something at the edge of his brain poked at him, growled at him, but he pushed it away, not ready to give into whatever it was. Instead, he took a shower and changed into a fresh set of clothes, before setting off in the direction of the Castle of Lions. It only took two Waypoints to get there and when he did, with Kosmo at his side, he hesitated at the entrance of the Castle.
Keith had no doubt that Shiro would try to talk about the weird way they had left their conversation. Did he want that? Sighing and running a hand through his hair, he squared his shoulders. It didn’t matter if he wanted it or not, Keith definitely didn’t want to let things stay weird between them. Not when there were so many other things they could be doing that were less stressful. He could face whatever he was about to walk into.
He made his way down to the bay that held Black and he wasn’t too surprised to see it empty save for the Lion. Something innate told him that Shiro was in Black though, so he didn’t call out for him, simply made his way inside and found Shiro in the pilot’s seat.
Keith was helpless and couldn’t stop the fond smile that made its way onto his face at the sight of the other man. “Hey.”
Shiro very nearly sensed Keith's approach. It was likely just feedback from Black knowing Keith was climbing into the cockpit, but it felt noteworthy. It felt like something. Shiro tried not to focus on it, because the more he did, the more it faded.
He spun the pilot's chair to face Keith. It was good seeing him here, in this space. It felt right.
"Hey," Shiro smiled softly. "I'm not talking to myself, I promise. Black's got the itch to get moving and I'm trying to settle him down." His eyes tracked over Keith, noting the change of clothes from the morning and damp ends of his hair. He reached out to take Keith's hand and pull him closer to the chair. "You...look like you probably smell really good right now." To confirm it, he pressed his face into Keith's chest since it was eye level with him currently. He hummed a pleased noise and coiled his arms around Keith's waist. Tension oozed out of his shoulders. No matter what weirdness they needed to sort out; this was always where he felt at home.
Huffing out a laugh over the top of Shiro's head, Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro's shoulders, cradling his boyfriend's head against his chest. He didn't waste time plopping his chin down on the soft white hair that was under his face and he sighed happily, breathing in the smell that was uniquely Shiro. It was that smell that always made him feel like he was coming home.
"Went for a run. Didn't want to stink up the cockpit, so I jumped into the shower before coming here," he murmured, fingers digging into the hair that was at the back of Shiro's skull. He dropped a kiss on the top of his head with a smile. Yeah, whatever weirdness they had between them from the earlier conversation wasn't there anymore, but mostly because Keith was so focused on how loved he was feeling.
He normally didn't have doubts about their relationship, not since right before they had gotten together. If he had, they would be gone any time he was around Shiro and felt the unquestionable care and dedication coming from the other man. But still, they had to recognize and fix whatever it was that had made their earlier conversation uncomfortable. So Keith took a deep breath and pulled away enough so he could tilt Shiro's chin up toward him and see his face properly. "Sorry I upset you earlier. I didn't mean to. Of course you can help with the cabin in any way you want. It's for us, not just me."
Shiro stroked his hands up Keith's back and stayed there until Keith initiated pulling away. His hands drifted to Keith's waist. He gave a quiet shake of his head. It was tempting to just push back in and stay pressed against Keith's chest a while longer but Shiro wasn't one to avoid important things.
"It's okay. I...Upset is a strong word," he murmured, offering an apologetic smile in return. "I was more concerned. I don't want you to feel pressured to have me involved in every part of your life. You should have things that are yours. I just...don't like the idea of you keeping track of what people do for you like you're constantly in debt." He kept his chin tilted up, locking his eyes on Keith's face. "I don't think you'd want people feeling in debt to you for every kindness you do them, right?"
Keith’s hands stayed clasping Shiro’s face between them, thumbs soothing circles into his cheeks and pinkies pressed against Shiro’s neck. It was a grounding weight that kept him from losing focus on the topic at hand. “You’ve never pressured me to do anything in my life, Except for maybe challenging me to do better, be better,” Keith said, smiling lopsidedly. Their Garrison days had a lasting impression on Keith and how he conducted his life now, but there was this obligation, this sense of fair is fair that he still couldn’t shake.
But for Shiro, he would try.
His smile dropped and Keith felt a little guilty as he looked away, focusing on the space between them instead. It was the space that he spoke at, but it was Shiro that he was speaking to. “I know I wouldn’t want anyone thinking that they owed me anything, but it’s a hard thing to shake. Until the Garrison, everyday was a day I had to be thankful for. For the food I had, for the clothes on my back, for whatever foster home I was tossed in next. Someone’s kindness let me have those things and I made sure that I didn’t owe them for it. I get it’s kind of fucked up, but I guess I didn’t realize I was doing that until you pointed it out.”
"I'm not sorry about challenging you," Shiro smirked, curling his hands around the back of Keith's thighs to pull him closer. "You took a few slightly cheesy talks about patience and living up to your potential and made yourself a galactic hero." He may have believed there was greatness in Keith before Keith could see it, but Keith still did all the work as far as Shiro was concerned. Everytime Keith argued otherwise, Shiro would stick to his guns. He frowned though, as Keith's gaze dropped. The expression softened at the explanation.
"I...I can't pretend to know how it felt to grow up the way you did. Or how it would have affected me if I had." He reached up to cradle Keith's face with one hand, trying to get his gaze to lift again. Black rumbled in the back of his brain. Questioning. Reaching. "Was it less of an issue with Voltron? Or...has anything happened here to bring that feeling back to the forefront?"
If nothing else, Keith was stubborn and he would argue to death if he had to. Thankfully, with Shiro, it was less of an argument and more about offering a different perspective. He never felt like he had to bulldoze his way to a point with Shiro because his boyfriend was always willing to listen. Letting Shiro direct his gaze, he met his eyes head on. His eyes were slightly watery, but he powered through all the emotion he was feeling.
"Until you," he admitted because it hadn't been the Garrison, it had always been Shiro that had inspired change in him. "Until you," he started again, trying to get to the point before he lost his nerve. "No one cared enough to inspire me to change, to give me a reason to try and be better. I was ready to fill the role of the outsider, be the bad kid they always thought I was. So you may think it was just some cheesy talks and me taking them to fruition, but you've always been my catalyst, Shiro. You gave me a reason to change my stars."
There may have been a little bit of hero worship when he had been younger - how could there not be? Shiro had been the Garrison's Golden Boy and the surrounding communities knew it from the multiple press tours they paraded him around on. But for Keith, Shiro had represented more than just the ideal to aspire to. He had represented a new life, one where he could make a difference. And in the end, they had. Voltron had let them both change the universe in a lasting way.
But the give and take of life, that hadn't left him throughout it all. With Voltron, it had been a lot less obvious because the greater war had sort of taken priority over any one individual involved with it. Keith had felt like he was giving his life to it and he would have, several times over if other options hadn't been presented, and that had been enough to fill the obligation.
With Vallo, though, there was no higher purpose to obscure Keith's sense of fairness. "I guess without a higher calling here, I sort of fell back to keeping score so that my taking up space wasn't just that, that I was never just a burden. I need to feel like I'm contributing, like I'm pulling my weight and not taking advantage of everyone's kindness." And, finally getting down to the brass tacks of it, he was able to explain something that had been unspoken for so long, "Without Red, without Black...it's not so easy. Losing those connections made me feel like I lost my purpose. That I'm not needed anymore. So I have to figure it all out on my own now, how to contribute instead of just taking. I guess that's why I keep trying to find things to fill my time. Maybe something in those working hours will let me feel like I'm not taking up space, that I'm not useless.."
Shiro's eyebrows rose, his eyes going soft and round. It wasn't like he couldn't have guessed all of this, but hearing Keith say it all meant something more. It was vulnerability and feeling safe enough to talk about these kinds of things. The Keith Shiro had met all those years ago had been understandably guarded. The man in front of him now was strong and secure enough to admit he felt lost. It filled Shiro with so much emotion, he felt like they were firing off into space.
"Keith." Shiro stood, caressing his hands up Keith's arms as he moved, then leaving them to rest cupped loosely around his neck. "I know that feeling. I won't belittle it. And I know I can't fix it for you. That has to be a path you find for yourself." He moved his hands to Keith's face, grasping him firmly. He was looking down at Keith now, just because of the height difference, but he ducked his head to lock eyes. "But I need you to know you have never been useless. You will never be just taking up space. You're a person, you have value. More than that, you have the heart of a paladin, even without a Lion. People will always need you. I'll always need you."
He leaned down to press a kiss to the corner of Keith's mouth and breathed fierce words close to his skin. "I love you, Keith."
A surge of raw emotion flooded his system, threatening to shut him down. He blinked rapidly to clear the sudden wetness in his eyes that was going to spill over into actual tears if he allowed them to. It had been a long time since he had heard those words. He couldn’t even remember the last time he heard them. The only other person to say them was his dad and he had probably heard them that fateful day he didn’t return home. Keith couldn’t actually remember his father saying the words, but he imagined he must have because he always did when he left the house. He had enough memories of his dad’s love to know he had loved him.
Keith had plenty of memories of Shiro taking care of him, protecting him, watching over him to know that his boyfriend must love him too. There had been a hundred different ways for Shiro to say I love you without actually saying those words. But Keith had never actually heard the words before now and to hear them verbalized...it was a lot. So much so that he threw his arms around Shiro and buried his face into the other man’s chest so he couldn’t see how affected he was by this declaration. When he could pull himself together enough to not be a blubbery mess, he pulled his face away just far enough that he leaned up to press a messy kiss to Shiro’s lips. “I love you too, Shiro. Always have.” The words were pure happiness. Whatever irrational worries he had about Shiro not loving him back were gone.
He would have stayed clinging to Shiro longer, but the moment he finally let his insecurities leave him, Black made his presence known and let out a roar, pleased by this new connection Shiro and Keith were allowing to get stronger between them. Keith pulled back, eyes wide, when that insistent prodding at his mind from earlier returned with a vengeance and he felt that connection he used to have with Black come back, stronger than ever. But he didn’t just feel Black. He felt Shiro too. “Do you feel that?” His voice was hushed, startled by this newness.
Shiro wrapped his arms around Keith's shoulders and pressed his cheek to Keith's hair. Maybe he squeezed a little too hard, but he didn't think anyone would blame him. Keith was practically shaking with emotion. Shiro would've had to have been a very different person to not react to that. His own eyes were a little damp and his smile bloomed as Keith said it back. This was much better than words gasped while under attack.
Black roared his agreement and it felt like something opened inside of Shiro. A door cracked. He looked around the cockpit, like it might give him some answers.
"I feel it. I…" He wasn't entirely sure what he was feeling but he had a guess. He kept one hand on Keith and reached the other for the console. It lit up in dancing lights, Black's essence like a warm heat at the back of his mind. Shiro breathed out a shaky laugh and let go of Keith to turn the pilot chair towards him. "Keith...why don't you sit down."
There was some hesitation on Keith’s side because he felt like he was overstepping his place. But the presence in his mind that was Black shaped nudged him, encouraged him to trust Shiro and what he was directing him to do. He stepped forward toward the chair, the one he hadn’t been in for months now, which had, up until now, felt like not his own anymore.
He let out a shuddery breath, one hand going to the armrest, which he gripped for a long moment. Then he finally sat, doing what he had been wanting to do this whole time. The connection between all three of them - him, Black, and Shiro - pulsed bright purple in his mind’s eye and he felt his body tingle all over as it washed over him.
This felt like home.
He was openly crying now, but the tears were joyful and full of gratitude to be allowed back in. “Thank you,” he murmured to Black, as he leaned back into the backrest behind him. “I missed you.” And before he could overthink it, he reached up to pull Shiro onto his lap. “Thank you too.” He said, nuzzling up into his neck. “I didn’t realize how much I needed this in my life until it was gone again.”
"Oh wow." It was a relief that Shiro could still feel Black. He'd have sacrificed his connection for Keith if Black wanted it, no question. Just hearing Keith talk about the loss and knowing he himself had survived that disconnect once already had made part of him want to offer up his link right then. But he wasn't entirely that selfless. Not about this. So the moment Shiro recognized Black had linked them both made him blow out a trembling breath.
He was reaching to put a hand on Keith's shoulder when he got the gut feeling Keith was about to thwart his plan. He laughed as he was tugged into the seat and he curled his human arm around Keith's shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple. "This is all you, Keith. As someone who loves you--" Now that he'd said it, he imagined he was going to be annoying about it for a while. "--I get why he couldn't resist your pull." He pressed his Altean hand to the console, watching as it lit up in harmonious response to Black's energy.
"Thank you from me too," Shiro smiled. "We'll uh...have to figure out what exactly this means but...I'm looking forward to finding out."