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Tweak says, "Hell is other people in heaven"

p . harkiss (eveningstars) wrote in valesco,
@ 2016-12-29 16:03:00

Entry tags:

adian rosenberg, arista sykes, arthur griffiths, benedito torres, bess fawcett, caradoc dearborn, caramel flume, dashiell ellerby, derek dobbs, drystan fawcett, eleanor podmore, elliot alderton, ellsinore alderton, ethan jordan, gabriel corner, group, hestia jones, howell williams, iris tutley, jake bexley, joaquín chambers, kendrick shacklebolt, kera ryan, larkin whitby, llewyn towler, louis bonaccord, matthew summerby, maximus fancourt, melania comstock, mina dippet, nicodemo penrose, nona pepper, octavius pepper, oliver comstock, penelope fawcett, perses burke, phillipa kiely, poe harkiss, rachel corner, rami dagworth, regan shacklebolt, rupert brookstanton, sage yates, saoirse mullet, siena orpington, sturgis podmore, theodosia grimstone, valeda harkiss-jordan, vivienne lufkin, wells dippet, willa montague, zayn shafiq

NEW YEAR'S EVE! OPEN TO ALL!

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HELLO

vivantes
2017-01-02 10:45 pm UTC (link)

"How would you feel?----How would you feel? How would you feel---Rubbish, rubbish!"

Vivienne scratched the line out with an aggravated huff. Dialogue was proving to be the most difficult part of the writing process and she wondered how the thought had not occurred to her sooner. You didn't write fiction without dialogue! Well, she supposed she could, but an omnipresent narrator was rather difficult to control with the quill, especially for her first outing into the book-writing business. If she could even call it that; what did you call writing down snippets, vignettes of a story whose beginning and end you did not know?

Her journal had become a sanctuary for this development and she shut it and opened it again to try and rewrite the line, but once again it didn't sound right and she closed it once more. Vivienne sat back against the bench in the small park, knowing that her bouncing about and distraction tactics had to do with nerves, but she tried to keep herself collected, and cool, and composed.

Even she had to roll her eyes at herself, and when she went to put her book back into her purse, she saw Adian coming down the path and she smiled, tugging the book back into her lap. Her hands needed to hold onto something.

"Crummy weather we're having," she said, the grey clouds hiding away the sun. "I hope it's clear by midnight."

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picaro
2017-01-06 10:57 pm UTC (link)

Adian took in a breath and sat down beside Vivienne on the bench. He leaned back to look up at the sky, hands on his knees, squinting just a little at the sight.

It would be nice if the clouds cleared out by dark. He was working tonight after getting Christmas off, and unsure how long he and Vivienne would be taking, he had come here today already in his hit-wizard robes. He truly didn't know how long they would be sitting here on this bench, he didn't... know much what to say himself. If anything, he felt just as confused as he had been three months ago, and... Adian shook his head. No, he needed to focus. This was important. His mind could not stray.

"Yeah," Adian agreed, his hand moving to rub the back of his neck. They had decided, three months ago, to spend time apart for some clarity, to... grow and experience without the other. A break, a proper break but then... Shacklebolt, and... He rubbed the back of his neck again. Focus.

"Yeah, I hope so. The moonlight always helps with... seeing at night. On the streets, and stuff..." he trailed off, bringing his eyes back down to the ground. Should he start? Should she? Did she know what she wanted to say? She almost always did... Adian exhaled and closed his eyes momentarily in an attempt to focus the churning motion in his gut.

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vivantes
2017-01-08 02:15 pm UTC (link)

She nodded along, thinking that she couldn't recall a New Year's where she hadn't been able to see the fireworks. Some years, yes, were better than others, but...her fingers had gripped tightly onto the book in her lap and she looked down at it, and just as quickly she felt a familiar compulsion in her chest.

"I'm writing a book," she said easily, firmly, looking over to Adian. Vivienne's eyebrows were high and her smile quirked funnily. "I haven't said that out loud before. I hadn't known until right now."

Even just sitting beside him, as awkwardly as they were right now, made her feel more sure of herself. That meant something, didn't it? To feel enhanced, when...Vivienne felt her ears turn red and she ducked her gaze again. The past few months had been interesting, to say the very least, and it had given her a lot of time to think about herself and the people around her and the things she did. For years, Vivienne had made it a requirement to understand everything, so when nothing made sense you had to start from the very beginning.

Everything extra seemed to fall away, leaving the basics.

"I love you, Adian," Vivienne said, making sure to keep her chin up. "My life is good, but it's better with you in it."

She flushed which was strange because she had said those words to him more times than she could count. Vivienne smiled gently, knowing that...knowing that their conclusions might not be the same, preparing...preparing for that and what could come next and...

"I could list out the reasons, if you want," she tried to joke, to help ease the obvious tension with an exaggerated tilt of her head. Vivienne laughed lightly. "Only if you want."

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picaro
2017-01-09 10:23 pm UTC (link)

He loved her too. But that wasn't the problem...

Adian opened his eyes, staring hard at his knees. She was writing a book? That was good, that was really good because... authors got attacked in their homes significantly less than journalists, didn't they? Anneliese had never... he supposed being married to an auror made a difference... and living practically a world away...

That wasn't the point. Adian shook his head, his hand reaching up to rub his palm to one of his eyes. The point was that they had to figure out what to do. And he knew, mostly, that this confusion was coming from him. It was obvious how Vivienne felt, he doubted anything within her had changed in the last few months. But... he had, and Adian still felt himself in the process of changing. He was different now, he had realized it quite easily this last month and...

Adian's hand shifted to tug on the back of his own neck. He still felt like she didn't quite understand why he wanted this time apart to begin with. He frowned.

"Do you feel any different?" he asked, still staring down, but now at his feet. The side of his mouth hooked back for a moment. "Like... you've grown or changed because I haven't been around? At all?"

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vivantes
2017-01-09 11:40 pm UTC (link)

She was somewhat glad that he’d looked down, because her expression turned incredulous for a second before she smothered it away.

“I have questioned almost everything I’ve ever done since the day you left.” Vivienne’s eyebrows were high as she nodded along with her words. There was a pain in her chest that she didn’t want to acknowledge at this moment, but she pushed through. “I spent weeks feeling like a complete disaster, like I couldn’t do anything right. And...I don’t do everything right. I know that.”

She paused, letting that sink in; learning to let go of the tight grip she held on so many things had helped ease her mind and body. But was that…? It almost felt like a trick question; if she had changed, would it have been enough? And if she hadn’t, what had been the point? How was she even supposed to prove... Her brow furrowed and she wondered if Adian even knew what answer he was looking for.

“I know not everything is going to go right, and that’s okay.” Her head nodded back and forth. “So...yeah, I’ve changed. You leaving forced me to go on my own journey, to take a look inside and figure out what I wanted from myself. For myself.

“And I think I’ve worked through a lot of what I didn’t like. Still figuring out some of it,” Vivienne said, feeling honest, her cheeks reddening. There was an initial shame at admitting there were parts of you that you ignored or hid away. But acknowledging them, knowing that...things could be better..again, she felt more at ease with herself than ever before.

“I found a lot of things that I did like along the way, too.” She smiled, looking down at her journal. Vivienne bit back asking if that was what he’d wanted to hear, finding that right now, it didn’t seem like the point.

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picaro
2017-01-11 03:07 pm UTC (link)

He didn't ask so that she would tear herself down beside him. He asked because he still couldn't figure out---

Adian pulled a tight breath, his hands moving back to rub his face. Why was this so difficult? Why did she think he was looking for her to almost... prove herself to him? That hadn't been his intention, he didn't mean for that. He just wanted to get where they stood, if this time apart had helped in establishing they were two separate people together, not functioning as one thing.

Her words did not help ease his concern. His true, only one this whole time was that he, they, needed to be... their own persons and he needed to feel like he... he could...

His back curled and flexed uncomfortably as he realized, with all her words, it felt like there was little room for any of his own. What was he supposed to say to her? What could he say? Adian didn't know. He felt guilty, she made him feel guilty for trying to understand. He slowly began to shake his head, and eventually, he shrugged his shoulders in defeated kind of way.

"Okay," Adian murmured, feeling he couldn't do much else but swallow what she said. His hands vaguely curled upward, but they were quick to roll back down from palm to knee. He stared hard at his feet.

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vivantes
2017-01-14 11:54 pm UTC (link)

Her gaze lifted, having expected...he wasn’t...oh no. Vivienne’s lips twisted and she went over her words, having thought them to be a good thing, to have shown...but...her brow furrowed. Had she been too blunt? Too much? Her hands gripped her journal, knowing that okay had meant a few different things to her in her life and she wanted to make sure...Vivienne winced as she began to hear her words repeat in her head.

She was doing it again.

“I’m sorry if that sounded harsh,” she murmured. “That wasn’t my intention.”

She didn’t know where to go from here. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to start things off as calmly as she had (thought) she had and accelerated to what she was now seeing as a dramatic reading of her last few months. Vivienne didn’t know why, even now, she felt the need to explain herself further, to admit that her nerves were getting the best of her and sometimes, a lot of the times, it just made her talk and talk and talk and---

Vivienne pursed her lips together in an attempt to calm her quickly spiraling thoughts. She couldn’t understand how she could have such a handle on parts of her life and then when others came along that worried her, that if she wasn’t the one pressing things together making sure it was alright then it would all…She couldn’t do that. Adian didn’t deserve to be strangled by her own insecurities.

“I talk too much when I’m nervous. So--” Vivienne shut her eyes for a second before opening one. She took in a deep breath. “Will you? Tell me...what’s on your mind? Good or bad? I'd...I'd like to hear it. If you want..."

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picaro
2017-01-15 01:50 am UTC (link)

Even though she had said the words, he heard them clear, Adian couldn't muster up genuine belief in them. Did she... really want to hear what he had to say? Or was she just struck unsettled by his muted response? He knew there were other ways he could have responded, but feeling so forced and stuck... that was the only one he felt capable of. Was this strained prodding of hers the only one she capable of now?

Because she was nervous? What did she have to be nervous about? It was him, not anyone--- This was them, trying to figure out what was best, for their future. What did she--- Why was she--- Adian's brow suddenly furrowed in frustration. It shouldn't be like this. He curled his hands into his knees, his the tips of his fingers digging into his palms.

"I think we need to stay apart," he murmured, his jaw setting back. It felt strange to be talking like this, he almost didn't want to, but Adian felt his limit quickly approaching.

"I think we are two different people that want different things, now. I think... I have no idea who I really am, I'm just starting to find out, but you'd have no trouble telling me what you think I am. And that's the problem, because I want to figure this out on my own. I have to, it's not---"

Adian stood up, his lips pressing together. The words were hard to form, he didn't even exactly know how to express what he felt. It was buried under confusion; strong confusion, but confusion nonetheless. And he didn't want to feel like that anymore, he didn't want to feel like he had to force--- anything.

His shoulders raised and his arms extended out in almost unsure defeat. He shook his head.

"I think--- I think for a conversation that's supposed to be about us, all you've talked about is you and I don't--- believe you. I'm sorry."

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vivantes
2017-01-15 09:41 am UTC (link)

Forever? Stay apart, forever?

Vivienne watched Adian, gathered up what he had to say, feeling as if she was listening to a news broadcast that was literally going to affect the rest of her life. She’d asked him for the good or the bad, but she certainly hadn’t anticipated feeling like he’d dropped an anvil on her head.

“No trouble telling…” she repeated softly. Her eyes widened as he finished, feeling most startled that he didn’t believe her when---

“You don’t believe me?” Vivienne asked, standing. “You don’t believe that I want to hear what you have to say?”

Her hand went to her heart; she may not have been the most eloquent of people right now, but for him to question if...Vivienne’s brow furrowed, turning over his words, finding herself confused as well because...when…

“Of course I do! Your opinion is one of the most important in my life!” Vivienne’s mind and heart raced. What did he mean by---? Had she ever---?...but you'd have no trouble telling me what you think I am.

“What does that mean? That I’d have no trouble telling you what I think you are---?” Vivienne’s chest ached as she maintained composure; if he was going to break up with her, if they were going to stay apart, then it needed to be clear. She didn’t want a piece of...of confusion or...or miscommunication left behind and she steadied herself.

Had she been treating him so poorly for him to believe she didn’t want to hear what he had to say? Or that she’d put whatever labels she felt? Vivienne didn’t think so, but his words, he looked so convicted...

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