InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "CRUISAZY!"

ιѕαвєℓα (rivaini) wrote in valarcomm,
@ 2016-04-20 08:12:00

Entry tags:

fenris, isabela, lina inverse

texts + a loving phone call

>> Oy, I know you're about to push a new life from your twat and all
>> So if you can't help I will understand
>> But I had a question

Isabela was a troll. She was like her fiance in that regard - it was also probably why they went together like peanut butter and chocolate, and had really good sex too. Though the sex didn't have so much to do with it, but anyway - she was sort of on a one-tracked mind, while sometimes thinking of additional things (eating, sleeping, other biological needs that didn't have to do with humping), because she had skills. It was why she phoned Fenris because, for one, she wished to talk to him and, two, she missed his porcupine self; Varric's nickname for him was Broody and as usual, it was spot on.

"'ello," she spoke cheerfully when someone answered and got him on the line, probably at gunpoint. "I need to place an order. A large mocha latte and I need the foam to look like a beautiful climax is happening - which means don't skimp on the love fluids, alright? Also, the bigger the dick involved, the better. If you want to make it two dicks involved, that's alright too. Maybe some dolphins forming a heart shape in the background."

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	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 12:49 pm UTC (link)
	>> Thanks for the colorful picture of my upcoming childbirth this morning >> This doesn't have to do anything with your fiance texting mine about balls and asses, does it? >> Because I think yours sexts mine more than I do (Reply to this) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 01:02 pm UTC (link)
	>> Maker, no >> But he was playing with staffs yesterday so who knows what he's up to >> It's about him indirectly though! >> I know you did sort of a unique ring for yours >> I'd like something similar for Hawke, rather than a boring old gold band or something >> Can you help? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 01:16 pm UTC (link)
	>> Oh, sure thing >> It's not a strenuous process >> Did you have something specific in mind? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 01:21 pm UTC (link)
	>> Well, it doesn't need to really have any healing mojo >> He's quirky and can usually heal himself if blood is involved, so I don't even know if it'd work anyway >> But I just wanted something made from dragon who-sits >> It fits for him (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 01:47 pm UTC (link)
	>> Healing by magical blood transfusions, that's pretty nifty >> You're thinking dragon scales? >> I can throw in something that helps amplify spellwork too, if you want (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 01:49 pm UTC (link)
	>> Dragon scales, yes! >> Amazing that a ring can even be fashioned from dragon scales, but you know >> Amplifying spells is good >> There are certain types of armor and crafting materials in Thedas that can do that too so it's a nice boost (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

dragonspooker
2016-04-20 02:04 pm UTC (link)

>> The trick I use deconstructs the material and then reconstructs it, so it makes it easy to work with inbetween
>> I used to take flawed jewels and amp them with a protection spell and smooth it out with it to sell them way above market value in dreamland
>> Because money
>> You wanna come over and watch me do it?
>> That way you can tell me to change things if needed as we go
>> Make it all perfect for your big day in Vegas

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	rivaini 2016-04-20 02:17 pm UTC (link)
	>> That's so piratey of you, I love it! >> I'd like to come watch though >> And I expect that a lump of cash is suitable payment >> But I'll also take you for a massage or something! >> Swedish massage is good for expectant mums, isn't it? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 02:42 pm UTC (link)
	>> For once I'll reject a lump sum of cash >> Consider it a gift >> You can always get me a bomb burrito from a gas station, though, this salad shit isn't doing it for me >> What's a Swedish masssge?? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 03:04 pm UTC (link)
	>> Oh that's so sweet of you, love >> I can definitely gift you with a burrito bomb too >> I mean, what are friends for? If not to save each other from salad hell? >> Swedish massage, it's got to do with these long strokes that increase blood flow to the heart >> Very relaxing (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 03:26 pm UTC (link)
	>> Do you just have a gift that makes everything you describe sound dirty? >> I could use the pampering though, hells yeah >> Think they have a hole on the massage table I can stick my belly in? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 03:32 pm UTC (link)
	>> I do, actually, it's a talent of mine >> Along with swasbuckling >> I think you lie on your side or something but a hole in the cot would be convenient, wouldn't it? >> I will find someone who specialises in pre-natal massage >> Your back must be killing you, poor thing (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

dragonspooker
2016-04-20 04:01 pm UTC (link)

>> I'm sure you and your beardy fella will have a lot of swashbuckling adventures on your day of union
>> We expect to see you two on the news for some kind of public disaster
>> Don't get fined for property destruction, that tends to be a bitch depending on the damage
>> But, yeah, back's killing me, everything's killing me
>> My bladder is a bouncy house
>> You don't have to arrange anything but if you do, let it be known that I will probably love you forever

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	rivaini 2016-04-20 04:20 pm UTC (link)
	>> He's my favourite one to swashbuckle with! >> We'll try not to, but I just get so enthusiastic ;) >> Of course I'll arrange something >> Just tell me when you're free >> We'll see if we can alleviate the bouncy bladder pain a little (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 06:25 pm UTC (link)
	>> Definitely preaching to the choir there >> May the four of us never get black out drunk together, we'd all wake up in jail or in some other country a la Hangover >> I'm free evenings and weekends! >> Do we get cocktails with umbrellas on them? >> Mine would be a virgin but damnit, I like the illusion of drinking (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 06:31 pm UTC (link)
	>> Oh, balls, probably both >> We'd wake up in a jail cell in another country >> It'd be glorious >> How about Sunday? >> We can drink mimosas with umbrellas! >> Well, a virgin one for you, like one of those sparkly fizzy cider ones (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 07:06 pm UTC (link)
	>> With brand new tattoos and weirdly shaved heads, a trail of ruin behind us >> Yep, sounds exactly like how a couple's vacation would go >> Sunday works, though! >> What else do you need for Vegas? >> You doing a dress? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 07:25 pm UTC (link)
	>> A trail of ruin is my way of life, really >> So that sounds accurate >> I've got my Vegas shoes but as for the dress >> Still looking for it, hopefully I'll find it soon >> We're just going to end up bringing Dog and finding a pet-friendly chapel and winging it, I think (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

dragonspooker
2016-04-20 08:50 pm UTC (link)

>> You gotta get that mutt a little bowtie or something, he has to look the part
>> I'm a little jealous of your 'fuck it, wing it' 'tude, though
>> I think if my parents weren't in the picture I'd suggest an elopement too
>> I'm cool with receptions filled with cake and booze, that's never been a problem
>> But the actual ceremony would make me flail and accidentally hit someone, then they'd fall into a candle and shit would go downhill from there

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	rivaini 2016-04-20 08:59 pm UTC (link)
	>> He'd look so regal and proud in a bowtie >> Hawke really loves that slobbery beast >> Keep the ceremony short, then, that's all you do! >> Twenty minutes, done, move onto the cake and booze (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 09:08 pm UTC (link)
	>> Man's best friend? >> He'll be drooling all the way down the disco aisle of that Vegas chapel, probably! >> But, yeah, that's the best thing to do, and keep it small >> Cake and booze would be the priority for me >> Are you guys gonna do something reception-like when you come back? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 09:11 pm UTC (link)
	>> So many puddles of drool >> But he's good at killing Darkspawn, so, having a Mabari around is helpful >> Something reception-like will happen >> Probably at the tavern we're planning to open >> Very soon (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-20 09:28 pm UTC (link)
	>> Awwww >> If only there was a lady Mabari around so they could have puppies >> Little warhound puppies >> I'd take one, stat >> Ohhhh, right! >> Medieval drinking central >> But with actual toilets and not holes in the ground (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-20 09:30 pm UTC (link)
	>> Oh, hmmm, I didn't even think of that! >> I can't remember if Maia has a male or female Mabari >> But that really would be adorable >> Less rat droppings too >> And prostitution >> And just...more cleanliness >> It'll be so much better (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	dragonspooker 2016-04-21 12:05 am UTC (link)
	>> Ohhhh, well, let me know if it ever happens >> I'll surprise Pete with a warhound puppy >> He may or may not want to throttle me >> Modern conveniences tend to do that, our dream selves don't know what they're missing out on >> If you need help with things, let me know >> I mean, I can taste test like no one's fucking business (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rivaini 2016-04-21 12:28 am UTC (link)
	>> Warhound puppies are the best! >> I bet it'd grow on him >> We could use a taste tester or two >> We'll also have a flat above the place >> I'm keeping my beach house for reasons but after the Vegas thing we'll probably want to live together (Reply to this) (Parent)

lyrium
2016-04-20 02:45 pm UTC (link)

Fenris wasn’t being held at gunpoint, but his hours would have likely been cut if he hadn’t taken the phone. That’s what happened when you unintentionally made a customer cry the other day. Americans had no sense of humor.

It wasn’t all that surprising when Isabela launched into her very graphic order. She’d been by the shop quite a few times by now, so he settled in by leaning against the nearest counter, face impassive. Fenris honestly had no idea what she actually wanted from him, but this was at least slightly more entertaining than serving the self-righteous Californian elite.

"Why the dolphins?" Rumbled from his end of the line. It was a legitimate question.

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rivaini
2016-04-20 03:09 pm UTC (link)

Why the dolphins. Oh, he was a trip, wasn't he! Bela longed to tell him about the dreams, and shithole Kirkwall and all those nasties they killed together, but it would come in due time.

Though she was already kind of concerned about his dwellings. If he had dead bodies and wine stains on the walls, in his place here, then she was going to hire a decorator for him.

"I think I heard somewhere that they're the only other mammal besides humans to be able to have orgasms, do you think that's true?" she asked, about to get into the car. Since she drove like a maniac anyway, this could be dangerous. "Anyway, just the dicks will be fine though! You really can't forget those."

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lyrium
2016-04-20 03:35 pm UTC (link)

She wouldn’t be able to see it, but he’d rolled his eyes. While Fenris didn’t doubt Isabela’s creativity (more like audacity) to make an order this ridiculous, he had a feeling something else was going on. And Fenris didn’t do ‘something else,’ thanks. Some people actually had to work for a living and didn’t have time to play nursemaid.

"If this was sufficiently distracting, will you let me get back to work?" That wasn’t exactly a no-go regarding the drink, though. If she pushed the issue, he’d definitely make it. Much to the horror of his unerringly cheerful manager.

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rivaini
2016-04-20 03:40 pm UTC (link)

"I'm coming to pick up my order now!" Isabela insisted - hence why she was getting into the car and was about to break several speeding laws in her convertible. "And I don't trust anyone else to make this for me, you know. But before I let you get back to work, to craft my glorious penis coffee, I need to know if you're available in the near future to do me a favour."

"I mean, I'd pay you of course. Side job. Nothing dirty, as fun as that would be."

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	lyrium 2016-04-20 03:57 pm UTC (link)
	A pause. Fenris really needed the money. It wasn’t cheap living here, and if he had any intention of seeing his lease through, he’d need to find more work. Goddammit. "Define ‘favor.’" He had standards. Not very many of them, but enough that he had to draw the line somewhere. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

rivaini
2016-04-20 04:18 pm UTC (link)

See, Fenris was perfect for this sort of thing. They both had standards but not too many! It tended to work out nicely. "Well, I'm heading off to Vegas soon for a bender and I may very well come back married since the plan is to go to get married," Bela explained. "So I'll need someone to housesit. It's a little place on the beach, you'd like it - have guests over if you want, just change the sheets and don't leave used condoms anywhere."

That wasn't the main component however, as simple as housesitting was.

"Before that though, there's some business I need to tie up before I can get married. I was married once before - long story. But he dabbled in...not so savoury things. Black market trade of gold, mostly. I took his business and expanded, now I'm giving it up - it's just not easy to really leave those circles. I'll need someone muscle-y to accompany me. I'd ask Hawke but it's a chapter I intend to close, that he doesn't need to be involved in."

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lyrium
2016-04-20 05:26 pm UTC (link)

Rich people really were lunatics. Granted, relocating to California after rubbing elbows with the elite of New York had been a lateral move on his part. Not that he'd had much of a choice where he ended up. "You want a stranger to housesit for you," Fenris clarified, no inflection in his voice. If Isabela wanted to do something this outrageously inane, he wasn't about to complain.

The muscle, though. He could handle that and even enjoy doing it. Yoga was all well and good, but you couldn't punch people while doing it. "Why am I not surprised." She would be the type to get involved with the black market. Were all rich people bored and reckless? Rhetorical. Of course they were.

"Time and place?" If she was expecting a congratulations for her impending marriage, she wasn't going to get it. At least not verbally. Fenris was going to hide a cock ring in the latte art.

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rivaini
2016-04-20 05:35 pm UTC (link)

Isabela chuckled huskily. "You're not a stranger," was all she said, and it was true - he just didn't know the extent of it yet. "As for time and place, this Friday - down at the fueling docks, Dana Point. Let's say midnight or so - just to give it that extra ominous vibe."

Sure, she could go herself and stab people, but it was always more fun with company who enjoyed it - even if Fenris couldn't do his magical fisting trick yet.

(A cock ring in the latte art! How grand! She knew she liked him for a reason).

"I'm almost to the shoppe, so we can talk about it more in the back room or something. Or if you're due a break from slinging coffee, we can go somewhere."

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lyrium
2016-04-21 06:08 am UTC (link)

Weird, but a little intriguing. It was either that, or Fenris’ bar for what passed as entertainment had fallen so low that being hired as a glorified bodyguard was some kind of achievement. It didn't matter. He was silent for a long moment, turning the idea over in his head. This wasn't exactly something he was asked to do very often. Not that people asked anything of him to begin with. The withering glare did a good job of deterring any would-be contacts.

His manager was making frantic gestures at him from behind the register. Ah, so a large group of students had just walked in. Delightful.

Fenris shifted his weight away from the counter, a bit caught out. He was scheduled for a break soon, and it wouldn't hurt to hear Isabela out. If all of this felt like he was toeing too close to the deep end of something murky and unpleasant, he didn't voice the concern. "If that is your wish."

And then he hung up. Because of course.

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rivaini
2016-04-21 12:23 pm UTC (link)

Isabela just barely got in a "you're so sweet!" before Fenris hung up on her - he'd lasted longer than she thought he would, but he probably did have to go back to work. Lots of tips to be earned with all that pleasantness, and lots of latte art to make.

Still, she'd be there in a few moments. It'd be fun. And maybe if he really liked her beach house, when he watched the place while she and Hawke were in Vegas, he could move in. She'd told Hawke she'd keep it to rent out in case anyone from their Kirkwall crew needed a place to stay, so why not? It was probably better than some shitty flat he was living in.

They'd talk. Because sorry, Fenris, you weren't getting away from this pirate anytime soon.

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