InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "uh?"

Dorian Gray (doriangray) wrote in thedoorway,
@ 2013-05-22 11:53:00

Entry tags:

!network post, don draper, dorian gray, irene adler (movie), percival blakeney, rumiko fujikawa (616), steve rogers / captain america (616), tony stark / iron man (616)

How does one go about rooming reassignments in this place? I got married on Monday and think it might be appropriate if I were to live with my wife.

[NOTE: Sexual themes, discussions, recollections of sexual encounters, rough sex]

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	tonystark 2013-05-23 03:21 pm UTC (link)
	Of course I knew you. Know you. But it's been a much longer time for me than it has for you. I'm trying to do right by you. It's just difficult to figure out what that means. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rumiko 2013-05-23 03:29 pm UTC (link)
	~~The last time you ignored me your sentient armor almo~~ Take your time. God knows when the cube's gonna send me back. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tonystark 2013-05-23 04:30 pm UTC (link)
	That's the thing, Ru. Losing you last time destroyed me. And you know what? You're right. It is selfish. But I don't know if I can lose you again. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rumiko 2013-05-23 04:37 pm UTC (link)
	No, that's the thing, Tony. Whether you're talking to me, whether you're seeing me, you will lose me again. The cube's already taken me once, and even if we're not together, you're still going to feel that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tonystark 2013-05-23 04:42 pm UTC (link)
	I'm kind of hoping I get sent back before that happens. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	rumiko 2013-05-23 04:45 pm UTC (link)
	~~Are~~ Brilliant. Of course. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Sherlock \| Stark sherlockholmes 2013-05-23 04:54 pm UTC (link)
	Tony. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Sherlock \| Stark tonystark 2013-05-23 04:54 pm UTC (link)
	It's true. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Sherlock \| Stark sherlockholmes 2013-05-23 05:00 pm UTC (link)
	I'm sure that it is. I don't doubt it for a minute. After John Watson left, I realised that I would be at a complete and utter loss if Joan was taken, however -- you need to stop thinking about this in terms of yourself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Sherlock | Stark

tonystark
2013-05-23 05:39 pm UTC (link)

I'm not thinking about it exclusively in terms of myself.

It's not just that I can't lose her. It's not just that I don't know if I'm the same man she knew anymore -- that I know I'm not the same man she knew anymore. It's not just that losing her changed me fundamentally, and I don't know if I can or ever want to be in a relationship like that again. It's not just that our relationship was flawed from the start because I wouldn't let her in enough, I wouldn't put her first, and I don't know if I'm capable of doing those things at all anymore. It's not just that I think I don't deserve her. It's not just that every time I see her, I see the blood on my hands. It's not just that every time I'm around her, I can't stop thinking about what will happen to her if -- when -- the tesseract takes her back, and she keeps reminding me of it. It's not just that it's become impossible for me to sort out whether what I feel for her is love or guilt. It's that I desperately want for her to be happy, and I know that I'll only keep taking that away from her. And don't try to tell me otherwise, because every time we talk, it just confirms that for me. Everything I do causes her pain.

Did she tell you how she died? Did she tell you that it was my fault?

Did she tell you that she came to visit me after- after she saw that something was wrong with me, and she thought I needed her? Even though we had broken up, even though I didn't know she was coming, even though I hadn't been giving her what she needed. Did she tell you that someone wearing a copy of my armor shot her and her friend dead in my house? Did she tell you that I was too late to save her, and she died in my arms? Did she tell you that she died for nothing, because someone wanted to ruin me and they used her to do it? That there were moments when the only thing that stopped me from drinking was the thought of how disappointed she would be in me? The thought that it would dishonor her memory?

And now, now that I know our lives are-- books, or something, that our lives either come from or are documented on the pages of comic books, I can't stop thinking about the possibility that she died to further my narrative. All of which make her death unmistakably and irrevocably something that happened because of me.

I don't want to keep taking her decisions away from her. i don't want to remove her autonomy. But I also can't kill her again. I can't. I feel like hell when I talk to her. I feel like hell when I don't talk to her. I get to think about it slightly less often when I don't.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Sherlock \| Stark sherlockholmes 2013-05-23 05:47 pm UTC (link)
	God, you're an idiot. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Sherlock \| Stark tonystark 2013-05-23 05:52 pm UTC (link)
	I'm not disputing that. But why? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Sherlock | Stark

sherlockholmes
2013-05-23 06:14 pm UTC (link)

Where do I start?

The fact that you haven't told her any of this? The fact that you're still thinking of this in terms of your own responsibility and not her feelings? We're not talking about what happened to her, Tony, because it hasn't happened yet. While it had an impact on you -- while I'm sure it was difficult -- do you not understand how unfair it is to hold her responsible for the shockwaves of her own death? It's what you're doing, whether intentional or not.

If you don't want to be with her now, if you don't think it's the right thing for either of you, then you need to man-up and talk to her about that instead of hiding behind a future instead of facing the present. If you keep doing what you're doing to her and yourself, neither one of you are going to benefit and you're going to continue to hurt her.

Because you're an idiot.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Sherlock \| Stark tonystark 2013-05-23 07:28 pm UTC (link)
	In my defense, I really thought the world might end before I had to make a decision. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Sherlock \| Stark sherlockholmes 2013-05-23 07:30 pm UTC (link)
	You can't see the face I'm making right now, but I know you know what it is. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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