InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Have I taught you nothing?"

Josh Foley (fatedtouch) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-03-20 20:23:00

Entry tags:

josh_foley, julian_keller

Julian
Josh closed his laptop and leaned back in his chair, sighing heavily. He was tired. So tired. He was tired of fighting. He was tired of ignoring each other. He was tired of pushing things away so he wouldn't have to face them. They festered like infections, feeding in the dark. The worse type of illness. Something his powers couldn't touch.

His half of the room had never been so empty. Instruments gone forever. All their bases, stands and accompanying pieces moved into the closet. Along with every last scrap of sheet music, book and cd he owned. His external hard drive, filled to the last byte with mp3s was under his bed. He still couldn't bring himself to wipe it.

Every knick knack and photograph had likewise been shoved under the bed until he decided what to do with them. The only personal items still out and about was his fish, his laptop and his schoolwork. His tree...his tree was safe with a chlorokinetic he trusted. She'd take good care of it until he could have it near him again.

Looking up at the ceiling, Josh wondered how the hell they'd gotten to this point. And more over, whether or not when Julian walked out the door tonight, if it would be for the last time.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 12:52 am UTC (link)
	"I don't have them anymore." He gestured at the bed. "Wanna sit?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 12:53 am UTC (link)
	"No." Annoyance prickled, but Julian fought to keep it from bubbling up. Josh was in a mood he recognized, and rarely had the patience for. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 12:55 am UTC (link)
	Josh sat back in his chair and folded his hands together. "Kevin accused me of wanting you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 12:58 am UTC (link)
	"Kevin seems to be taking up a habit of meddling in things he should leave alone," Julian said mildly, but the tension was clear in his body. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 12:59 am UTC (link)
	"Yeah," he sighed. "We're not talking." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:01 am UTC (link)
	"So that's why you decided to take up orders?" He crossed to the window, too full of tension to keep still. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 01:09 am UTC (link)

"He kept pushing." He didn't follow Julian across the room, leaning forward to rest his elbows against his thighs, looking at his hands instead. "He wouldn't let go of it. Even when I asked him to. Even when I begged him to..." He scrubbed a hand against the back of his head. "He thinks I need touch, that I need more than him. That what I want, even if I won't admit it, is you."

He heaved a sigh, hand sliding off his neck. "I was so angry with him for forcing that out there. For making me see it, confront it. I needed time away from you so I could look at it, so I could think about it without you near me. Because I was all knotted up. Because I was confused. I needed to sort things out and I couldn't do that with you smiling at me, and wrapping your arms around me, and..."

He stood up, turning to face Julian. "You know what the worst part was? Admitting to myself that he was right. And knowing that no matter what I did, someone was going to get hurt because of that."

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	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:13 am UTC (link)
	Julian froze, staring out the window. His body had gone tight, a sudden wall of ice between them. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 01:28 am UTC (link)

"Yeah, I panicked too. I panicked a lot." He paced across the room, keeping his distance from Julian, so he wouldn't feel cornered. "But, Kevin wouldn't let it go. So I couldn't ignore it anymore, like you're doing now. And I thought...I thought I could do it, you know? That I could just pretend and everything would be okay. But I realized I can't. That ignoring it doesn't make it go away, it just makes it hurt.

"I'm sorry, Julian. I'm sorry you've been dragged through all my shit for so long. I'm sorry I built so much of me in you so you didn't have a choice. I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry this had to come up at all. But...I can't just pretend I never realized how I feel about you. You've always believed in me. Protected me. Comforted and supported me. You've made me get up when all I wanted to do was lay down and give up. And when I couldn't move myself, you picked me up and carried me until I could." He turned to face him again. "You stood in front of me when hurt came my way, and you held me close when I was shaking and let me draw strength from you. You curled around me, folding me up in you when my I was broken. And you patched me up with parts of yourself.

"I'm sorry I never noticed. That I was never grateful enough. I'm sorry I never saw you, Julian. I'm sorry I spent so long torturing you. I never meant to. I'm sorry I've been so selfish. That I took so much from you and never gave enough back. I wish I could make it up to you, but I know there's no way I could even start. I'm so, so sorry."

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	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:44 am UTC (link)
	"So," he said, eyes never leaving the darkness outside. "Because of Kevin, you've had some grand revelation that you're in love with me. But where does that leave Kevin?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 01:47 am UTC (link)
	"I don't know where it leaves any of us, to be honest," he replied, crossing over to his bed and dropping into it. "But I couldn't keep this from you anymore. Or myself. Kevin...I still have to tell him. But, you needed to hear it first. You deserved to hear it first." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:52 am UTC (link)
	"You're in love with Kevin." It wasn't a question; he knew the answer. Josh was so in love with Kevin it was like a constant punch to the gut. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 01:53 am UTC (link)
	"Yes." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:57 am UTC (link)
	"And you do realize you can't have us both." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 01:58 am UTC (link)
	"Yes," he replied quietly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 02:03 am UTC (link)
	"And that's why your instruments are gone. Because you realized you love your boyfriend and your best friend, and you know you have to make a choice, and it's hurting you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 02:09 am UTC (link)

"I tried. I tried to figure it out. I was so lost...A string snapped. It caught me over the eye and...It was like I snapped. It just hurt so much...I grabbed the neck and swung and...fifteen minutes later I was being escorted to Doc Samson. And someone was cleaning up all the pieces. I feel...I still feel broken. In pieces. And I can't make them fit. Because they have your names on them and neither of you...I'm going to lose you both."

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truehellion
2011-03-21 02:19 am UTC (link)

Julian gave a fond, exasperated sigh, turning around to look at Josh. "Josh, it's so like you to make everything a thousand times hard than it has to be," he said with a half smile, acting harder than he ever had in his life; selling with all his soul. "You should have come talk to me the minute you started to realize because I could have told you what I'm telling you now: I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I don't want you that way."

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 02:24 am UTC (link)
	Josh got up and crossed the room. Moving to stand in front of him, he slid both hands up beneath his shirt until they rested high on his chest. He pressed gently with his power, but didn't cross the threshold of Julian's skin. "Look me in the eye, and say that again." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-21 02:29 am UTC (link)

Julian had been training since he'd manifested as a child. He'd had years to learn how to control his body. And, thanks to his fucked up family, even longer to learn how to lie. "I'm not in love with you, Josh," he said, reaching up to fondly push back Josh's hair, the way he'd always done before. Casual touching. Affection hiding adoration. "I'm okay that you're in love with me, though I'm sorry if I led you on at all. I'm just not built that way."

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fatedtouch
2011-03-21 02:39 am UTC (link)

"Okay," he said, hands freeing themselves. He swallowed as he smoothed Julian's shirt out against his belly. He was quiet for a moment, trying to decide where that left him. Then he decided he didn't care. He just had to know. Completely. Or else he'd never get over it. He was already in deep. What was one more transgression.

With a little hop, he threw both arms around him, caught the back of his head and kissed him.

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truehellion
2011-03-21 02:45 am UTC (link)

Julian made a shocked, torn noise in the back of his throat. He half stumbled back, but Josh was just there, in his arms, kissing him. He shuddered, entire body surging to life, blood rushing, heart pounding, breath lost as he stepped back in, grabbed Josh's face and kissed back with everything he had.

It was blinding, blistering, earth-shattering. He could practically feel the world falling away piece by piece as he cradled Josh's face and kissed him as if nothing else in the world matter.

Because for him, at that moment, nothing else did. He couldn't think; there was Josh. He couldn't breathe; there was Josh. He could feel, feel more than he could handle, but all of that was Josh, making his world fall apart and go still, like the distant whine of the violin.

Julian kissed back because he couldn't do anything else. And on his kiss were years and years of frustrated, tortured longing.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-21 02:57 am UTC (link)

Josh had never been kissed before. Not skin to skin, unsafe, unsecured. Just passionate and a little wild and full of everything that made a person. Julian's lips against his, the brush of his tongue, noses bumping and hands clinging and so much warmth. The difference was shocking, but what had him clutching Julian closer were the other things. The frantic beating of his heart, the curl of desire in his belly, the way it made him dizzy and eager and the heavy, hungry want. It wasn't enough. It wasn't near enough.

Kevin's kisses had been all kinds. Soft and gentle, hungry and demanding, devoted and longing. But Josh had never been kissed like inside him was the only way to live. Julian's hands holding him, warm and smooth. Their lips dancing and the harsh inhales that brought Julian's scent right to his lungs and spreading him in every direction.

He'd been lying. Josh didn't know for how long, but it felt like forever. The intensity of it had Josh's knees disobeying, and he had to wind his arms tighter as he buckled against his best friend and everything changed in one white hot moment.

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truehellion
2011-03-21 03:04 am UTC (link)

Almost mad with it, Julian stepped forward, slamming Josh against a tk wall. One hand came up at the last moment, cradling the back of his head, keeping him from hurting himself even as Julian caught Josh's wrists with his free hand and lifted them, pinned them, pinned Josh with his body and kissed him breathless.

He felt like he needed to merge their bodies or die trying. Julian pressed closer, hips firm against Josh's body keeping him trapped there as he devoured his mouth with single-minded hunger, desperate to have all of him, here, now.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-21 04:01 am UTC (link)

Josh's initial intent, of course, had simply been to discover the truth. If Julian had truly felt nothing for him, he'd have pulled him away and told him so and that would have been the end of it. Then Josh could have gone to Kevin and told him everything and would have been able to assure him nothing would be coming from his feelings, because they weren't returned in the same way. It would have been messy, but it would have been all right in the end, he was sure of it.

He'd never expected Julian to feel so much for him so strongly. It was odd to think that his best friend had been successfully hiding all of it from him. What else had Julian not been honest with him about? What else had he never told him?

Josh had always been perfectly honest with Julian, and Kevin for that matter. And up until a few moments ago, he'd been perfectly faithful. Loyal to the point of ridicule.

Everything in him was telling him to give in. To let Julian have him. To let it happen. And to enjoy it.

And everything in him was positively horrified that he'd upturned everything he'd ever believed in for something as simple as unfettered touch.

He turned his head with a tearing moan and gasped for air. "Julian," he puffed, breathless. "Julian...We can't."

God, he didn't want to ever hurt him again. But every moment in the past few minutes would hurt Kevin. And hurting both of them would hurt him in ways he could never heal. It was a lose-lose situation. All the way around.