InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "i have a plan. attack!"

Josh Foley (fatedtouch) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-03-20 20:23:00

Entry tags:

josh_foley, julian_keller

Julian
Josh closed his laptop and leaned back in his chair, sighing heavily. He was tired. So tired. He was tired of fighting. He was tired of ignoring each other. He was tired of pushing things away so he wouldn't have to face them. They festered like infections, feeding in the dark. The worse type of illness. Something his powers couldn't touch.

His half of the room had never been so empty. Instruments gone forever. All their bases, stands and accompanying pieces moved into the closet. Along with every last scrap of sheet music, book and cd he owned. His external hard drive, filled to the last byte with mp3s was under his bed. He still couldn't bring himself to wipe it.

Every knick knack and photograph had likewise been shoved under the bed until he decided what to do with them. The only personal items still out and about was his fish, his laptop and his schoolwork. His tree...his tree was safe with a chlorokinetic he trusted. She'd take good care of it until he could have it near him again.

Looking up at the ceiling, Josh wondered how the hell they'd gotten to this point. And more over, whether or not when Julian walked out the door tonight, if it would be for the last time.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 12:46 am UTC (link)
	Josh frowned. "You never said anything. You just let me--" He pressed his lips together. Julian had supported his relationship with Kevin in the face of his own feelings. Had urged Josh to keep to his faith, to follow his heart. And the whole time... He raked his hands through his hair. "Jesus, Julian. How could you let me hurt you like that?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 12:56 am UTC (link)
	"Because he was making you happy," he admitted simply. "By the time I was the kind of person who could offer you anything more than heartache, you were already head over heels with him. What kind of an asshole would I be if I had tried to ruin that?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 01:05 am UTC (link)
	"And what you were feeling wasn't important? Didn't you think I'd want to know?" He heaved a sigh. "How much of yourself do you have to throw away every time you protect me, Julian?" He crossed over to him, and rested his hand on Julian's forearm. "I'm not worth it. No one is worth that, Julian." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-23 01:08 am UTC (link)

"That's the whole part of being in love." It was easier to say than he thought it'd be. Always before, when he let himself imagine it, he thought the words would stick on his tongue. Love. He loved Josh. He was in love with Josh.

Slowly, carefully, Julian reached up to brush back Josh's blond hair again, letting the tenderness bleed through the familiar gesture. "You are worth it, to me."

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fatedtouch
2011-03-23 01:16 am UTC (link)

Josh stepped closer, into Julian's personal space - where he'd always been welcome. Always felt safe, secure...loved. He closed his eyes and dropped his brow to Julian's chest. "I've been such an asshole...I never would have..." He couldn't imagine having to help someone you love be with someone they loved, who was not you. It could only be torture of a never ending variety.

"Is this why we were split up? Did it finally become too much?"

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truehellion
2011-03-23 01:21 am UTC (link)

Julian slid his fingers into Josh's hair, gently massaging the nape of his neck. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't want to stop being your roommate, but yeah, walking in on you was...difficult."

It was torture. A never ending, white-hot torture. He still lay in bed at night, awake, needing Josh's familiar breathing to lull him to sleep. But insomnia was a hell of a lot better than opening the door and finding Josh--

He deliberately turned away from that thought.

"Besides. It's better for all of us this way, now."

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 01:30 am UTC (link)
	His grip tightened against Julian's sides. He'd walked in on them often enough that-- "I'm sorry. I never would have...been that way if I'd have known." He sighed, head turning until his ear was pressed against Julian's chest. "Not that it was excusable anyway. But you could have told me it bothered you. I would have stopped." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 01:35 am UTC (link)
	Julian shook his head, lightly tugging Josh's hair. "No. The two of you had to rearrange your lives--practically ruin them--to talk to each other. I wasn't going to be the one who took that outlet away from you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 01:39 am UTC (link)
	He was silent for a few moments, basking in Julian, taking in the comfort he had already apologized for selfishly absorbing. "Were you ever going to tell me?" he asked so quietly it was practically a whisper. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 01:45 am UTC (link)
	"I don't know. Were you ever going to let me be on my deathbed?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 01:46 am UTC (link)
	"No," he replied, arms sliding around his waist and holding tight. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-23 01:56 am UTC (link)

"Guess that answers that." Julian cupped the back of Josh's skull, other arm wrapping around his shoulders, holding him tight. He could count the steady beats of Josh's heart, thrumming through him. Like the high whine of his violin, it soothed him.

"How long do we have before you tell him? Minutes or hours?" he murmured after a long moment just soaking the feeling in.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 02:07 am UTC (link)
	"That depends." His voice was just as quiet, as intimately pitched. But it still seemed loud against the white wash of Julian against him. The way he could silence the world just by being so close. "How long are you going to hold me?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 02:19 am UTC (link)
	"Oh, good, we have days, then." He pressed a soft kiss to the crown of Josh's head, resting his cheek against his hair. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 02:22 am UTC (link)
	"Only days?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 02:27 am UTC (link)
	"Eventually someone would track us down and turn a hose on us." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 02:30 am UTC (link)
	He laughed - a quiet burst of peaceful amusement. "Will you be here?" he asked, hands closing about the fabric against his back. "After?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 02:35 am UTC (link)
	"Yes. But Josh, I don't think you'll be coming back." It hurt like hell to say it, but it was the truth. Julian knew this was going to serve as their goodbye. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 02:42 am UTC (link)
	Eyes closing against the burn, he pressed his face into Julian's chest. Arms clutching tightly. And if the Julian's shirt stained against the wetness...well, he couldn't fix everything. Julian had taught him that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-23 02:51 am UTC (link)

"Hey," he murmured softly, stroking ghostly tk fingertips down Josh's spine, through his hair, along his sides--everywhere at once, literally surrounding Josh with himself. "It'll work out okay. It'll suck for awhile, but I'll still be at the school. You'll see me around. Maybe he'll be cool with us hanging out, anyway. And if you need me--"

Julian choked on his own comforting lies, trying to stifle a sob. God damn it. He hadn't cried in... He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried. He turned his face, trying to scrub away the bitterly hot tears with his shoulder.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-23 04:01 am UTC (link)

Josh's hands tugged Julian's shirt up, sliding back under. Smoothing up over hard, toned muscles. Strong. Julian was always so strong. He turned his head, pressing his face against his neck; Julian's throat against the bridge of his nose and over his brow, jaw to his temple.

He inhaled, surrounded by him and returned it by pouring himself into Julian. He wasn't aiming to fix anything, to register anything. He was giving back all of himself, if only for the moment. He could be strong for him. No one would ever need know.

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truehellion
2011-03-24 11:28 pm UTC (link)

He couldn't afford to let himself break down completely. Not when things were like this. Not when Josh belonged with someone else. That was a threshold he couldn't cross and still remain strong enough to watch Josh walk away. He'd be giving too much of himself away to ever recover.

So Julian reached up to scrub away the traitorous tears, pulling himself together by monumental force of will. He touched his fingertips to the back of Josh's neck, stroking the spine as he slowly, determinedly willed himself to pull back on the mask and step away.

It was just...so hard. Harder than he could have imagined. He wasn't sure where he'd find the strength again.

"You should probably not stay here," he finally said, voice low and uneven.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 12:02 am UTC (link)
	Josh let Julian pull away, afraid it would be the last time he'd feel his arms around him and unwilling to be the one to destroy that last thread. Once Julian was free though, he stepped back. Lower lip trapped between his teeth and eyes focused on the floor so he couldn't see the lie. He nodded, but didn't move. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-25 12:05 am UTC (link)
	"Josh... I love you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 12:07 am UTC (link)
	It was the way he said it. Josh looked up, blinking back tears. "I love you too." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

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