InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "walk up in the club like yeah "

Josh Foley (fatedtouch) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-03-20 20:23:00

Entry tags:

josh_foley, julian_keller

Julian
Josh closed his laptop and leaned back in his chair, sighing heavily. He was tired. So tired. He was tired of fighting. He was tired of ignoring each other. He was tired of pushing things away so he wouldn't have to face them. They festered like infections, feeding in the dark. The worse type of illness. Something his powers couldn't touch.

His half of the room had never been so empty. Instruments gone forever. All their bases, stands and accompanying pieces moved into the closet. Along with every last scrap of sheet music, book and cd he owned. His external hard drive, filled to the last byte with mp3s was under his bed. He still couldn't bring himself to wipe it.

Every knick knack and photograph had likewise been shoved under the bed until he decided what to do with them. The only personal items still out and about was his fish, his laptop and his schoolwork. His tree...his tree was safe with a chlorokinetic he trusted. She'd take good care of it until he could have it near him again.

Looking up at the ceiling, Josh wondered how the hell they'd gotten to this point. And more over, whether or not when Julian walked out the door tonight, if it would be for the last time.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 01:47 am UTC (link)
	"I don't know where it leaves any of us, to be honest," he replied, crossing over to his bed and dropping into it. "But I couldn't keep this from you anymore. Or myself. Kevin...I still have to tell him. But, you needed to hear it first. You deserved to hear it first." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:52 am UTC (link)
	"You're in love with Kevin." It wasn't a question; he knew the answer. Josh was so in love with Kevin it was like a constant punch to the gut. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 01:53 am UTC (link)
	"Yes." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 01:57 am UTC (link)
	"And you do realize you can't have us both." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 01:58 am UTC (link)
	"Yes," he replied quietly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-21 02:03 am UTC (link)
	"And that's why your instruments are gone. Because you realized you love your boyfriend and your best friend, and you know you have to make a choice, and it's hurting you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 02:09 am UTC (link)

"I tried. I tried to figure it out. I was so lost...A string snapped. It caught me over the eye and...It was like I snapped. It just hurt so much...I grabbed the neck and swung and...fifteen minutes later I was being escorted to Doc Samson. And someone was cleaning up all the pieces. I feel...I still feel broken. In pieces. And I can't make them fit. Because they have your names on them and neither of you...I'm going to lose you both."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-21 02:19 am UTC (link)

Julian gave a fond, exasperated sigh, turning around to look at Josh. "Josh, it's so like you to make everything a thousand times hard than it has to be," he said with a half smile, acting harder than he ever had in his life; selling with all his soul. "You should have come talk to me the minute you started to realize because I could have told you what I'm telling you now: I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I don't want you that way."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-21 02:24 am UTC (link)
	Josh got up and crossed the room. Moving to stand in front of him, he slid both hands up beneath his shirt until they rested high on his chest. He pressed gently with his power, but didn't cross the threshold of Julian's skin. "Look me in the eye, and say that again." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-21 02:29 am UTC (link)

Julian had been training since he'd manifested as a child. He'd had years to learn how to control his body. And, thanks to his fucked up family, even longer to learn how to lie. "I'm not in love with you, Josh," he said, reaching up to fondly push back Josh's hair, the way he'd always done before. Casual touching. Affection hiding adoration. "I'm okay that you're in love with me, though I'm sorry if I led you on at all. I'm just not built that way."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 02:39 am UTC (link)

"Okay," he said, hands freeing themselves. He swallowed as he smoothed Julian's shirt out against his belly. He was quiet for a moment, trying to decide where that left him. Then he decided he didn't care. He just had to know. Completely. Or else he'd never get over it. He was already in deep. What was one more transgression.

With a little hop, he threw both arms around him, caught the back of his head and kissed him.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-21 02:45 am UTC (link)

Julian made a shocked, torn noise in the back of his throat. He half stumbled back, but Josh was just there, in his arms, kissing him. He shuddered, entire body surging to life, blood rushing, heart pounding, breath lost as he stepped back in, grabbed Josh's face and kissed back with everything he had.

It was blinding, blistering, earth-shattering. He could practically feel the world falling away piece by piece as he cradled Josh's face and kissed him as if nothing else in the world matter.

Because for him, at that moment, nothing else did. He couldn't think; there was Josh. He couldn't breathe; there was Josh. He could feel, feel more than he could handle, but all of that was Josh, making his world fall apart and go still, like the distant whine of the violin.

Julian kissed back because he couldn't do anything else. And on his kiss were years and years of frustrated, tortured longing.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 02:57 am UTC (link)

Josh had never been kissed before. Not skin to skin, unsafe, unsecured. Just passionate and a little wild and full of everything that made a person. Julian's lips against his, the brush of his tongue, noses bumping and hands clinging and so much warmth. The difference was shocking, but what had him clutching Julian closer were the other things. The frantic beating of his heart, the curl of desire in his belly, the way it made him dizzy and eager and the heavy, hungry want. It wasn't enough. It wasn't near enough.

Kevin's kisses had been all kinds. Soft and gentle, hungry and demanding, devoted and longing. But Josh had never been kissed like inside him was the only way to live. Julian's hands holding him, warm and smooth. Their lips dancing and the harsh inhales that brought Julian's scent right to his lungs and spreading him in every direction.

He'd been lying. Josh didn't know for how long, but it felt like forever. The intensity of it had Josh's knees disobeying, and he had to wind his arms tighter as he buckled against his best friend and everything changed in one white hot moment.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-21 03:04 am UTC (link)

Almost mad with it, Julian stepped forward, slamming Josh against a tk wall. One hand came up at the last moment, cradling the back of his head, keeping him from hurting himself even as Julian caught Josh's wrists with his free hand and lifted them, pinned them, pinned Josh with his body and kissed him breathless.

He felt like he needed to merge their bodies or die trying. Julian pressed closer, hips firm against Josh's body keeping him trapped there as he devoured his mouth with single-minded hunger, desperate to have all of him, here, now.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-21 04:01 am UTC (link)

Josh's initial intent, of course, had simply been to discover the truth. If Julian had truly felt nothing for him, he'd have pulled him away and told him so and that would have been the end of it. Then Josh could have gone to Kevin and told him everything and would have been able to assure him nothing would be coming from his feelings, because they weren't returned in the same way. It would have been messy, but it would have been all right in the end, he was sure of it.

He'd never expected Julian to feel so much for him so strongly. It was odd to think that his best friend had been successfully hiding all of it from him. What else had Julian not been honest with him about? What else had he never told him?

Josh had always been perfectly honest with Julian, and Kevin for that matter. And up until a few moments ago, he'd been perfectly faithful. Loyal to the point of ridicule.

Everything in him was telling him to give in. To let Julian have him. To let it happen. And to enjoy it.

And everything in him was positively horrified that he'd upturned everything he'd ever believed in for something as simple as unfettered touch.

He turned his head with a tearing moan and gasped for air. "Julian," he puffed, breathless. "Julian...We can't."

God, he didn't want to ever hurt him again. But every moment in the past few minutes would hurt Kevin. And hurting both of them would hurt him in ways he could never heal. It was a lose-lose situation. All the way around.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-23 12:02 am UTC (link)

"No," he said, unthinking, not wanting it to end. The problem about being so very controlled all the time meant that giving up control--having it taken away, in this case--was so intoxicatingly new he didn't want to stop. He pressed his mouth to Josh's neck, breathing in his scent, wanting to drown in it.

But his brain kicked in only a second later, as it always did, and Julian suddenly realized what was happening.

He pulled back with a start, tk wall dropping, letting go of Josh as if he'd been burned. He stumbled back, world crashing down like waves against a cliff face. Holy fuck, what had they been doing? "Josh," he began, but he wasn't sure yet what he meant to say.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-23 12:30 am UTC (link)

Having been pressed so securely to the tk wall, held up by Julian's body secured so tightly against his own, the moment Julian came back to his consciousness, Josh crumbled to the floor. He sat there for a minute, breath heavy, and trying to fold himself back into his body.

He looked up at him from beneath gold lashes, eyes dark and mouth still parted. He pulled his lower lip into his mouth, teeth closing about it. It was another moment before he got up and tilted his head. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 12:31 am UTC (link)
	"Why do you think?" His expression was a riot of emotions. He couldn't seem to force them off his face, out of his eyes. Julian shoved his fingers through his hair roughly, wanting to pace, not letting himself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 12:34 am UTC (link)
	"How long?" he asked softly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-23 12:41 am UTC (link)

Julian expelled a breath, eyes closing. He'd never wanted to have this conversation--at least, not under these circumstances. Sometimes, when he let himself imagine--

Well. He wasn't going to think about that now.

"Years. It's changed, over time--as I grew up, I suppose. I can't put dates on when and how it changed, or define what it was when we were kids, but yeah. It's been years."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 12:46 am UTC (link)
	Josh frowned. "You never said anything. You just let me--" He pressed his lips together. Julian had supported his relationship with Kevin in the face of his own feelings. Had urged Josh to keep to his faith, to follow his heart. And the whole time... He raked his hands through his hair. "Jesus, Julian. How could you let me hurt you like that?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	truehellion 2011-03-23 12:56 am UTC (link)
	"Because he was making you happy," he admitted simply. "By the time I was the kind of person who could offer you anything more than heartache, you were already head over heels with him. What kind of an asshole would I be if I had tried to ruin that?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-23 01:05 am UTC (link)
	"And what you were feeling wasn't important? Didn't you think I'd want to know?" He heaved a sigh. "How much of yourself do you have to throw away every time you protect me, Julian?" He crossed over to him, and rested his hand on Julian's forearm. "I'm not worth it. No one is worth that, Julian." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

truehellion
2011-03-23 01:08 am UTC (link)

"That's the whole part of being in love." It was easier to say than he thought it'd be. Always before, when he let himself imagine it, he thought the words would stick on his tongue. Love. He loved Josh. He was in love with Josh.

Slowly, carefully, Julian reached up to brush back Josh's blond hair again, letting the tenderness bleed through the familiar gesture. "You are worth it, to me."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-23 01:16 am UTC (link)

Josh stepped closer, into Julian's personal space - where he'd always been welcome. Always felt safe, secure...loved. He closed his eyes and dropped his brow to Julian's chest. "I've been such an asshole...I never would have..." He couldn't imagine having to help someone you love be with someone they loved, who was not you. It could only be torture of a never ending variety.

"Is this why we were split up? Did it finally become too much?"