InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I have to pee in a tree!"

Savannah Monroe (savannah_monroe) wrote in omega_reality,
@ 2013-03-30 12:27:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2013 03, character: marty deeks, character: savannah monroe

RP: Savannah and Marty
Who: Savannah and Marty
Where: their room
When: Saturday, March 30, 2013
Summary: Savannah and Marty tried talking again

Saturday was becoming as routine as every other day. Grocery shopping, putting things away, lunch. Being March, there was a little different. After lunch, Savannah had the twins on the bed, playing for a little while she got everything ready to go over Robert's for the games. The dogs weren't too far either. Harley sat by the bed, almost like guarding the twins, and Nova never left Savannah's side.

Savannah was putting toys in a bag, things that wouldn't be necessary enough to go in their bug out bag, but that made her life so much easier when visiting their family. She was almost done when Marty closed the door of their bedroom. She could 'hear' the 'we need to talk' in his expressing. "What's wrong?"

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deeks_marty
2013-03-30 09:59 pm UTC (link)

Marty huffed softly to himself as he sat down on the floor next to Harley. It seemed they'd gotten to that stage where talking automatically equaled something was wrong. Scratching idly behind the big dog's ears, he wondered what the hell he was doing. He knew what Savannah wanted...maybe. He knew what she said, but that had little to do with anything he'd tried to say, so who knew. He knew what Robert had said, but they weren't Sam and G. Despite everything, there were still some things Savannah didn't understand about this life, things Marty hadn't really understood until he got stuck with this job and trying to deal with them. There were things he really didn't want her to understand. And there were things going on with her he didn't even begin to understand. And, he really wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about, anyway. Nothing had really changed. It just felt like something he was supposed to do.

It'd be easier if he could just say I don't know and be done with it. But, he figured that would just leave them with him sitting around the house while she went off to watch basketball. Maybe a few months ago he could have done that. But, it required a wife willing to sit and help him talk it out, which he didn't really have just then.

"Apparently a lot of things," he said at last. "I thought I was trying not to bring work home with me, but I think I might have been doing just that. I think I might owe you an apology. But, I really don't know what's going on. I'm not handling things well, with you, with the job, not even doing the job but what the job's doing to me. It goes beyond the arguments we've been having to things I haven't told you, things I can't tell you because that's also part of the job. I can't...I can't keep pretending everything's okay, though. Things aren't okay. They're actually pretty fucked up. I get that you're angry with me. I've been pretty angry with you, too. But, this...the way we are right now...it isn't good for us, for you, for the baby, for our kids. And I can't fix things without you and we can't fix things if we're not talking. So, I guess that's what's wrong."

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savannah_monroe
2013-03-30 10:20 pm UTC (link)

"And here I thought everything was going amazingly well. People actually like you and the way you do your work," she said. "I'm the only one with the problem."

Savannah finished packing up and then sat on the bed. "I don't want an apology that doesn't mean anything, Marty. You're the one who said that we do our job out there and then we come home and help each other, but we're not. We're doing each other more harm than good. Maybe there are specific things you can't tell me, but G said more than you do, and I'm not saying that to compare you, but to put things into prospective. I read people pretty well, but you make it really hard to see when something is wrong, and if you don't feel the need to talk to me...."

She sighed. "I don't know what's going on or why things aren't okay, but I don't read minds. You tell me you love me and then proceed to tell me all the things I do wrong or why I'm a horrible person. Maybe you haven't shared what's going on, because you're just used to say you love me, but it's not.... I am angry, but mostly I'm wondering why we're bothering. We're angry with each other, we don't seem to like each other very much, and we barely talk and when we do, we argue. Maybe you don't want to fix things with me, and that's... I'm an adult and I appreciate the truth more than lies."

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deeks_marty
2013-03-30 10:40 pm UTC (link)

Marty clenched his jaw, but didn't rise to her bait. If she wanted to start out with battling sarcastic statements, she was on her own.

Instead, he watched her finish, ready to leave when she was done because it seemed she didn't care about talking. Then she sat, so he listened and then it was his turn to sigh. "Savannah, I just said I can't fix this without you. How do you get 'maybe I don't want to fix things with me' from that? What do you think I'm trying to fix? I haven't lied to you. I may have said things badly or phrased them in ways that didn't say what I meant to say, but I haven't lied to you. I'm not...I'm afraid to talk to you anymore because it seems like no matter what I say, it doesn't come out the way I mean or you don't hear what I'm saying or I don't know. But, half the time I don't think we're even having the same conversation. I'm sitting here trying to tell you that I need to talk to you, but I don't know how when the things bothering me are things I can't talk about because of the job. I don't..." He ran his hand through his hair. "I don't even know where to start because I don't know where you're getting half the things you're accusing me of anymore. What do I say? Just tell me the words you need to hear to believe me because I'm out of ideas, I don't know what else I'm supposed to say other than what I've been trying to say every time we have this conversation and that is that none of that is what I meant and if that's what it sounded like, I'm sorry."

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savannah_monroe
2013-03-31 03:50 am UTC (link)

"I don't know what you're trying to fix, because I don't know what 'this' is, Marty," she answered. "This started with a pretty simple conversation: can I teach sniper classes? It wasn't some trick question, but a simple question to the man in charge, and it spiraled into... I don't even know. Everything I said that night was twisted and turned against me, making me wonder why the heck you're still with me when it didn't sound like you liked anything I said or did."

Savannah sighed. "You're sorry for what, Marty? Forget all the things I think are wrong with... pretty much everything right now. Why are you apologizing? What part didn't you mean? That we should be understanding because their cushy life hasn't prepared them for this? That they were right leaving because they were fighting with their parents? That Jenna was wrong for not trusting him? That I should be nice and understanding, because you like them? Which part didn't you mean? Because it sounded like you meant everything you said."

She shook her head. "I still don't know what's going on with you. You blamed me for not being myself, you told me that I must be not doing well without G and that I might be overreacting because I miss them. Maybe all of that it's true, but I wasn't the one bringing those problems into this house. I was going to see a woman I don't particularly like or trust on a weekly basis, even after I felt she insulted me. I just said that the woman was exhausting and you couldn't let it go. I never even said anything about your team until that night. I'm the one that invited them to dinner even though I didn't like them even before that dinner. I did more than I was supposed to do for you, but it wasn't enough. You still had to push. I don't know why it's so important for you that I'm friends with those people. I don't know why you need to talk to me. I don't know why you can't talk to me even though you need to talk to me. You can't tell me why you trust Douglas so much. You can't tell me pretty much anything. Except I've made it very easy for you. I'm not discussing anything that doesn't deal with work, the house or the kids. You say I'm off the team and I said fine. I'm not arguing with you; I'm not bargaining with you. I'm following orders, even though I'm supposed to see that witch if I ever want to go back to work, because as you told me, I'd never have to see a doctor I don't trust. You do remember that little discussion, right? But did I complain? No, I'm going to see her when I'm ready to be reinstated. So if you want to talk to me, then talk. You don't want to talk, don't talk, but I'm tired of guessing, which is why we're having different conversations. You say things, but the reasoning behind those things make no sense, so I'm left wondering what's the motivation, and you've proven that I know just about everyone on this team better than I know my husband, because I can't get it right. So I've stopped guessing. When you're ready to tell me what's going on, then you can tell me."

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deeks_marty
2013-03-31 05:55 am UTC (link)

Marty let his head fall back and closed his eyes. "That, Savannah. That is what I'm apologizing for, what I've been trying to explain is the last thing I meant by anything I said. It's not that I disapproved of anything you'd done or said or anything. I was trying to understand how you could see them so differently, that was all. I work with Douglas and Thomas every day. I've talked to the doctor on a handful of occasions. And I've never felt any reason to dislike them as strongly as you do. I'm sorry, but I haven't. And I've rarely seen you dislike someone that strongly. I was trying to understand why. That was all.

"I wasn't saying you had to like them. Or talk to them. I may think you should give them a chance because I think you'd be surprised to find out they aren't as bad as you think. But, I wasn't trying to tell you that you had to do it. Do I try to be understanding of the different challenges they face as a result of their life? Yes. I try to be understanding of and to understand most people. Do I think leaving was the best thing for them and for everyone involved? Yes, I do. Not because they were fighting with their parents, but because that entire family dynamic would have put us all at risk, especially on that base, and their leaving changed the dynamic. Do I think Jenna was wrong not to trust Douglas? No, because I never said that. I said she was wrong to give up on him after almost no attempt at trying to connect with him and for expecting that he'd trust her after less than two weeks working together. Do I like them? Yes, well enough. But, I didn't say you have to be nice and understanding. Again, I was concerned because you usually are and it seemed strange to me that you weren't. I was just trying to find out what they had done to make you think differently because I couldn't see it."

He was treading on thin ice, he knew. Chances were all his efforts at explaining this time were just likely to result in another round of you don't love me and of course I'm wrong. It seemed to be the general refrain, but he kept trying anyway. "I wasn't blaming you and if it sounded that way, I'm sorry. It wasn't my intent. Yes, I suggested that perhaps your reaction to them was because you miss G. But, it was a question, a suggestion. It was, again, me trying to get to the bottom of why we see things so differently, especially when you started the conversation by saying you liked the doctor and then ten minutes later you hated her as much as them. I was confused and trying to see why, trying to understand, because I can see so many things they have in common with various other people here, people you like. So, it didn't make sense and I was trying to figure out why. I asked questions, I made suggestions. I apparently worded them very badly because nothing of my intentions seems to have come through. But, that's honestly all I was trying to do. There's nothing there to guess, no hidden agenda, no secret purpose. I was trying to understand and, I don't know, my brain and my mouth were on as good of speaking terms as we have been I guess. The words I said didn't translate into what I meant to do. I wasn't trying to attack you or make you change your mind or make you be friends."

Sighing, he shook his head. "There's no motivation to guess, Savannah. I'm not G who hides behind words as easily as other people do walls. I keep trying to tell you my reasoning. And maybe the reasoning makes no sense. But that's all there is to it. There's nothing other than what I said: I was trying to understand. I didn't make that clear enough. I get it. I might have tried too hard because I need some sort of balance in all this. But, the only point to everything I said that first night is just that. I was trying to understand. The rest? I don't know what to tell you. If I knew what was going on in my head, I wouldn't be having this problem, Savannah. I'm messed up and I'm torn because you're the one person I've always been able to talk to and I can't talk about this. I can't...wrap my own head around how not me I feel, let alone explain it, even if it wasn't classified. It's not who I am or who I want to be, who I want you or the kids to know. Can't you understand that at all?"

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savannah_monroe
2013-03-31 02:50 pm UTC (link)

"Okay, let me explain this in very simple terms and maybe we can move past this, because they really don't merit this much attention. Do you remember the Morrows?" she asked, trying another way to explain this. "I didn't like you. You never tried to understand why, you never worried that something was wrong with me because I didn't like them. These people remind me of the Morrows. They talk to you like they know more, cold, calculating, ready to stab you in the back if it benefits them. They have more class and the words they use have a lot more syllables, but the feeling I get from them is the same, like they think they are on top of the world and everyone is beneath them."

Savannah was going to do this once more and maybe they could be done, but she'd have to explain in depth. "Now, let's take them one by one. The dear Doctor is probably the worse of them. She's a doctor, she's supposed to help, but she relishes the idea that she's smarter. A doctor is supposed to make her patients understand. She does none of that. She talks like she's reading out of a textbook. Now, before you tell me that I'm reading too much into this, she straight out told me that she had lower class friends who knew to ask her questions. So yes, I get really insulted when you compare my religion to her science, because no one stops her from talking like a normal person. She gets ridiculed, because people don't like someone who uses science to feel superior. Now, maybe if I hadn't gone home after every visit googling half of the stuff she was saying, I wouldn't have reacted like that at dinner, but even I reach my limit of ignoring people. She's also the reason I argued with G. I was also brought up that if you don't have something nice, you don't say anything. So I like her, because 'like' is innocuous enough that could mean anything and it's certainly more Christian than 'I hate that arrogant, annoying witch', but I like stops being I like when I'm being pushed to accept that she's nice. She's not. Now, let me tell you something else. Her research is going to tell her that I'm not supposed to go back to work for six weeks. We both know that I was ready after a week, and we played around for time with G. I'm not waiting six weeks and I don't trust her enough to tell her. If she doesn't clear me after checking my abs, because of research, then I can bring this up with Vance, because I really really have problems with everything he's been doing since we lost our four leads, and I'll tell him exactly what I think. Or I can tell her, she clears me and then you wipe out her memory. I don't care which one, but I'm not waiting and I'm not telling her." She was not going to let Vance or Maura stop her from finding G and the rest.

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savannah_monroe
2013-03-31 02:50 pm UTC (link)

"Let's move onto the twins. They are much less annoying, because I don't deal with them enough, but the few times that I've spoken with them, they have been condescending and superior. They made it clear that I'm not up to their standards, but you know what they don't understand? They aren't up to my standards, and whatever reason they had to leave, I don't have time for understanding. We don't have time for understanding. And I don't trust them not to stab all of us in the back if they think it benefits them. They really remind me of Clay that way and by 'they' I mean the entire family. I might like Elaine and Bud, but I have no illusion that they are any better than their kids." Margaret was different, but Savannah knew that she'd side with her family, just like she was supposed to and Savannah wouldn't expect any differently. "So I'm not nice, just like I wasn't nice with the Morrows, because they don't want to be part of the team, and if they don't want to, then they aren't part of my team and I have to give them zero chances. In fact, considering that we need to go after G and the rest, I'd prefer it if they left. We might lose Travis, but we also get rid of six people who are dead weight and whom I don't trust, because, Marty, I'm nice, but I'm not nice when someone comes between me and the good of my family. I killed innocent people for that reason. If I'm made peace with that, I'm pretty okay with wishing them gone, if it means a better team that has a better chance to find G. Actually no, that's not even true. I don't mind people who are incompetent if they try to be part of the group; they don't, and if they aren't part of the team, then they are just as much part of the problem as those soldiers. And don't tell me we- I don't say these things, because the Morrows, Abby, Eliot, there are plenty of times when I or others have said the same thing."

She stopped and looked at her husband. "Does that explain why I don't like them? I hope it does, because if I still don't know what the rest means. Are you upset because of the job? I mean I'm sure you have made mistakes, but then so did G and Derek, and as you said, they had each other and Peter. It took them months to get their act together and there was three of them and a federal structure. No matter what you've done it can't be that bad. You're upset about Vance? I can understand that considering all the screwed up things he's done, and maybe you can learn to tell him 'no' once in a while. Will it work? I don't know. I'm pretty sure if it worked all the times, we'd never have gone to Disney, but opposing him once in a while might make you feel better with your conscience, because if he makes a decision and people get hurt, you will still feel responsible if you don't raise objections." Savannah got off the bed and kneeled in front of him. "I'm guessing here, Marty, because I can't imagine you having done anything that would make me not like the person you are. I might get angry, but I've always known that you're a good person. Except for shopping trips and retrievals, you've gone to one mission. What can you have done?" She knew that she wasn't going to get an answer and sighed. "Look, put it this way. You're the one who told me that killing innocent people at the base was justified. If killing men whose only crime was to follow orders was right, then nothing you've done can be as bad."

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deeks_marty
2013-03-31 04:02 pm UTC (link)

Marty wanted to bang his head against the wall. He was tired of constantly going over the arguments for or against liking them, when that was no longer the point. "I wasn't asking you to explain now. But, this is part of the problem I've been having. I try to explain my intent and you continue the original argument, when that doesn't matter to me. You don't like them, fine. As long as it doesn't affect work in the field, you don't have to do anything. What I care about is whether you finally get that I wasn't trying to say you were wrong, I wasn't trying to twist your words to use against you, I wasn't trying to push you into anything, and I don't have a thing for the damned doctor. That is the problem, not whether or not you like them. Okay? Can we put that to rest and agree to disagree so we can focus on the bigger problem?"

Sighing, he shook his head and reached up to brush her cheek with his knuckles. "I love you, Savannah. I love your sweetness and that core of steel underneath and the innocence you've managed to hold onto despite the things you've seen and done. I don't want you to be able to imagine what I could have done. I don't want you to know what worse I could have done. It's not...it's not about Vance and if it was about him doing something that could get someone hurt, then you know I'd speak up -- at least I hope you do. I'm not sure what it says that you think I'm just a doormat to him, never giving an opinion."

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savannah_monroe
2013-03-31 04:48 pm UTC (link)

"I know you didn't ask, but you keep saying that you wanted to understand why I didn't like them, so I've explained. I've also explained because it will be a problem after I give birth. It'll be a big problem," Savannah answered, before frowning. "So the bigger problem isn't that you don't have a thing for Maura? Somehow I don't think you mean that. Look, I get it, you were trying to understand, you misspoke, I'm on edge, we both overreacted. I'm sorry for not telling you the truth about my feelings about her to begin with, which might have explained some of my reaction. In fact, I'm very sorry for inviting them to dinner and even trying to get to know them. None of this would have happened if I'd left it alone and ignored them like I was doing before. I thought dinner was going to make it better, but it made it worse. But do you know why I have a problem with your explanation? It's always coated with reason why you like them. Not once you listened and said 'if they treat you like this, maybe I should reconsider my opinion' or even a simple 'oh okay, I'll pay more attention', even if you didn't mean it. Not once did it occur to you to take my side over theirs. Instead you answered my statements with reasons why I was wrong or ignored what I said. That is my problem, because I might love you, but I don't know if I can trust you, when I can't even count on you to have my back in a discussion."

Savannah took a deep breath, trying not to cry "Sam and G taught me a lot of things, but the most important for them was to trust your partner, and now I get why they tried to keep partners and lovers together. That trust grows, it's almost all encompassing. I'd like to have what they have, but I don't feel I can right now. I know that I can trust you out there, in a gun fight. I don't know if I can trust you with who I am, and it sounds like you don't trust me either, because you just said that even if it wasn't classified, you wouldn't tell me."

She shook her head. "You couldn't have done anything worse. You wouldn't. You can't tell me what it is, but I know you. You probably think it's worse than it is." She snorted. "Seriously? You're speaking up? Then why do we keep doing these incredibly stupid things? We had a wedding done in a week, when we had no idea what we were walking into at that hotel. G was looking for hotels months before we got married. John's birthday? I love the boy and he's like family, but there's no way that it should have been authorized. Sam threw a fit when they organized Sean's birthday and it wasn't anywhere nearly as bad as that. Shopping trips, dinners. I could go on and on. We're being relaxed, sloppy, nothing gets checked the way it's supposed to. Not only it could cause people to die in an attack, it gives a bad example to the new people. It doesn't train them for what's to come, because we're so worried about defending ourselves from monsters that we've forgotten that we have other, smarter enemies and that human beings will most likely be our enemies in most dimensions we might cross before we get home. In fact, they might be our enemies even when we get home. I don't know what you think you've done out there, but it can't be that bad and if you want to worry about something, worry about people here." She sighed. "You know what? I'm sorry, it's work and it's none of my business. I'm not even part of the team for the next few months." She'd still keep an eye on her unit.

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deeks_marty
2013-03-31 05:13 pm UTC (link)

"Because I didn't see it as anything to take a side about!" Marty exploded. "I was trying to understand what the problem was and you said they hadn't done anything to you. That they hadn't insulted you, you just knew what they thought and they didn't like any of the social things you tried to do. There wasn't a side to take and after you talked to the doctor the last time, I didn't defend them. Just like now, I tried to explain my previous actions and you kept arguing as if I was justifying the present while I was talking about the past. Then you accused me of caring more about her, having feelings for her. I wasn't saying you were wrong! How many times do I have to say that before you get it through that stubborn skull of yours? I was giving you my point of view and trying to reconcile the two. I'm sorry I didn't say the right words. God, this is what I've been trying to say! I get that I didn't approach it right and I'm sorry. How many more ways do you want me to say it?"

Pulling away, he stood up and started pacing. "And I also just said I wouldn't tell you because I want to protect you from it, not because I don't trust you!"

Marty didn't even know what to do any more. She still didn't hear a damn word he said. Not really. And maybe that was why he did what he did. It was something he would hate himself for later. But, he didn't know how else to get through to her and break this cycle. "You want to know? Fine. I'll show you."

He was still careful about it, not wanting to hurt her, and if she told him to stop, he would. But, that was her only warning before he slipped into her mind and let her see everything, every conversation with Vance, the Hammonds, or Dr. Isles, every mission, everything he shouldn't ever tell her and couldn't risk saying out loud to anyone, every emotion he couldn't name, every doubt and fear. If that was the only way she was going to hear him, then he'd give her everything she was asking for and if even that wasn't enough, then he didn't know what was left to try.

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savannah_monroe
2013-03-31 06:10 pm UTC (link)

She didn't have time to say anything before he was in her head. They hadn't done this recently, but it still felt so familiar, so right until the information came fast and complete. Things that she didn't need to know, things she shouldn't know. When he pulled out, she stared at him for a moment.

"You didn't have to do that," she said, softly as she got up. She took his hands. "Listen to me one second. Remember when after I went to Aviator alone and I went to G what you told me? You told me that trying to protect you from the hurt I was feeling was just like not trusting you. That's what I meant, not that you should tell me, but that you should want to tell me."

She sighed. "Marty, my problem wasn't that you didn't see them like I do, but that you never acknowledged that I might be right." He still hadn't, but that didn't seem important. "If you want to talk about the other stuff, we can, but if you don't, there is one thing that you need to know. You didn't just do your job; you did the right thing. Cops shoot bad people all the time. You don't enjoy it, you don't do it because it makes you feel better, but you do it, because there's no other choice if you want to protect the innocent. You know I've always had a problem with killing, but that's because I think every kill makes us hurt a little inside, makes us less in God's image. I'm the one who couldn't accept killing for any reason and it took me reading about religion, seeing different theological teachings to come to terms with what you, cops in general and us as a team have done. With all my objections, I can tell you that you had no choice. He might not have had a gun in his hand, but the threat was not any less immediate. There was no one else that could have stopped him. You did what you had to do to protect the innocents. Do I think that what I just said makes everything better? Of course not, because if that were the cause, you wouldn't be the good person you are. The doubts are what keeps us honest. We can't just kill because we can, and we don't stop just because it's not strategically sound. We stop because it's wrong." She squeezed his hands. "You've done nothing wrong, and you don't need to protect me from that. You don't need to protect our children from that, because as much as I love Sam and G, I want my children to see our doubts that the cold determination they display, because one day they will have to make the choices we're making, and I want them to thing what their father would have done."

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deeks_marty
2013-04-01 12:43 am UTC (link)

Marty used her grip on his hands to tug her a little closer so he could put his arms around her. "That's what I mean when I say I went about things wrong, Savannah." Sighing, he leaned his forehead against hers. "We used to be much better at this. What happened?"

Closing his eyes, he stood there a moment. Then he walked back to the bed and sat down, lifting Nicki into his lap when she came over and grabbed hold of his jeans. He switched back to speaking in her head because he didn't want Renko overhearing this conversation. Or Oliver and Tommy, for that matter. Cops shoot the bad guys, sure. And in self defense, when they're shooting at me or they're about to hurt someone else, I have no problems pulling that trigger. But, this is different. This was taking on the role of judge, jury, and execution. I know what he did. I know no one else could have been as sure because of the same thing that lets me talk to you like this. But, he wasn't an immediate threat to anyone. He was a guy at home in his apartment. If I'd done something like that at home, I'd be under investigation from I.A. and up on charges myself so fast even G couldn't keep up. This...it's not what cops do. It's what spies and military personnel do. Maybe it's what G and Sam do. But, it's not what cops do, what I do.

"And yes, that's part of why I trust Doug to do what needs to be done out there. When I started to think about it in the last few days since we last had this discussion, I think maybe it's part of the reason I came on too strong the first time with you, why I need to give them the benefit of the doubt without judging. Maybe they do think and feel the way you say, but plenty of people have changed and become better members of the team after they found their niche, or a reason to care. I'd like to think they've been conditioned by circumstance and just need someone to give them a chance. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm looking for my own redemption through them. But, whatever the reason, I never meant to make you feel less than the most important thing in my life, you and the girls, our son."

Nicki patted his cheek and he smiled at his daughter, kissing her cheek. "I'm trying really hard not to be my dad. When things didn't go his way, he drank and he got violent. If I can be okay with what I did, how much easier will it be the next time? How much easier will it become to make violence my answer? I already know how easily I can become someone like Max when I need to for a cover. It's too close."

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savannah_monroe
2013-04-01 01:29 am UTC (link)

"Life happened. I'm pregnant, hormones are out of control,the people we love, the people who are our support system are missing, we lost a member of our family, you're doing something you don't like to do." She smiled a little. "G complained, but I can't imagine him wanting to let go of the lead. He'd never trust anyone else but Sam and Sam isn't getting roped into that job." She stretched up and kissed his cheek. "We... we'll figure this out. It's not the first time that we've hit bumps on the road. People see us as the Disney couple, but we've fought for this relationship from the start. I guess we fight some more. It's how we do things."

Savannah made her way to the bed, sitting with one leg under her and on foot resting on the floor. "You're wrong, Marty." She waited to feel that presence inside her head again. How do you know he wasn't a immediate threat? He could have used his power on the next person knocking on his door, or he could have exerted his power at a distance. How about the man who killed Peter? He's never an immediate threat until he is and even your power couldn't do anything. Yes, this is murder under our rules, but powers change those rules. We have rules, because cops are good, but they aren't Gods. They can't know if someone is guilty or not. They can have evidence, but they can't know for sure, not unless the man is an immediate threat and then they can shoot. You knew he was guilty with certainty and he could have used that power at any second and no one else would have known. I get that it feels different, but it's not. You were not not judge, jury and executioner. Vance was the judge and jury. You were the cop who did his job.

She leaned closer and kissed him on the cheek. "You're a good person, Marty, more than I am at times, because my first thought is whether you can make him forget, because I don't trust him one bit. At least he doesn't know what you can do, not for certain." She pushed her hair back, holding them from spilling in front of her face, while she thought. "So I'm assuming that it's not something you'd do, right?" She knew the answer, but she still had to check, and maybe she did miss G just a little right now, because G might actually have told him to do it, regardless off the ethic dilemma. "You know what the problem is? They don't need to find their niche. As Thomas pointed out to me, they already have their family. They don't need anyone else. The rest of us had a mishmash of people we turned into a family. Even Sean and Troy's group of friends. They don't call themselves family, but they aren't any different. They'd do anything for each other, because they'd be alone." She sighed. "All right, niche, benefit of the doubt, I can try again.. For you and not because I've changed my mind about them." And if Douglas ever betrayed Marty, she'd kill him, benefit of the doubt or not, because she might feel guilty later, but she would protect her family.

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savannah_monroe
2013-04-01 01:30 am UTC (link)

Letting go of her hair, she put a hand on his shoulder. "Stop that. You're not your dad, you're not your step-dad. I'm not saying you need to be okay. Isn't that what you told me? We're never really okay with killing, right? This isn't any different. You might not be okay, but you don't let it take over. You use reason until it becomes a little more okay, and as long as you worry yourself like this, you will never use violence as your answer. You've had your power for two years, Marty. Imagine what G would have done with it. Imagine what Robert would have done with it. Imagine what I would have done with it. Maybe with different motivations, but you can be sure that we'd have use that power a lot more than you have."

She sighed. "I think, and I know I'm about to overstep, but I do that often," she said with a tiny smile "I think it's not this alone as much as this on top of your job. You are very laid back, which doesn't make you a doormat, but you, Vance, me, Robert, others, we've all been treating this like it's a temporary thing. You're in charge until you aren't. You don't like to enforce rules, so Vance takes over. Do you know why I didn't argue with you about being benched? Because you should have told me to quit weeks ago. I guess what I'm saying is that you need to make this team yours, to let Vance know that he can't just do stuff without getting your input. I'm not saying change everything, because Sam would kill you, but make it yours, even if you have to go back to basics and do things your way. If it's too much tell Vance that you need a co-leader, Mike, Robert, someone who's been around and you trust. Maybe if you feel more comfortable in your role, other things won't feel as bad. And if none of that works, then I'm still here. We do work better when we share everything. Yes, job, can't do that, blah, blah, screw that. You told me you don't do things like G. Then do it your way, and if this is the place where you need to say whatever, then it is, because it's never getting out of this room."

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deeks_marty
2013-04-01 07:54 pm UTC (link)

"Sam is a very, very intelligent man." Marty laughed. G could so have this job back the minute, no the second...the nanosecond they found him. Marty had never wanted to be in charge and now he knew why.

"You don't have to try giving them the benefit of the doubt," he told her, reaching over to take her hand. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I do, for me. But, I'm not going to ask it of you. It's up to them to find that niche, too. It's more than just about having their family, though. It's having a place in things here and they really need a support system outside that toxic family of theirs. You know how you said before that I couldn't make decisions just because of their shitty parents? It's not just that their parents suck as parents. It's that under the titles they're the same as my stepdad. I guess, in a strange way, the brothers remind me of myself. But, I had a best friend around to help get out from under my stepdad's influence. And then G and Sam to teach me a few things about real support."

And no, I'm not going to make him forget. Even if that's something I could do, which I haven't tried and don't really have a way of testing without screwing with someone's head royally, I wouldn't do that to my partner. He doesn't know what I did or what I can do, although he would figure out I'm not really an empath eventually, since he is one. I might be able to tell his brain to forget the memory was there, but I don't think I could completely remove it. The memory would be there and could possibly surface again if the right circumstances presented themselves. And I can't earn his trust if I start out by abusing it, either. I'm not sure it would be a good idea to try, anyway.

Nicki squirmed on his lap and he put her back down to play with her sister and the dogs. It left him free to lay back on the bed, one arm bent beneath his head as he looked at Savannah with a grin. "I guess I can't be too wrong if you're using my own advice on me as a good thing. But, okay, I get your point."

Maybe it was necessary, but it's still not the man I want to be. No matter how much training, I'm still a cop. And I'm still my father's son. If I'd been there when Vance gave them their options, I might very well have used this power to make sure the three of them couldn't even think of putting us in that position again. I'm not sure which pissed me off more, that they could have jeopardized all of us by going after that guy the way they did, or that they used us as their clean-up crew. Whichever it is, I wouldn't have been able to not use this on them if I'd been there because I was that angry at them for putting me in the position of having to become little more than the criminals Ford and Spencer were before.

We're going to have a lot of conversations like this if you're serious about sharing everything. It's the only way to make sure things stay classified.

I'm sorry.

Sitting up, Marty tucked a finger under her chin and kissed her softly. "I should have asked permission instead of using this power on you in anger."

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savannah_monroe
2013-04-01 08:19 pm UTC (link)

"We knew that already," she answered, chuckling. "All that talk about G being in charge? It's just because he doesn't want anyone to get any ideas about him taking over."

Savannah squeezed his hand. "Long, long ago, when G decided that he was in charge, I told him that I'd be his PR person, because people need someone who's not in charge to go to, if they need to. I was barely getting to know him then. You're my husband and you're in charge. I'll give them a chance." She sighed and threw her free hand in the air. "What do I know? Maybe I'll end up liking them, a long, long time from now. Positive outcome only, right? And if they remind you of yourself, they can't be that bad, because I think you're quite amazing. Even when I'm pissed at you, that doesn't change."

She nodded. "I wasn't asking, because I know you wouldn't. I would, but you're not me." She smiled. "No, you weren't too wrong, even if we have philosophical differences about the topic, but if we didn't, you wouldn't have been a cop." She lay down on her side and brushed his hair, before kissing his cheek. "You're a good cop, not just a cop."

She spent most of her nights lying like that, and it was not getting more comfortable, so she sat up again. i know you were angry with them, but if they really saw this guy what should have they done? Gone after him themselves? You know there would have been problems and then it would have been worse. He needed to be stopped, but I'm sorry it had to be you. Still, you will never turn into that man or we would be having this conversation, And we should have more, if you need it. I'm not interested in information. You know I could know a lot more than I do if I wanted, and I don't even need special powers to get information. I just want to make sure you're all right.

Grinning, she kissed him back. "No apologies needed. I like it. It's... it feels right. Maybe not the first time, but then you were punching my breasts at the time, so I had reasons," she said, chuckling. "Whenever you need to talk, you don't need permission, because you already have it, and I can always hurt you in training if you overstay your welcome. It'll just have to be in a few months."

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