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deeks_marty (deeks_marty) wrote in omega_reality,

Marty used her grip on his hands to tug her a little closer so he could put his arms around her. "That's what I mean when I say I went about things wrong, Savannah." Sighing, he leaned his forehead against hers. "We used to be much better at this. What happened?"

Closing his eyes, he stood there a moment. Then he walked back to the bed and sat down, lifting Nicki into his lap when she came over and grabbed hold of his jeans. He switched back to speaking in her head because he didn't want Renko overhearing this conversation. Or Oliver and Tommy, for that matter. Cops shoot the bad guys, sure. And in self defense, when they're shooting at me or they're about to hurt someone else, I have no problems pulling that trigger. But, this is different. This was taking on the role of judge, jury, and execution. I know what he did. I know no one else could have been as sure because of the same thing that lets me talk to you like this. But, he wasn't an immediate threat to anyone. He was a guy at home in his apartment. If I'd done something like that at home, I'd be under investigation from I.A. and up on charges myself so fast even G couldn't keep up. This...it's not what cops do. It's what spies and military personnel do. Maybe it's what G and Sam do. But, it's not what cops do, what I do.

"And yes, that's part of why I trust Doug to do what needs to be done out there. When I started to think about it in the last few days since we last had this discussion, I think maybe it's part of the reason I came on too strong the first time with you, why I need to give them the benefit of the doubt without judging. Maybe they do think and feel the way you say, but plenty of people have changed and become better members of the team after they found their niche, or a reason to care. I'd like to think they've been conditioned by circumstance and just need someone to give them a chance. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm looking for my own redemption through them. But, whatever the reason, I never meant to make you feel less than the most important thing in my life, you and the girls, our son."

Nicki patted his cheek and he smiled at his daughter, kissing her cheek. "I'm trying really hard not to be my dad. When things didn't go his way, he drank and he got violent. If I can be okay with what I did, how much easier will it be the next time? How much easier will it become to make violence my answer? I already know how easily I can become someone like Max when I need to for a cover. It's too close."