Tony Stark (in_extremis) wrote in oh_marvelous, @ 2010-10-24 11:24:00 |
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Renaissance
Characters: Tony, Happy, Pepper, Raven, Nick and Wanda. Phew.
Setting: Opening in Maria Stark Memorial Hospital then, like, wherever man.
Content: Addiction recovery stuff.
Summary: Tony gets back on track.
"Yeah, sure. Yeah. My name is Tony. I've been sober for six weeks. Six-- thank you-- six weeks today.
"Today, I'm-- Today was a lot like yesterday. I've been thinking a lot, though, about this letter I wrote-- I found it on my hard drive, I was going to send it to Henry. This was, like, August, I wrote this, I was in a really bad place, and I knew it. I locked myself up in this place I have upstate because I didn't want to have to see anyone, and I thought I could do this myself. Well, I knew I couldn't, I was writing this letter, but I-- I like to think I can. It's a self-flagellation thing. So I started writing to Henry, I think, trying to process all of this for myself, I guess trying to do this but without having to admit it to anyone, because I have-- you see that pathology a lot here. It's why we're so lucky, I mean, I'm so grateful to see all of you here, every day. That's sort of what I've been thinking about, what I knew then, too.
"First, I wanna-- you, this group, and Henry, and everyone I've met doing their program-- it's not the same doing this when you're not really Anonymous. But you respect that, I've never been-- unwelcome, or exploited or-- I mean, this doesn't end up on TMZ. If I see you outside of this room--
"It's, I've been thinking about the people I should trust. And what I was feeling then, and what I didn't really let myself see, was how much I hurt those people, just by not trusting them, or really, aggressively-- I mean, physically hurt them. I guess that was what it took, not being able to excuse it or compartmentalize it, when I could look at something I'd done and I had to actually, you know, I didn't have anyone checking the math. And seeing that, I saw how I'd just been hurting all of these people who just-- they're the best people in the world because they put up with it, not just while I was drinking, but last time, and before that, and all the times in between when I'm, you know, sober and still a complete asshole. It's like, as soon as they stop saying, 'I'm proud of you, you're doing so much better', something just clicks and I start reflecting on those comments not with the humbleness and what I should have learned, but I really start feeling that pride, and I just forget how I got there. It's so delicate. I forget that it's all on me, and there's no excusing it, and I think its best that everyone else forget so we can all move on with our lives. That's the absolute worst thing you can do. For yourself. And it's an insult, to all of those people who were there for me all the way through, and are willing to still be there, to say, 'Okay, your job is done, let's just start over'.
"The letter-- I'm sorry.
"'Waking up is just the first of the really bad parts of my day. I'm hungover, and if I'm not still drunk, there is a gap where I have to be sober as long as it takes me to find and consume whatever will hit me the fastest. You get good at it.
Then it's like the exact same trajectory that brought me to this point contained in 24 hours. I start to sober up. I'm aware of myself. I start to be aware of everything outside of myself. I realize just what I've done, everything leading up to this, how every choice I made just dug me a deeper hole and the walls feel like they're made of glass. Why should I bother? Why should I climb out when I'm just going to fall back in again? I've seen this place before. So I have a glass of wine with dinner, and for the duration of that glass, there is nothing wrong in the world. Then the second glass isn't as good, not as potent, and I need a third.
By three bottles in, I'm aware of that hole again, the liquor isn't working anymore, but what else have I got?
So I wake up, and I'm hungover.
'I haven't seen you in a few years.
'What am I supposed to do about the people I see every day?'"