InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I want this, fate wont stop me"

Naomh Pádraig | Saint Patrick (naomh_padraig) wrote in nevermore_au,
@ 2013-01-08 23:44:00

Entry tags:

-abroad, saint darerca, saint george, saint padraig

WHO: Padraig, George and Darerca
WHAT: A re-soulenated Padraig is having a Moment
WHEN: After Patrick is resoulenated
WHERE: Padraig's farm
WARNINGS: Talk of torture and horribleness

It had returned as suddenly as it left him. One moment Padraig was whistling and boiling water without a care in the world, and the next he was on the floor of his cabin, backing up into the corner on his hands and knees. The horror of everything he had done in the past years weighing on him heavily. His eyes widened and he burst into tears, clutching his chest and crying so hard he couldn't breathe.

He had starved his brother and tortured him. He had allowed another version of himself to try to kill his sister. He had done it because he had lost a soul he hadn't even tried to give away in the first place.

It was too much to take and after hours of cowering in the corner and trying to figure out how to deal with what he had done, he had headed to his barn, his gait deliberate. He grabbed a heavy bag of sand and a rope and he carried them both to the edge of the cliff which plunged down to the sea. He had spent so many years in captivity, fighting to not throw himself off the edge. Hope had kept him alive; hope of escaping his master and heading home. Now he had no hope. He had committed atrocities he could never live with.

Padraig tied one end of the rope to the sandbag and the other to his ankle. If he threw himself off the cliff, the weight would keep him submerged. The water would keep him from coming back, at least until his body decomposed or drifted too far out to sea and he just popped back to Ireland somewhere. And then he could do it again.

He stared off the cliff and sighed, watching the water churn below him.

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	adragonbright 2013-01-19 11:07 pm UTC (link)
	"It really wasn't," George said, shaking himself out of his sadness. "It was all the bits left of you after they yanked out your soul, but your soul is you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	naomh_padraig 2013-01-19 11:13 pm UTC (link)
	Padraig nodded mutely before saying, "I'm going to move. I couldn't stand to be in that house any more." Every time he walked down the hall he would think of his brother on the other side of the door, starving and desperate. "I don't know where to go." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-19 11:29 pm UTC (link)
	"Why don't you come to London?" George offered, before he even realized that he was saying it. "I-I mean, you don't have to stay with me there, if you'd prefer to have your own place, but..." He picked at his nails and lamely finished, "the change of scenery might be good." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	naomh_padraig 2013-01-20 12:15 am UTC (link)
	Unsure of what he would do there, Padraig nodded anyway. Even if George locked him up again, it would be better than living in his house in Dublin. But he didn't think George would do that. "It's where I tried to kill you though. But I guess...I guess we can try to make things different." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-20 12:25 am UTC (link)
	"A lot of people have tried to kill me in that house," George said. He smiled wryly at Darerca. "Some succeeded. And you don't have to if you don't want to. But someone needs to be looking out for you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

naomh_padraig
2013-01-20 12:30 am UTC (link)

Darerca smiled right back at George, and then she spoke up. "George is right. You shouldn't be alone right now. And I wouldn't go near Columba for a while. He's- gonna need some time."

Padraig buried his face in his hands at that. He had removed the other saint's head and buried it so Columba couldn't come back. He still remembered the feeling of the sword he had used cutting through Columba's neck.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-20 12:41 am UTC (link)
	George reached out and rested a hand on Padraig's shoulder tenatively. "They'll be time to apologize to him one day. When he wants to hear it from you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	naomh_padraig 2013-01-20 01:21 am UTC (link)
	"As if apologising will ever be enough," he muttered. He felt empty and he didn't know that he would ever feel otherwise. He didn't believe that God should have allowed this to happen. He felt abandoned. And though he knew the truth behind the Church, he was losing faith that God had any kind of plan or offered protection at all. "I'm not a saint any more." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-20 01:39 am UTC (link)
	"I don't think you get to decide that," George said. He wasn't trying to be combative, but it was true. He'd wanted to stop being a saint many times before. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	naomh_padraig 2013-01-23 03:07 am UTC (link)
	"I can decide whether or not to do His work though." Padraig felt defeated and broken and he leaned back against the sofa with a sigh. "I'm not going to. I'm going to separate myself from the church and focus on making things right for both of you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

adragonbright
2013-01-24 07:09 pm UTC (link)

George wasn't entirely sure that was a good idea, since the Church was so much a part of Padraig's life. But after what Padraig had been through (what they'd all been through), maybe a change would do him some good, even if it wasn't permanent.

"If that's what you want," George said. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched Padraig's shoulder again. "I told you that I could forgive you, even when it was the soulless you that was asking. That hasn't changed, Padraig."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	naomh_padraig 2013-01-25 10:49 am UTC (link)
	"I've changed," Padraig said simply. "I'm not soulless any more, but I'm not the man I used to be either. I can't be. I don't know who I am now, but it's not your brother." It was what he felt deep down and he had to make them understand. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-26 02:28 am UTC (link)
	"You'll always be my brother," George said, crossing his arms. "That's something you definitely don't get to decide." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

naomh_padraig
2013-01-26 02:32 am UTC (link)

"But I'm not!" Padraig yelled, standing up all of a sudden. "I'm not your brother, George! You shouldn't torture yourself by being around me!" Even though he was fairly sure he had just begged not to be alone and agreed to go to London with George. He was upset. Logic had flown out the window about the time he lost his soul, and it was yet to return.

Darerca stayed silent, but she glanced worriedly at George to gauge his reaction.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-26 03:01 am UTC (link)
	George's expression went flat, fury flashing across his face for a brief second before he could shut it down. "If it was torture to be around you, I wouldn't choose to be around you," he snapped. "Have you considered that helping you might be important for me too, Padraig?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	naomh_padraig 2013-01-26 03:06 am UTC (link)
	Padraig backed away from George, too distraught to be angry. That didn't mean he wasn't worked up. "What, so you can concentrate on someone else's pain instead of your own? I should lose myself. Go somewhere where no one knows me. You'll move on. Find a new person to call brother." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-26 03:18 am UTC (link)
	"Siblings aren't like puppies, you can't just go find a new one if the old one runs away," George said, getting to his feet because he was too full of energy to stay sitting. "I have brothers! I don't want new ones! Do you really think having you disappear completely would make me feel any better?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

naomh_padraig
2013-01-26 03:21 am UTC (link)

"YES!" Padraig bellowed, pacing. "Yes, because eventually you're going to get over the relief that I have a soul again, and you're going to wake up and realise the man in your house starved you. For weeks. And enjoyed it. I sent text messages to Patrick, bragging about what I was doing to you, George. You'll realise I am not your brother. There is no blood between us. Just memories of someone I used to be and a whole lot of trauma and I can't do it!"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-26 03:31 am UTC (link)
	"And I locked you in my house!" George shouted. "I took away your freedom, I was cruel and arrogant, and I did all of that with a soul! You are not the only person here to have hurt someone you love!" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

naomh_padraig
2013-01-26 03:40 am UTC (link)

"You didn't starve me!" Padraig shouted back. "You were going to let me out to eat Christmas dinner with you. You visited me every day and brought me things to keep me from feeling too claustrophobic." The fact that it hadn't really worked wasn't important right now. "I made you sick and you're still sick and I didn't care! Dammit, George!"

Darerca was very close to speaking her mind, but she waited silently, her red eyebrows raised so high they almost met her hairline.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-26 03:48 am UTC (link)
	George wanted to yell about understanding regret, about understanding what it was to hate yourself, but he doubted Padraig would listen. Instead, his posture rigid and his jaw stiff, he said, "If you leave, I'll follow you. And I'll find you, no matter where you go." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

naomh_padraig
2013-01-26 03:59 am UTC (link)

"Dammit, George-" Padraig bellowed, but he didn't get any farther than that. Darerca had finally stood up.

"No, dammit both of you!" She yelled to the both of them. Padraig had forgotten how imposing his sister could be sometimes. She often seemed really sweet, but this was the woman who could attack you from behind and slit your throat before you even noticed it was happening.

"Padraig, family is about more than blood and even if you don't share blood with George, you do with me. Sit the hell back down now."

For some reason, Padraig did.

"You were torn away from me once. You spent nearly a century hating me. Like hell I'm letting you just walk out of here. So if you are both done comparing cock size, can we have an actual conversation about this?"

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	adragonbright 2013-01-27 02:41 am UTC (link)
	George stared askance at Darerca for a moment before he said, "I forgot how scary you are when you're angry." He offered her a rueful smile and sat back down on the couch. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

naomh_padraig
2013-01-27 04:26 pm UTC (link)

Darerca returned his smile, the expression slightly wry. "Padraig, we get you're upset about what you did. Which was really terrible, yes, but it wasn't like you did it by choice. It's like...you were brainwashed. Therefore, you aren't responsible. So you can be upset to, but you really need to stop saying things like you aren't going to be around George any more because all that is going to do is punish him further for something that wasn't either of your faults."

Padraig groaned, but he couldn't deny the logic behind it. "It's easy to say, but you don't understand how it feels to know I did those things to George."

"Oh I don't?" Darerca hissed at him. "I killed you, Padraig. I killed my own brother to save someone I really hated at the time."

That silenced him and he sort of stared at his sister mutely.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	adragonbright 2013-01-28 01:28 am UTC (link)
	"You're not the only person whose done terrible things," George said softly. "And isolating yourself afterwards isn't good for you. You think it will be, but it just leaves you alone and lets your mind cannibalize itself with guilt." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)