InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "keep moving forward"

bleached_wonder (bleached_wonder) wrote in mirage_rpg,
@ 2009-02-08 18:33:00

Entry tags:

astor bennett, complete, day 31, spike

Who: Spike and Open :)
When: Day 31 morning
What: Spike gets a snack..
Rating: PG or lower so far.
Status: Incomplete

Spike grumbled, sniffing the air around him, he was hungry enough to eat a whole restaurant full of people. Of course his soul wouldn't let him do that, so he'd have to settle for blood from a fridge or something. If he could find where the damn kitchens in this place were. He'd had a rough night, he normally slept in the day, but hadn't really had a chance, so he'd decided to catch up in the night, so he'd be fresh for whatever was thrown at him next. Stupid soul seemed intent on sending him insane. Again.

All he ever dreamt about was blood, killing,. the chase, his prey, the pounding of all the blood around him, then he'd dream of sceams, and pleads that he'd ignored. A million faces in terror, all the people he'd kill. He felt guility. But he didn't feel as bad as he should, it just annoyed him. Everyone expected him to feel so bad, to want to repent. He did feel bad, he wouldn't do it again. But he couldn't have helped it. He didn't have a soul then. They were his natraul prey. Did they feel bad about the animals they mass killed for their substance? He doubted it. Did lions feel bad when they ate gazelles? Nope, so he didn't dwell on it. Didn't stop the dreams and the nagging guilty feeling though.

He made it across to the main building as the first rays of light came up. So he'd be hanging round here for the day then. He found the big kitchens. Ignoring all the smells of humans, amongst other things, the heartbeats, voices he could hear, the emotions he could smell and hear, walking to the counter. "Now planet, if I get this straight I just ask for what I want right now." he remembered that mercy chick the day before asking for the sun to be blocked so he could walk around in daylight. He ignored anyone who could have been in there, not really caring if they thought he was crazy.

"Now some O-negative, at body temperature would be bloody beautiful.." He thought about two steaming bags of blood, and could feel himself salivating. Looking around, before starting as he saw his mental picture become reality on the counter before him. He vamped out, smelling the rich scent of blood. Moaning as he found a mug and using a fang to break a whole in the bag and pouring the steaming bag half in. Taking sip, game face still he moaned loudly. Perfect. A little artificial tasting, not real genuine, fresh out of the human, but pretty close, and in a whole different league to pigs blood.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

miami_angel97
2009-02-09 12:22 pm UTC (link)

As he spoke, Astor looked back at him, blinking with disbelief. "You mean you're not even alive?" she breathed. "How are you walking and talking?" she asked. Astor couldn't grasp the concept of the living dead or more confusing, still, the undead. "Dexter's my mom's boyfriend," she went on. "They're getting married and I have to miss it," she added sadly. But, when he stuck his tongue out at her, she couldn't help giggling a little.

She smiled back up at him. No one here had given her a nickname yet, unless she counted 'kid' or 'kiddo' and she hated those, anyway. Spike reminded her of Dexter, she realized. He talked to her like she was a grown up even though he knew she wasn't. It made her very happy to be addressed that way. "Okay, I guess that's all right," she said with a little smirk. If 'pet' wasn't condescending (and Astor didn't think it was), she definitely didn't mind it.

He told her to hold onto the tray tightly and so she did and let out a squeal of surprise and amusement when he lifted her up so she could reach to put the tray in the oven. "Okay, all set," she said with a grin. "Now we just have to wait until they're done," she told him.

"I don't know, just most grown ups don't want a little kid hanging around," she said with a shrug. She gave him a small smile when he declared that he thought Sam was a friend. Astor made a mental note to keep Spike a very special secret so that Sam, Sam Winchester wouldn't ever hunt him.

Spiked sounded sad when he said that people weren't his food anymore. She closed her eyes and leaned against his hand when he stroked her hair. The last time someone had done that, it had been Mom before bed the night before she'd ended up here. She missed that sort of a reassuring touch. It made her feel safe, even if his fingers were cold. He called his 'his Demon.' Dark Passenger, Inside Shadow, Demon. At this rate, she'd never keep all the names straight... But what Astor didn't understand was that Spike hadn't had one until he died, he said.

He answered her question saying that he'd killed thousands and Astor looked back at him with awestruck amazement, until she realized that he looked ashamed. Dexter wasn't ashamed and Astor couldn't understand why Spike was. Especially if he lived by Dexter's Code - if the people had been bad people, Spike had done the world a favor. Why didn't he see that?

Astor listened intently to him and her grin fell away. He didn't like it anymore. It didn't feel good to him. She'd chosen wrong again. "Does that mean I don't have a soul?" she asked quietly; ashamed. "Because sometimes I want to hurt somebody so much it aches in my stomach and gives me headaches. Sometimes I want to put my hands around somebody's neck and squeeze until their eyes pop out and I want it so much it makes me antsy and wiggly. And one time, my brother and I tied up the neighbor's cat and I stole Dexter's chainsaw and I wanted to rip that cat to shreds. I wanted to cut it up into a million little pieces and when my mom caught me and punished me before I could it made me so angry," she said, her soft voice harshening as she gritted her teeth. It was as if she was feeling the anger wash over her all over again. In a way, she was.

She paused. "Does that make me bad...?" she asked him, furrowing her brow and putting on the brave face again, because the thought that she was bad and that Dexter had been lying when he told her she wasn't made her want to cry.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

bleached_wonder
2009-02-09 01:11 pm UTC (link)

He smiled at her as she breathed, reaching for her hand and putting it where his pulse should be on his wrist. "I'll have to explain that one some time when we're sat down and I can draw diagrams or something.. I don't really understand that one that well." he cocked an eyebrow, smiling at her giggling, sticking his tongue back out at her for revenge for laughing at him. "I'm sure we'll go back sometime.. this hunk o' rock will get bored sooner or later pet.." Rolling his eyes at her picking over his naming choice.

He peered in the oven before grabbing the bowl out the microwave and sipping his blood from the rim in human face, even if it was awkward to keep the mask on whilst eating he didn't want to scare her. "Can't wait.." he smiled to her, "I would offer you some blood, but I don't think it's good for humans.." He cocked his head, amused by the idea of people adding shots of blood to their starbucks.

He watched her reactions to his admission, she seemed awestruck. "Pet.. I did bad wrong things.. I hurt good people, priests, nuns, mums, kids.. cos it was fun for me.. because I didn't have a soul. Now sometimes I want to just grab someone and snap them, because they annoy me and I know that I can.. and I have hurt people since the soul.. but know I know it's wrong.." He smiled weakly. "You have a soul.. you just have another side to you pet, a strong side that wants you to do bad things.. it uses your emotions and your anger as fuel.." He said simply.

He smiled to her. "Doesn't make you bad, makes you more interesting.." He said with a cheeky grin and a gulp of blood. "Just gotta find yourself somewhere to release all those emotions, like that anger at the cat.." He said understandingly. "and then at your mum.. and use 'em to do something.. it gets easier as you get older pet.." He patter her on her shoulder comfortingly as he could. "You've fought hard I bet to stay in control of who you are and what you do.. and your a good girl from what I've seen.. and I've seen a whole load 'a brats who 'ent got no shadow as an excuse" He smiled to her. "Now how long until those cinnamon things are done?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

miami_angel97
2009-02-09 01:47 pm UTC (link)

When Spike took her hand, she froze instinctively, her breath catching in her throat. He'd said he wouldn't hurt her, but she hadn't been expecting that. She relaxed again when he simply put her hand on his wrist where his pulse should be. Astor couldn't feel anything, but she'd always been bad at checking wrist pulses, so she pulled her hand away and pressed two fingers against the pulse point on his neck. And waited. She felt nothing. Astor blinked and tipped her head to the side slightly, pushing her fingers a little harder against his skin, because maybe she was doing it wrong. He said he'd explain sometime when they were sitting and he could draw diagrams; Astor took her hand away. Did that mean he would spend time with her again? "I hope it happens in time for me to go to Mom's wedding," she said quietly. "I'm supposed to be the flower girl."

Spike said he'd offer her some blood except that it wasn't good for humans and Astor wrinkled her nose in disgust. "That's okay, Spike," she said slowly, "I don't want any anyway." She stuck her tongue out at him, this time.

When he went on Astor's excitement deflated further. He was sorry. Suddenly, he seemed far less Dexter-like to her and in a place where she was groping at nothing to find someone to take her under their wing, the idea that Spike wasn't it, either, made her sad. Would she ever find someone?

To be fair, though, Spike was doing one thing Dexter hadn't ever even tried to do. Spike was telling her what the Inside Shadow really was and how it worked. But, he said she wasn't bad and took another gulp of the blood, making Astor pull a face a shudder a little, and then said that she just needed to find somewhere to release all the anger. Like...an outlet? she wondered to herself. She felt a little relieved that he said it would get easier when she got older, but then she thought of Dexter again and furrowed her brow with thoughtful confusion. Maybe Dexter's control was the way he seemed to be fooling everyone into thinking he was normal. Maybe his outlet was the bad people. Maybe Astor was completely off and she'd never understand or maybe Spike was mistaken.

She took a deep breath and looked back at him. "It's okay if you say no, but..." she let her voice trail off and fidgetted nervously. Sam, Sam Winchester had said he would try to help her, but Sam had also said that he didn't understand. Spike clearly did. But, she'd just met him and he was a grown up with probably better things to do... "Can you help me?" she practically whispered, cheeks burning with shame. She cleared her throat and tried to speak louder. "Will you show me how?"

Astor shifted herself from one foot to the other awkwardly and looked down. He could say no and she'd just keep asking Sam, but Sam would never understand; couldn't ever understand. A small part of her, hidden deep beneath the awakened Inside Shadow, wanted to ask him to take care of her. Nobody else would ever get it and she'd never be able to tell anyone else. Dexter had said not to and so had Sam. People would be afraid of her and Astor was already lonely enough without Cody.

She'd never ask Spike, though. Not out loud. Partially because she didn't want to be rude but mostly because she thought if she really did ask him and he said no, she'd be too embarrassed to talk to him anymore and Astor needed someone like Spike. If only to feel like less of a freakish version of what a little girl her age should be. Sidney hadn't seemed comfortable with Astor asking about when she'd killed Ghostface. Sam had looked at her with something akin to fear in his eyes when she'd started asking so many questions about the things he killed. Rose had chastised her for her opinion that bad people deserved to die. How many more people would she end up unintentionally alienating or very intentionally shutting out?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

miami_angel97
2009-02-09 01:47 pm UTC (link)

"Fifteen minutes," she replied at his question of how much longer until the cinnamon rolls were done. Her eyes were still on her feet, because she was still uncomfortable with herself. Even if Spike seemed to understand exactly who she was and how she worked, he wasn't like her anymore, he'd said. Astor was alone. Without Dexter, no one would ever be just like her, she was coming to realize, and it was a very, very lonesome and sad feeling that was overcoming her at the thought. She sighed. The cinnamon rolls had seemed like a really good idea at the time, but with every minute that went by, Astor had less and less of an appetite. The cinnamon rolls didn't sound so good, anymore.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -