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Tweak says, "I was so fuckin' scared . . ."

Captain Jack Harkness (foreverjack) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-02-07 09:59:00

Entry tags:

aidan reilly, ianto jones, jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), martha jones

Day 414 / Open action
Jack's out and about today but he's starting to like Mistletoe Days less and less the longer he's here. And especially just now – given the current delicate state of his blue-band relationship, getting caught by a bot today just seems like it'll be asking for trouble!

Nevertheless, he will inevitably get caught. A man can't live without his coffee, and he's determined to make up for his binge drinking over the last couple of days (or twenty years) by getting back into his early morning swim routine.

He's kind of looking for Ianto too. A little too nervous to actually call him and get this talking thing started, more kind of hoping he'll just run into him and – well. Things will just happen.

((OOC: Decided to put this in a separate post for easier navigation on potentially long threads!))

((Note: NSFW happenings in the Ianto thread (surprise surprise!!!) ))

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foreverjack
2017-02-07 05:41 pm UTC (link)

It's certainly not an ideal set of circumstances for the kind of sensible, grown-up kind of conversation they need to have about their relationship. But it's going to happen anyway.

He stops dead at the sight of Ianto at close quarters, giving almost as much a deer in the headlights impression as Ianto is. Looking for him (kind of) is one thing; abruptly coming face to face with him is quite another. Especially when he tries to take a step back just to give Ianto some space and hits an invisible forcefield.

"Uh, hi," he says weakly, studying him anxiously to try and work out how this might go.

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readystopwatch
2017-02-07 06:27 pm UTC (link)

They were never going to have those perfect circumstances if they're entirely honest about it. Maybe in the long run this is best. They're literally trapped together and forced to interact. Ianto is having a hard time focusing on that positive aspect just now though. What's more on his mind is that Jack looks just as scared and unsure as he feels, which isn't something he's used to seeing from him. Jack always seems so confident that on the rare occasions he is vulnerable it always makes him pause.

"Hi." It feels awkward, like not nearly enough. There's so much more he wants to say, to actually sit down and talk out now that they've both had time to think about things but he can feel the barrier bumping against his back and he knows he won't have time to say any of it.

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foreverjack
2017-02-08 07:25 pm UTC (link)

He's lost a lot of confidence over this - more even than he lost over the whole thing with Spike the first time around. This time, he's not only terrified of losing Ianto, but in some ways terrified of not losing him too, and everything that might entail.

He's been rehearsing this conversation in his head, but now that he's found Ianto it all goes out of his mind, and this isn't how he hoped it would go anyway. All right, at least Ianto isn't looking thunderous or turning tail and running or anything, but he could really do without the little bot standing there chirping cheerfully about kissing. He gives it a glare and turns back to Ianto, hesitates for a moment and then makes a decision. The hell with it. He talks better with his actions anyway, and if the bot wants them to kiss, then kiss they will.

He steps up to Ianto, places a hand on either side of his face, and kisses him, pouring out all his anxiety and desperation and sadness and confusion.

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readystopwatch
2017-02-08 07:57 pm UTC (link)

It feels like it's been years since they kissed, since there was anything but anger and resentment between them. And while there's still hurt there he finds he's immediately overwhelmed by relief and loneliness and how much he's missed all of this. He doesn't want to be fighting with him, he wants to figure this out and make it work and they're going to need to talk up to it, to work so hard to get things right but all he can think about right now is how desperately he just wants to be kissing him right now.

His hands are tangled in the blue cotton of his shirt and he can feel tears pricking at his eyes and threatening to spill over down his cheeks and he has no idea if the bot has released them or not because he can't bring himself to pull away or let go.

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foreverjack
2017-02-09 06:04 pm UTC (link)

It does feel like years. They lived twenty years in one night and although a lot of the memories have faded, they're still there, still overshadowing everything. But Ianto is kissing him back, warm and giving and - well, actually - seemingly just as desperate as he is, and his own eyes fill with tears too as he moans longingly into the kiss, his heart aching for what they had, what they might still have if they can just get through this, his hands clutching at Ianto's hair and clothes because he doesn't want to let go either.

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readystopwatch
2017-02-09 07:19 pm UTC (link)

He can't breathe around the smell and the feel of him. It's like he's choking on how badly he wants things to be fixed, for this to be some fairytale kiss that solves everything and ends all their problems. It isn't and it won't but he desperately wants it to and he takes some tiny bit of comfort in the fact that Jack seems just as desperate as he does.

Eventually the kiss has to stop but he just buries his head against his shoulder, still clinging to him, still shaking. It's a very long moment be fore he speaks and when he does his voice is hesitant but steady. "Do you want to go someplace and talk?" Actually talk, not what they did last time.

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foreverjack
2017-02-09 10:01 pm UTC (link)

For once, they are both totally on the same page, and the irony is thick enough to suffocate him if he thinks about it, so he tries not to, tries to just focus on how Ianto feels in his arms, and the want he can feel tingling out from his body. He holds him even once the kiss has ended, feeling him shake, desperate to put this right but so, so scared he's going to screw it up again.

All he can do when Ianto finally voices what they're both trying to get up the courage to say, is nod. He lifts his head enough to look round and work out where they are, because he's completely forgotten. "Uh. Trois Park?" Can't get more soothing and peaceful than that.

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readystopwatch
2017-02-09 11:33 pm UTC (link)

"Alright." The park is close and it's both public and yet still private which seems like a good idea just now. He wants to hold Jack's hand while they walk there but stops himself. They still need to talk this out, they can't just fuck it away and ignore it the way they usually do.

The park is peaceful, sure enough. And deserted which is just as important. He finds a bench and takes a seat, since that seems less confrontational than the way they handled things last time. He's not quite sure where to start - Don't beat up my vampire boyfriend just because you're drunk and angry comes to mind but he'll save that topic for later. It's unexpectedly awkward and that doesn't happen often between them. They've been together for so long now it's usually easy to read each other. Again, maybe that's part of the problem.

Maybe he better start small. "I'm sorry for storming out like that the other day. It was childish of me."

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foreverjack
2017-02-10 01:10 pm UTC (link)

If and when Ianto does bring up the beating up Spike part, Jack will be sure to point out that Spike grabbed him first and goaded him and in the language of their relationship that's tantamount to an invitation to whale on him to get things out of his system.

However, even though he might not be good at this talking thing, he does understand that beating up Spike is not a good place to start this, so he stays quiet as they walk to the park, still nervous but a little less tense now that they've broken the floodgates, so to speak, now that he's seen and felt for himself that Ianto feels the same way he does about wanting to fix this. He sits down on the bench with a little exhale of relief that they're actually here, together, ready to talk, and shakes his head with a small, rueful smile in response to Ianto's apology.

"Don't worry about it. Neither of us were exactly in control of ourselves. Not really surprising given what the AIs had just dumped on us."

He makes a face. "I'm really sorry it came to that. That you felt you couldn't talk to me about any of that stuff before."

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readystopwatch
2017-02-10 02:17 pm UTC (link)

"No, neither of us were." They had both been reacting in part to things that never really happened. It's hard to be objective when you can't tell for sure what memories are fake, only that they all feel real. Maybe they should have waited a few days like this to sort things out, let them fade and calm down. Too late now; time to focus on picking up the pieces as best they can.

"I know I'm responsible for part of that as well. I've never made much of an effort to open up to you about things. Maybe because of how this all started out." With lies and secrets and a cyberwoman hidden in their basement. Not the best reasons to start sleeping with anyone but it built up a habit of compartmentsizing, of keeping things seperate and secret and away from Jack even when he shouldn't have. They've both made a mess of it.

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foreverjack
2017-02-10 09:59 pm UTC (link)

The way Jack sees it, the memories may be fake but the issues they've raised are only too real and that a lot of this really was inevitable, in one way or another. But Ianto sitting there and admitting that he's at fault too, that he wasn't misreading all those signals that said to him Don't ask me personal quesitons all this time, is a huge, massive relief.

"Thank you," he says, his chin dropping to his chest for a moment as he just lets out a huge breath. He looks up at Ianto. "I want you to be able to talk to me about anything you want to. I don't want to be some big scary boss person you don't think is interested in anything you've got to say!"

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readystopwatch
2017-02-11 01:29 pm UTC (link)

"That's still absolutely what you are, Jack." Ianto replies seriously, not about to let him off the hook yet. They're both at fault here and he needs to make sure he understands that. He can't help but think of Kirk's advice from earlier today and while he's not going to do anything as drastic as call their relationship off and start over there are a few things that have been wrong right from the begining that they need to try to rebuild before it's too late. The only difference is this time he plans to do a better job explaining himself than he did before.

"Think about anything you know about my past or my personal life from back home. Did I tell you any of it? Or did you research it before you hired me or when you got curious?" Because the only thing he can remember telling Jack was that his father was a tailor, something he's fairly sure Jack still doesn't know was a lie. It's not a question he's asking to be cruel or start their argument all over again. It's simply the only way he can think of to illustrate what he's talking about here, the reason he's never really felt comfortable opening up to him. Because Jack makes it seem like he shouldn't.

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foreverjack
2017-02-11 02:32 pm UTC (link)

That first statement gets him a shocked look, especially with how seriously it's said. It hurts, to hear it stated as baldly as all that. But at least he's had time to get used to the idea now, to think it through a little, and he's ready to work on this, even if he still isn't really sure how.

And he's worked out enough to be able to explain where it's coming from with him, at least a little. "Yes of course there were background checks, but I left it at that. I didn't want to pry. That's how we worked at Torchwood. We had thieves and criminals and - hell - ex-conmen working there, but we left the past in the past. It was what we did while we were there that mattered.

"And that's how I work in general. I live in the now. I try not to worry about the future--" which is a part of a reason everything from that imagined future hit him so hard; he just wasn't prepared for it "--and I try not to dwell on the past too." He shrugs. "Is it so hard to believe that I just assumed you wanted the same? I mean, obviously I was wrong, I get that now, but..."

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readystopwatch
2017-02-11 02:47 pm UTC (link)

This was never going to be an easy conversation, but he can't help but feel like they should have had it a long time ago. It might have solved all these problems.

"I understand that. And I understand why you try not to think about the past or the future, I really do. I don't always feel like telling you every detail of my life either. But the way we started out with so many secrets from each other set the dynamic for how we interact and we've never really changed it. Even here it feels like I only open up to you in a crisis, not because I want you to know something about me or how I'm feeling. And that future might now have been true but the idea that I wouldn't know how to explain to you what was bothering me? That felt very real."

And he doesn't want that. He's fine with not spilling all his deepest darkest secrets to Jack. It's easier to talk to Spike about those sorts of things and he has more of an interest in it anyway. But he can't live feeling like he can never tell Jack anything important, either. That's the issue.

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foreverjack
2017-02-11 08:58 pm UTC (link)

They probably should have - and would have, if talking was something they'd actually been used to doing. He's only just starting to realise what a big obstacle them not being used to talking actually is.

"It did feel real," he agrees, nodding. "And it's weird because... I've opened up to you a hell of a lot more since we got here. And I don't know how I never noticed you hadn't done the same."

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readystopwatch
2017-02-11 10:48 pm UTC (link)

"I have, to the same extent you have I think." They both know he never would have said I love you before they got here and had the chance to get this close to each other.

"I don't need to be able to share every little thought that goes through my head, Jack. It's something I do better with Spike and I think we're all fine with that dynamic of our relationship. But it scares me to think I wouldn't even feel I could talk to you about something that really is important. I want to be able to change that, but I think it's the sort of thing we both have to understand before it can really work." He never would have said all that to Jack before coming here, either. They really are changing, hopefully for the better.

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foreverjack
2017-02-11 11:52 pm UTC (link)

"Okay," he says slowly, and yes, they have come a long way already, because they wouldn't have been sitting here talking like this even a few days ago.

He leans forward a bit, unusually earnest. "I want you to feel you can talk to me. What can I do to help with that? Should I keep checking in with you, asking if everything's okay? Should I randomly tell you stuff about myself and encourage you to do the same, in the interests of mutual sharing? Should I - I don't know - should I keep reminding you I love you and want you to share things with me? Or is it enough that I've told you now that I am willing to listen, that I do want you to tell me if things are troubling you?"

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readystopwatch
2017-02-12 06:38 pm UTC (link)

He considers for a long moment, actually thinking about it because he has to. This isn't a decision they can just rush into or something they can just decide is fixed. This is a big deal, for them and for their relationship and after the past few days he wants to make sure he gets it right.

"For now knowing you'll make an effort to hear me when it's really important is a good start. I think little steps are the best way to start this. If we make some big, dramatic change we both know we won't be able to stick to it. It's something we both have to work at." But maybe having some space from those artificial memories will make it easier to try.

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foreverjack
2017-02-12 10:04 pm UTC (link)

He watches Ianto think about it, anxious and ridiculously nervous becasue what if he's reconsidering it all, or coming up with some new demand that he'll never be able to live up to. Hell, he doesn't know if he'll even be able to live up to this one, but he's going to do his damndest to try!

"I want to try and make an effort to hear you even when it's not really important too," he says seriously, even whilst he nods to acknowledge the point about not sticking to big, dramatic changes. "I know it's not something I'm good at, but it's important and so I'm going to try. I've got so close to you here, Ianto, and I don't want to lose that."

A breath. "And in return, I want you to try to remember what I've said here, that I do want you to talk to me and tell me things, even if it seems like I don't want that at the time. Okay? If I come over all distatnt and unreachable, it might well be that it's just been so long I've forgotten how to turn that off."

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readystopwatch
2017-02-13 01:53 pm UTC (link)

"Alright." It's going to take compromise on both their parts, but Jack is right. They've gotten so close here and been through so much he can't let it all end based on fears of something that might happen. "It seems like a good place to start."

And starting is something, at least. He reaches out to take Jack's hand, threading their fingers together in the first real contact they've had in days - he can't quite count the kissing ambush just now since it wasn't their idea - and feeling a flood of emotions hit him as he does. There were moments after their fight when he genuinely thought he was going to lose all this and all at once it feels overwhelming to think about how close they actually came to doing that.

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foreverjack
2017-02-13 03:59 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah." He tenses for a moment when Ianto's fingers brush his, because it's not something he was expecting to happen, and it makes his chest tighten as those fingers thread through his. As it hits him just how tightly Ianto has wound his way into his life and around his heart.

"I don't want to lose you," he says, low and unsteady, not looking at him because he feels way too vulnerable. "I'm scared I won't be able to change enough for you." Like in that fictional future.

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readystopwatch
2017-02-13 04:17 pm UTC (link)

"I don't want you to change, not really." He loves him, he loves the way he is, he always has. "I want the way we interact to change, that's all." They've done it before but it's always happened naturally, not because they sat down and addressed their problems. This is new for them and he's still scared it will ruin things.

He looks down at their hands and askes quietly, "Can we go home now?" It feels like years since he's been there, since they've been together and suddenly he doesn't want to spend the rest of the day dodging robotsnor kissing other people. He wants to try to make things feel normal again.

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foreverjack
2017-02-14 11:07 am UTC (link)

"I'm not sure they're all that different, really," he mutters helplessly, because changing the way he operates certainly feels like a pretty major change, even if he's coming round to the idea that some of that change might be a good thing for him too, if he can just achieve it.

Perhaps just starting to want to change is the most important part, though.

Ianto's question makes a lump come to his throat, both the question itself with everything it's loaded with, and the almost pitiful way it's asked. He looks down at their hands too, and twists his lips wryly. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asks, because there's nothing he'd love more than taking Ianto home but he's also painfully aware how that's likely to end up. "We always seem to get distracted at home. I want to make sure we've done all the talking we need to this time before we... get distracted!"

If Ianto's still up for something more than talking. He's getting pretty strong signals that he is, but at this stage he's trying not to take anything for granted.

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readystopwatch
2017-02-14 02:21 pm UTC (link)

Jack's reluctance makes me glance up at him, worried and suddenly doubting himself. But he feels like all they've done lately is talk and even if they're going to keep it up he doesn't want to do it here. He's so tired of being hurt and unhappy and distant from Jack and even if the memories of that future feel less real each day it still seems like it's been years since they were together, since they've connected and while he wants things to work better he knows that's how they've always communicated best and he suddenly wants it desperately.

"Please." There's so much need in that one word. He needs to feel like they're making this work, like they're on the same page and together again. He needs resolution and there's one surefire way they've always managed that.

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foreverjack
2017-02-14 10:14 pm UTC (link)

He can feel the distress and tension coming from Ianto through the hand that's still in his, and at the single-word plea he finally looks up at him, seeing the same emotions on his face, only magnified. He bites his lip, because it would be so easy, to just whisk him away home and make love to him and make everything better.

Except that that's what he always does. And he's starting to learn that it's not enough.

"Seriously, though." He keeps his voice low and gentle, control painfully tight, though his own longing is showing in his eyes, now that he's actually looking at Ianto. "I want to do this right, this time. All I've heard from everybody lately is that I think with my dick and I need to be able to connect with people in other ways. I need to be able to do this with talking. I'm scared that if I just give in and take you home and - and do all the things I want to do, it's not going to be enough and afterwards things will just be the same as they always were and we won't have actually got anywhere."