InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "In fact, he's kind of sweet."

Captain Jack Harkness (foreverjack) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-02-07 09:59:00

Entry tags:

aidan reilly, ianto jones, jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), martha jones

Day 414 / Open action
Jack's out and about today but he's starting to like Mistletoe Days less and less the longer he's here. And especially just now – given the current delicate state of his blue-band relationship, getting caught by a bot today just seems like it'll be asking for trouble!

Nevertheless, he will inevitably get caught. A man can't live without his coffee, and he's determined to make up for his binge drinking over the last couple of days (or twenty years) by getting back into his early morning swim routine.

He's kind of looking for Ianto too. A little too nervous to actually call him and get this talking thing started, more kind of hoping he'll just run into him and – well. Things will just happen.

((OOC: Decided to put this in a separate post for easier navigation on potentially long threads!))

((Note: NSFW happenings in the Ianto thread (surprise surprise!!!) ))

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

readystopwatch
2017-02-11 02:47 pm UTC (link)

This was never going to be an easy conversation, but he can't help but feel like they should have had it a long time ago. It might have solved all these problems.

"I understand that. And I understand why you try not to think about the past or the future, I really do. I don't always feel like telling you every detail of my life either. But the way we started out with so many secrets from each other set the dynamic for how we interact and we've never really changed it. Even here it feels like I only open up to you in a crisis, not because I want you to know something about me or how I'm feeling. And that future might now have been true but the idea that I wouldn't know how to explain to you what was bothering me? That felt very real."

And he doesn't want that. He's fine with not spilling all his deepest darkest secrets to Jack. It's easier to talk to Spike about those sorts of things and he has more of an interest in it anyway. But he can't live feeling like he can never tell Jack anything important, either. That's the issue.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-11 08:58 pm UTC (link)

They probably should have - and would have, if talking was something they'd actually been used to doing. He's only just starting to realise what a big obstacle them not being used to talking actually is.

"It did feel real," he agrees, nodding. "And it's weird because... I've opened up to you a hell of a lot more since we got here. And I don't know how I never noticed you hadn't done the same."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-11 10:48 pm UTC (link)

"I have, to the same extent you have I think." They both know he never would have said I love you before they got here and had the chance to get this close to each other.

"I don't need to be able to share every little thought that goes through my head, Jack. It's something I do better with Spike and I think we're all fine with that dynamic of our relationship. But it scares me to think I wouldn't even feel I could talk to you about something that really is important. I want to be able to change that, but I think it's the sort of thing we both have to understand before it can really work." He never would have said all that to Jack before coming here, either. They really are changing, hopefully for the better.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-11 11:52 pm UTC (link)

"Okay," he says slowly, and yes, they have come a long way already, because they wouldn't have been sitting here talking like this even a few days ago.

He leans forward a bit, unusually earnest. "I want you to feel you can talk to me. What can I do to help with that? Should I keep checking in with you, asking if everything's okay? Should I randomly tell you stuff about myself and encourage you to do the same, in the interests of mutual sharing? Should I - I don't know - should I keep reminding you I love you and want you to share things with me? Or is it enough that I've told you now that I am willing to listen, that I do want you to tell me if things are troubling you?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-12 06:38 pm UTC (link)

He considers for a long moment, actually thinking about it because he has to. This isn't a decision they can just rush into or something they can just decide is fixed. This is a big deal, for them and for their relationship and after the past few days he wants to make sure he gets it right.

"For now knowing you'll make an effort to hear me when it's really important is a good start. I think little steps are the best way to start this. If we make some big, dramatic change we both know we won't be able to stick to it. It's something we both have to work at." But maybe having some space from those artificial memories will make it easier to try.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-12 10:04 pm UTC (link)

He watches Ianto think about it, anxious and ridiculously nervous becasue what if he's reconsidering it all, or coming up with some new demand that he'll never be able to live up to. Hell, he doesn't know if he'll even be able to live up to this one, but he's going to do his damndest to try!

"I want to try and make an effort to hear you even when it's not really important too," he says seriously, even whilst he nods to acknowledge the point about not sticking to big, dramatic changes. "I know it's not something I'm good at, but it's important and so I'm going to try. I've got so close to you here, Ianto, and I don't want to lose that."

A breath. "And in return, I want you to try to remember what I've said here, that I do want you to talk to me and tell me things, even if it seems like I don't want that at the time. Okay? If I come over all distatnt and unreachable, it might well be that it's just been so long I've forgotten how to turn that off."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-13 01:53 pm UTC (link)

"Alright." It's going to take compromise on both their parts, but Jack is right. They've gotten so close here and been through so much he can't let it all end based on fears of something that might happen. "It seems like a good place to start."

And starting is something, at least. He reaches out to take Jack's hand, threading their fingers together in the first real contact they've had in days - he can't quite count the kissing ambush just now since it wasn't their idea - and feeling a flood of emotions hit him as he does. There were moments after their fight when he genuinely thought he was going to lose all this and all at once it feels overwhelming to think about how close they actually came to doing that.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-13 03:59 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah." He tenses for a moment when Ianto's fingers brush his, because it's not something he was expecting to happen, and it makes his chest tighten as those fingers thread through his. As it hits him just how tightly Ianto has wound his way into his life and around his heart.

"I don't want to lose you," he says, low and unsteady, not looking at him because he feels way too vulnerable. "I'm scared I won't be able to change enough for you." Like in that fictional future.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-13 04:17 pm UTC (link)

"I don't want you to change, not really." He loves him, he loves the way he is, he always has. "I want the way we interact to change, that's all." They've done it before but it's always happened naturally, not because they sat down and addressed their problems. This is new for them and he's still scared it will ruin things.

He looks down at their hands and askes quietly, "Can we go home now?" It feels like years since he's been there, since they've been together and suddenly he doesn't want to spend the rest of the day dodging robotsnor kissing other people. He wants to try to make things feel normal again.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-14 11:07 am UTC (link)

"I'm not sure they're all that different, really," he mutters helplessly, because changing the way he operates certainly feels like a pretty major change, even if he's coming round to the idea that some of that change might be a good thing for him too, if he can just achieve it.

Perhaps just starting to want to change is the most important part, though.

Ianto's question makes a lump come to his throat, both the question itself with everything it's loaded with, and the almost pitiful way it's asked. He looks down at their hands too, and twists his lips wryly. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asks, because there's nothing he'd love more than taking Ianto home but he's also painfully aware how that's likely to end up. "We always seem to get distracted at home. I want to make sure we've done all the talking we need to this time before we... get distracted!"

If Ianto's still up for something more than talking. He's getting pretty strong signals that he is, but at this stage he's trying not to take anything for granted.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-14 02:21 pm UTC (link)

Jack's reluctance makes me glance up at him, worried and suddenly doubting himself. But he feels like all they've done lately is talk and even if they're going to keep it up he doesn't want to do it here. He's so tired of being hurt and unhappy and distant from Jack and even if the memories of that future feel less real each day it still seems like it's been years since they were together, since they've connected and while he wants things to work better he knows that's how they've always communicated best and he suddenly wants it desperately.

"Please." There's so much need in that one word. He needs to feel like they're making this work, like they're on the same page and together again. He needs resolution and there's one surefire way they've always managed that.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-14 10:14 pm UTC (link)

He can feel the distress and tension coming from Ianto through the hand that's still in his, and at the single-word plea he finally looks up at him, seeing the same emotions on his face, only magnified. He bites his lip, because it would be so easy, to just whisk him away home and make love to him and make everything better.

Except that that's what he always does. And he's starting to learn that it's not enough.

"Seriously, though." He keeps his voice low and gentle, control painfully tight, though his own longing is showing in his eyes, now that he's actually looking at Ianto. "I want to do this right, this time. All I've heard from everybody lately is that I think with my dick and I need to be able to connect with people in other ways. I need to be able to do this with talking. I'm scared that if I just give in and take you home and - and do all the things I want to do, it's not going to be enough and afterwards things will just be the same as they always were and we won't have actually got anywhere."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-15 02:16 pm UTC (link)

Ianto frowns thoughtfully, looking away as he processes that. It leaves him feeling conflicted because as much as he wants to be with Jack, to regain that intamacy they've always had this is also everything he's wanted to hear lately. It's conflicting and painful but it's what he asked for and he can't keep blaming Jack for everything the way he has been these last few days.

He's quiet a long moment before remarking thoughtfully, "Kirk suggested we start over entirely. Dissolve the bands and rebuild things they way we should have been from the begining. I didn't expect that suggestion to hurt as much as it did when I heard it. Maybe we have things to work on, but there are things in our relationship that have always worked because they're unusual and different and I don't want to lose that. You were right, you know; you really have changed here. You've proven that you can. And I hope I have too. And maybe we still have work to do but I've missed you so much, and it feels like it's been years since we were together and I just want you to hold me."

His voice breaks abitnwith emotion towards the end, surprising him. He wanted to be calm and rational about all this, wanted to say everything Jack just did.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-15 03:34 pm UTC (link)

He watches Ianto, his own tension easing just a little because he's done his bit and he's putting the decision in Ianto's hands here, and he trusts Ianto to do the right thing here far more than he does himself.

When Ianto comes out with Kirk's suggestion, his eyes go wide, but he manages to keep quiet until Ianto finishes speaking, which is good because that last bit is totally worth waiting for.

"I don't know that either of us would be able to stand starting over completely," he says with a short, sharp laugh. The UST is thick in the air as it is, and it's only been a few minutes! He squeezes Ianto's hand, the cold, hard lump that's been lodged in his chest seeming to melt as Ianto acknowledges the progress he's made and that they do have something special, something that seems to make all this worth it. Something that's causing that longing in Ianto's eyes and that catch in his voice - something he responds to with pure instinct, sliding along the bench towards Ianto and gathering him into his arms. "Me too," he says, choking on the words, holding him tightly as tears of want and relief run down his face.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-15 05:52 pm UTC (link)

It feels like it's been years since they've held each other like this and even though he knows that isn't true he can't quite choke back a quiet sound of relief as Jack wraps him up in his arms. For now even the suggestion of going home fades, as long as he can stay like this, with him.

"Can't we both just agree we've made a good start and that we'll work on it as things come?" Because he doesn't want to have to face waking away from him today. Not in any way.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-15 08:37 pm UTC (link)

It doesn't really matter that those twenty years were loaded overnight into their heads, they still feel like they happened. It really does feel like years, and he's not about to make them wait any longer, not when they both want this so much.

He lets out a choked sound that's half sob, half laugh. "Yes," he says, nodding against Ianto's hair. "Yes, we can."

He pulls back enough to reach Ianto's mouth with his, in their first proper, non-mistletoe-bot-inspired, kiss in years.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-16 03:03 pm UTC (link)

They've shared some intense kisses in their time but this one is certainly a contender for the top. It just feels so good to truely, genuinely kiss him with no resentment or hidden motives or anger beneath it all. They've always connected physically and he's always liked that. For all his talk of wanting to be able to communicate better he's always loved how much they understand each other without ever having to say a single word and he's absolutely taking advantage of that skill right now, pouring all the feelings of how much he's missed him and how much he loves him into one kiss.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-16 09:37 pm UTC (link)

Along with the pure physical enjoyment of connecting, intimately, after so long, comes a long wave of relief. Because with all that talking about - well - talking, he'd started to lose his confidence that they'd ever really managed to communicate at all! But through this kiss he's reading Ianto loud and clear, and at last his worries are being washed away. As long as he can still have this, he'll believe they can work things out.

It's a long minute or two before he finally has to draw back for air, sliding his cheek against Ianto's instead to maintain as much contact as he possibly can. "Let's go home," he says, his voice rough with need as he tries to summon up the willpower to let Ianto go enough to stand up.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-20 02:59 pm UTC (link)

Ianto nods, but if Jack thinks he's letting go of him at all today he is very much mistaken. Usually this is the sort of thing he does more with Spike but right now he has no intention of moving away and keeps his arm draped around Jack as they walk. Oddly enough he isn't even thinking about sex as a reason to get home, not really. He just wants to be there, with him. To feel like they really have put this behind them, like going home again means something. It feels like it's been taken from them and he wants to prove they have it back.

The walk is mostly in silence, perhaps because it feels like they've said so much lately. Or maybe it's just amazement that they can have a more or less comfortable silence after all the painful ones they've had recently. Either way it feels good to step through that front door again, and he does his best not to remember slamming it shut last time. "I know I was just here, but it feels like I've been gone a very long time."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-20 04:50 pm UTC (link)

He makes a soft, startled sound when he realises Ianto fully intends them to walk home with their arms around each other, but he goes with it. It's not something they've ever really done before, but right now he's very grateful for it and certainly not about to try and pull away. He has to keep blinking back tears of relief, though, as they walk, feeling the way Ianto's holding him, feeling his love and need with far more certainty than he'd ever get from words. He's tried so hard to do the talking thing, but this is still what he really needs.

It actually feels really strange to have Ianto walk into the apartment with him, after all that remembered time alone, not to mention the last two days. Not that he's spent much time here either, since they got back from the future. Ianto's only been gone two days in real time but the living room already has an unlived-in feel about it, and the bed is a mess from sleepless nights spent tossing and turning. Empty coffee cups and pizza boxes line the counter.

"It does," he agrees tightly, guiltily trying to extract himself from Ianto's arm so he can go and tidy up the kitchen to something a little more like Ianto would be expecting.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-20 05:16 pm UTC (link)

He's actually a bit surprised by the mess, although maybe he shouldn't be. He remembers the state Torchwood was in when he started there. He snags an arm around Jack to keep him from sneaking off to the kitchen, pulling him in for another kiss. Tidying up can wait. They can do it later and let him tease Jack over it in the process. But not right now. Right now he doesn't want to let go of him.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-20 06:45 pm UTC (link)

Yeah, Jack's never been much of one for tidying up, and even less so when he's deep in depression. It's another mark of how much he has actually been trying in recent months that since they moved in together he has mostly tried to remember to pick up after himself, even if he hasn't always been successful. It's only since he thought he'd lost Ianto that he's gone back to his old habits.

He makes another startled sound when Ianto pulls him back and into a kiss, but he succumbs to the kiss with even more than his normal enthusiasm, the surprised sound turning into a moan of want. He's not particularly bothered about having sex right now either, but he is very bothered about wanting Ianto as close as he can possibly be, for as long as he can.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-20 11:59 pm UTC (link)

Ianto doesn't know what he wants either. It's all too overwhelming, too much and he feels like they should take things slow when all he wants to do is get close to him, communicate as physically as possible. It makes him feel guilty all over again and leaves feeling confused and conflicted and a mess of emotions he doesn't know how to address.

And then abruptly he thinks of what they did in the library, of the intensity and sense of trust that left him feeling high on endorphins and love. He wants that right now, wants it so badly it shakes through him and leaves him clinging to Jack, terrified it's too much to ask for just now and worried if he says what he wants Jack really will decide they need to take it slow. He can't find the words to ask for it but Jack knows him well enough to see there's something he wants even if he's trying to hide his face against his chest.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-21 08:19 am UTC (link)

He can feel the indecision radiating off Ianto along with the need, and it makes him feel simultaneously relieved, because obviously they do actually communicate even if it's not always with words, and stressed because he doesn't know what he wants either and he really, really wants things to be simple right now.

He feels the change, too, as it goes through Ianto, feels him shake and cling, and suddenly he feels hopeless again because he has no idea what's going through Ianto's mind now. He cradles Ianto's head against his chest and draws in a shaky breath, stroking his hair and trying to soothe him without understanding what precisely has rattled him. "What's up?" Apart from everything else, of course.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2017-02-21 01:10 pm UTC (link)

They said they were going to talk more. Might as well put that to the test now. Otherwise what's the point of all this? What's more is he does want things to be simple and normal right now as well and with them that's always meant sex. Right now he's not sure that's a bad thing. They've made progress and they've talked but they've also been badly shaken up the last few days and he needs something to make him feel steady, stabilized,

So as unsure as he feels his voice is surprisingly steady as he answers. "What we did at the library. I want something like that just now." A pause, then he corrects himself because it's more than just wanting it. "I need it."