InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Won't you be my Baby Bird?"

Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) (kitty_has_claws) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-01-23 17:54:00

Entry tags:

ianto jones, jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), pavel chekov (au), peter parker (stnas)

Day 412 The rewind
[Video/Action | OPEN]
So that...happened.

I've been here for awhile and for those of you who are on the newer side of things, I wish I had some keen insight for you, but that's just one of the games they play. It was kind of a remix of some of their old ones. [She's seen people remember more future before and seen people think they were connected to others in new ways. She had a husband for a day once before.] I think it's just important to remember who you are without their toying and lean on people when you need to. We're in this together.

I don't think what we saw was a real future even if parts of it seemed like they were. There were some conflicting outlooks. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from trying to remember exactly how we overthrew them in mine. [It hasn't stopped her from thinking about a lot of things it brought up.]

Anyway... [She hopes you're all okay. She would have been better at saying that yesterday when it was still twenty years from now. So, she just ends the feed there and you might find her out and about looking particularly thoughtful. Maybe absently walking through solid objects including you! As one does.]

[Action | Closed to Chekov]
[Before her broadcast or any other calls there is just a girl waking up next to a boy. Everything feels right at first. She snuggles closer and the details don't feel important. Are they still in the future? Was yesterday a dream or an experiment? It doesn't matter yet. She's only half awake and warm and comfortable.]

[Video | Closed to Jack]
Hey, so, how are things? [Concerned but also unsure how to ask if yesterday ruined his relationships for real.]

[Video | Closed to Ianto]
Need a coffee? [Code for "let's talk."]

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 12:16 am UTC (link)
	I was... I used the agreement we had yesterday. [And her heart will just wait to beat until after his reaction whatever it is.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2017-01-26 12:31 am UTC (link)

[He gives her one of those long looks that means he's thinking too hard about some new piece of information.]

Ah. After we... [Um. Intellectually, he's fine with this. The part of his mind that doesn't listen to reason is not so fine, however, because this is clear evidence that he isn't enough.] That was the purpose of the agreement, yes. It only makes sense that you would... er, take advantage of it.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-26 12:39 am UTC (link)

[Do you know how much she wants to tell him she loves him right now? So much. But she believes in her reasons for not from before. Besides, it might feel manipulative to do it now and that's not what she wants. She wants to reassure him for that "After we..." She thinks she knows what that means.]

I really wish I hadn't. [Threading her fingers with his.] These things are going to happen here sometimes. The mistletoe bots, the shared dreams, waking up with new memories... Maybe we should talk about how we want to handle it as a couple?

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candothat
2017-01-26 12:56 am UTC (link)

[It's best that she doesn't. Not now that he has accepted that that will need to wait.]

I understand. [He looks down at their interlaced hands and gives hers a squeeze.] None of these things can be controlled and neither of us should feel responsible for them when they happen. [Not that emotions work that way.] What makes sense to you? You have had to navigate a relationship with these obstacles before.

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 01:01 am UTC (link)
	You mean the relationship that self destructed? I could say the opposite of whatever we did, but you're not Reid. So we should probably figure out what works for us. I guess for me I'd want honest and clear, but not detailed. And reassurance. I just always want to be able to talk about things. What about you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 01:13 am UTC (link)
	[A wince.] Yes, that one. I can do that, and I would want the same--honesty and discussion, and to know that you still [not love, what was it she said] find me important. And if you have doubts or if I upset you, I would want to know that also. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 08:16 am UTC (link)
	[She hugs him.] You are very important to me. I want to be with you. [It's hard to imagine anything else after yesterday.] Do you want to know who it was? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 10:38 pm UTC (link)
	[He hugs her back.] You are with me, right now. [Right? And it doesn't seem right to hug her while asking who she slept with in that odd future place, so he pulls back.] Please, yes. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 10:54 pm UTC (link)
	I am. [Almost as if reading the brackets! She just really wants to reassure him any way she can. She hates putting him through this. Not that she planned a 1-day resort in weird future land where hopefully none of that is happening.] It was Jack. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 11:21 pm UTC (link)
	[It was almost a question! As much as he would like to deny needing reassurance (because he does understand that these things are inevitable here, truly), his emotions and his brain are not operating in tandem.] Aha. [A nod. Of course it was Jack, he should have guessed that.] You're close to him. I know that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-01-26 11:33 pm UTC (link)

[She understands that. She'd want reassurance too. They agreed on reassurance! It's the plan. She threads her fingers into his.] Yeah...

[Is she going to do this? She probably shouldn't do this. They said no details, but the thing is Jack goes beyond one glitch. Experiment. Experiglitch.]

He's a close friend and there has been an attraction for awhile. Part of that is that everyone kind of does because of the future pheromones? Maybe you've noticed it? [Is that strange to ask? Does it make it better if he has?] And one time we spent a day convinced we were married. [So not actually their first time having sex. Also the shared dreams. It's kind of been a lot.] After that things were a little more confusing, but he wants to be with Ianto and I want to be with you.

[That was so much to drop on him. She fights the impulse to squeeze his hand too hard. She's nervous.]

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candothat
2017-01-26 11:54 pm UTC (link)

[That... was unexpected, but he has made it clear that honesty is important to him. He frowns in a thinking-hard-and-uncertain-how-to-feel way and looks back down at their hands. What is she telling him, exactly?]

I haven't noticed, no. [Whether that can be attributed to how he's wired or to general obliviousness is anyone's guess. Some pieces are starting to fall into place, though.] This... eh, this was ongoing when you were with Reid? And he knew?

[He gives her hand a quick squeeze. He's not running, see?]

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-27 12:02 am UTC (link)

[She squeezes back.] Reid and I were broken up when the marriage thing happened. [She ducks her head.] My first thought the next morning was just feeling miserable that I'd cheated on him and afraid he'd be upset. Even though I couldn't cheat on him then. And then the whole thing just reminded me of how alone and unloved I felt. [She swallows and charges forward because he should answer his question better.]

Before that when we were together there was some attraction, but outside of mistletoe kisses nothing ever happened. [Maybe a shared dream? She can't remember. The order of events blur with time and how many happen. It's every few days. Hard to keep it straight in your head. She doesn't remember it ever being a problem so nothing comes to mind.] We'd dance together and sometimes he'd get a little jealous, but I always went home with him. [She'll skip the part about how they always had the best sex after he was a little jealous.]

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candothat
2017-01-27 12:44 am UTC (link)

[There's a lot--a lot to process, a lot of layers to her relationships, a lot of history to think about. But Kitty and Reid had been a volatile mess when Chekov showed up and she has always been honest about how messy her love life has been, so none of this is shocking. It's not going to scare him away. He did, after all, discover that he felt something for Kitty that wasn't strictly platonic when she was still trying to salvage things with Reid. She wasn't at all available then and he was fine with that. He can be fine with this, too. As long as she isn't shutting him out.

(There are similarities between Kitty and Lucy that make Chekov wonder if he has a very specific type: messy past, recovering from a particularly bad break up, afraid of words like I love you. Lucy had been an incorrigible flirt even after they were together and he was fine then, so this should be easy.)]

I won't be jealous if you dance. [There's a lot more that he should reply to, but he needs to think. He hadn't even finished digesting his three years at home and now there's the ghost of a possible future to contend with.] As long as you always remember to dance with me, too.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-27 09:55 am UTC (link)

[She's intellectually aware it's a lot, but it blends into the tapestry of her life too. At any given moment she's usually only focusing on one person. So it isn't until she's explaining it to him like this that she realize how it sounds. How it must look. How it might feel. She doesn't like leaving this burden with Chekov and if she's honest there's a moment of regret for Reid's sake too. Of course she never meant for any of it to be like this. Choices were made in the moments when it felt right to make them. She owns her choice to be with Tyki. Her experiences with Jack are murkier because boundaries were crossed when the wardens manipulated them. Her feelings are her own now though.

Maybe that future wasn't as unrealistic as she wanted to think it was. Maybe she would be or already is someone who wants to be open to other experiences. She never thought of herself that way. She couldn't even conceive of doing that while she was with Piotr. She could say it had to do with limited choices but what's more limited than this dome? She never wanted to be with anyone else while she was with Tyki but she started falling for Reid during that time. She just wasn't aware of it until after things were over.

And Reid... She put him through Tyki and Jack and maybe it was too much. So much of her is too much. She's full of unresolved PTSD and culture shock and issues. She loved him. She still loves him and part of her is still in love with him. The part that can't tell Chekov she loves him. She really believed it work. She never thought it would be easy. What is? But she always saw them as her future until that day on the rooftop when she was breaking up with him just to keep him from breaking up with her one more time. She hasn't let herself think about that moment too much or regret it. She doesn't want to think a functioning relationship was right around the corner. It didn't feel like it anymore. She wasn't trusting him with her heart and she wasn't sure she ever would again as much as she wanted to.

Yesterday, was like a balm in a way. It made Chekov look very much like the right choice. Things weren't perfect with the dome or with all her friends, and she was moved by those things, but she was still happy with her life. She had hope and love and there was just an ease to it where it didn't feel like she had to fight for everything all the time and she knew what to do with herself when she wasn't fighting.

Chekov is like a glimpse into that every time she's with him. Even in this moment as hard as it is she doesn't feel like she is in a struggle with him or against him.]

Always. [She leans in to kiss him, grateful for the words.]

Thank you for being in my life. I know that wasn't entirely us yesterday, but you made that Kitty feel so happy and loved and free and confident and... [Nope, out of words. Needs more hugs.]

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candothat
2017-01-27 10:55 pm UTC (link)

[All of this is beyond Chekov. He has only had a handful of prior relationships and, of those, only one has had a sexual element. It has been so different for him than for Kitty. Each relationship had ended amicably and without drama when either he or she needed to leave; there was no overlap, no break up, no hard feelings, no broken hearts, and no mess. Sadness, yes, and he still misses Salla zh'Tran, Tess, and Lucy--of course he does, he did love them--but there's no heartache. He had never been naive enough to think that any of those loves were forever and he knew that he would always return to space and his work, alone.

His relationships have been orderly where Kitty's have been messy, clean in a way that sounds decidedly unromantic because everyone involved knew that it was, by necessity, temporary. Chekov still loved them wholeheartedly and without reservation (he doesn't know how to love any other way), but his hopes and future and happiness were never tied to another person. They can't be. He moves too quickly and too often (and is too aware of that fact) to grow the kind of roots that, once severed, never stop hurting.

And Kitty's experiences have been incredibly dissimilar. He can't imagine being in a position where a number of people are involved and feelings are getting hurt and there's jealousy and multiple love stories being told at once, with each at a different point in the narrative. Before yesterday, he hadn't even thought about being involved in a relationship that had no set end date. He doesn't really understand her experience of love.

Again, it's a lot. Not just what Kitty's telling him now, but also what happened yesterday. He's beginning to understand that he could be getting into something far larger and scarier than he had thought.

He's here now, though. Kitty has his heart and it's too late to ask for it back.]

Thank you. [It's a brief kiss, but he's here for it.]

I would like to make this Kitty feel the same way someday. [He hugs her back tightly. Someday, which implies them being together for an indefinite amount of time, which is terrifying now that he's thinking about it. This is different and new and it's not going to be as clean as the other times he has been in love, but he means it.]

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-27 11:12 pm UTC (link)

[She never meant for things to be so messy. She fell in love with Piotr at first sight and had every intention to spend the rest of her life with him. And in one version of her story she did, but only in the most tragic way possible.

Fighting a deadly rebellion as outcasts wasn't as neat or orderly as Star Fleet either. Everything was fast and hard and life or death. It wasn't just both ends of a candle burning it was every point in between. Getting breakfast could be an intense situation. Reid criticized her once for everything being so dramatic with her and he wasn't wrong. It was the very fabric of the world she was from and she's changed and calmed so much, but that passion and intensity is still very much a part of her. She fights and loves and mourns powerfully.

In twenty years some of those rougher edges may smooth over like they did in that glimpse. She may burn more steadily. It gets a little better every day but it's no easy road.

She clings to him, content to let this hug last a good, long time. So much of her wants to tell him he already does, but it implies too much. They've been over that. It would make it mean less if she said it now. She can't do that to him either.]

Are you sure? I wouldn't blame you if you wanted out. [It hurts to even ask or suggest. She doesn't want him to be out. But she doesn't want to be the one who gives him his first messy heartbreak someday. That wasn't in the vision, but it could be in the cards.]

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candothat
2017-01-27 11:47 pm UTC (link)

[Oddly enough, Starfleet hasn't been nearly as orderly as the first seventeen years of Chekov's life (or, for that matter, as orderly as Chekov has kept his life since through sheer force of will--he keeps the chaos isolated to work hours, thank you). There's relationship drama on the Enterprise, subterfuge in the Fleet's upper echelons, and daily surprises that range from relatively harmless brushes with alternate universes to vicious attacks from unknown lifeforms. He has lost count of the times he only stayed alive though dumb luck.

It's not at all the same as Kitty's world since the dangers aren't a fundamental part of existence in his universe. Chekov always has the option to leave. He doesn't, but there's a massive difference between being a career danger-seeker and being born into a world where danger is unavoidable and everyone has to fight to stay alive.

Maybe he can be good for Kitty. Chekov's steadiness has benefited his crew and his sanity; maybe it can be helpful to her, too.

He smiles at the idea that he would want to run as he traces circles on her back.]

I am. How could I want out now? [Especially now. Kitty threw her secrets at his feet. He can't betray that trust by leaving just because some of those secrets are uncomfortable and he underestimated the depth of this pool that he's wading into.] I should offer you the same chance to get out.

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-28 12:14 am UTC (link)
	Maybe because you were paying attention? [She strokes his hair affectionately as she remains securely in his arms.] Pavel, I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want out either so I'm going to have to work on being a good girlfriend. But... I am keeping Jack and Reid, if he'll have me, in my life. Not like yesterday. But I can't cut either of them out. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2017-01-28 12:41 am UTC (link)

You're being one now. You're telling me the truth. [More truth than he wants to hear all at once, even!

The but makes him tense and prepare for something bad. When something bad doesn't come, he waits for her to continue for a moment before concluding that that's it, that was the bad thing.]

Kitty, Jack is your friend and Reid is... [uh?] Reid. Yes, keep them, of course. [A little insecurity does creep into his voice in spite of the lack of badness. She's extremely attracted to Jack, some part of her is still in love with Reid, and she has known both of them longer than she's known him.] But try to always come back to me.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-28 10:56 am UTC (link)

[The badness is in the places where it can cause jealousy and insecurity. It's going to be in knowing they're working together or hanging out or seeing them dance. It's a lot too, but it's a very small world inside this dome and there are fewer and fewer people here. She knows. She once had a team for every sector and now that's been collapsing in on itself because they can't sustain it. She can't promise to stay away from anyone and it's not like Tyki where she should have tried harder. She just hopes telling him up front helps in some way. He responds so easily and she knows it won't always be easy, but she'll take it gratefully for now.]

I'm your boomerang. [Hugging him tighter and then after a moment...] That was kind of a ridiculous line, wasn't it?

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candothat
2017-02-05 02:01 am UTC (link)

[It doesn't sound that bad to Chekov, but he is considerably more naive than he imagines about some things. The insecurity seems like something that he'll be able to overcome, and since when is he ever jealous? It would be irrational for him to be upset about Kitty spending time with Reid and Jack and anyone else. Relationships can be so simple if you just approach them rationally!]

No. ...Yes, a little, but the thought behind it was good.

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-05 02:09 am UTC (link)
	I try for at least that. [She leans her head against his.] Let's just be honest with each other and tell each other what we need and find ways to work it out if something isn't working itself out? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-02-05 02:23 am UTC (link)
	Okay. I can do that. I-- [An uncertain pause.] Ah... maybe this doesn't matter, but you should know that I have never been with anyone for very long. Never longer than a year, and never with the thought that anything would last. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-02-05 02:31 am UTC (link)

Feels strange to hear you say that when part of me still feels like we were together for twenty years or at least a long time. [Nothing is as sharp and clear and secure as it felt yesterday. Memories are still there but when she tries to think back about people she didn't talk to or about she doesn't remember anything. But that day it seemed like her mind filled in any pieces whenever she needed it and those pieces are still there but ONLY those pieces. It doesn't really feel like twenty years no so much as something long and significant.]

Did you want anything to last before?