InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "And I'm good at it too. "

Pavel Chekov (candothat) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-12-05 21:11:00

Entry tags:

aidan reilly, jack harkness, jim kirk, john constatine, kitty pryde (aoa), pavel chekov (au)

Day 405 [closed action | open action]
[action | closed to Kitty]

[As it happens, waking up three years older than you were when you went to sleep is mildly disorienting. Waking up in bed next to someone who wasn't present in any of those three years compounds the effect. Chekov--newly twenty-four and, as far as he can remember, fresh from yet another near-death experience--sits up with a start. This is definitely not his room at Yorktown Starbase. This is...

MarinaNova. He's in bed with Kitty. He has been here for one-hundred twelve days.

Chekov lowers his head to his hands and groans. There are two different yesterdays in his mind, both equally vivid and real, and it's way too early to deal with that.]

[action | open]

[Chekov, three years older than he was yesterday and considerably more dazed than usual, does a circuit of the dome. Everything has a not-quite-rightness to it that he can't put his finger on and he feels oddly out of place. He isn't, of course. He was here yesterday, and he remembers that yesterday like it was... yesterday, which it was. But he also remembers a yesterday where he was a universe away and waiting for the Enterprise to be rebuilt. In that universe, he was on year three of a five-year mission.

He's looking for Kirk, specifically. It would be easiest to call him up, but Chekov would much rather talk in person.]

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

	candothat 2016-12-07 09:31 pm UTC (link)
	[That didn't sound at all kinky! Or maybe it did, but it's such a not-kinky context.] Thank you. [He starts stroking her hair. Maybe this is a good time to go for broke.] I love you, Kitty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-07 09:52 pm UTC (link)

[At once it is both extremely reassuring and a little terrifying to hear those words.

Reassuring because they woke up to so much change this morning. Three additional years of Pavel's life dumped on him. It's a lot for him to process and for her too and not just because it echos the downfall of her last relationship. But here he is telling her he loves her—something he's never said before. Not only is he not pulling away he's showing that he wants to be closer.

And being loved? It's something everyone needs. She lost the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally when she was still so young and she came to adulthood in a world that actively hated her. It's probably no wonder she keeps seeking out replacement families and love.

But she's still scared because here is this beautiful person with his open heart and unfailing kindness and generosity and patience telling her the best thing a person can say to another person and she's not ready to say it back.

She holds him tighter.] Pavel...

[She should say more. She doesn't know what to say.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-07 10:29 pm UTC (link)

[Or maybe this was a bad time. He'd hoped that would be reassuring, not... whatever it apparently was. He should have waited until he's had an opportunity to sort himself out or for a less confusing moment or until Kitty said it first. He's been waiting for what seems like forever, thinking the words but always too uncertain of Kitty's potential reaction to say them. Waiting a little longer wouldn't have hurt him.

Chekov cares so much and so quickly and doesn't try hard enough to reign that in. It's worked out for him for the most part. His family loved fiercely and without hesitation, and his found family--the crew of the Enterprise--were immediately close thanks to the dangers they've been facing together since before most of them were technically officers. Lucy was fast to love, too. The same can't be said of the various not-quite-girlfriends that he's had at home, but...

This is different. This really matters.

Chekov isn't hurt. Disappointed in his timing and in the outcome, yes, but not hurt. He would have said it much sooner if he'd thought that she would reciprocate.]

You don't need to feel the same. [Just don't tell him to go. He only got back this morning.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-07 10:39 pm UTC (link)

You are so important to me.

[It feels like an insult after "I love you" and she hates that because she feels closer and more intensely about him right now than she realized she felt. Almost losing him or the fear of almost losing him made her realize how much he means to her but she was telling Reid those same words not so long ago. She was still easing into things. She's not sure how she feels right now. It hasn't had time to sort itself out and be clear to her and doesn't want to say something like that unless she feels it with absolute certainty. He means too much to her for that.

She bites back the urge to say he's been through a lot and he needs time to sort it out too. She doesn't want to doubt his sincerity. She doesn't want to reject in any way even if she can't fully reciprocate.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-07 11:31 pm UTC (link)

I know that. [It falls short of the levity he was aiming for. He'd hoped for more even if he hadn't expected it, but that's... not running away.

At least he's important?

He lets go of her so he can kiss her, just once, very softly. Tiredly. Now that he's not afraid of having Kitty leave him in the immediate future and now that he's finally said the words that he hasn't said so many times, he's drained.

Chekov regrets his decision to tell Kitty he loves her. It was profoundly stupid of him to add these emotions to the pile of Things to Deal With Today. That regret has nothing to do with any doubts on his end, though, because he knows that he loved her before and that he loves her still. There are a lot of things that he isn't sure of right now; the current status of his heart is not one of them.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-07 11:51 pm UTC (link)
	[It's too soft. Which is not to say it isn't nice and gentle but it feels too much like goodbye even if he doesn't mean it that way so she pushes in to reestablish the kiss with more determination. Her emotions are a mess right now and maybe her mind can't sort them out so she speaks through physical expression.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-08 12:01 am UTC (link)
	[He doesn't pull away because he knows how she would interpret that, but he's too tired and distracted by what's going on in his head to participate with any kind of passion or presence. He kisses back, though. She needs to know that she's wanted and words alone aren't going to convey that.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-08 12:34 am UTC (link)
	[She wasn't expecting it to be something where they use the blue bands to the best of their ability. And while he's in it she can tell he's also not. She doesn't want to push him where he's not ready to go either. She rests her head against his after breaking the kiss.] You're amazing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 07:00 pm UTC (link)
	So are you. [He doesn't move from where they are. Closeness is nice. Grounding.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-09 09:01 pm UTC (link)
	[Her fingers gently run through his hair. She doesn't feel so amazing right now, but she doesn't want to make that his problem. She's quiet for a long time just holding and being held before she speaks again.] Does your head hurt? I know sometimes these things hurt. [Not that she's experienced it personally.] Do you need anything? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 10:27 pm UTC (link)
	[He closes his eyes for a moment and enjoys that. He doesn't feel too amazing (emotionally, intellectually, as a person) either, but he won't discourage her from thinking that he is.] It's cotton-y, nothing bad. [That's a word. He shifts closer so he can put his head on her shoulder.] Not really, no. Is there anywhere that you need to be? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-09 10:32 pm UTC (link)
	With you for as long as you want me to be. [Just stroking his hair affectionately.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 10:39 pm UTC (link)
	That could be a very long time. [Even if being alone might be more conducive to thinking things through, he doesn't actually want her to leave him alone. Not right now, anyway.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-09 10:46 pm UTC (link)
	If we can figure out the bathroom situation then I'm good with that. [A little lightness? She kisses his temple.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 10:52 pm UTC (link)
	I would let you go for that if you promised that you would come back. [If this is what not-quite-being-loved by Kitty is like, then he isn't about to complain.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-09 11:25 pm UTC (link)
	We'll cross that bridge when we get there. [She kisses him again on the lips softly.] Lay back down with me? Tell me about what I missed the last three years? Or we can just be quiet. Whatever feels right. [She'd like to hear but it doesn't have to be right now.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 11:43 pm UTC (link)
	[He's momentarily torn between trying to encourage more kissing and cuddling back up, but cuddling wins. He gets resituated and snuggles in close.] I would like to be quiet now. [Not in an attempt to shut her out, just to reorganize and regroup.] Later I can tell you more about the last three years than you want to hear. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-09 11:49 pm UTC (link)

[She is so good with that plan. Him having to be alone to sort things out or maybe never talk to her would have been hard. But plans to do it later and to be physically close now? That's perfect. Better than talking now maybe. She needs to process what she already knows too.]

Deal. [Did you know that cuddling doesn't actually preclude kissing? She will demonstrate by kissing him again once they are snuggling.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-11 12:14 am UTC (link)

[What, they can do both at the same time? This knowledge is going to change Chekov's life!

Since neither of them have immediate plans that involve leaving, he kisses back softly and lingeringly, fingerings coming up to trace her cheek. He'll tell her everything eventually. There aren't any great secrets (he hopes that she knows that and won't think that he's trying to hide something), it's just a lot to talk about right now. Everything is a lot. He should have put the love thing off until later, but.

But there's nothing he can do to take that back, it's not regrettable, and maybe it wasn't exactly the wrong time to say it.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-11 01:13 am UTC (link)

[She isn't an overly suspicious person. She has self doubt and insecurity. She has a history of betrayal. And yet in the moment she will accept a person at their word unless they are being clearly shady which Pavel never is.

She kisses him back, enjoying the tenderness of this exchange. The intimacy shared without words which are difficult to choose. And, you know, the kissing. It feels good.

She isn't running so it can't be all bad! Maybe it will spur her on to identifying her feelings sooner than it might have or maybe it will lead to complications. Hard to know yet. Magic 8 ball says, "ask again later."]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-14 01:00 am UTC (link)

[He is about as shady as a tree with no leaves. Or branches. Or a trunk.

The kiss ends and he curls up as small as possible (which is not actually that small now that he's gained some muscle) and tucks his head under her chin. It's a slightly awkward position, but there's something soothing and secure about it.

He doesn't plan on telling her that he loves her again in the near future. He doesn't want to make her feel like she's obligated to return it when she's not ready to.

Anyway, she knows now.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-14 10:15 am UTC (link)

[The way he shifts after the kiss reminds her this is not a time for getting carried away. They are barely awake and already so much has happened with added years and feeling the scare of things repeating themselves and being told he loves her and not being ready to return those words. She wraps her arms around him as best she can and holds him securely.

She starts humming and once she hears herself doing it, she almost stops. It feels strangely natural in the moment, but he might think it's silly or that she's treating him like a child, but softly the song goes on in hummed sounds only. It's a half remembered lullaby. A couple really, smashed together when she didn't remember how it was supposed to go.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-14 03:52 pm UTC (link)

[There was a point in his life where he would have been annoyed by anything that could be interpreted as him being treated like a child. It seems like a far-distant point now and this kind of affection is everything that he wants. Even the humming is nice. It's just enough to keep his mind from running off in a dozen different directions and, although he doesn't know the tune, it has a familiar feel to it.

He isn't very good at asking for things because he's rarely aware of what he needs, but right now he's asking her to show him that she cares about him and wants him in spite of the changes and the confession that should have waited.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-14 10:33 pm UTC (link)
	[She gently runs her fingers over his arm long after the humming dies out. She wants to talk but he already said he needs time on all the new things and she wants to respect that. How do you just talk about whatever it is they normally talk about now after all this?] Are you hungry? [The words seem a little too loud after all the quiet.] I could make breakfast. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-14 11:19 pm UTC (link)

[Her voice startles him from his thoughts and reminds him that there is still a life that needs to be lived here in MarinaNova--a life that, unfortunately, involves getting out of bed and eating and doing all of the normal being-alive things. You'd think that living in a virtual reality would make all of those silly mundane things unnecessary.]

I'm always hungry. [Not so much right now, but he thinks he should be hungry and that's kind of the same.] I need to let you get up. [He nuzzles her neck, which is not at all the same as letting her up.]