InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Glaring is a powerful skill"

jessica drew (surlyspider) wrote in jurassiccitynet,
@ 2015-10-23 17:40:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes / winter soldier (mcu), grant ward (mcu), jessica drew / spider-woman, kara palamas, natasha romanova / black widow (616), phryne fisher, teddy altman / hulkling

Of all the jobs I've had, border patrol is easily the second most entertaining. Second only because I liked being the boss and having an office.

Shield and being an Avenger weren't bad but dinosaur wrangling is kinda fun. It goes without saying that they all beat hydra.

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	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:23 am UTC (link)
	Good luck with that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:27 am UTC (link)
	And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I've nothing to live for anyway. SHIELD destroyed it all. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:30 am UTC (link)
	And I'm sure you had no hand in it whatsoever. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:39 am UTC (link)
	I played my part in setting things rolling, but I also spent a year trying to be better only to get kicked in the face for my every attempt, sold out to someone who had every intention of murdering me, and capped it off by having to watch the woman I love die in my arms. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:42 am UTC (link)
	I'm sure that there is more to this story. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:47 am UTC (link)
	I'd be happy to roll out the long version, but I doubt it would make a difference. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:49 am UTC (link)
	I was raised in a Hydra training camp. I might be a better sounding board than most. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

survives
2015-10-24 05:43 am UTC (link)

I was fifteen. I'd gotten shipped off to a military academy because my parents thought I was a problem child. Without me there to act as a buffer, my older brother had basically tried to murder my younger one. So I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Garrett found me in a juvenile facility waiting for my arraignment. He gave me the option. Either I could stay there and wait for my brother and parents to petition the courts to try me as an adult, or I could go with him and train to join SHIELD. So I went. I spent five years in the middle of nowhere, by myself with nothing other than a hunting dog, as a matter of 'survival' training. For SHIELD. It was always for SHIELD right up until those last few months.

And by then, I didn't know what the difference would even be. SHIELD, HYDRA. It was all the same to me.

I didn't realize how much damage I had done over the years until after it was all over. Until HYDRA was out in the open, Garrett was dead, and I was in captivity with nothing to do but think.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

surlyspider
2015-10-25 03:40 am UTC (link)

My dad was a Hydra scientist. He manipulated my genetics and let them turn me into a monster. It was all I knew until they started asking me to do things I couldn't do.

It's hard to disconnect yourself from things that run so deeply in your veins. The trick is to not let it burrow deeper inside but to cut it out.

So what happened after you had nothing to do but think?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

survives
2015-10-25 02:25 pm UTC (link)

No parent should treat their child like that, like they're more important as a object than a person. But if you still had limits, you weren't a monster. Not that I imagine I have to tell you that. If you were with SHIELD and the Avengers, you figured it out on your own. Or had help...

I tried to cut it out.

I didn't see any way I could fix things. There was too much. Ten years, the ripple effect from even the smallest things. That combined with not feeling like I had any identity with Garrett dead, I wanted to die. So I tried to kill myself. Three times over a four month period. Being constantly monitored, though, they wouldn't let me. I was too valuable as a potential source of information. Not that I had told them anything. Guilt, residual loyalty... It wasn't until it finally dawned on me what Garrett had truly done to me that I felt like I might be able to turn things around, fix what I had done, even if I had to spend the rest of my life making up for it.

So I agreed to talk, to help them however I could.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

surlyspider
2015-10-25 04:39 pm UTC (link)

I didn't think I had a limit. Until it was presented to me. When I was asked to kill someone I couldn't justify killing. Even after I left HYDRA, it took a long time to for them to consider me a trustworthy person. Then I was kidnapped and imprisoned by an alien race. Had to start again with some people when I got back.

So, what went wrong? I mean, the road to redemption is never easy. It's always going to have starts and stops.

If you're not letting HYDRA die, sounds like it didn't go well.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

survives
2015-10-25 05:08 pm UTC (link)

Untrustworthy would have been a step up from where I ended up in everyone's estimation. But it sounds like your reality has far more to deal with than ours yet. Aliens haven't factored in that much.

And we were holding back. Both of us. Them because they didn't trust me with their information. Me because I was scared of what they would do if I told it all to them at once, and they decided I had nothing left of value. It rendered out badly because they went into situations blind because I didn't know enough to tell them what they needed to be prepared for. And they thought, I imagine, that I didn't really want to help.

And then my brother got involved. SHIELD was already on shaky ground politically, having been disavowed by the government. And Christian was always looking for some way to bolster his public profile. What better way than reining in the remains of SHIELD? Politicians are always looking out for number one, though, and SHIELD wouldn't have gotten him nearly as much as HYDRA. Even if it would just be a show trial.

Coulson made a bargain to hand me over to my brother. Said that I was delusional if I ever thought that he was going to let me be par of the team again, if I thought I could do anything to make up for what I had done. I was only still alive because I was useful, but now, my brother was more useful.

Nevermind that my brother's a sociopath. The second he was done with me, he would have turned his attention right back to SHIELD and run them right into the ground.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Ward | Jessica.

surlyspider
2015-10-25 05:31 pm UTC (link)

Well, that's a gentle way of phrasing it. I'm a super powered former assassin. I also would have been the one to kill Fury if I had gone through with it. It's a little hard to see the forest through those trees. I think we're a little ahead of you guys. You haven't even had the registration act debacle yet. That's going to be horrible.

Oh. I see. SHIELD traded you in for their safety. Strategically that makes sense. Sometimes you have to choose which is the lesser of your own evils.

Coulson? Phil Coulson? He's in charge of your world's SHIELD?

He probably figured given enough time, SHIELD could become an asset to the gov't again. Then running them aground would do your brother no good. I'm guessing he never got back around to them or putting you away?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

survives
2015-10-25 05:44 pm UTC (link)

Registration?

Strategically sound if Christian was a person of his word, but he's not. He never has been, and I tried to tell Coulson that, but he wasn't interested in listening. Whatever I had to say, it was just going to be lies.

Yeah. He is. Fury left him in charge under the assumption that Coulson could bring SHIELD back to what it was supposed to be. Except he hasn't. He's driven it so much furthrr from its potential....

I wasn't going back to him. My brother made my childhood hell. He spent fifteen years torturing us, using me, and lyingin order not to take the blame. I wasn't going back to him especially not in chains.

So I escaped. I thought... if I couldn't show them I could help them on their terms, maybe I could do it on my own.

Once I took care of the danger my brother represented.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-24 08:04 pm UTC (link)
	You are better here, Grant. And here at least you have reasons to live. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara survives 2015-10-25 03:00 pm UTC (link)
	Better but still broken. I wish I still didn't feel the lingering urge to get back at them all. Even if I can ignore it for what's worth living for. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-25 03:21 pm UTC (link)
	We're both broken. You can't help it, I'd be exactly the same if our situations were reversed. Maybe with more time that urge will disappear. I'm just glad you're able to ignore it. I don't want anything to happen to you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara survives 2015-10-25 05:17 pm UTC (link)
	Maybe. Hopefully. I'm less angry than I have been. But that might be because the target of the majority of my anger isn't present. Hunter and Bobbi are just irritations. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-25 05:47 pm UTC (link)
	Well I'll do my best to give you things to focus on other than any lingering anger. I hope she never turns up here though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara survives 2015-10-25 05:50 pm UTC (link)
	You're already succeeding there. And even if she does, we'll figure out a way to deal with it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-25 05:56 pm UTC (link)
	That doesn't mean I can't try harder or do more though. I already decided how we were going to deal with it, remember. I'm going to keep you locked up in the apartment with me. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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