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Tweak says, "I'll sleep when I'm dead"

Scorpius Malfoy (hd_scorpius) wrote in hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-06-19 14:25:00

Entry tags:

character: draco malfoy, character: james s. potter, character: scorpius malfoy, character: theodore nott

RP: Making Decisions
Who: Scorpius, open to multiple tails
When: throughout the day, 19th June
Where: infirmary
What: Scorpius has been thinking about what Marlene had said

Marlene had given him a lot to think about. Until their discussion, he had assumed that he'd be covered in scars for the rest of his life. Sure, they could work to make them a little less obvious, but they couldn't cure them. What Marlene was suggesting meant recreating his entire body. Except that it wouldn't be exactly his body, because spells weren't that perfect and it was better to be something else that trying to get it exactly right and botching it.

He'd never heard of it before, but then he supposed that for a few burns, people wouldn't consider changing who they were. He couldn't imagine Charlie Weasley losing his scars, for example. Of course, they could try to get as close to his look as possible and keep their fingers crossed. It was a possibility, but he could also be someone else.

For years, he'd played at being a woman, with dresses and make up. It had made him famous. The boy who could look like a boy or a girl. He'd walked down the catwalks for both styles. If he did what he was thinking of doing, he'd be boringly female, but would he be happier? Would she be happier?

Scorpius knew that he had to talk about it. Normally he'd have talked about it with Albus, but he was petrified at the moment, instead, he brought it up with his visitors.

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-20 12:51 am UTC (link)

Jamie laughed at the admonishment. "But, if I was perfectly proper and followed all the niceties without any press about, even your grandmother knows you'd have to check me for hexes or Imperius." He might not be as bad as his dad when it came to social pleasantries, but Jamie didn't do formal the way the Malfoys did. He wasn't sure anyone, with the possible exception of Regulus Black, did the formal social niceties that way any more.

Surprised and oddly touched at the reason, Jamie smiled, one of the sort of smiles the press never got to see. "Thank you. I...appreciate the thought." He had tried to pretend for years that it didn't matter. He was over the disappointment. But, the way he knew he'd lit up at seeing his dad come out onto the tower battlements, cake in hand, told him he wasn't as over it as he'd thought. It would have been crushing if it had happened here. "It was good, though. We talked, really talked, and shared the cake. Then we had dinner just the two of us last night." Honestly, it was probably the best birthday for their relationship since Jamie could count his age in single digits.

"That's a step forward, though, being able to start healing some of the damage, right? How's your dad holding up?" he asked, thinking Draco Malfoy had to be feeling rough with his son so badly injured and his father teetering on the brink of death. Then he frowned, confused. "What do you mean you wouldn't look like you? Like 'you but different'? Or If I saw you on the street and didn't know, I wouldn't recognize you?"

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Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-20 01:02 am UTC (link)

"Of course, those Potters. No manners to speak of. The press can never realize how bad they are. Truly bad. Even Albus, who's not terrible, can't seem to understand proper etiquette," he said, sounding a lot more like his grandfather used to.

He nodded. "It wasn't just me. It was everyone." He knew that such a simple thing could be the best. He had always enjoyed the quiet moments with his parents a lot more than the public parties and imagined that it was even more important to the Potters considering their history. "You sound happy. That's good. Maybe this whole crazy world is good for something."

Scorpius knew that it was a lot more than a step forward. "He's busy, working. I think that's making him stay sane. If he's working, he can't think of the rest. Besides, he's really good at compartmentalizing. It's why he was always good at occlumency." He was starting to get good at this. "Well, they can't be sure it'll be exactly like me and she can go as close as possible or as different as I want, because it's all magic. Well, as different as bone structure would allow obviously. I could even become... a woman if I wanted to."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-20 01:21 am UTC (link)

"Nope. Can't take us Potters anywhere. You'll appreciate the irony. I was just talking to Dad yesterday about an etiquette book we used to have in the library." Jamie could only assume it was something inherited as part of the Black Family holdings, especially after his dad's reaction to the book the day before. He might ask Regulus or Sirius about it sometime.

"It's just you I'm talking to right now, though." Blinking, he took a moment to poke around at the word in his head. Happy. Would he know happy if he felt it? Jamie knew he put on a good act at home. But, he wondered if he'd ever truly felt happy. He must have, right? It wasn't like he was a depressed moper all the time! "Maybe. I guess we'll see. It does seem like it's getting better for now, though."

He nodded slowly. "That makes sense." And Jamie could sympathise. Not being able to do anything was the biggest reason he'd been ready to crack for days. If he had something else to focus on, he wouldn't have to focus on his fear, either. The rest wasn't as straightforward. Jamie thought it was, following along easily enough. Until he caught the hesitation near the end of Scorpius' explanation. "Is that something you're considering?" he asked carefully. "Becoming a woman?"

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-20 01:49 am UTC (link)

Scorpius laughed lightly, careful not to move "I can just see all of you sitting around and discussing etiquette rules from some book you have. I don't know who'd feel more insulted by the idea: your father or your mother. Maybe your grandparents, as if you aren't good enough, need to be like those snob Slytherins." The Weasleys had never pretended to like him and he felt no problem reciprocating.

"Then you're very welcome." He raised an eyebrow. "Are you not aware that you sound happy? Or are you so used to expecting the worst that you haven't processed it yet? You sound like I do when Dad does something sweet and caring. It's a good look on you. Makes you look almost human."

Scorpius had been considering it for a long time and now it seemed so possible. "There have been a few people who have done it, couple of international models. There were no burns then and I thought 'maybe', but then I was the Malfoy heir, only son. Now- I don't know, there's no one to care, but there are also so few of us. It would truly mean the end of the Malfoy line. I'm... undecided."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-20 03:20 am UTC (link)

Jamie waved his hand in mock dismissal. "Who said anything about reading the rules? We were talking about the charms on it. Dad thought it must have been a gift from Ted's grandmother. I swear he's forgotten he inherited the entire library from Sirius." Snorting at the mention of his grandparents, he rolled his eyes. "We should leave off talking about my grandparents' thoughts on Slytherins if you want me to keep that good mood." He still had never forgiven his grandmother for her attitude toward Al and Grandpa Arthur was just as bad when it came to anyone named Malfoy.

"You know, between you and Savannah I'm going to get a complex worrying that I've been some unbearable berk all this time. Have I really been that bad?" He had always thought he played the part better than that, only the people close to him -- of which their were few and far between -- seeing the cracks. But, the only two outside his family that he'd let in at all both seemed to agree on this.

"Would it, though?" Jamie wasn't sure how he felt about the idea of a man becoming a woman. It wasn't something he'd ever wondered about in his life. But, he'd never felt compelled to wear make-up and dresses, either, and it didn't make a bit of difference in his affection for Scorpius. "There were those experiments the Germans were conducting to help gay men have children. And there are ways to preserve sperm and such, even in the muggle world. It might not be as simple as a man and a woman and the missionary position. But, if you wanted a Malfoy heir, it could still be possible. ...I think."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-20 03:34 am UTC (link)

"Right, I should have known, but that's- Oh wait, you're serious! I thought you were trying to make fun of me. I should have known better. He really can't see the point of a book unless you need information to slay the metaphorical dragon." He nodded. "Sure, although you weren't really a fan of Slytherins. Just of your brother who happened to be a Slytherin." It was still nothing compared to the divisions he had seen in his father's memories.

"You haven't. You've been perfectly behaved. Grandmother would have been proud to see how well you can act, smiling like nothing touches you, and you can fool a lot of people, but then most people don't care to look past the obvious, to see that the smiles never quite reach your eyes, at least not when you are talking about your parents."

He chuckled. "Jamie, you are making it very complicated when becoming a woman would make that part really easy. Or well, not easy, but easier, I guess. Still I don't want a child, I want a family. I want to show my children what my parents showed me." He paused for a moment, hesitating before speaking up again. "What do you think? About the change?"

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-20 04:02 am UTC (link)

"Nope. I actually was telling him about this old etiquette book in the library, wouldn't open or close unless you said 'please' or 'thank you' yesterday." Jamie shrugged, not about to argue when it was true. But, then, Jamie hadn't really been a fan of Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, or Gryffindors, either. He'd stopped trusting people in general early in his first year. "There might have been one or two more than grew on me, despite trash talk on the pitch," he added, looking pointedly at one who had.

"And this makes me seem not human?" Honestly, he had always thought the charade was just part of the game, that behind it he was fairly normal. Except for the part where his parents were Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley and both seemed to frequently forget they had three children. But, he could also admit, to himself, that his confidence had taken a bit of a hit since coming here. Too few people, not enough facades to hide the raw parts behind while he and his dad worked out their not-quite-history.

"Well, it's not a question I've thought about and you're the one saying your line would end. I'm the one still trying to wrap my head around being attracted to men and whether or not I've ever really been attracted to women." And Jamie had never felt an urge to have kids. He was too much like his dad. He'd probably fuck them up worse than he had been, he'd always thought. But, this wasn't about Jamie. "I think it would take some getting used to. It's a big change, even if it's one you want, and I would assume fairly permanent unless you go through this whole process in reverse...at least I'm assuming there's a whole process? And that it's safe? But, if it's what will make you happiest in the long run, if it's what you truly want, then who am I to tell you not to do it?"

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-20 04:25 am UTC (link)

"That's cute. The book, not the fact that your father has no idea about the book, since presumably it was there before you were born." He chuckled. "I know you're not talking about me, because I wouldn't be caught dead on the pitch. All that practice outdoor is terrible for your skin."

For a moment he was confused, but then remembered what he had just said. "I was teasing about the almost human. I know you're human. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be upset or disappointed and you wouldn't have to pretend," he explained. "I'm sorry if it's a bad joke. I don't mean to ruin your good mood."

This gave him something else to concentrate on, something other than his existential crisis. "How do you not know if you are attracted to women? I get not knowing about being attracted to men, but don't you know if you find women attractive?" He nodded. "Yes it's fairly permanent. It's safe but painful, but then I have to go through it anyway unless I want to remain scarred and that's not an option, but I can't imagine going back and forth. I just- I don't know."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-20 07:50 pm UTC (link)

"Probably," Jamie agreed with a laugh. He thought that maybe he ought to ask Regulus or Sirius about it sometime. Maybe some of the other books in the collection, too. "Of course not, couldn't be you at all," he teased.

"No." He shook his head, mentally berating himself for the insecurity while also realizing it was a side-effect of the emotional conversation with his dad the day before and the days of uncertainty they were all living through the past week. "Just a moment of confusion because I've had similar conversations in the past. You didn't ruin anything. Promise."

Raising an eyebrow, he tilted his head a bit. "Because now I'm questioning everything. Society might be a bit more accepting of things now, but heterosexual is still the default. It's assumed, expected, until it doesn't apply. Everyone in my family is paired off: man, woman, kids. Except Uncle Charlie, who's never said anything one way or the other, even if we all have our suspicions as to why he stays in Romania." Jamie shrugged. "Until a year or so ago, I never questioned that I was as straight as the rest of them. Then...there was a lot of questioning, some experiencing, a revelation or two... I've always done what was expected, maintained the family reputation. Maybe that was more of the same?"

Nodding, he breathed a little easier knowing the process would be relatively safe. (Nothing that extensive could be completely without risk, he thought.) "Since it's safe, then I think what matters the most is what you want. And if you're not sure...well, is there a window of time you can think about it? Or do you have to decide quickly in order to do what's necessary to heal the burn scars?"

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-20 08:48 pm UTC (link)

"Glad that we understand each other," he said, smiling. Scorpius kept his eyes on Jamie, since it was the only way to keep contact at the moment. "You do- did spend a lot of time looking perfect for the outside world, to give the impression that you were superhuman, just like your dad. People who know you might tease you about it, but none of us believe that mask. We all know how terribly imperfect you are," he teased.

Scorpius rolled his eyes. "There's expectations and there's attraction. When I see a naked woman, I'm not thinking that I want to bang her, but that I want to look like her. You either feel that attraction or don't. I'm not saying that you're attracted to every woman on the planet, but that you are attracted by the female form. You can solve that one by figuring out if you come thinking of a woman. Not that it means you can't enjoy the male form either."

He wanted to bang his head against the wall. "I know, but I can't decide. I see myself as a woman, but I also see myself as a man, but I'm pretty sure that I'll have to pick one and I don't know if I want that. I want to be both. Why isn't there a way to be both?" he asked with a sigh. "I took the first potion to rebuild healthy flesh. It'll be a few days before I have to decide. I just don't know."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-20 11:20 pm UTC (link)

"Do, did, will again?" Jamie added with a wry smirk. It wasn't needed right now. But, that was why he'd pushed to have his dad put him in position to manage communications. If that facade was needed again to protect his family and the people here, Jamie would do it without question. "Not that the people who know me would have any idea about public faces and private faces?" was his own teasing return.

"I'm well aware of the difference. But, there are also plenty of stories about people who subconsciously repress their attraction to men, who convince themselves they're attracted to women and are perfectly capable of performing in the bedroom regardless. It's not like I've ever spent an inordinate amount of time wondering if I was really attracted to whatever woman was the one night stand of the moment." He'd had one actual relationship in his life and he'd never once thought of it as anything more than 'comfortable'. How would he know the difference? "I don't think it's unreasonable, when faced with that kind of realization about oneself, to wonder about what came before."

Sighing, Jamie pulled his chair closer so he could lean on the edge of the bed, far enough within Scorpius' 'personal space' it could serve for the friendly arm Jamie couldn't put around his shoulders. "Hate to break it to you, but I can't decide for you. Sorry." And it had to be maddening to have to make that kind of decision in such a short time. "Have you asked if you'd have to pick? Maybe there's something more...in between? Something that would let you feel like both? I don't know if that even makes sense," he added with a confused frown.

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-21 12:00 am UTC (link)

"Not really do, considering how small our little group is and the fact that you're related to half of them." And even the people that weren't blood related had some sort of connection like Scorpius and Draco. "Oh yes, never could understand the difference. It's not like Malfoys ever make that distinction."

Scorpius shrugged. "Maybe it's the fact that I worked in fashion and everyone was gay, or bi, or experimenting. I'm not even sure I know anyone straight. I thought you were and you went and ruined my claim to fame. Maybe Lilu. I should ask."

He groaned at the answer. "I know. I almost wish that someone could make the decision for me." He smiled. "Oh love, you can be so sweet and innocent. Sure, I can pick a face that's androgynous enough, like mine, but there's no in between a pussy and a vagina. I should have had Teddy's power. His talent was wasted on him. You're good with weird spells. Are there any spells that could let me switch at will? That'd be the best."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-21 03:16 am UTC (link)

"Nah, only related to about..." Counting in his head, Jamie ended with a shrug. "Okay, yeah, about half of them." He laughed and shook his head. He really was related to half the people there, some more distantly than others. "Yeah, that's what I thought, those Malfoys. No sense of discretion." He couldn't help snorting at that. Even in jest he couldn't say it with a straight face.

He chuckled softly. "You thought I was straight, but offered sex anyway?" He didn't know about the people in the fashion industry. Jamie had done a few sponsorships, some photoshoots for select publications. But, he hadn't been in that world, didn't know it the way Scorpius did. "I'm still in the big brother camp that says no one should be touching my little sister until she's at least fifty. So, I'll let you do the asking there," he added with another laugh.

"Me? Sweet?" He bat his lashes like an idiot, just for the laugh. "But, I think you mean ignorant in this case, since it's really not something I know much about." Thinking about it, he shook his head. "Sorry. There's a few glamour spells, but they make others see you differently. They don't actually make you what they see. Honestly, you probably don't want me to know of one, considering I work mainly with curses and malevolent spells." Anything he might come across would probably exact far too high a price for a temporary illusion.

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

hd_scorpius
2021-06-21 03:29 am UTC (link)

"When will you learn that I'm always right? Just accept and your life will be so much easier. It's taken me years to train Albus, but he finally gets it. I'll just have to do the same with you," he teased, before snorting. "Oh, I know. They wear their hearts on their sleeves."

Scorpius shrugged. "I was horny and running out of options. Besides I didn't really think that you would be interested. It was a surprise." He rolled his eyes. "Sure, she's the Virgin Mary, although in this place, you don't have to worry. We're all turning into monks and nuns, with very few exceptions."

He knew that no one probably had the answer, because who was crazy enough to want this. "Okay, so you're good at research, see if you can find something. Ideally, something that could mimic what a metamorphmagus does, but I doubt there is anything quite like that. There are species that are hermaphrodite, maybe something like it? I have no idea and I'm stuck here. Granted, Hogwarts is probably not the place to find that information."

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Re: Jamie and Scorpius

curseseeker
2021-06-21 04:03 am UTC (link)

"It might take longer with me. I'm a bit more stubborn and sure that I'm right," Jamie teased back, although this was only half a joke. He might be willing to listen to other opinions, but he was generally slow to change his own. "Very emotional." He nodded sagely, fighting another smirk.

It was Jamie's turn to shrug as he was well aware he'd kept his sexual discovery well under wraps while he sorted things out for himself in private. "Hush now. I can't hear such talk. Little sisters must remain pure as the driven snow." As if Lilu would ever let him get away with that! "At least monks and nuns have a calling to blame their celibacy on." Of course, Jamie was related to half the people there, so that was another wrench in things even if one discounted his innate ability to trust the longevity of discretion in such a small society.

"I can see what I can come up with, at the very least maybe there's something we can modify a bit to do what you need." Hogwarts library might not be a great source of information, but they'd collected everything they found in the village, were looking into the manors, if nothing else, there might be something old and forgotten in the library from home. "The latter might take more than a few days, though."

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