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Tweak says, "stay away from 'brim' "

theodore nott is the hope for the future. (cogently) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2013-04-29 22:42:00

Entry tags:

ch: heir: harry potter, ch: heir: theodore nott, p: annalisa, p: giles

Who: Theodore & Harry^heir
What: talking about feels and guilt~
When: uhh. around the beginning of Mountain World? Idk, backdated.
Where: at the compound gates.
Warnings: talking about war and betrayal?

There were many things that Theodore could process very quickly. Logic, theory, mathematics; all of those things came easily to him. Processing emotion was far more difficult, a belabored process in which he attempted to separate each emotion individually and examine its origin and reason for existing, and then formulate a way in which to deal with it. Some emotions were straightforward: he felt grief and sadness for the dead, because they were gone and lost, never to return. Others were incomprehensibly complicated, and at those times he found it most useful to speak to someone else who had a better understanding of sentiment. Given the fact that he'd been raised by the most emotionally inept of his parents, the position of emotional confidante had fallen largely to his friends.

Thankfully, even while he was in a compound that defied the laws of time and space, he still had those. He had asked Harry to meet him at the gate for an evening walk; somehow the sight of the sun setting over the mountains seemed like an appropriate backdrop for the conversation he wanted to initiate. And at precisely the appointed meeting time-- not one second before or one second less-- he was standing beside the gate, waiting for his friend.

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cogently
2013-05-01 04:09 am UTC (link)

Theodore supposed that he might get bored of such worlds, but there always seemed to be something to do. If nothing else, he could go to the library. He was there frequently, reading material from other worlds, just for the sake of curiosity and distraction. He wasn't looking for anything in particular.

"You deserve to be overwhelmed by the good things, for once," he said with a slight smile. "But being overwhelmed by good is still, nevertheless, overwhelming." He raised a hand to run over his mouth. "My father. He was on my mind already... but then he was here, or a version of him was, in that awful world with the ironic name."

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	heirypotter 2013-05-01 04:25 am UTC (link)
	"Yeah ... that was, well, nothing in that world was very pleasant. But I know that was rough on you, seeing that version of him in particular." Harry paused, then asked, "Is ... well I guess the answer to whether he's alright or not is pretty self-evident given the outcome of the battle; but did he survive, at least?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

cogently
2013-05-02 04:03 pm UTC (link)

"He did," Theodore said. "He surrendered after the battle, and went to prison. In some ways, that makes it even worse." Because his father was alive to endure not only the horrible torment of Azkaban, but the knowledge that his son had betrayed him. "He lived to know that I fought to tear down the world he created. And in the love world, I did it all over again."

He looked genuinely helpless for a moment, in the face of all the emotion he had in association with both events. "I don't know how to reconcile with any of that."

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heirypotter
2013-05-07 10:07 pm UTC (link)

"I don't either." Harry said quietly. And he knew that it was harder for Theo. Harry had never loved his "Father," and while he'd loved the guardians who'd actually raised him, Severus and the Lestranges and the Malfoys, on some level he'd always known that they weren't his real family. And of course, he was the one who'd led his friends to betray their families. That the betrayal was necessary, that the world their parents had built for them was a world no one should have to live in, that Harry still believed. Cecily.

"We always said we were going into the war with our eyes open, not like the D.A. or the rest, but sometimes I think we were kidding ourselves. I don't think you ever really know the cost until after you've paid it." He frowned, then added. "I guess the question is, would you make the choice again, knowing what you know now?"

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cogently
2013-05-08 12:49 am UTC (link)

Theodore gave a slight smile. "Yes, we did say that," he said. "I think we knew as much of it as we could possibly know at the time. I had calculated the risks of my death or the deaths of my friends and family. I hadn't accounted for sentiments other than grief."

But Harry was right, he could not have accounted for sentiments before he'd felt them. Guilt was a strange sentiment, one that was utterly unfamiliar, and he did not know what to do with it. It made him want to honor his father, or redeem himself in his father's eyes somehow, but what could he possibly do that would honor his father without following in his footsteps somehow? And if he could find a way-- if he went into law, and the Ministry, as he'd been considering-- would it even begin to make up for anything at all?

Taking a deep breath, he nodded. "I did. I made the same choice in the love world. To prioritize the good of the world over my loyalty to him." He raised a hand to run through his short hair. "And I believe I would do it again. But that only makes me feel worse."

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heirypotter
2013-05-08 02:56 am UTC (link)

"I don't know how to reconcile it, either." Harry said, quietly. "Not completely." Guilt was a feeling Harry was all too familiar with, one so much a part of him that he doubted he'd ever fully leave it behind. Of course, he didn't think he deserved to, either: some of the things he'd done were things that he shouldn't be allowed to get over. But he also knew he had a tendency to blame himself for things that weren't his fault, and seeing the difference was something he was trying to work on during his time in the Compound.

"For what it's worth, I think your father would want you to make a place for yourself in the world, even if it's not the world he would have made for you."

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cogently
2013-05-08 06:12 am UTC (link)

"Oh, I know he would," Theodore said, with a slightly bitter laugh. "He surrendered so that I could. And somehow that makes it a million times worse."

He couldn't even begin to explain how that had shaken him to the core. It was one thing for his father to have to pay for what he'd done in the Dark Lord's service, for him to have to go be imprisoned to make the world a safer place. That was something that Theodore had taken into account; he had joined the war knowing that he would lose his father in the process. But while he had been willing to sacrifice his father for the sake of the world, his father had sacrificed everything for him. How could he think himself the better person in that scenario? In what way was this right winning out over wrong?

He shook his head, throat tight, arms coming up to wrap around himself as if he was cold, but the night air was perfectly pleasant. Quietly, he said, "I don't know how to live with that."

He didn't mean that he wanted to die because of it. That would be illogical; he was grateful to be alive, particularly because his chances of not doing so had been so high. What he meant was, he didn't know what kind of life he was supposed to be living. It felt wrong to continue on the path he'd chosen, yet he obviously couldn't try to start his father's (and the Dark Lord's) work back up again. How did he do the right thing while still carrying his father's mantle? Swallowing, he shook his head. "I suppose it doesn't really matter here, anyway. This isn't my world, or his."

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