InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Me? I'm dishonest."

Akuba Maeko (giantfruitbyday) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2009-12-28 05:40:00

Entry tags:

kozue, maeko

Who: Maeko, Kozue
What: Swimsuit shopping, complaining
Where: A shop that sells swimsuits, more than likely!
When: Early afternoon sometime
Why: COMPLAINING TIME

The calmness Maeko had forced upon herself felt familiar. It wasn't just the same as every other time she'd smiled and gritted her teeth and hidden behind self-enforced serenity. It felt similar to something else, too. But she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

She might have been a little concerned if she realized she was comparing it to the quiet nothing back in the cold when everything was numb. For now it was pleasant, better by far than hurting someone. Certainly better than acknowledging for five years she'd been willing (maybe even wanting, when Misaki was difficult and it got too tiring) to die for someone who was just tricking her for petty revenge.

Shut up, brain.

Maeko had arranged to do this with Misaki. So naturally doing it alone was ~~spiteful to both of them~~ an excellent way of proving to herself that they were never going to communicate again.

She stared at a tankini she had picked up, decided it was stupid and she was angry with it for being so stupid and put it back.

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anthesphoria
2009-12-28 07:48 am UTC (link)

Kozue chuckled, although it was still tinged with a bit of melancholy. "You had a really cool cape, though. I just seem to keep ending up with slutty boots." She shrugged. "At least they look good on me. Maybe I'll buy a pair."

She flipped half-heartedly through a few more suits, and turned to Maeko: "So you didn't have anything you could do, either? Does that feel like—I don't know, I'm pretty silly for still caring about it." Even though Tom had explained it to her, and even though she'd felt flattered to hear what he had to say, the nagging doubt persisted at the back of her mind. You're not good for anything useful, so they stick you with the slutty outfits and make you fix everyone else's bruises instead of fighting, yourself.

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giantfruitbyday
2009-12-28 08:11 am UTC (link)

"I'd try a cape but I'm sure it'd get caught in doors.

Even when she gritted her teeth and nodded, Maeko couldn't bring herself to fake a smile this time. She couldn't even bring herself to blame her upset on the ugly one-piece with the polkadots that even she in her ignorance felt entitled to hate for existing.

It had been horrifying. She didn't trust Keiichi and he had been, if the descriptions were accurate, near-omnipotent while she had no way to defend herself. Even when he'd said she should have been left to die because she was a bad person and didn't deserve to live she couldn't argue because he could crush her so easily (and Misaki hadn't even cared, but now she knew Misaki had never cared about anyone but herself anyway). The shadows had been nothing compared to that. Even Misaki, Misaki who she ~~was~~ had been meant to protect had been so many times stronger than her. It should have, in hindsight, been a clue (had everyone else worked out that beforehand, too? Kanaye had known. She really was stupid.).

And that had been made by Tom's mind, right? So that was how Tom thought of her. Much as she tried to ignore the behaviour of shadows she couldn't quite manage it this time. Did that mean everyone thought of her that way? Capable of nothing? And only let her into the group for her own benefit rather than because she was any use. She remembered that part of her description for better than she should.

After far too much thought she looked away and bit her lip quietly. "I don't think it's silly at all."

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anthesphoria
2009-12-28 06:54 pm UTC (link)

Maeko was right to hate that swimsuit, at least; polka dots were, in Kozue's opinion, pretty much criminal.

She looked down, and stopped considering suits for a moment. Her throat was sort of dry; Tom had excused himself, at least partly, from blame. Even if his reasons still didn't entirely make sense—and even if he'd never mentioned why she was the one in fishnets and underwear. But that didn't help the fact that her whole raison d'être in Paradise was to follow everyone else around while they solved puzzles and fought Shadows. And to use Diarama. And to, apparently, wear skimpy outfits.

"It isn't? I mean—I don't know," Kozue was stumbling slightly over words, a by-product of the fact that her mouth sometimes moved quite a bit faster than her brain. Stumbles and fillers gave her mind a chance to catch up. "I've been feeling like that's sort of how it goes the whole time, not just in super hero outfits. Do you… feel that way too?"

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	giantfruitbyday 2009-12-28 07:56 pm UTC (link)
	"Weak?" She asked, not really sure whether or not she even needed clarification here. "Like you're just waiting for someone to get hurt so you can patch them up again when everyone else can just prevent that from happenning in the first place?" She didn't wait for confirmation before she nodded. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

anthesphoria
2009-12-29 04:13 pm UTC (link)

Kozue let out a breath, and then nodded: "Yeah. Or." She let out another huff of air that sounded almost like a laugh. "I mean, 'weak', but that's pretty normal. I'm always weak. There, it's like I'm only good for anything as long as there are other people around."

"But we're not there, now, right? Here, look at this one," she suggested, looking at another rack of suits—it was an acceptable distraction, for one thing, and it was actually pretty cute. It had that skirt that she'd been talking about, although she wasn't sure if pink was a Maeko color or not.

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giantfruitbyday
2009-12-29 04:53 pm UTC (link)

"...I guess it's not too much of a problem. People don't go in alone so."

It was far too clear that this time she was missing the point deliberately.

Maeko had always thought of Kozue as someone she'd never be able to empathize with. She was pretty and rich and friendly and confident and basically everything Maeko wasn't other than maybe not so bright. But being defined so totally by the people around seemed familiar. Wasn't she herself having such difficulty finding a way to define herself other than 'Aoi's ~~friend~~ babysitter'? Suddenly that didn't seem so far away from having your only real talents, be they healing or being confident and likable and generally good with people, completely dependant on the presence of others.

And suddenly she didn't think she wanted to be able to empathize with Kozue anymore.

"Oh, it's got the skirt thing! It really is cute!" Pink, in limited amounts until recently unless she'd really needed to vanish like a chameleon whenever she stood next to Misaki, was as much a Maeko colour as any other was. And right now it was the beautiful, beautiful colour of discussing something else.

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