InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'll break your face"

kondo kozue | 近藤梢 (anthesphoria) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2010-11-02 15:31:00

Entry tags:

kiriko, kozue

WHO: Kozue and Kiriko.
WHAT: What we do every night, ~~Pinky~~ Kozue!
WHERE: Their room.
WHEN: Some time after the dungeon.
WHY: Because Kozue and Kiriko are actually a pretty good Pinky & the Brain allegory; one is ambitious and a bit evil, one is well-meaning but a doofus.

Kozue was actually fairly predictable when something was on her mind.

She tried to make herself busy, usually in doing things that she'd already taken care of once that day, like touching up her nails or checking her email over and over; she opened and closed the binder where that day's study assignment was housed without really looking at it. (This in and of itself was not unusual at all, since she barely ever studied, but she usually only touched her homework once in an evening, if even that.)

Today she had also been channel surfing for ages; but television had proved to be, once again, a vast wasteland, and Kozue had given over to watching amusing commercials. Finally, she gave a heavy (slightly over-dramatic) sigh and turned to look at Kiriko.

"I want to talk about Paradise for a bit. Do you mind?"

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apathyisboring
2010-11-03 12:35 am UTC (link)

"Nope."

Kiriko took a moment to look up from the book balanced open on her lap - she had been busy scribbling in the margins, marking off useful sections for citations for the essay they'd inevitably be writing for the next exam. It made the whole process easier to do it this way, though she had convinced very few people to her side.

The book closed when she looked up.

"What did you want to talk about?"

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anthesphoria
2010-11-03 01:20 am UTC (link)

For another, Kozue would have been far more likely to amble around the question, slide sideways into the topic, and pretend it hadn't been her idea at all in the first place; she felt no compulsion to do that here.

"Did you really think I was going to get grabbed by those shadow hands, in Yamada-senpai's place? I don't… I didn't think it was that close, really."

It sounded small, and a bit defensive.

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apathyisboring
2010-11-03 05:46 am UTC (link)

The question took her aback, though not as much as the way Kozue had asked it.

"Well..." Don't you always? was on the tip of her tongue, but that was probably imprudent to say - if Kozue was asking her that out of the blue in a defensive tone, it probably meant that the answer wasn't supposed to be affirmative, right? Proceeding with caution was usually the wisest thing to do.

"Isn't it better safe than sorry? You were pretty upset last time."

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anthesphoria
2010-11-03 11:45 pm UTC (link)

"Was I?" Kozue furrowed her brow, thinking back—when had she been upset? There was Reizo's place, but that was something a little different than being grabbed or tied up or shoved into a car trunk and, she thought, she had been quite justified in being upset that time.

"It's actually been a while since... well, something like that happened to me." She qualified. "I'm at as much risk as anyone else, aren't I?"

This response mattered to her. She had an answer or at least, she thought she did; but what was Kiriko's answer?

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	apathyisboring 2010-11-03 11:54 pm UTC (link)
	"Yeah," she answered, "But what are you getting at with that?" Would anyone deny that Kozue was at as much risk as everyone else? Probably not - all the more reason to have grabbed her and run. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	anthesphoria 2010-11-04 12:03 am UTC (link)
	"Why do I always need to be protected, then?" It wasn't just Kiriko. It was, sometimes, a seemingly unified force of friends and acquaintances jumping to the conclusion that she was in danger and that she needed to be rescued from it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	apathyisboring 2010-11-04 12:16 am UTC (link)
	Again, Kiriko was surprised. Did Kozue always need to be protected? "You don't," she concluded aloud, though she could see what her friend was getting at by saying that. "It's just that... Well, I couldn't help you last time, in Shirai's place, and look how that ended up." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

anthesphoria
2010-11-04 12:24 am UTC (link)

"I came through it alright." That was how it had ended up, although Kozue neglected to mention the fact that by the end of it she'd been mostly a sobbing, terrified mess, unable to even think about trying her luck against the Other Reizo, or much of anything else. She'd survived that, somehow, and she was willing to bet that it hadn't been because of money or family connection or sexual availability.

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	apathyisboring 2010-11-04 12:28 am UTC (link)
	Kiriko's brow knit. "No you didn't. You were having nightmares for weeks. You left. You had to go back to the hotel - not the hotel, but a hotel. How is that coming through it alright?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	anthesphoria 2010-11-04 12:34 am UTC (link)
	"That was part of coming through it alright," she replied, shifting on her bed and, for once, not quite curling in upon herself at an unpleasant thought. "I had all my limbs and—" she waved her hand a little, "my throat and my head, when I left. And everything else? I fixed it." "And part of that was going to a hotel. So what?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	apathyisboring 2010-11-04 12:37 am UTC (link)
	"So what?" Kiriko sounded downright incredulous and, when she continued on, more than a little annoyed. "For you that was like, a step away from jumping back into Paradise, wasn't it? Some of the people who did get their throats taken out came out of it better off. You were messed up about it, you even said so yourself." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

anthesphoria
2010-11-04 12:47 am UTC (link)

"It was different," Kozue insisted, almost immediately—although in truth, it was quite like jumping back into Paradise. Almost precisely. And her parents (and her parents' charge card) probably would have thanked her for taking the other option.

But it wasn't the same if you weren't fighting yourself; if you were, as awkwardly as Kozue was stumbling towards it, actually accepting of those hurtful parts of you. Kiriko had said it back after Seiji had died, more or less.

"Shirai-kun's place was the worst we've ever seen. I had every reason to be messed up."

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apathyisboring
2010-11-04 12:51 am UTC (link)

"Different how?" she demanded. It was a little hard to believe this conversation was even taking place. Wasn't it obvious to Kozue? Going into Paradise was bad - dangerously self-indulgent in the most literal sense - and so how could replicating it in the real world be any better?

"I never said you didn't have any reason," she protested. Nobody would argue that - probably not even Reizo himself. "I just said you were messed up worse. Nobody else ran away."

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anthesphoria
2010-11-04 12:58 am UTC (link)

"It's different if I'm in control, and I decide when I go and when I come back—and can be somewhere I can get to being at peace with myself, just by myself, again. And if I'm somewhere where there's absolutely no chance of ending up dead."

She frowned, wanting to add more, but stopping. A flat discussion of how this was the entire thing they were supposed to be doing, and that this was her taking back not only a place that made her happy but a piece of herself, and making it her own again? She was not sure if it would go over well with Kiriko. Not in this mood; the mood that Kozue was only gradually becoming aware that Kiriko had ventured into.

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apathyisboring
2010-11-04 01:04 am UTC (link)

"Everybody claimed to be in control of theirs, it didn't really work out so well. And maybe you weren't in the real deal, but I don't get how it wasn't too close for comfort."

Kiriko seemed to deflate during the silence, uneasy and teetering on the edge of saying something else or saying nothing at all. She ultimately went for the first option, continuing in a smaller voice.

"You left. I had a right to be worried about you. And what kind of friend would I be if I didn't worry about you at all? You were mad at me, I thought that's what you would have wanted."

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anthesphoria
2010-11-04 01:15 am UTC (link)

She had been about to add that some indication of her actually being in control was the lack of a twisted, semi-psychotic version of herself hell-bent on her own destruction-and-adoration simultaneously, or the fact that nobody had rescued her. But the quieter voice, and Kiriko's next words took some of the argument out of her.

Or at least turned it away, a bit, and Kozue's face scrunched slightly. She thought, and was quiet for a moment. Then, "Maybe you're right. I hadn't thought of it like that. But there's a difference between worrying and making me someone who can't possibly take care of herself." A beat. She thought, for a moment, of Maeko and Misaki and their Shadows, and was unsettled. "Or at least making me feel that way."

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apathyisboring
2010-11-04 01:20 am UTC (link)

That somewhere among her first impulse responses was that Kozue might not be able to take care of herself told Kiriko that she was most likely justified in what she was saying, but it was not a pleasant thing to think about. What was she supposed to do? Hadn't Kozue been mad? Didn't she depend on her? Wasn't it part of being a good friend to live up to that expectation? She had figured as much, but she didn't know any more.

She did treat Kozue differently. With a little more delicacy. Occasionally, as a little more easily taken advantage of - though none of those were things she could admit.

"... What am I supposed to do, then?"

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anthesphoria
2010-11-04 01:36 am UTC (link)

This gave Kozue pause. She was not sure what she had been expecting—speaking in the heat of the moment and without thinking it through—but this, she decided, would have been ranked fairly low if she had made a list.

And saying that she didn't know wasn't fair. She'd started this; she owed it to Kiriko not to simply dump it upon her and wash her hands of it, to say she had no responsibility to help fix it now that she had pointed it out. It was tempting to leave it all to Kiriko. And that itself was part of the problem. It was easy, and it was sometimes enjoyable, to depend on her friend, but...

"Let me try to take care of myself, sometimes."

God, that sounded crazy. To Kozue's pampered desire for safety and pleasure and ease, it sounded insane. "Trust me, I guess, to be able to handle Paradise, or real life, even. I depend on you, there, too. I've always liked depending on you," she added, feeling unkind. It made her leave off her last thought, but that's more like going back to Paradise than checking into a hotel would ever be, and substituted, instead. "But I can't do that forever."

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apathyisboring
2010-11-04 01:54 am UTC (link)

It was hard to take, and Kiriko took it sullenly, with a fair bit of internal denial and quiet resentment at the suggestion. She had not been smothering Kozue. Had she? Did it matter if she thought she had or not? Obviously she had been doing something wrong, though it was hardly fair, in her opinion, that that something was being too dependable.

It was for Kozue's sake that she did her best to cut through the bitterness. It would be good for everyone if she learned to stand on her own, wouldn't it? Wasn't the fact that she hadn't wanted to been what was so confusing about her dungeon? So this was progress. Unhappy progress, though - Kiriko liked to be depended on, and newly devoid of her TV set and earring collection, was still not entirely convinced that she had something to offer Kozue as a friend outside of answers and dependableness.

"I can try," she finally managed, somehow simultaneously glum and passive-aggressive in tone.

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anthesphoria
2010-11-04 05:40 pm UTC (link)

After a moment, Kozue decided to take that as a good sign, despite the way Kiriko had said it. She didn't seem happy about it, granted, but Kozue wasn't even sure she was happy about it, herself. And she'd been asking.

"That's all I'm asking." She tried to make it sound grateful, and kind, but there was only so much kindness she could find in this topic. It frightened her, suddenly, now that she had voiced her thoughts and been granted at least a trial of them; oh god, what am I going to do.

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