Ask Rose

( I have already written you about a similar matter to this one... )

Many thanks,
Still Heckled in Hertfordshire, and Now Very Confused and Anxious As Well.

Dear Rose,

I am part of a not-so-secret organization that promotes creating different personas within my mind and blurring lines. I feel that I (and many others) have become addicted to it, as I cannot go a day without it without needing calming draught to keep my mind from going insane and to suppress the constant feeling that I am missing something important.

Please do help.

Love,
Your favorite line blurrer.

Dear Rose --

Rose is such a boring name. Why don't you consider a better alternative, like Rosicle or Ronatious? Is Rose short for something? Ugh, no matter -- that is beyond the point. But -- consider it. You should join the favorite breakfast item ranks of Bartoffee and Regtable, really.

Anyways, as of late I am getting anxious. We of the King usually are amazing-amazing-amazing-honourable soldiers, yet that doesn't seem to hinder any of the soldiers and disgusting ginger headed lords to make any attempt of engaging in appropriate, honourable (and grey) behavior. It vexes me so, as Regtable would put it.

Secondly, my roommate, Ally-oop, is entirely unhelpful. I managed to convince her to allow me to keep a cow in the kitchen, but she won't help a single bit about naming her! Marly gave me a stuffed cow plushy which is adorable and amazing and amazing and I haven't showed Ally-oop yet but regardless -- I don't think Ally-oop will like her very much! Have you any advice on making roommates appreciate the beauty of cows and pets more?

Lastly, as of late i find myself in the company of two very adorable breakfast items -- Bartoffee and Regtable. Now, don't get me wrong, they are very good and respectable little fellows, and I love them very much, and I am certain that they love each other very much, yet they seem so preoccupied with appearances and upholding the family honour to admit to the world that they are in fact, gay. Please help me help them to make their lives so much easier so that they do not have to sit at home and mope to each other -- or inner monologue and italicize at each other.

With love,
God.

Rose --

I've come across some bad luck recently or at least what I prefer to think of as bad luck. My older brother and parents died a week ago, throwing me into a spiral in which I've chosen to ponder the state of the world (although we all know that it's entirely fucked) and my current coordinates within it. Is there really any point? If so, what is the point? Will the world get better? Are we making the world better? Where is my brother - in heaven or is that all? When we bury him tomorrow will he just be gone forever in both body and mind? What will happen to me when I die? Will I always be alone? What will I eat for dinner tomorrow? I am on a need-to-know basis.

Next - while I love my job, or at least most of my coworkers, I'm not sure I'm willing enough to keep my mouth shut to take the constant criticism of stupid Prophet writers who seem to think that, while they cannot do our jobs better than us, we still aren't doing our jobs well enough. And then when my brother killed a man in self-defense, everyone thought I wouldn't do my job with an omission of objectivity. Which is not true - I just know him well enough to know that the situation must have required it.

And it's not my fault that I am sometimes the bearer of bad news. No one is excited about the curfews and I'll include myself in that group - who feels like takeaway before 8p? I thought the purpose of takeaway was so that you could, while feeling lazy and not wanting to move from your couch, order a meal at midnight or so. Regardless, I am human too and I hate this new rule. And I don't have the answers as I am epically flustered as of late.

Finally, I'm interested in a man who is much older than I am. Actually, that's not even the issue - he is my boss, which complicates matters a bit. I'm not sure if either of us is capable of carrying on a relationship or...whatever, but I think that he feels similarly (if I have any ability to read people at all), yet I'm not convinced that he even has the energy to pursue anything that isn't his work. I'm not sure if we would even be good for each other. But, should anything happen in the near future, would it be in poor taste considering the very, very recent passing of the majority of my family?

Also, how does one learn to cook? I only know how to make coffee, sandwiches and biscuits but I'd like to make a real dinner. And what is a way to show that I care without showing everyone that I care? I'd rather not have our coworkers find out at this point because I will be ridiculously embarrassed if I am incorrect.

I am eagerly awaiting your reply.

Amelia

Dear Rose,

I insist trust that this correspondence will remain anonymous and entirely confidential. I have an issue which is of great sensitivity to discuss with you.

I'm a young woman born into a better and far more superior society than you (I suspect). This society has distinct lines and rules on the behaviour of its ladies. I have not followed several of the rules as strictly as I should have but only because I wished to ensure that my father would not be entirely emasculated due to his wife's inability to bear sons. Nevertheless, I've always considered myself equally active in my responsibilities as a woman and my other responsibilities as part of... an organisation.

Perhaps it was due to my more-than-prescribed contact with the male sex that has spurned this development but over the years, but I've found myself realising that I am equally attracted to both men and women. I have not discussed this with anyone for fear of shaming my family (especially my poor father) since I do not think that my peers would take too kindly on the matter of my sexual orientation. Instead of confusing me, I find this development to be quite natural, even easy to deal with. However, I only wish to know whether or not I'm the only one who has this inclination.

I thank you.

Sincerely,
Georgie Porgie

Ms Nylund, I have something of a conundrum.

You see, I've yet to exist in a meaningful manner in the place where your other erstwhile questioners come from, and yet I feel oddly compelled to join them.

Is this normal?

Yours
Non-rhetorical Russki

My love life has been suffering lately. That is to say, there are plenty of people who may be interested in me, but I'm having a bit of vanity angst - I work in law enforcement and several weeks ago suffered an injury that's left a rather large scar. I'm sure none of the main four people would really mind, but my pride is still getting in the way, and I'm not sure I feel like explaining it at all to a one night stand.

Of course, of these four, one is currently off limits as she is my direct superior, and she has rules about that sort of thing. Another I'm loathe to give into because while he's really quite sweet, he's also my partner, subordinate to me and under my responsibility. And, to be honest, a bit of a stalker in training. The other two are a coworker that I get on great with, though I worry that if we spend too much time together we'll feed off each other's bad faults and decay into dark, bitter, angry creatures that like to bleed their enemies and taste their blood (something which I limit myself to only doing in bed with a safe word). The other is a male friend of mine who's rather socially awkward, and while he's completely unreasonably attractive, I'm really not sure how things would play out.

Any advice?

Spoiled for choice,
Camden

Rosy,

Oi, what the fuck am I supposed ta do now aye? The fuckers gone and got himself hurt or something like that and I ain't not taking care of no fucking purple goat ya here me? The fucking thing bites and who the fuck knows what he really does with it yeah? Fucking petting the thing and shit, ain't not going near it, fucking thing can starve. it fucking ears more than I do the fucking fuckwad.

Oi! And my cousins right, he such a fucking dick wad right. So mam's up the duff like 4 months in right and the fucker takes money from the fucking father to try and say nice things so I dunna go and not rip him ta shreds fer doing that ta mam. I got enough fucking siblings as it is, I dunna not need no more fucking babes in the fucking house.

Fucking bloody hell fuck. Oi, and the fucking fuckwards at the fucking ministr think they can go tell me to stay under a fucking roof! I hate those fucking roofves, they give me the fucking willies. WILLIES YAH HEARING ME ROSY?

Fuck.

Dung.

You,

I need to know how to get my son's money because the failure is mad at me for his own idiocy. I'm considering Imperius before he dies, make him change the will and then push him off a cliff before finding a new one. Anything would be better.

Have a failure for a Son

Another question, actually, Madam.

I understand it's normal to be protective of younger colleagues, but is this level of annoyance with the people who hurt them really appropriate? And does letting one of them use my coat for a pillow cross the line? Things are much easier at work, I can just growl at them.

-- Constantly Vigilant

What makes you of all people qualified enough to answer everyone's questions like this? And how do you know we're going to be good friends? You can't know something like that, and you obviously haven't met the queue of people who want to punch me in the face yet.

I'm only doing this because the Wife doesn't want me bringing anyone else into our business and I want to spite her, so let's get this over with. Both of our families have been pushing us to have children -- preferably a son to carry on the family line and name -- but I hate children (the last time I had to look after my sister's son, he bit me) and the Wife and I hate each other (rightfully so). Thus, I just ignore them.

However, starting this week, the Wife has been sick in the loo almost every morning. I think she's just drunk, but some idiot suggested she might be having a baby. I hate babies even more than I hate children. My question in the end is this -- can someone become pregnant if (a) it was hatesex, and (b) the potential father was still wearing most of his clothes at the same?

I know I won't like the answer already,
Sleeping alone on the sofa again (there is nothing wrong with that)

Dear Rose,

Recently, certain events in my life have greatly distressed me.

To begin with I was forced to hang myself by the man I considered to be a mentor after one of of the members of my own side completely confounded me and left me to die. So obviously this has been a source of discomfort, not to mention certain events that transpired before I was died.

I have no clue why she even kissed me, considering as far as I am aware that she hated me, and now on this cloud I really have a lot of time to think and I could never see it coming, in fact I was sure that was when I really died, out of disgust or a heart attack I don't really know.

And speaking of clouds, I was recently invaded by the man who tortured me before I died, and frankly pushing him off doesn't work, he just comes right back, and that damn floating top hat of his. Why does it get wings but I don't? It's really not fair and I demand retribution.

And I died a virgin, how fucking sad is that? I'm 23 years old, the most handsome man in the world and yet I couldn't spend 2 seconds losing that little problem of mine.

And not to mention there was this certain individual, he annoyed the shit out of me and I know that he was a part of the group that clamored for my suicide, although technically it was murder as I did not have control of my body and all I remember is thinking about ice cream and a book and then I was on the cloud. Regardless, we do not get along, and yet I am drawn to him and I really do not know what to do about that. Especially considering he is alive and I am not.

What do you suggest I do in order to overcome these issues, because frankly, I've got a lot of time.

Clueless in the Clouds

Dear Rose,

First of all, I have to compliment you on your lovely name. The rose has to be my second favourite flower, right after lilacs! It is so good of you to sacrifice so much time and effort into providing a platform for fellow tortured souls to vent their feelings and ask for advice. Rather like me, I daresay. Although, perhaps my fame is farther-reaching and my influence on people's opinions stretches to more places.

But let's not speak of that, I have other things on my mind. Oh, Rose. My soul is so incredibly weighed down by these worries and troubles, I certainly would ask myself for advice if I weren't so emotionally-invested in the whole thing. I need your fabulous perspective!

As you might have deduced, I'm a modestly well-known celebrity--I'm a best-selling writer, you know--and am generally well-liked by the female population. My problem, however, lies on my male peers. They do not seem to warm up to me as quickly as the ladies do! My closest friend, Roman, died recently and I've been lacking the company that only men can provide: discussions about current issues in politics and women while drinking. I've tried in vain to make friends with them. I truly have! Yet they avoid me and shun me from their little gatherings. I've entertained the idea that they are incredibly jealous of my success, in both my career and the opposite sex, but I'm quite sure that I've been modest enough to downplay it so as to make them feel more comfortable. Rose, what should I do?

On another matter, a young lady who I have been involved with for quite a long time (let's call her Pookie) has been giving me very mixed signals. Rose, my heart still yearns for her but I do not wish to be hurt again! It is so very complicated. I mean, the sex was fantastic and then one day a couple of weeks into our seventh month together, Pookie decided we were over. It was so horrible, the fall out. And now, there's this terrible war looming over us and I want to be with her and keep her safe... but she's so vague in her dealing with me. How am I supposed to know what's happening between us?

I do hope you'll be able to shed some light in these matters, my darling Rose. I'm really quite frustrated about thinking about them, day in and day out. I do have another book to write and all!

Anywho, I better go. I have an appointment with the hair stylist.

Kindest regards,
Gorgeous Gilderoy Greg

Up until recently my life has revolved around a very successful and handsome, blonde man. He was everything that I thought I wanted but thanks to a so-called friend I discovered that his past is filled with horrible things! I would go as far as to say he would do anything that moved and maybe a few things that didn’t as long as it wasn't me. For some reason, despite many offers for lunch, dinner or even just tea he refuses to give me a chance. I know it's a lost cause but I can’t help but still have feelings for him. He’s been such a large part of my life for some time.

I have been trying other options though. I have recently gone on a few casual dates with a co-worker of mine who is not as successful as the blonde man but he is nearly as handsome. I could see myself getting serious in the near future with him but I’m afraid that in the long run he is going to decide that I’m as unworthy as this other man thinks I am. To top this off, I think my boss isn't to happy that I'm spending time away from the office in pursuit of Prince Charming.

How do I capture a man’s interest and keep it? How do I do it without irritating my boss? Where is the best place for a mid-afternoon Snog Break in the office - Storage Closet or the Loo?

Thanks in advance,

Drowning In Love Poo In Waterloo

Though I must admit that turning to a complete stranger such as yourself for help is that last thing a person of my social standing would wish to do, I am afraid I am left with no alternative. This is the problem: I have been happily married for three years now, and we have yet to produce any heirs. As I’m certain you would agree, having children to carry on a family’s lineage and fortune is a woman’s most important duty. I have not failed my family in any manner in my life, and I refuse to fail here. Everything concerning...erm oh, you know, is perfectly fine, and does not require advice.

I am at a loss about how to deal with the constant inquiries of my mother and mother-in-law, and am worried about the effect this might have on my position in society. Professional help is entirely out of the question as well, as that sort of information spreads quite quickly. Any advice you have on how to deal with this situation would by highly appreciated, and I do trust that you will keep this confidential.

Most sincerely,
Worried in Wiltshire

Dear Rose,

You're not one of them, are you?

My best friend and I are both eighteen, male, and incredibly intelligent. He and I are very close and have been since a young age. Suffice to say, we do almost everything together, including taking our education into our own hands rather than entrusting it to our professors, who must cater to our former classmates. We are, as I have said, terribly close and we have many personality traits in common; we look out for each other and, although I do not consider myself to be a replacement for his utterly disappointing, disowned runaway of an older brother, I certainly consider my best friend to be a part of my family.

This would all be perfectly lovely, but it seems as though we cannot escape unjust persecution for our friendship. Several people have made insinuations about the exact nature of our relationship, often implying that we are or otherwise outright accusing us of being homosexuals. Neither of us is such and I know that both of us are terribly tired of having such awful slander violently hurled in our direction. It is all terribly vexing, especially given how badly our families would respond to being told such lies about us and given how most possible solutions require that we relinquish certain elements of our friendship, such as our habit of sequestering ourselves in one of our bedroom's and complaining, at great length, about the deplorable state of the world.

How can we make these awful people cease and desist without compromising or sacrificing any present aspect of our friendship?

Many thanks,
Heckled in Hertfordshire.

I am a little bit hesitant, requesting the assistance of a complete stranger regarding such a delicate and sensitive matter, but in my assumption that you will keep the utmost confidences, I will deign to take this risk.

Somehow I have managed to land myself in a very real and very serious dilemma. I have a brother who ran away from home roughly two years ago, and we promptly severed connection and disowned him because he is a filthy blood traitor. Recently he has been particularly adamant about contacting me, and I have been having a particularly difficult time not responding, and I accidentally met up to speak with him the other day. Though, in my defence, I was under the impression that I was going to talk to my cousin, which I think is a perfectly reasonable defence, even if no one else seems to feel that way.

But I am a member of this...organization, and the leader of this organization can pick through people's minds, and I'm quite certain he and everyone else I know wishes for my no-longer-brother to stop breathing the most painful fashion imaginable, but I find myself not wishing to be responsible for his death, or even for him to die at all. But if they knew I did not want to kill him, then they would require me to kill him. Or kill me themselves. So. I have a bit of a problem. What should I do?

R.A.B. Luckless in London

There's this lass that I think I fancy but I'm not sure if it'll ever work out. You see, I'm a content but terminally ginger departmental head and she's a quickly rising young employee. There's quite an age gap between us and I'm not sure how to tell if she's interested!

Her brother just died, so that makes these feelings somewhat awkwardly timed... can I do nice things for her or is that just shmoozy?

Best,
Troubled in ginger paradise.

I've always had it told that girls marry up and men marry equally or, in some circumstances, below themselves. The problem is, I have spent quite some time lately speaking with my brother's best friend. We are all very close in age and from the subtleties in conversation I suspect he may have some feelings for me as I do for him. However, I have seen his house, as I go there sometimes to read to his mother who is ill, or bring her flowers to brighten the room, and I'm perfectly sure that my father would not allow this marriage at all. I don't know how I could convince him! He has never denied me anything before, but there are so many expectations placed on my choice of husband.

Do you have any advice that might be at all helpful?

Madam, yours faithfully,
A. Avery