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Tweak says, "gottahavawawa!"

Ryder "Ry" (_ryder_) wrote in devils_tower,
@ 2009-06-15 12:35:00

Entry tags:

ryder, windchaser

Week Fourteen -- Thursday
Who: Ryder and Windchaser
Where: His cabin
When: Thursday afternoon
Why: Time for some truth

Ryder had spent the war relaying messages for the Wolves. Even though the Twin Feathers did their best to remain neutral in the whole affair, it was pretty clear where their limited loyalties fell. They'd taken in the children of the Wolves, and that newly discovered tribe the Carrion, and he'd done everything that he'd been able to do except for fight himself. Of course, all of the Feathers' help stemmed partly from the connection that Nova had to both of the tribes. Ryder was glad for that connection, because he would have had a lot of difficulty if it had been the Mountain Lions that they'd supported. He hadn't wanted anything to happen to Danni, but he had nothing but distaste for the rest of the Mountain Lions. He had wondered about Danni, how she was fairing and what she thought of Ace's violent side.

In his runs between the farm and various people and places he had seen Windchaser only a few times. She'd always been busy helping the wounded or something else. He hadn't been able to speak with her since the St. Patrick's Day Party. He was surprised when he received a letter from her, but the contents of the letter had been the most surprising part.
Some of the things she'd said had hurt, and all of it had brought up things from the past that he'd been trying so long to ignore. Events that had faded to blurry black and white over the years were now full color in his mind, and in his heart.

Like most people, the war had changed something in him and he felt like he had to be honest with Ellie. He didn't know if she was going to stay in Sundance for sure, and he knew he had a lot of things to tell her.

Thankfully he'd been able to finish re-building his cabin before the war started. It actually turned out a little nicer than the one he'd had before. However, the walls and contents of the new cabin were a lot more sparse as he'd lost more or less everything in the fire. He had spent the morning checking up on all of the horses , brushing them, etc. The new foal had been taking up most of his time, but the mare and colt were doing just fine.

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_windchaser_
2009-06-15 03:51 pm UTC (link)

Windchaser had been amazed that Ryder had even responded to her letter, and the wait until Thursday had gnawed at her gut. She worked herself almost into the ground, meaning to make Wolf’s favour something she deserved. It helped her to feel she deserved a permanent place here, and to honour Shadow’s memory. Shadow and the rest of the Tribe deserved that, all of her time and attention

But now, on the day she was due to actually see Ryder, she felt awful, her mind darting from possibility to possibility, but reality told her that his reaction to her when she had met him with Danni was probably the one he held to. The ‘Sorry, El, but you were just the help’. As long as he didn’t laugh in her face.

Windchaser talked ceaselessly to Cabello as she rode towards the cabin, hoping to distract herself, break the exhaustion that still plagued her, and hide in senseless talk from the thoughts that she was still worried might destroy her, heart and mind.

She preyed she was strong enough to survive what was said today, she was still needed, as part of a tribe now, and they needed a medic, needed her, and it was good to be part of a family again, even one as weird as this. She was determined that whatever was said today, she would stay.

Whatever was said, whatever happened, however hard things became.

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_ryder_
2009-06-15 04:05 pm UTC (link)

Ryder felt his stomach turn with anxiety as Ellie and her horse came into view at the other end of the field. He was glad that she'd decided to come, but he knew that it wouldn't be easy to say the things that he had to say and in all honesty, he wasn't looking forward to it. Some of the things he had to say would not be nice to hear, and more than anything he was afraid that she would hate him.

He stood up on the last step of the porch and smiled when she rode up. "Hi. I'm glad you found me all right." She'd only been to his cabin once before and so he was rather impressed that she'd remembered how to get there.

He was so nervous that he sat right back down on the porch step where he'd been sitting. He didn't want to waste any time in getting to the things he needed to say, the longer he waited the more difficult it would be and he'd already waited three years.

He waited for her to get off Cabello. "I have to tell you something that I've never told anyone before." When they'd first met in the field he'd touched on the subject of his mother, but all he'd said to Ellie was that he had been unable to bury her. He had not revealed the agonizing weeks that had lead to that nor what had happened to him after he'd left the ranch. He had never spoken of those things out loud, but he felt he owed it to Ellie, and he wanted to tell her about it before he got into the letter.

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_windchaser_
2009-06-15 04:21 pm UTC (link)

Windchaser looked at him, trying to keep her eyes hard and her body distant from him, she was pretty sure she could cope with anything he was going to say so long as she didn’t touch him, part of her was sure he wouldn’t touch her.

“I think old horse here found you, or maybe he just found Rose.” She said softly, she wanted to move away from Cabello but found her fingers tangled loosely in his mane. It was a comfort thing, and it had helped her to stay sane so far so she wasn’t about to give it up lightly.

“I’m listening, always will.” Windchaser muttered softly, watching him at his place on the cabin steps, listening to him, trying to find Alle under Ryder’s layers.

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_ryder_
2009-06-15 04:31 pm UTC (link)

Ryder rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands in front of him, his gaze mostly avoiding Ellie's directly. He smiled meekly at her reference to Rose and noted how she stayed with her horse instead of joining him on the steps. It made sense to him. For him, horses were security and the greatest confidants that a man could ever have. Ellie must have found the same strenght in Cabello.

He wet his lips and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he began. His voice was low and quiet, as if he was measuring every word, pacing himself to be able to say the things that were coming out of his mouth. "Thing were all right after you left, for a little while. I missed you like crazy..." He shook his head and tightened his jaw, "It was when I had to make the choice to kill Cayente that things got really bad." Cayente had been one of their older horses, and one of the few that remained when Ellie had left.

"There just wasn't any food and I couldn't kill Sparrow, or the cow until her milk ran out. The garden had died because I couldn't get enough water to it from the stream." Thinking about those awful days, the true end of the world when he was doing everything he could to just survive, was like watching a horror movie in his mind. He'd always told himself that he'd never kill a horse for anything, but he couldn't let his mother starve.

"I had to kill Cayente. I had her blood all over me, she made the...the worst sound I've ever heard."

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_windchaser_
2009-06-15 04:55 pm UTC (link)

Windchaser’s breath caught in her throat as he spoke of having to kill one of the horses. She could just have more easily imagined him cutting off his own arm. She tried to remain impassive and strong, but she couldn’t this was Alle, her Alle, that she had spent so long loving. She stepped towards him, leaving Cabello, but not even slightly surprised as the horse moved with her. Their bond was that strong.

“I missed you too, like someone had cut off a limb…I so wanted to stay with you, but I was just an extra mouth to feed.” Suddenly she felt like Windchaser was fading and Ellie reasserting her hold, but still her new identity fought with the old and won, even as she crouched in front of him, reaching out to touch it as he spoke about the sound the horse made, her resolve crumbling.

She remembered that sound from her travels, and had lived off roots and grass rather than look on Cabello as a meal, but she had been alone. She suddenly, desperately wanted to know if Maria had ever spoken with him, realised and not allowed him to go through that with only a bitter mute for company. However, in an attempt to treat him like any other trauma victim she tried not to interrupt his flow and just to let him talk.

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_ryder_
2009-06-18 01:13 am UTC (link)

He heard what she was saying, but it was hard for him to absorb it just then. When she crouched before him and and touched his arm he didn't move to touch her back. It was like he was on auto-pilot, and in a way he had to be so that he could say the things that he was about to say.

He didn't tell her how he had cried so hard that he'd actually blacked out and woke up covered in flies and blood. He didn't tell her the more gruesome details, because those were things he knew that he could never ever speak aloud. He felt his chin tremble and strengthened his resolve against the tears that threatened his eyes. "Things were bad, and at one point I was resolved to the fact that we would starve to death." He remembered scouring the house for even one more bullet, just so he could put his mother and himself out of their misery.

"Not long after that I fell asleep on the porch. I woke up to my mother's screams." Those screams had been the first noise he'd heard from her mouth in more than two years. "When I ran up the stairs and into her room there were three men there. One was on top of her." There were details in that image that he couldn't recount. He was already trembling. He'd never spoken these things aloud.

"I tried to stop them, but they were too strong. I was so weak...My mother was screaming at me to leave, she was telling me to go and leave her. By that point I couldn't have left if I'd wanted to. They were hurting her and all I could do was turn away. I struggled but one of them knocked me out with their gun."

His eyes had become so full of tears that they finally spilled over and down his cheeks. He covered his face in his hands, his voie muffled as he tried to continue. "I woke up in the field you and I used to walk in. My wrist was tied to Sparrow's reigns. I didn't know what had happened at first, but when I remembered... I rode Sparrow back to the house as fast.. It was all in ruins. Everything was destroyed. It was still smoking. I searched for my mother, I was yelling for her... and then when I found." He had to stop, because a sob choked back his words. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't touch her. I couldn't do it. I knew that I should, but it was awful." He lifted his head and wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"I don't know why they left me alive. I wanted to die too, but I couldn't. I got on Sparrow and let him go. I can't even remember how long or how far we rode. I was attacked just north of Devil's Tower. A group of people stole Sparrow and left me for dead. That was when Hawk found me, and now here I am I guess..." He shook his head.

"I've tried for so long to erase Allejandro." He had broken his promise to Ellie from fear, and his inablity to deal with the horrors of the past. "I'm sorry Ellie, I'm sorry he's gone."

**Italics are Spanish! XD

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_windchaser_
2009-06-19 04:23 pm UTC (link)

Windchaser was aware that he didn’t respond to her touch, but it didn’t bother her. She knew that he was recounting a very deep trauma , and was probably barely aware that she was even there. For now she had to try and behave like he was any other victim of trauma and not someone she cared about so much.

“And that was another reason I didn’t stay. I didn’t want to add to that.” Windchaser murmured, barely raising her voice above a whisper. She remembered some of the tings she’d had to do in order to eat, to survive, before she found her feet, they were things she was ashamed of. She had even attempted eating horse, but had been physically sick at the thought she could well have been eating the stolen Noodle. Now she didn’t eat meat unless she knew where it had come from, leaving her practically vegetarian.

At his words about what had happened to Maria, who Windchaser had loved too, her free hand rose to her lips, pressed there so tightly that the skin of the knuckles went pale. She didn’t cry, far too angry and outraged. She rarely did now anyway. She had been taught from a child that it achieved nothing, bought nothing back.

“Three…Fucking cowards!” She couldn’t stop the words as they emerged , holding all the rage she could possibly inject into them. As she joined the dots and realised Alle had been forced to watch that, she felt the tears begin to form behind her own eyes, which were almost black with anger.

Maria speaking aloud should have been a joyous day, but instead it had been made disgusting and bleak. Windchaser also felt a deep shame. Why had she left them? People she had loved, for a family that, while still blood, had made choices that effectively cut her off from them. “I should have stayed and helped you to protect her. I’m so sorry; I should have been with you.”

As he began to cry Windchaser moved to hold him. He wasn’t a normal trauma victim. And she had held people that she had only known for the length of a conversation, so why not now? She knew the answer, not her unaffectionate upbringing that he had helped to wean her out of, but because she didn’t want to be misconstrued. As for why he had been let alive? She couldn’t answer that, her experience of the new world as a Drifter told her he should have been killed. In spite of herself, she couldn’t help but quirk a tight smile as he mentioned that field, the one with the oak tree at the back.

“I know what you found. I did too.” She wanted to be angry with him, wanted to tell him that she hadn’t just found a burnt corpse. That it had been attacked by insects and torn up by animals. That she had moved the body by hand and had to both dig and fill the grave with whatever she could find, mostly bits of burnt wood and her bare hands, because the tools had been looted. That after three days and some burbled Spanish religious words that she remembered from Rosa, she had stumbled away.

She had stayed in the shell of the ranch for ten days, driven into deep shock and had simply sat dazed and calling Alle’s name. From what he had told her he had already been long gone, she wouldn’t tell him, he obviously felt bad enough as it was.

“D-did you ever find out what happened to Sparrow?” Windchaser asked softly, remembering how nuts she had driven and their bond had been nothing like that between Alle and Sparrow. The loss of the horse, even against the joining of a tribe, must have destroyed him. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing Cabello.

His next words hit her like a blow. That Alle was gone and this shadow sitting in front of her dared to apologise to her for it. “If he’s gone who are you? His Clark Kent?” She rocked back on her heels. “If…Who am I? Who am I to Ryder?” Windchaser asked softly. “Why did you, whoever you are now, respond to that letter, when I’d said you could ignore it if you wanted to?”

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_ryder_
2009-06-26 12:21 pm UTC (link)

He wanted to tell her that it was better that she hadn't stayed, that he couldn't have handled witnessing what had been done to his mother being done to her, or worse- but he continued his story. He knew from their previous conversations that she'd buried his mother. She'd been the one to touch the blackened flesh and toil over the grave. He felt like such a coward, and it broke his heart that she had to deal with handling such a thing.

He let himself be held by her, but didn't show her any affection or physical comoforting in return. "No, I have no idea. I haven't seen him since, so I can only hope that he's still alive somehow." However, he knew that such a thing was highly unlikely. Sparrow had been weak and malnourished when he'd been stolen and the logical thing for the bandits to have done with such a weak animal would have been to use him as food. Ryder didn't elaborate on that though at the moment.

In her letter she'd said that she was in love with him, with Alle, but he knew that he was not that Mexican boy anymore. He'd left Alle behind the moment he'd got on Sparrow and turned his back to his mother, and the ranch. He closed his eyes for a moment as he shook his head and took a deep breath. "I responded to your letter because I know how Alle felt about you." It was strange talking about himself in third person but it felt right.

"He loved Ellie, all of those things you said, he felt them too. I felt them..." He had often wondered if things would have somehow been different if he'd been able to confess his feelings to her before she'd left the ranch. "I don't know who I am now, or what I feel. I've tried so hard to bury everything that was the past because it hurt too bad to deal with, and in the process I've become someone else. Whether I'm Ryder or someone else, I don't know anymore."

He paused, "And until I know who I am and what I want, I can't return the feelings you've shared with me. It wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to pretend that I'm the same kid I used to be." He looked off towards the tree line. "That's why I'm going to leave town for awhile."

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_windchaser_
2009-07-02 05:17 pm UTC (link)

Windchaser’s eyes widened as she listened to him talk, listened to him admitting he had loved Ellie…loved her, it still felt to her like he was admitting it. She drew away from him. She wanted to divert him, to ask any other questions, to make him say something else, anything else. To divert herself from asking him why he never told her, she would have liked to have known this before she left the ranch.

“It’s nice to know that, I was expecting to come here and be told you really had forgotten my name.” Windchaser said softly. “To be told to walk away, forget about it.” She remembered how Ellie had felt about him too, that she had, in her mind, forgiven him everything, even breaking his promise and leaving her, as long as she eventually found him alive and well.

Windchaser however could not. “I…We’ve both changed. I don’t think Ellie could have survived what happened to me. I was never so naïve as to think you wouldn’t have changed...I grieved you…I just never buried you, I couldn’t. I found myself wondering who you might have become, if you’d remembered me,” Her tone was cool, she had to be, she was stunned, her head ached, her soul felt torn.

“I have to ask…Do you remember, in the stable, just before I left, I kissed you, but you didn’t respond. Why not, if you felt that way about me?” She had to ask, before all this it had been a plain simple rejection, now it became much more complex, much more confusing. “And you were never just a Mexican boy, you should have been proud of how well you coped. I was. I should have told you.”

Her shoulders slumped as he told her he was going to leave town. There were selfish reasons she wanted him to stay, but there were also real ones. “You shouldn’t leave, the Tribes are in pieces and you’re useful. I mean Sundance is a big place, there would be no need for us to see each other at all. After all, I don’t know about you, but I’m busy as hell.”

Windchaser’s fingers strayed to the rosary, and she quickly reached behind her neck, unfastening it. “You’ll want this back…It was your grandmothers after all.” She tried not to remember how it had felt when he’d fastened it.

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_ryder_
2009-08-29 05:06 pm UTC (link)

Ryder had of course wondered the same things about Ellie; if she'd changed, if she was even still alive and if she was would she remember or want to remember him? As much as he'd tried to repress such things they'd still been a part of his thoughts in the end.

He sniffed and wiped his eyes once again with a stabilizing sigh. "I remember it." He remembered how his restraint had teetered on the edge with every subtle hint of love between them. He pondered on his next words, knowing that what he wanted to say would probably only make things more complicated between them. "When you first became a part of my family I instantly loved you like a sister. The more I got to know you, the more time I spent with you, my feelings started to turn into something else. I didn't think that you would feel the same way about me, I was still a kid in a lot of ways."

It had been in the stable on the day that she left that he'd admitted to himself just how in love he was with Ellie. "I couldn't keep you from your family and even with your kiss I was unsure about the real nature of your feelings." He paused, "I should have told you. I wonder how things would have been different."

He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, "you did tell me Ellie. You're one of the only reasons I was even able to get through high school. No matter what happened there I could always come home and be accepted by you and that meant a lot to me." Even now, though he had said Alle was gone, he could still feel the love he had held for her, and the love that he still held.

He shook his head, "It's not about not wanting to see you. I just have to get some things straight with myself. I've been busy as well, but I have to leave-" he wanted to say that he would be back but he wasn't sure of that fact himself. He hesitated before taking the rosary from her. He could hardly believe that she still had it. When he did take it from her he looked down at it and ran his fingers over the cross at the end.

He put the rosary over his head and around his neck. "Ellie, thank you." He stood up and leaned against the porch post. "I'm sorry that I've been such a coward in so many ways and I'm sorry that I'm leaving again but I have to get away from the protected existence I've had here."

He was planning on returning to the ranch, to find his mother's grave and try to make peace with everything and himself. He had to clarify where he stood now in relation to his past, his feelings for Ellie, and everything else. He didn't know what he would do after that.

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_windchaser_
2009-08-31 04:40 pm UTC (link)

“You were never just a kid.” Windchaser said softly. “You coped so well with Maria, with the farm, with your father, with being different…You took care of me when things went wrong with my family.” She closed her eyes as she remembered the day after she’d last seen her mother alive, leaning into his back and crying over the final apparently absolute loss of her mother and sister.

“I felt the same way, always, but you always seemed to be into rich, unsuitable, white girls.” Windchaser forced herself to laugh, remembering how much that had hurt at the time. She had always cleaned up after it, with a smile fixed on her face, but she’d hated it. “I nearly told you after every one of those girls, but I thought you would…distance yourself from me, I knew you’d be gentle about it, but I thought I would lose you.”

Windchaser looked at him as he wondered aloud, she’d thought it so often herself, taunted herself with it. “We might have been together, we might have been happy. I might never have gone back to Texas, but if I hadn’t, the same thing could have happened to me as did to your mother, or we might have died defending each other. We could have not worked and wound up hating each other. It’s not worth thinking about…However much I have.”

Windchaser tried hard not to tilt her face into his hand as he laid it on her shoulder. “You’d have got through fine. You might have been the weird kid, but you were the cool, sexy, weird kid. And you…you gave me a home, made me feel like something other than a disappointment.”

Windchaser smiled as he told her it wasn’t about her, but she’d heard the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech before. She watched him take the rosary. Her talisman over the last few years, she had become known for it, in a way. “It’ll keep you safe, if you’re lucky it’ll be recognised as mine… People owe me.” She sighed as he leaned back into the post. “You never left me completely, I carried you with me.”

Windchaser found herself so deeply worried for him, she’d lived outside tribal life, and it had nearly killed her, many times. “If you find a tribe called the Foxes, tell them…That I’m alive.” She tilted her head, thinking, smiling slightly. She stepped closer to him. “Hey Ryder, one for the road?”

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_ryder_
2009-09-01 03:29 pm UTC (link)

Ryder didn't feel that he deserved any of her praise, even if it was for how he used to be in the past. Regardless of how he'd acted or dealt with things before the virus, the way that he'd ran from things during and after the virus blocked all of those other good things out of his mind. He hated himself for not having been able to connect to his father, protect his mother, or search for Ellie.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head when she spoke of white girls. Although he didn't elaborate, his expression was so exhasperated that it was obvious he thought they had all been just as unsuitable as she had. Looking back he knew that if she'd said something to him about her feelings that he'd have accepted her and welcomed her love. Yet, like she said, horrible things could have happened to her just like the things that had happened to his mother, and losing both of them to something like that would have been entirely too much for him to bear.

Being reffered to as the "cool, sexy, weird kid" made him laugh. She could say what she wanted, but she really had been his foundation during high school and when the problems of his family became too much for him she'd always been a refuge.

He nodded as she spoke about the rosary and he smiled. "Mi abuelita, it was hers too you know and she loved you like a daughter."

"The Foxes. I'll remember." He watched her step closer to him with an intruiging smile on her face. He nodded somewhat nervously and put his arm over and then around the back of her shoulders to pull her even closer. "One for the road.." he said quietly and leaned in to place a gentle and lingering kiss on her lips. When their lips parted he pulled her into a warm hug.

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_windchaser_
2009-09-01 09:01 pm UTC (link)

Windchaser watched him roll his eyes at the mention of his white girl fetish. Perhaps her boy was beginning to grow up a little. She remembered them all and she knew why, or thought she did, it had been an attempt to grab for the American life he had been unwittingly dragged into by his father. She knew not only from the conversations they had had but the beatings he had received. Unbeknownst to him, she had cried for him after each instance.

Windchaser smiled at the sound of his laughter. She hadn’t heard it in too long and, in spite of everything it lifted her spirits. It made her smile even as she collapsed inside. He was leaving, again, even though he knew. It was something else to torture herself about. Had she made the wrong decision again?

Windchaser laughed softly at the idea of Rosa, so much loved, feeling like she was looking down on them then. In handing back the rosary, she almost felt like she was handing Alle his protection back. “I wonder what she’d think of this?”

Windchaser closed her eyes as he kissed her, trying to sketch it in her mind, to hold it as she had the last one, burying her head in his neck to breathe him in as he hugged her. “How come I only get to kiss you when I’m about to lose you?” She asked him softly, touching his face, trying not to cry.

In a moment of thought she reached down, pulling an ornate knife from her boot. “One of a pair, I’m going to keep hold of the other, useful in the job…not that that matters, it’ll help you keep safe, being a drifter isn’t easy.” Her face crumpled, but she held it in, she was stronger than that now. “Remember what I said to you…even if we never see each other again…I’m with you, as Ellie and as Windchaser, whoever you decide you are, you’ll always be the sexy, weird, cool kid to me.”

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_ryder_
2009-09-26 01:13 am UTC (link)

Just like it had been three years ago... her kiss, their confessions, it was almost enough to make him change plans, to make him stay. Yet, he knew that he couldn't move forward unless he left, even if that meant he may never come back. He felt that he owed it to his mother, to Ellie even, to return to the ranch and face the things that he couldn't face the first time.

As she questioned him and touched his face his eyes closed with the stroke of her fingertips. He couldn't answer her question, he just shook his head. He watched her pull the knife from her boot and he took it as she held it out to him. "Thank you..." He pulled her into another brief hug before stepping back to distance himself from her. He didn't know what else to say and he was honestly afraid of what might happen if they lingered there too long. A part of him wanted to stay, but he was also terrified of what might happen if he did.

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_windchaser_
2009-09-28 03:51 pm UTC (link)

“I’m not…” Windchaser trailed off. “I’m not selfish enough to ask you to stay, it’s about much more than me…Than us, but this time, you know where to find me, and that…I love you, or I loved Alle, and I’m perfectly willing to give Ryder a chance.” She looked down as she felt a tear win the battle to roll down her face. She didn’t want him to see her cry, just as she hadn’t the last time. She had always wanted him to think them being separated hurt her so much.

“And if you see Alle out there, tell him that Ellie said hi...And please, don’t get yourself killed.” Windchaser tried to keep her tone light and teasing, but her voice shook and she couldn’t look at him. The tear had remained singular, but more threatened, and she knew once she began to cry, stopping wouldn’t come quickly, or easily. “I sh-should go, you’re still busy, and since everything…I always am.”

Windchaser finally lifted her eyes to his face, shining with unshed tears. “I shouldn’t ask this, but I have to…Come back to me.”

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