He wanted to tell her that it was better that she hadn't stayed, that he couldn't have handled witnessing what had been done to his mother being done to her, or worse- but he continued his story. He knew from their previous conversations that she'd buried his mother. She'd been the one to touch the blackened flesh and toil over the grave. He felt like such a coward, and it broke his heart that she had to deal with handling such a thing.
He let himself be held by her, but didn't show her any affection or physical comoforting in return. "No, I have no idea. I haven't seen him since, so I can only hope that he's still alive somehow." However, he knew that such a thing was highly unlikely. Sparrow had been weak and malnourished when he'd been stolen and the logical thing for the bandits to have done with such a weak animal would have been to use him as food. Ryder didn't elaborate on that though at the moment.
In her letter she'd said that she was in love with him, with Alle, but he knew that he was not that Mexican boy anymore. He'd left Alle behind the moment he'd got on Sparrow and turned his back to his mother, and the ranch. He closed his eyes for a moment as he shook his head and took a deep breath. "I responded to your letter because I know how Alle felt about you." It was strange talking about himself in third person but it felt right.
"He loved Ellie, all of those things you said, he felt them too. I felt them..." He had often wondered if things would have somehow been different if he'd been able to confess his feelings to her before she'd left the ranch. "I don't know who I am now, or what I feel. I've tried so hard to bury everything that was the past because it hurt too bad to deal with, and in the process I've become someone else. Whether I'm Ryder or someone else, I don't know anymore."
He paused, "And until I know who I am and what I want, I can't return the feelings you've shared with me. It wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to pretend that I'm the same kid I used to be." He looked off towards the tree line. "That's why I'm going to leave town for awhile."